UPJOKE
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Volcano Jokes

Why didn't the volcano have any money?

It went bank-erupt.

What does baby volcano say to his volcano mom?

Magma.

Why are volcanoes so jolly?

Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

What do you call a mean person who fell in a pit created by a volcano?

Ashhole.

If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot...

...You'll Krakatoa

From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner?

Because its plates were broken.

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?

I lava you

Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano?

But only once.

The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now...

But everything around it is Chile.

When our son was 5...

I tried to get him with the old joke "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?" The classic answer, of course, is "Finding half a worm." So I said "Hey Michael, what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?" He thought a few seconds, then said "Falling into a volcano?"

After I finall...

Scientists say that the Yellowstone super-volcano is overdue for an eruption.

Apparently the volcano has eruptile dysfunction.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went t...

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

Volcanos never fake an eruption!

What do you get when you cross a volcano with a fruit?

A lavacado!

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

​Dont kick a volcano

you might Krakatoa

Did you guys hear about that unexpected volcano eruption?

It was rather pompeiineous

What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano?

Bach Lava

A brunette, red head, and blonde are taken hostage on a tropical island...

"Any last words?" They ask the brunette while pointing a gun in her direction.
"TORNADO!", she yelled.
They turn around and look for a tornado, the brunette escapes while they look away.

They pointed the gun towards the red head next and asked her, "any last words?"
"VOLCANO!"
The...

What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?

With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.

Two scientists are studying a volcano. One says 'yep, she's gonna blow'.

The other says 'nevermind her, what about the volcano?'

What did the affectionate volcano tell the Hawaiian homeowner?

"I lava you."

Why was the volcano rude?

It kept interrupting.

What do you call it when a Volcano is on it's period?

Pyroclastic flow

What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.

(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

Did you hear about the bird that lost all of its feathers in a volcano?

It was moltin'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Animals see that the nearest volcano is going to blast.

They start to have sex with each other as they are going to die anyway. Elephant sees Hippo, jumps on her and starts fucking. Hippo says:

"We're about to die, why are you using a condom?"

"It's not a condom, it's Anaconda blowing"

Hey, is the cult still going to sacrifice a divorcee to the volcano?

No, they'll give it a miss.

Why are active volcanos so happy?

Because they lava alot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves?

The lavatory, of course!

My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment more in the bedroom...

I don't know why she got so mad when I put my baking soda and vinegar volcano next to the nightstand.

What do you call it when the rim of a volcano gets all dirty and smelly?

Smagma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He wasn't throwing up.

One day a guy walks into a bar he then asks the bartender "I'll take one of your strongest drinks."
So the bartender gets him a drink called Volcano and warns the guy that he is only allowed one of these drinks a night because they are so strong.
The guy finishes his drink and doesn't feel a ...

What did 1 volcano say to another volcano?

That ash.

My girl says I'm like a volcano in bed...

Dormant

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

An explosive knock knock joke

My 11yr old son came up with this joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting mountain
Interrup-
VOLCANO!!!

I love volcanoes. My girl doesn't.

Don't know if I lava anymore.

My pseudonym when I would write a book about volcanoes?

T.R. Ash

scientology the far fetched religion

Scientology.

For those who think religion isn’t far fetched enough, I mean come on Alien lizards living under the sea and then moving under a volcano and transmitting to world leaders.

add two Italian brothers and you’ve got the first five levels of Super-mario



(old j...

A man goes to find a Holy Knight of Trigonometry

His journey started after learning everything he could from his master, but he wanted to test his skills with one of the three knights. A long journey took him across plains, he had to climb dangerous mountains, sail across perilous seas, and even fly over a river of lava, flowing from a volcano tha...

In our fight against garbage and overflowing landfills, I feel like we're under-utilizing our...

...active volcanoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the volcano say to his therapist?

Doctor, why is it so hard to LAVA woman?

.

.

.

I'll leave.

What do you get when you throw a chicken in a volcano?

Baklava

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

A cake in an oven

Society needs to stop discriminating, we don’t question a baker having a cake in the oven but as soon as I put 4 children and 2 horses in a volcano im the bad guy

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At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.

The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they are looking for a virgin to toss in to a volcano to appease 2020.

Do any of my fellow redditors want to volunteer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

Yo mama so dumb...

...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the R...

I like mountains.

But volcanoes are ash holes.

Why do the Greeks play classical music by volcanoes?

because of all the Bach lava.

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

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