UPJOKE
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I just stole a wig from the devil

If I ever get caught, there's going to be hell toupee.

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently...

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

I thought my friend spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee..

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

I just removed a Wig, some Lipstick and two Chicken Fillets off my racecar...

You could say I significantly reduced the drag.

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

The local wig shop got broken into last night

They've had to replace all the locks

An elderly couple has fallen on hard times…

After exhausting all other options, the husband and wife agree that she will go out and turn tricks to make ends meet. The next day, she gussies herself up by putting on her best wig, her reddest lipstick, and her lowest-cut dress. Then out the door she goes around 4 pm.

When midnight rolls a...

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I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.

He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

**It's too high of a price 'toupee.'**

How did the bald man live after he got caught stealing a wig?

He lived toupee.

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television

She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself

She approaches the salesman and says "I would like to buy this TV." The salesman says "sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don't think you know what you're looking for."

Upset, the blonde storms out and thin...

A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal.

It was a small price toupee'.

What do you call it when a blonde woman puts on a wig?

Artificial Intelligence.

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

The CW's Batwoman wore a red wig as a part of her costume, but that was just a misdirect...

A red "hairring", if you will

I opened an awful men’s wig shop.

It’s called hell toupee.

Why was the bird wearing a wig?

Because it was a bald eagle!

A truck full of wigs tipped over on a motorway today.

The cause is unclear but the police are still combing the area..

What do you call a red, white, and blue pubic wig?

A merkin.

The local wig shop was burgled

Police is combing the area..

A man tries to smuggle cocaine under his wig.

While he is walking through the airport, he trips and the wig falls of. He puts it back one quickly, but a guard notices the drugs and arrests him.

When he gets home that night, his wife asks him, "anything interesting happen today love"?. He says yeah we caught a cocaine bigwig today. He wa...

What were four members of One Direction doing in the wig shop?

They were looking for hairy styles.

A joke from John Steinbeck about the mysteries of womankind

Two women are catching up after meeting in town. One says to the other “Your hair looks crazy today, it looks like a wig!” The other woman says “It is a wig”. The first goes “Oh wow, you could never tell!”

Someone stole the president’s wig

That was a bald move

What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?

There will be hell, toupee.

(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.

"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."

"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or ...

Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

What do you call a wig shop in China ?

The hair club for Min

What did one wig ask the other wig before going to a vacation?

With which hairline are you flying with?

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

I went to my Dr. the other day and said “doc last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee, and the next night I dreamt I was a wig-wam”

He said relax you’re two tents

My wife bought me a ridiculously expensive wig which covered me from head to toe! Wtf, I mean... I had to return it...

... simply far too much toupee.

My homie invited me to watch a drag race.

I showed up to the track wearing a blonde wig and running shoes and realized I grossly misunderstood what he meant.

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The bald man and his wig

A bald man wearing a wig, along with his wife, go to the movie theater. After lights out, the man somehow loses his wig. He uses his hand and searches for it around his seat. His wife, having been deprived of sex for so long, uses this opportunity and takes his hand and puts it under her panties. Hi...

Old Man Jack married an old maid

Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.

On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.

She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case....

What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug?

One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

Does anyone have a Rastafarian wig?

We have crazy hair day at work tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

I got screwed by a man in a wig yesterday...

He was judging me the whole time.

What do you call a carrot and a potato who are both wearing stupid wigs?

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

BREAKING: An 18 wheeler full of wigs and toupees crashes and spills over the I-95 interstate at 1:30pm today.

Police are still combing the area.

The Halloween costume

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

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My 7yo son just came up with this.

What is a difference between pokemon and the White house?

In pokemon you catch turtwig, but in White house you have a turd wig.

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Surprises

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”

After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. Yo...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

Mrs. Schmidt hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.

The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidt tells her husband.

He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the b...

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

A blond walks in to a electronics store

A blonde walks in to a electronics store looking for a new tv. She found one that seemed fine and found a employee. When she showed him the tv he said: Sorry ma’am, we don’t sell to blondes

The next day she came back wearing a brown wig and another employee that she wanted the tv. again. The...

An old woman walks into a bank...

The bank was the most reputed one in the small town.

Clerk: " May I help you madam?"

Woman:"I want to open an account and deposit $1,000,000."

Since it was a lot of money, the clerk sent the woman to the manager's office.

Manager:"Please don't mind my asking but how do yo...

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You hav...

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A blonde woman walks into a thrift store, grabs a tv, and goes to buy it.

She tells the cashier “excuse me sir, I’d like to buy this tv.” The cashier tells the woman “sorry ma’am, I don’t sell to blondes” the blonde woman walks out pretty pissed off, and decided that she would come back tomorrow in a wig so the cashier wouldn’t recognize her. So she comes back the next da...

My dad used to abuse my mom (long)

As a little kid, I remember countless nights of being awake at night scared by all the yelling and screaming downstairs. A few times my mom would be bruised on her arms. I'd ask her about it and she wouldn't say anything.

One day she got the courage to call the police and have him taken away ...

Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir, I would like to buy that television over there"

"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies

Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door

She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her

"Sorry ma'am we...

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What do Irish Judges and women have in common?

According to irish law they both deserve to be assaulted

One for wearing thongs, the other for wearing a sexy wig.

I hosted a costume party a while back

I understood most of the costumes, but there was one guy with a rainbow clown wig, a captain America shield, an invisible dog, and a kimono. I must've sat there for 20 minutes trying to figure it out, but nothing made sense. So I went up to ask him directly.

Me: "Hey, nice costume"

Him...

A blond woman walks into a electronics shop

The owner of the shops asks if he can help her and she points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ The owner says: ‘we don’t sell to blondes.’

So she leaves and comes back to the shop with a red colored wig on and points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ Again th...

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

Some jokes I know.

What do you call a golf club with a wig on it?

A hairy putter.





Why does Santa Claus have such a large sack?

Because he only comes once a year.





Him: *"Yo, what happened to your face? It's all bloodied"*

Her: *"Can you see that tree ov...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

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How to rob a bank

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping u...

A Blonde walked into a electronics store...

She came in the shop and asked for a Tv. The man asked her which one. She pointed to the one she thought was cheapest. Instantly the guard said "No blondes allowed".

The next day she came in wearing a red wig. She did the exact same thing and the guard kicked her out again.

The 3rd d...

So a blonde wants to buy a new tv

So she gets to the store and picks the tv she likes but then a member of staff stops her and says: "sorry we dont sell to blondes", more confused than offended she walks out the store.

When she got home she thought of a plan that will allow her to buy a tv: to dye her hair black.
So the ne...

My friend came up to me

He said, "Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?"

I said, "Not off the top of my head."

Blonde walks into a pawn shop...

Tells the cashier she would like to purchase the TV in the corner.

With out hesitation the clerk tells the blonde that they dont sell tvs to blonde people.

Puzzled, the blonde walks out. She returns the next day with a brown wig on, and ask the owner if ahe can buy the TV in the corner...

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

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A woman is having a party and tells all the guests to dress as a feeling.

The first person shows up all dressed in green with his face painted green. The hostess says, "I see you are green with envy. Come on in."

The second guest is a woman who is dressed in blue with a blue wig. The hostess says, "I see you're blue - you're sad. Come in!"

Later, the hos...

A blonde joke

A blonde goes to the store to return her TV she just bought. She takes it to the customer service desk and tells the employee that her TV is defective and would like to return it for a working model.
The employee looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes".
The lady comes...

So yesterday I wore a costume....

I am a male and I wore a see through shirt and pants. I completed my ensemble with a stuffed bra, long haired wig and lipstick. I pushed a baby doll around all night in a stroller holding the baby bottle....

I was a transparent transparent.

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Blonde tries to buy a tv

So this blonde girl goes to a store and say to the salesman that she wants to buy the tv right behind him , he says that he doesnt sell to blondes

She is pissed off, leaves the store but she wants that tv so bad , so she buys a black wig and go to the store again to try to buy that tv

...

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

A blonde walks into an electronics store...

and asks the manager, "How much is this TV?"

The manager says to her, "We don't sell to blondes". Furious, the blonde storms back to her home, where she threw on a black wig. She then goes back to the same store and asks the same manager, "How much is this TV?"

Once again, the manager ...

It's the day before Halloween in Hollywood

A group of actors old and new are hanging out talking about their plans and what they're going to be dressed up as. Among them are Nic Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Leonardo Dicaprio. The trio are huddled together as all three still haven't decided on a costume!
"We should plan something as a...

customer - Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.....

customer - Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.
-
Waiter - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

The racing driver

The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.

With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.

"There's the problem," says the en...

What do clowns call their boss?

The big wig.

A blonde walks into an appliance store...

She goes to the clerk and points behind him.

"I'd like to buy that television there." she declares to the clerk. The clerk turns around, glances back at the lady and says "We don't sell TVs to blondes." discouraged she walks out of the store.

The next day she comes back in hopes a ne...

You know most people don't think Trump is a traditional president...

But he does wear a wig.

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A family walks in to a talent agency

The father goes to the agent, "Sir, you really have to see our act. It's incredible!"

The agent says "No, I don't do family acts..."

The father excitedly interrupts, "I know what you are going to say they are too cutesy, right? Well our show is nothing like that!"

"No I don't do...

This joke was like "The Aristocrats" back in the day - question was how much you could elaborate it ...

Guy on a business trip gets to chatting with an attractive woman at the hotel bar and both of them being a little drunk, they wind up together in his bedroom.

So he's lying in bed watching her get ready, and first thing he sees is her take off her false eyelashes.

Then her false finger...

Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing

The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!

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