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Span Jokes

In honor of McConnell and Feinstein, C-SPAN is officially changing its name

It will now be called "Different Strokes"

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

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My attention span is as long as my dick.

What was I talking about?

What happens when you lose you attention span in school

You gain your detention span

I just heard that they are making new tvs for people with short attention spans.

its gonna have 20x as many pixels as 4k.


It's called 80HD.

I've got the attention span of a mosquito.

It sucks.

Life Span

Doctor told me i have a bad ilness and he gave me 2 weeks to live, i shot him...... judge gave me 25 years

why do pupils have such a long life span?

because they dilate

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

Man people have really short attention span for Avengers: Endgame

It's a twenty second movie after all.

Everyone was curious why the Michelin Star chef named his pioneered cuisine "Span"

"Cuz nobody expects it when the Span is in cuisine, son"

Why do some photographers have such short attention spans?

Becuse they have a 80D

Have you heard the joke from the kid with short attention-span?

He didn't even finish his j---

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

I have a friend who is 4' 9" so I always tell her short jokes...

...because she doesn't have a long attention span.

*fixed*

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.

There's an official term for something used to measure the length of a pirate's life.

It's a span-ish.

Dave and Colin had a friendly rivalry spanning many years. They played a drinking game where they would catch a mosquito each, knock it out and put it in their left ear. The first mosquito to wake up designated the winner. As I watched one night Dave jumped up, pointed at his friends glass and said

Fill Colins! I can feel it humming in my ear tonight

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

A man wants a pet

A man wants a pet. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .

Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.

The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containin...

What language do bridges speak?

Span-ish.

At the end of a very strange day, a Jewish-turned Catholic man calls his Catholic friend to chat.

The moment the Catholic picks up, the former-Jewish man tells him that he had several people knocking at his door at two in the morning when he least expected it. The former Jewish man tells his friend that from his sleep-addled perspective, they strangely almost seemed like they were covered in sca...

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A traveler notices an old man pounding drinks in an Irish pub...

He walks over and asks if the man is ok. He replies, "You know, I built the bridge that spans the stream in the middle of this village. But do you think they call me MacInnis the bridge builder?"
"No?" Responded the traveler.
"You're damn right they don't. I fought for the Allies against the ...

Make up your minds

People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you send kids to concentration camps. Damn Liberals. Make up your damn minds.

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

People say I have an obsessive personality...

But after thousands of hours of research spanning several decades, I found no conclusive evidence this is true.

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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Positi...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

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A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"

"Usually about three."

"And how much do you pay for a beer?"

"Including tip? About $5 per beer."

"How long have you been drinking beer?"

"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."

"So, at three beers ...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

How do you tell the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?

A Northern zoo has a large plaque in front of each animal cage. The plaque list the genus, species, common name, average life span, habitat and diet of the animal.

A Southern zoo has a recipe in from of each animal cage.

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

Three guys see a European man stretching across a lawn...

The First says: "That guy looks like Swede."

The Second says: "No no no, he is definitely Italian."

The Third says: "C'mon guys! He's definitely a SpanYard!"

I'll see myself out.

A space mission sent from Earth had landed on a distant planet.

The purpose of the mission was to meet with another intelligent species who called themselves "ishen".

Another such mission had taken place a year before, and Michael Chapman, the leader of the mission, had decided to stay on the planet with the ishen to learn their ways.

The ishen pri...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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Shit happens!

This man is walking in the dessert for days, and he's a real clean freak so he holds his bowels until he can find a bathroom.


After a few days, he comes upon a bar. Here's a chance for him to go to the bathroom. He walks in and asks the bartender, "Excuse me sir, where is your bathroom?"...

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Two souls, one thought

A man is sitting on his balcony, overseeing Paris, while getting a blowjob from a 82-year old woman.
Same time, a man is walking a rope spanning the Grand Canyon.
They have exactly the same thought...which?

Don't look down!

The Interstate to Hawaii

A guy is walking along a beach and discovers a broken bottle, from which a genie comes appears. The genie informs the guy that he can have one wish granted with the caveat of no asking for more wishes.

The guy makes his wish: “Can you build an interstate to Hawaii because I hate flying and dr...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

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Opporknockity, and a short collection of other terrible music jokes

Mr. Opporknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He got a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hour...

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