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Globe Jokes

Did you guys hear about the globe that got pressed flat into vinyl album?

Yeah, it was a world record.

A giant globe fell on my son's face.

He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

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A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.

When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.

"Hello class" she says.

"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.

Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.

The principal...

Flat-earthers have heard their theory is spreading around the globe

They don't believe it.

I've had a lovely globe on my desk for years, and I just met the man who made it!

It's a small world.

When I was little, my parents bought me a globe for my birthday.

It meant the world to me

My friend wanted to exchange his hourglass for my globe.

But I would never trade the world for more time.

What was the man who went around the globe for the first time called?

Sir-Cumference

Today, I ran into the guy who sold me an antique globe years ago.

It’s a small world.

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

Why was the cat laying on the globe?

He wanted to take a cat map.

A Globe was walking down the street.....

It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"

Ten of the Richest People in the World Take a Luxurious Cruise Around the Globe

Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, Richard Branson, Michael Bloomberg, Steve Ballmer, Charles Koch, and Jim Walton went on a luxurious yacht to cruise around the globe. Each of them brought an endangered animal to cook and eat as a delicacy during the trip.
Little...

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A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper th...

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light globe?

You can unscrew a light globe

My mother left only an ancient globe as part of her last will

It meant the world to me.

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...

and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The Europea...

Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes

Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front

How many dyslexics does it take to change a light globe?

Eno

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

I told my friend I was appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre

He said, "Are you being facetious?"
I said "No, Polonius"

I wanted to make a joke about the planet not being a globe but...

it fell flat

I dropped some hair removal cream onto my globe.

Now I feel like I've got the world at my Veet.

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A man falls over and lands on a globe.

He heads to the doctors.

The doctor asks what's wrong.

"I've got this spain in my arsehole."

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Have you seen the new globe they're making?

It's revolutionary

I put two globes between my wife and I. "Why have you done that?" she asked.

I said, "We're worlds apart, honey."

I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue.

Now I have the world at my feet.

Ive travelled the globe trying to convince people the earth is flat

No one understands the gravity of my message

Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

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With greater access to the internet around the globe, more and more people are watching porn.

What is this world coming to?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.

She must be found and stopped.

Tributes from around the globe are still pouring in after the death of Sir Roger Moore…

The one from Vladimir Putin read: "From Russia, with love."

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.

I was in a world of my own

Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion

But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.

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A man puts his hand on a globe and says, "That feels just like my wife's ass."

Then Dave puts his hand on the globe and says, "You know, it really does."

I spent 20 years traversing across the globe searching for the best mustache...

... Until I realized the best mustache was right under my nose the whole time

in the beginning God created Man and said "I have created the perfect woman and wife for you, and put her in all four corners of the globe"

then he made the world round and LAUGHED.

What could we call an international chain of hotels catering to vampires?

Hema Globe Inns

(Thoughts on this OC?)

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Robert Plant, Paul McCartney, and Mick Jagger convene once a year to discuss all the great foods they've found travelling the globe on tour.

Robert is the first to excited reveal his 'big find'. He takes out a little pie tray from a brown paper bag and places it on the table.

"It's a pastry of some kind from Tanzania. It's akin to what we call a quiche, but uses yak cheese and quail eggs instead!"

"Fascinating" says Paul, w...

A geography teacher assigned each of his students a country to find on a map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

'I can find Italy on the globe, Sir' says James 'It's easy because it looks like a boot'

'Well done James' says the teacher

'I can find Pakistan on the globe' says Emily...

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

I was arguing with a flat Earth believer

We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".

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A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

What’s another name for a flat-earther?

A Globe-a-phobe.

I had a nightmare last night.

I had a nightmare last night that I was stuck inside a snow globe.

When I woke up I was really shaken up.

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Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.

First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"

The p...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Did you hear about the anemic guy that cut all the grass on earth in a square pattern?

He mow globe in cells

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A pupil was describing to his parents how his teacher went around the world, travelling from place to place but only stopping in sex clubs, dungeons and brothels.

Sir cum-navigated the globe.

*Me after travelling 6 out of the 7 continents of the world*

\*Points to the last remaining continent on the globe\*
"Europe next."

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A flat earther as your Secret Santa

A bunch of employees participate in the annual Secret Santa exchange. They all draw a name from the hat. They all say what they want as presents.

A woman stands up and jokingly says “I want a bra for my big globes.”

A man in a serious manner replies “I’ll get you a boob job instead.”

Bosnian guy called Sakib just started working as a car salesman in Germany

Bosnian guy called Sakib just started working as a car salesman in Germany.

First day passes by and Sakib sells 10 cars to some Chinese guys. His boss is shocked, and then ask him: "Sakib, how did you sell 10 cars?" To which Sakib replies: "Boss, all people around the globe know me." Boss jus...

Four Nordic men with terrible memories took a trip.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories, Finn, Mark, Lan, and Svee, took a trip.

Together, they travelled far and wide - they sipped wine under the Eiffel tower, climbed Kilimanjaro, met elephants in Thailand, saw the Hollywood sign in California, road tripped across the US, and ended up in Ne...

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

Today, something disturbing is announced on the news.

"Flat Earthers claim to have members all around the globe."

A Man Asks for Three Shots At Once

One day a man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I’m gonna be having three shots, please. But, rather than one shot at a time, I’d like all three at once”

The bartender is confused by this request and asks, “why?”

The man replies, “Well, you see, I’m very close to my two brothe...

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

After years of going to catholic church I’ve finally decided to seek other points of view on religion...

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it...

[Long] [Kinda British] There was a man in search of the dumbest pun in the world.

He travelled the globe for months and finally stopped at a campsite with 26 tents. The man went into the first tent, tent A. Three men came in to talk with him and they told jokes for a while. Two of the men said they knew what the dumbest pun in the world was. "It's in tent A!" they said. The last ...

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Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.



(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

Why do Gypsy's walk funny?

Because of their Crystal Balls

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

I hate to travel...

Mostly because my dad used to beat me with a globe.

(credit: Dave Attell)

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

Obama died, and there is nothing to do in heaven, so he decided to visit New York.

He goes into the first bar he see and asks the bartender what's up, how people live, what are the problems, etc. The bartender is asking, surprised:
-what are the problems? Everything around is ours!
-what about Afghanistan, Iraq...
-It's all ours.
-Europe, Africa and Asia? ...

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An astronaut returns from working in the ISS, and his friends and family all want to know what it was like in space.

At his welcome back barbeque, he talked about the different foods he ate, how he bathed, and other quirks of living without gravity. The party quieted down, and one of his friends approached to ask the question everybody wanted to know, but nobody wanted to ask.

"Didn't you have time to jack ...

What paper do you read?

The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country.
The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country.
The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country.
The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and ...

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.

I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa! I'm way too high!"


-Bruce Baum

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

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An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....

Smiling, happy, the engineer says, "Bartender, shots for everyone!"

The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"

The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"

The bartender deploys the drinks to e...

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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