What did one sock puppet say to another?

You look like you could use a hand.

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

Who else would like to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?

Let's see a show of hands.

Puppet theatre in old people's home.

Puppet \[hidden person speaking\]: "IS EVERYBODY HERE?"

Old people, chorus: "Yes!"

Puppet: "But not for long!"

What did the Detective say to the Puppeteer when he was investigating a murder?

*did you have a hand in this?*

A ventriloquist couldn’t get his puppet to talk all day.

The ventriloquist was at his wits end. They had a show that night! Finally he asked his puppet, “What’s gotten into you?!”

The puppet looked at him and finally said, “Your hand!”

My friend found an old broken puppet and he said I can have it

No strings attached

What is the USSRs favourite puppet show?

The Allies

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

What do call the world's biggest puppet show?

The US presidential election.

What do you call a faceless sock puppet?

A mitten.

Ever wonder how many puppeteers there are in the world?

Probably only a handful!

What do sock puppets eat?

Finger foods

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

I was gonna take my kids to see a puppet show, but it was all sold out

Thankfully, we still got in. I just had to pull some strings

Free broken puppet! No hidden fees, free shipping, free returns. There's...

no strings attached.

So I bought Master of Puppets today

I noticed there was a song missing. When I asked the store clerk later about it, he said "Battery not included".

My friend helped me get a job as a marionette puppeteer.

Let's just say he had to pull a few strings.

What did the puppet say when he was depressed

I'm going to Kermit suicide.

What do choir boys and puppets have in common?

They both know what it's like to be felt...

What book did the puppet read to get better at his craft?

Ventriloquism for Dummies!

TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black guy, white guy, asian guy and hand puppet are sitting in a bar...

The black guy says, "You know the thing about dating black girls? They're crazy in bed, but you can never trust them around other guys."

The white guy says, "White girls are cute, but they're always spoiled and high-maintenance."

The asian guy says, "Asian girls are intelligent, but th...

How are puppet shows and politics similar?

They are both a bunch of silly characters yapping at each other with someone else's hands up their asses.

How did the puppeteer meet the President?

He pulled some strings.

Another blonde joke

A famous ventriloquist is doing a comedy show with his puppet, where he and the puppet chat and the puppet tells the jokes. At one point in the show, the puppet tells a whole string of the usual blonde jokes, which has the audience roaring with laughter.

But one woman isn't having it. She st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a lamp post

"Ouch!" the lamp post shrieked. "that was hella painful"

Appalled by what he heard, the young man went all crazy and started running down the streets, where he saw road crossing chickens, stupid blondes, fatherless black kids and an insane number of lawyers, engineers, priests, scientists, do...

A woodpecker's a bird...

...unless you're a puppet.

~ The late great Robin Williams

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] If they wanted an orange puppet at the helm, Ernie should have run for other team.

At least the hand up his ass is an American.

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

How do we know Mike Pence isn't just using Donald Trump as a puppet to run the country?

He doesn't believe in putting his hand up another man's ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

Do you know who really likes to get fisted?

Hand puppets!

What is the difference between James Hetfield and Paula White?

One is a master of puppets, the other is a pastor of muppets.

[Long] The American Fox Hunt

The US president, wanting to see which of his intelligence agencies was the best, released a fox into a wood and asked various agencies to catch it.

The NSA goes first. They tap the phone lines within the rabbit holes and monitor any internet searches on fox related topics within the wood. Af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: [drinking an entire glass of water]
My puppet: No.

If Russia has been....

If Russia has been meddling with American politics and Trump is Vladimir Putins Puppet... Does that make Vladimir Putin a Trumpeteer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes.

First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as tha...

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

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