UPJOKE
harrisreedimpotenceimpotencydysfunctiondisfunctionjimjoemikebobdanandrewsullivankenmoran

Ed Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a 36 year old who believes in abstinence-only sex-ed?

Grandma.

Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...

Elongates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed the Chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’

Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. P...

Why don't most people understand ED?

I mean, it's not that hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

You couldn’t make a show like Mr Ed anymore…

There are no more talking horses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary disease

A woman sees her Chinese love doctor, Dr. Chen, after she hasn't been able to find a date for over two years.

The woman says, "Dr. Chen, I'm desperate. I can't find a date for the life of me! Can you check if there is anything wrong with me?"

Dr. Chen replies in his thick Chinese accen...

Why do special Ed classes always start late

Because everyone is a little tardy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

I don’t do anything half a**ed

Except share a chair with someone

Ed has no girlfriend

Because Sheeran away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the longest time scientists believed in a treatment for ED.

But until Viagra came along, there was no hard evidence.

What do you call a veterinarian with ED?

Dr. Goolittle

I tried to pick a fight with a guy who had ED...

But I couldn't get a rise out of him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

Ed Zachary Disease...

After not going on a date for years a woman decides to go to the Dr. To see if there is something wrong with her. When she arrives at her appointment she is greeted by short old Asian Dr. After explaining her situation, the Dr proceeds with an examination... The doctor asks the woman to "take off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Ed

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D, the second a D-, and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

“We’ll grab her” he continued. “And we’ll tie her up!” said the second.

"Yeah," said...

What is the opposite of driver's ed?

Ed's driver.

Golf with Ed

Dan was busy at work when he saw Randy and Ed come in for their shifts looking very upset at each other. He tried asking Ed what was wrong, but Ed just pointed to Randy and said "Ask him!".

So Dan asks Randy what happened. Randy sighed and said "Well Dan, would you play with someone who cheat...

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....

There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't engineers have sex ed?

They won't be able to apply what they've learned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the hot dog vendor fail sex-ed?

He didn't know what condiment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

Doctor said i have ED

I just can't beat it.

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark. However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Christian Sex-Ed teacher drink?

Abstininth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why don't ISIS fighters have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?

A: Because the camels can't handle it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex ed should be called

In person learning

Why is Ed Sheeran’s favourite math unit parabolas?

Because he’s in love with the shape of U.

Why can’t Mr. Ed talk about why he was arrested?

He was feeling a little horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?"

Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.

Someone tried to send me an NFT of Mr. Ed

But I know better than to look a GIF horse in the mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class

“The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with ED wants to

have sex with his wife, but she's not in the mood. He pesters her and pesters her until she finally relents. Afterwards he says, "now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't ISIS teach Sex Ed and Driver's Ed on the same day?

Too much work for the camel

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor. He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was sing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

What does my wife and the Titan submarine have in common?

The banging stopped.

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...

"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I hope that blew your minds.

The special ed students made a metal band.

It’s called Syndrome of a Down.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

What was Ed Gein's favorite restaurant?

Chick Fillet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Ed

Teacher: It's time for Sex Ed

Teacher: Ok, come here Ed

.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were doing sex ed in school today.

I asked my teacher why I need this. He said you'll need it later in life. I told him I'm a redditor. I was excused from the class...

What did Ed Gein make his mattress out of?

Mammary foam

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I signed up for a sex ed course...

...it starts Monday Moanin’

One day, a husband and wife came to a street corner where Officer Ed was directing traffic. 'Good morning, Officer Ed ,' said the husband. 'Shut up!' he replied.

Officer Ed was known to be quite rude. But the wife didn't let him sour her day. 'My, it's a beautiful day,' she said.

'It's going to rain, stupid!' said Officer Ed.
She replied, 'But there's not a cloud in the sky.'

'Read my lips, lady,' said Officer Ed. 'It's going to rain.'
<...

Why can’t Ed leave his place in Russia?

Because he’s Snowden.

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think that during sex ed

Schools should let their students have firsthand experience.

What did Ed Sheeran’s wife do after her husband cheated on her?

Sheeran

A cop pulls over a guy on a motorcycle...

and asks him for his name.

"My name is Ed." he said.

"Just Ed? no last name?"

"Just Ed."

"care to explain?" asked the cop.

"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medic...

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the NAZI fail drivers ED?

He succeeded on two left turns but failed on the third reich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't a muslim have SexEd and Driver'sEd on the same day?

Their camels need a break at some point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was mad at his Sex-Ed teacher for giving him a failing grade...

So in revenge he made a plan and told his best friend John.
“ So, in her room, I’ll hide, and when she comes in for lunch, I’ll kick her in the balls!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Special Ed.

When I started High School, my teacher told me that I'd be attending the "Special Ed" class. I'll be honest, I know that I'm special, but who the fuck is Ed?

Why doesn't Ed Sheeran sing the blues?

He has no soul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher failed me in SexEd because I didn't want to discuss the subject.

Worst part of homeschooling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you pass sex ed?

You have to learn all the ins and outs.

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

What's Ed doing in a farm?

Ed Sheeran the sheep.

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't they teach sex-ed and drivers-Ed on the same day in the Middle East?

Because the camels can't handle it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the worst thing the teacher can say during sex ed?

"lets have a demonstration"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call ppl who are late to a sex ed?

Late cummers.

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked out of my Sex Ed class when they started discussing masturbation

I found it to be a very touchy subject.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sailor and sex ed class

The sex ed instructor asked the class, "How many sexual positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a young climber named Ed...

There was a young climber named Ed

No mountain could fill him with dread

Then he met a big fatty

named Pumpkin-Ass Patty

And he said, "I'll do Everest instead".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary

A lady was having a hard time getting a date. After months of trying everything she could think of, she went to the doctors to see if there was anything she could do to improve her love life.

The receptionist explained that her usual doctor was on vacation, and she was going to be seen by Dr....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for making a joke in Sex Ed today

It was just a fucking joke

Why doesn't Ed Sheeran have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away.

(Saw this somewhere, and am gingerly sharing this punny piece)

I moved to Compton so I wouldn't get ED.

Cuz The Boyz In the Hood are always hard.

On Tinder I’m looking for special ed teachers

So they know how to deal with me

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a red-headed man reach orgasm?

Alone.

A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"

Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."

Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doc...

Where is Ed Sheeran's wife?

Shee ran.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

Sorry if my joke about your ED problem is offensive.

Sorry if my joke about your ED problem is offensive.
No hard feelings?

How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone?

Ed here

I just took my pilots Ed test high on magic mushrooms.

I passed with flying colors.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.