This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

I told my teddy bear it was cute.

it plushed.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

If Teddy Roosevelt was still alive today, what would he be most famous for?

Being really, really old.

What do you call a teddy bear who rides a bike everywhere?

Schwinnie The Pooh

How did the Space Teddy Bear cross the road?

Ewoked.

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Teddy Roosevelt: what should we name the president's house?

**guy who named the blueberry:** what colour is it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”...

Do you want to know what happened to the suicidal teddy bear?

He couldn't do it he was too soft.

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

What did the cannibalistic teddy bear eat for Thanksgiving?

Stuffing!

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

One teddy said to another-

"Life without you is unbearable".

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the be...

Why are teddy bears never hungry?

Cause they're always stuffed.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Teddy Roosevelt and Donald Trump?

Roosevelt is known for saying, “walk softly, and carry a big stick.”

Trump is known for talking bigly and carrying a soft dick.

People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory.

Just stuff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are teddy bear poops called?

Fleeces

The son wanna date a neighbour

\- Dad, can I date Lisa next door?

\- No, she is your sister.

\- How about Anna in block 59?

\- No, she is your little sister.

\- Ok, this is weird. How about Karen the waitress? Can I date her or is she my sister too?

\- No, she is your brother.

The upset s...

My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

What is a teddy bears favorite food...

Stuffing.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?

The punch is pretty weak

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.

Beautiful night is,
When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.


Horror night is,









When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

So a teddy bear got a job at a mine...

Once upon a time, there was a teddy bear, and that teddy bear got a job at a mine.

On his first day there, he got up in the morning, grabbed his pick, and did a good day of mining, then he went to sleep.

The next day, he got up, grabbed his pick, and did an even BETTER day of mining,...

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10

And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.

The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”

The farmer took a good look at the...

So the guy takes the blind date to a carnival

"What do you want to do first?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she replies, so he takes her to the "guess your weight" booth. She wins a teddy bear, but doesn't seem very pleased.

"What do you want to do now?" he asks.

"I wanna get **weighed**!!" she says.

"But ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The sec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex frog

[Long]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

Between us

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist “do you have cotton balls?”

Pharmacist replies “oh yeah sure - what do I look like a Teddy Bear?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was given $30 by his mother to do shopping with.

However, on the way to the store, he spent the money on a teddy bear.

As he had no money, he then decided to go home. On the way, he saw that his neighbour's wife was in bed with another man, and that the neighbour was coming. He walked into their house and hid in the closet with the lover.<...

What would Theodore Roosevelt be called if he was a professional bodybuilder?

Teddy Swolevelt.








Yes, I know it's awful, Just had to get it out of my head.

Two guys from the 50's

Two guys from the 50's were talking out front of one's house.
The first neighbor says to the other, " what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"
The second neighbor looks at him and replies, " I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags."

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother asks little Johny to go to a shop...

...but she only has a £50 note therefore she says to him "I'm giving you £50 and you have to buy bread, milk and butter only. Do not buy anything else and bring the change back."

As he was told, he goes to a shop but he sees a huge teddy bear for £50 and he buys it. He comes back home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie

After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit, trade Sean Connery jokes with me (warning: contains shockingly bad puns)

The joke I heard here that started it all:

What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon?
*Tennish*

Now, thanks to that discovery, I'm stuck in a tour van with four dudes and we are all hopelessly addicted. Here are what I consider to be our top ten:

1. Did you hear about ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys Go to a House Party

The host tells them beforehand, "it's an costume party, you need to come dressed as an emotion." They all agree. The first guy shows up, dressed in all red, the host asks "what are you supposed to be?" "I'm red with anger." The party-goer replied "Go ahead." The second guy shows up in all green, "wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see his priest.

"Father I'm getting audited by the IRS and I don't know what to do. My accountant tells me to dress modestly but my lawyer tells me to dress to the nines and wear my most expensive watch to show I'm not afraid. "

"Son, this reminds me of a girl that her mother told her to dress in a gown tha...

The Kennedys

Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

sexual positions

My favourite sexual position is the Teddy Kennedy.

That’s where she drowns in it and I quickly leave the scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 boys are lost in the woods with only $0.25 each

Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive. They walked around for hours, and had no luck.

So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour, they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.

While walking Tim came...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sitting in a bar...

...having a drink and sees a beautiful girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says:

- Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?

- Sure, - she says, "have a seat."

The man sits down and they get to talking.

- You know, - the man says, - this is kind of a...

A man meets a gorgeous cougar at a bar.

They go back to her place for a night of passion. Afterwards the cub rolls over and asks how it was for her. "See those 3 shelves of teddy bears. Take any prize on the bottom shelf" the cougar says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A eighty something year old man and his new 24 year old bride....

The new bride had only married the elderly man for his money . She was sure he would pass soon . They arrived at the hotel for their honeymoon . The elderly groom tried and half heatedly managed to carry the bride across the threshold . The bride new his heart might not be able to stand much more , ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John's wife is about to give birth to his first child...

...and John is equally terrified and excited, a total nervous wreck.

On the day his wife went to the hospital, John went to work at the factory, prepared to leave as soon as he got the call that his wife was in labor.

John could barely concentrate. His mind was swimming with doubt and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Deliveryman and The Kid

A Deliveryman has to drop off his last package of the day at this mansion. He walks up to the door, rings the bell and a ten year old boy answers the door. The boy is wearing a hot pink teddy, has a lit cigar in one hand and glass of scotch in the other. The deliveryman understandably shocked says: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.