So my son asked me why his teddy bear didn’t need to eat. I said why, he said

Because he’s stuffed.

A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant

The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

It’s my cake day.. why couldn’t the Teddy Bear finish his cake?

He was already stuffed!!
Haha
Sorry it’s so cheese.

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles?

No thanks I’m stuffed!

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

What do you call a teddy bear who rides a bike everywhere?

Schwinnie The Pooh

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the be...

My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

I told my teddy bear it was cute.

it plushed.

How did the Space Teddy Bear cross the road?

Ewoked.

People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory.

Just stuff.

What is a teddy bears favorite food...

Stuffing.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

Do you want to know what happened to the suicidal teddy bear?

He couldn't do it he was too soft.

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are teddy bear poops called?

Fleeces

What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?

The punch is pretty weak

So a teddy bear got a job at a mine...

Once upon a time, there was a teddy bear, and that teddy bear got a job at a mine.

On his first day there, he got up in the morning, grabbed his pick, and did a good day of mining, then he went to sleep.

The next day, he got up, grabbed his pick, and did an even BETTER day of mining,...

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10

And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

The three bears.

The three bears are out of work after the whole Goldilocks scandal.
Anyway they get offered a days work on a building site, and the foreman gives them a task and some picks.
On giving them their tools he says, "don't lose your tools".
So after working all morning dinner arrives, and off the...

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what ...

What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?

Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is...

when your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

So the guy takes the blind date to a carnival

"What do you want to do first?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she replies, so he takes her to the "guess your weight" booth. She wins a teddy bear, but doesn't seem very pleased.

"What do you want to do now?" he asks.

"I wanna get **weighed**!!" she says.

"But ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was given $30 by his mother to do shopping with.

However, on the way to the store, he spent the money on a teddy bear.

As he had no money, he then decided to go home. On the way, he saw that his neighbour's wife was in bed with another man, and that the neighbour was coming. He walked into their house and hid in the closet with the lover.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A eighty something year old man and his new 24 year old bride....

The new bride had only married the elderly man for his money . She was sure he would pass soon . They arrived at the hotel for their honeymoon . The elderly groom tried and half heatedly managed to carry the bride across the threshold . The bride new his heart might not be able to stand much more , ...

The son wanna date a neighbour

\- Dad, can I date Lisa next door?

\- No, she is your sister.

\- How about Anna in block 59?

\- No, she is your little sister.

\- Ok, this is weird. How about Karen the waitress? Can I date her or is she my sister too?

\- No, she is your brother.

The upset s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

Between us

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist “do you have cotton balls?”

Pharmacist replies “oh yeah sure - what do I look like a Teddy Bear?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys Go to a House Party

The host tells them beforehand, "it's an costume party, you need to come dressed as an emotion." They all agree. The first guy shows up, dressed in all red, the host asks "what are you supposed to be?" "I'm red with anger." The party-goer replied "Go ahead." The second guy shows up in all green, "wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother asks little Johny to go to a shop...

...but she only has a £50 note therefore she says to him "I'm giving you £50 and you have to buy bread, milk and butter only. Do not buy anything else and bring the change back."

As he was told, he goes to a shop but he sees a huge teddy bear for £50 and he buys it. He comes back home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John's wife is about to give birth to his first child...

...and John is equally terrified and excited, a total nervous wreck.

On the day his wife went to the hospital, John went to work at the factory, prepared to leave as soon as he got the call that his wife was in labor.

John could barely concentrate. His mind was swimming with doubt and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

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