UPJOKE
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Puppet Jokes

What did one sock puppet say to another?

You look like you could use a hand.

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

Who else would like to see a puppet show without the puppets?

Let’s see a show of hands…

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Did you hear about the ventriloquist who claimed that he could use a live donkey as a puppet?

Turns out he was just talking out of his ass.

What's the difference between James Corden and a Sesame Street puppeteer?

The puppeteer has touched more Oscars.

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John was livid that his Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up...

John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.

He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.

John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new Employee, Sarah, surroun...

A ventriloquist couldn’t get his puppet to talk all day.

The ventriloquist was at his wits end. They had a show that night! Finally he asked his puppet, “What’s gotten into you?!”

The puppet looked at him and finally said, “Your hand!”

What did the puppet say when he was depressed

I'm going to Kermit suicide.

Why are no two hand puppets alike?

Because they are hand-made.

OC from my daughter.

Puppet show

A puppeteer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Say, who here would like to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?" he asks the people in the room. "Let's see a show of hands!"

I'm giving away a couple of puppets, if anyone is interested

No strings attached.

My friend helped me get a job as a marionette puppeteer.

Let's just say he had to pull a few strings.

What do sock puppets eat?

Finger foods

What do you call a faceless sock puppet?

A mitten.

TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

So I bought Master of Puppets today

I noticed there was a song missing. When I asked the store clerk later about it, he said "Battery not included".

Free to a good home. Sooty, Sweep and Sue glove puppets.

No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

I was gonna take my kids to see a puppet show, but it was all sold out

Thankfully, we still got in. I just had to pull some strings

I got a free puppet today

No strings attached

What do call the world's biggest puppet show?

The US presidential election.

How are puppet shows and politics similar?

They are both a bunch of silly characters yapping at each other with someone else's hands up their asses.

Another blonde joke

A famous ventriloquist is doing a comedy show with his puppet, where he and the puppet chat and the puppet tells the jokes. At one point in the show, the puppet tells a whole string of the usual blonde jokes, which has the audience roaring with laughter.

But one woman isn't having it. She st...

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Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

What book did the puppet read to get better at his craft?

Ventriloquism for Dummies!

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

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A black guy, white guy, asian guy and hand puppet are sitting in a bar...

The black guy says, "You know the thing about dating black girls? They're crazy in bed, but you can never trust them around other guys."

The white guy says, "White girls are cute, but they're always spoiled and high-maintenance."

The asian guy says, "Asian girls are intelligent, but th...

How did the puppeteer meet the President?

He pulled some strings.

A friend asked how many famous vampires I know. "Just 1," I replied. "From Seasame Street."

"He's a puppet!" My friend said. "He doesn't count!"

"Oh, I assure you, he does."

What’s sweaty has really tidy nails and smells like bacon

Miss piggy’s puppeteer

Not really a joke, I just need an explanation

So I came across a joke in a game that I don’t understand. The character (a puppet with a spring) said “guess this makes me a Jack-outta-the-box. Which I’d also never do.” [it’s from a game called Don’t Toy With Me]

What does this mean?? Is it a dirty joke?(if it’s nsfw, I’ll edit the post)

I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

Radio Yerevan was asked

Radio Yerevan was asked: the western puppet Zelensky and his military still resisting in Ukraine armed themselves with anti tank missiles provided by western nations. How is our army dealing with those missiles?

Radio Yerevan answers: No need to worry. Our ingenious army commanders came up w...

A woodpecker's a bird...

...unless you're a puppet.

~ The late great Robin Williams

Why did the Republic grow distrustful of Master Yoda’s position as Grand Master?

Because he turned out to be a puppet

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A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

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Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: [drinking an entire glass of water]
My puppet: No.

If Russia has been....

If Russia has been meddling with American politics and Trump is Vladimir Putins Puppet... Does that make Vladimir Putin a Trumpeteer?

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A young man walks into a lamp post

"Ouch!" the lamp post shrieked. "that was hella painful"

Appalled by what he heard, the young man went all crazy and started running down the streets, where he saw road crossing chickens, stupid blondes, fatherless black kids and an insane number of lawyers, engineers, priests, scientists, do...

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[OC] If they wanted an orange puppet at the helm, Ernie should have run for other team.

At least the hand up his ass is an American.

What is the difference between James Hetfield and Paula White?

One is a master of puppets, the other is a pastor of muppets.

How do we know Mike Pence isn't just using Donald Trump as a puppet to run the country?

He doesn't believe in putting his hand up another man's ass

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

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Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes.

First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as tha...

Do you know who really likes to get fisted?

Hand puppets!

[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.

The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. Af...

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

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