In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.

Because it's made of hide

I only like smooth leather

and my opinion will never be suede.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Why was the leather shoe so stubborn?

Because it couldn’t be suede.

A Rabbi is thinking to himself one day...

"What do I do with all of these foreskins?"

As a Rabbi, he had accumulated at least a thousand foreskins and was stumped at what to do with them. Finally, he decides to take all of these foreskins to a leather worker to see if the leather worker could make something out of them.

The ...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

What do you call a French leather coat maker...?

Jim Lapel.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

I am addicted to purchasing a particular type of leather jacket.

No matter where I am, if I see this style of leather jacket, I have to get it. I guess you could say that I am easily suede.

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the ...

My dad always told me "never hit a woman

...unless she's wearing leather"

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself...

I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in parti...

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths...

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A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

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A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership.

She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as she tur...

Job Interview

\- How was your job interview yesterday?

\- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table... He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. H...

I blew all of my money on leather jackets and juke boxes...

I’m worried that I may be caught in a Fonzey scheme.

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

I saw a climate scientist eating pasta out of a pink leather bowl

He was eating carb on dyed ox hide

A guy inherits a fortune...

A guy inherits a fortune and goes on a massive spending spree: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, the works.

He upgrades his wardrobe and goes to the most exclusive shops for bespoke outfits. When it comes time to get shoes, he wants something a little different.

The salesman shows him a ...

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine

A porcupine doesn’t have leather seats

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My wife fucked me with a leather jacket on.

I've never had so many cows on top of me at once.

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Two blondes on the parking

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while.

Finally one gets ...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

Why is leather armour best for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry

x-post from /r/Showerthoughts. [Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/3iruvv/leather_armour_is_the_best_for_sneaking_because/)

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

I met a girl who was into leather and bondage.

She tied me up and stole my wallet.

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

I don't understand people wearing leather or fur...

Don't they realize that animals are suffering because of their sense of fashion? They should put themselves into the animals' skin and try to understand.

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So, this chick walks into a bar.

She sees a guy sitting at the bar and he's pretty attractive, but very sad. So she decides to sit down next to him. She can't help but ask why he's so sad. He says that his girlfriend just broke up with him. She replies that in an odd bit of happenstance, her boyfriend had just broken up with her to...

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You ask me, have I met Pancho Villa?

Well let me tell you.

I was riding my horse through the desert when I saw him: Pancho Villa. From a mile away I knew him. He wore a pair of leather chaparejos on his legs. On his head he wore a sombrero big enough to stretch from Oaxaca to Aguascalientes and back. But what caught my eye most ...

I think i am allergic to leather.

Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.

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The Judge

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on a bench. He picks it up and runs through the first door he sees, which leads to the judge\`s chambers.

The judge says, "Hey kid, go across the street ...

Leather Worker

There is a doctor who has collected foreskins the entire 20 yrs he has been a Dr, after he retires he takes them to a leather worker to see what he can do with them, the guy tells the Dr to come back in a few days, so the Dr. leaves and returns after 3 days, he goes to the leather worker and says "W...

A woman is on her way to church

Wearing a tight leather skirt, she realizes she can’t reach her leg up to the first step of her church’s shuttle bus. Reaching behind her, she pulls the zipper down a little bit then tries again.

She attempts to take a step up, can’t reach, and reaches behind her again to pull down the zippe...

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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes....

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

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A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves woul...

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[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong....

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Guy walks into a bar.

The place is totally packed standing room only except for one seat at the bar next to an older man. So the guy walks over and sits down. The older man turns to him and say hey! You see this bar? I made this bar, I sanded it I planed it, I wrapped the leather around the edge, do they call me McGregor...

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A man buys a motorcycle

The salesman hands over a tube of vaseline. "If it starts raining, coat your seat with it. It will protect the leather from water damage."

The man decides to take his new motorcycle down some country roads in the middle of nowhere. Several hours from the nearest big city, his new ride breaks ...

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be ...

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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

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Donald Trump has a problem.

Donald Trump has a problem.

He's had a long life of being a rich playboy, womanizer, having lots of sex. Recently, however, no matter what he does, he can't have an orgasm. He's tried sexy outfits for Melania, Viagra, porn, porn *stars,* Japanese massage parlors, fleshlights, pills from the...

I like my men like I like my books

Well read and bound in leather.

eating in a truck stop

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too ...

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

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