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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?

He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily

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Of Ted

Me, Ted and the rest of the homies would meet every week no matter what and game at each other's house.

However as the weeks passed by, Ted became less excited about these sessions. It turned out that he had gotten himself hooked to smoking. It got so bad to the point whereby he even made ex...

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Two Americans named George and Ted were vacationing in London one day. While Ted was using the bathroom at a restaurant, George saw two familiar-looking men enter the restaurant.

"Where have I seen you before?" asked George.

"You may have read our stories," replied one of the two men. "I'm Dr. John Watson, and this is my roommate, Sherlock Holmes, who is absolutely perfect at logic."

"Logic?" asked George. "What's that?"

"Tell me something about yourself...

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

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A man named Ted moved into an apartment building and was invited to have dinner by the old lady next door.

He arrives and is introduced to her beloved cat Sadie and then they sit down to eat.

A few minutes into the meal Ted starts feeling rather gassy. He holds it as long as he can but finally lets out a teeny fart.

Before he can apologize the old lady yells out "Sadie!" and tells her cat t...

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

A cop pulls over a married couple on the highway.

Officer says to the husband, who was driving, "I'm pulling you over because I clocked you doing 65 in a 50."

"That's impossible officer, I had cruise control set to 55."

The wife chimes in "Ted, you know the cruise control doesn't work."

"Shut up woman!" shouts the husband.
<...

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

Ted had been on his phone constantly at every funeral he had been to.

It was quite disrespectful of him. So at this most recent one, I told him: “I think you’re addicted.”

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A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

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Ted Cruz, a porn addict, a sociopath, and the Zodiac Killer walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistres...

What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection?

Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.

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We now know with 100% certainty that Ted Cruz is not the biological father to his children.

He always pulls out when it gets hard.

Why are Texans mad at Ted Cruz right now?

Because he’s getting a lot of heat.

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Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

Why do people instantly hate Ted Cruz?

Because it saves time. (I stole this joke from the news last night)

Old Ted was out in his boat on the lake.

He'd light a stick of dynamite and throw it out in the water, then pull in the dead fish after it went off.

The game warden pulls up in his boat along side Old Ted's and says "Ted, you know it's illegal to dynamite for fish?"

Old Ted doesn't say a word, just picks up another stick, lig...

Meet Ted!

Ted has no arms.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Not Ted.

What's better than Ted Danson?

Ted singin and dancin.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

Ted is well into his third beer in the bar when Bill comes in.

"Hey Ted, how ya doin'?" asks Bill.

Ted turns his eyes to Bill and signals for another beer. "So so. My wife just ran off last night with my best friend."

"But Ted!" protests Bill. "*I'm* your best friend!"

"...Not any more," says Ted.

Ted Bundy and Jeffery Dahmer have dinner together

Ted: hey Jeff you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey: nah, only Ben and jerry

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

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Ted's new girlfriend tell him to put a finger in her.

"Put a finger in me," said Tammy. Ted obliges her and puts a finger in her vagina.

"Now put another one in," she says and ted puts a second finger in.

"Now three."

"Now four," Ted continues to oblige and has four fingers in.

"Just put the whole hand in," Ted now inserts h...

Ted talks...but does

Ted listen ?

What do you call your reddit friend Ted who works at the deli?

-deleted-

What you call a house with a Mexican and American ghost?

A Juan-Ted house

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

What day was it they executed Ted Bundy?

Fry day.

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Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

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Ted comes home completely drunk one night.

Ted comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. ...

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Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we loa...

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

George and Ted were driving through the countryside when there car broke down.

They went to a nearby farmhouse to call a tow truck. When they knocked on the door, a gorgeous woman answered.

"Can we use your phone?" they asked.

"Yes," said the woman. So George and Ted used the woman's phone to call a tow truck.

The tow truck company told them that it woul...

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Hi, I'm Ted and I'm addicted to making puns.

Everyone: Hi Ted!

Ted: the final straw was when my friend said to me "you need to stop making puns, it is selfish and mean. You're a dick, Ted"

Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"?

Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!

Son: Nice one, Dad.

Dad: I'm not your Dad.

Ted

there once was a lecher named Ted .
who fancied himself a goer in bed .
but when parting a bush .
he would fumble and push .
and screw the poor mattress instead .

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What did they tell Ted when he kept drinking alcohol instead of caring for his wife?

You're a dick Ted.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

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Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

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Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

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Where's John?

Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?
Joe: He's in the hospital.
Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!
Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...

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Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time and Julie whispers, "I should warn you, Ted, I've got acute angina."

Ted responds, "Your breasts aren't bad either!"

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Ted told me i'm a dick...

I said i'm not addicted.

Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures?

He's gifted

Carnival is offering a single day trip guaranteed to leave all your worries behind.

It's called a Ted Cruz

Full credit to my dad who just texted me this.

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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.

“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Well straight like normal,” Ed s...

I never watch Ted talks about aids

Some ideas are not worth spreading.

Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.

They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.

The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.

Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think ...

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

I was watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix

When he was first arrested, the police departments from the different states got together in a hotel to have a conference and share knowledge with each other.


It was the world’s first Ted Talk.

Every time Ted Cruz says something...

is a Ted talk

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What do you say to your uncle Ted who is an asshole and has issues with drugs?

You're a dick Ted.

Ted

A well known guy around town named Ted just left the bank in a hurry, sprinting toward a bus stop. The bus arrives, the driver sees the man running and leaves in a panic just before Ted makes it. He was surprised, EVERYONE knew Ted. "Why didn't the driver stop?" He wondered. Then it hit him, Te...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

What do you get when you cross Ted Kennedy with Harry Potter?

Chappaquidditch

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

Dolphins are the Ted Bundy of the animal kingdom

Raping murdering psychopaths, but white women love them.

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom...

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and ...

TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

What's Ted Nugent's favorite book?

The musicians guide to fingering A Minor.

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

Friend 1: Ted Bundy was pretty popular with the ladies right?

Friend 2: Yeah dude, he slayed.

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

This is an old joke but I really enjoy it....

Ted Bundy is walking through the forest with a young woman and the young woman looks back at Ted and says “It’s getting dark and I’m scared.”

Ted replies “You’re scared? I’m the one that has to walk back through here *alone*!

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A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

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Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

Broke and starving, Bill & Ted walks up to a bakery.

Bill: "Look..I stole 3 pieces of bread, placed them in my pocket and the baker didn't even notice. It's like magic!

Ted: "You want to see real magic? Watch this."

Ted approaches the baker: "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a magic trick? Let me eat 3 pieces of your bread then watc...

Ted decided to go start a youtube channel

This youtube channel was solely for making diss tracks about famous youtubers. Unfortunately, his first one was not successful, it was incredibly bad, and so he got thousands of dislikes. Undiscouraged, Ted made a few more diss tracks and uploaded them, only to get hate messages and death threats so...

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Bill, Bonnie, and Ted

So Bill, Bonnie, and Ted are stuck on a deserted tropical island. And I mean completely deserted. After a week they haven't seen any other inhabitants, they've seen no boats, planes, anything.
Over the next couple of weeks they manage to find and gather some food, create a shelter, and generally...

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Donald, Scott, Ted & a Mexican guy are walking on a beach...

Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz & a Mexican guy are walking along a beach when They notice a lamp in the sand. All 4 men reach for it at the same time.

Upon touching it, a genie pops out. The genie says: "Normally, I'd grant 3 wishes to one person, but since you've all touched the ...

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

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What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's dad have in common?

They both waited too long to pull out.

Something I saw posted on reddit the other day just happened to me IRL...

It was a meme come true!

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

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Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

What did Ted Bundy order for his last meal?

Chick Fil a

*came up with that on my own. If you can improve on it feel free.

I saw something was both cringy and educational...

It should be on TedTok

Did you hear about the guy who got caught living on public transportation?

Bus Ted

Why was Ted Kennedy called the "Lion of the Senate"?

Because he mated at will and killed without remorse.

Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon

[hope you can decrypt it]

Bill and Ted were at a bar...

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a te...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

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Ted's a dick

Ted: It might sound like I'm an alcoholic because I'm stealing money for booze, but I swear I'm not addicted.

Fred: You're a dick, Ted.

Ted: I just said that I'm not!

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

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Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent is driving down the interstate late at night when nature begins to call. He sees a sign for a rest stop. He says to himself, "Oh man, I know what goes on at these places at night, but I gotta go!"

So he pulls in to the rest stop, looks in the bathroom and finds it empty. Relieved...

What was Ted Bundy's last job?

Conductor

Danson is better than Cruz in every way.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

My friend Ted told me he would not give anymore money to "that awful airline company everyone is talking about".

So I said, "U N I, Ted !"

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Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

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A sexually active cock

A couple goes to visit a farm. A farmer shows them around and points toward a chicken and says, "This chicken is amazing, he can have sex 300 times a day."

The wife glances meaningfully to the husband and says, "Wow, what an amazing cock."

He husband, wisely, asks the farmer, "But is i...

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Ted and Bill are riding thier horses down the cattle ranch

When Ted spots a cow pie. He says to Bill "I will give you 200 bucks to eat that cow pie." and Bill responds "200 bucks? Thats easy!" so he jumps down and eats the cow pie right then. A few minutes later he sits up and Ted gives him his $200. Ted says "well I'll be damned. I didn't think you'd do it...

Knock knock

Who's there

Axolotl

Axolotl who?

you sure do Axolotl questions.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

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