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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

Jesus got his body measurements for his crucifixion...

Call that CrossFit.

What’s Karl Marx’s favorite measurement of time?

Hours

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

Why are Sith measurements not as accurate as Jedis'?

Because a Sith deals only in absolutes.

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

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What is the unit of measurement for boobs?

Mammograms.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

What unit of measurement do Jedi use?

Imperial

Buzzfeed did a top 10 list of power measurements

You'll never believe Watt's number 6

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements?

The liter.

What is the scientific measurement for moistness?

Digits...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"...

...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.

What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

Demeter.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

He: I have a foot fetish...

She: An uncontrollable desire to return to the imperial measurement system??

I,m 6 feet 3 inches

But those two measurements are separate.

I'm 6'1"

That's two measurements.

Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what w...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!

Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

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The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

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[Long]US Navy Retirement Bonus[NSFW]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be...

Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Liters.


What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.


What is the unit of distance?

Meters.


What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty...

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

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At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

Are given cash for any measurement on their body. For every inch, they got 1,000 dollars. One says “ Measure from the tip of my middle finger on my left hand to the middle finger on my right hand.” The measurement was 48 inches so he got 48,000 dollars. The next one says “Measure from my head to my ...

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

Well my son is...

A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people ...

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.

The accountant takes out his book and calcul...

Dwarf walks into a tavern and says "Ladies, I am 4'11''

..and those are two different measurements!"

Hey ladies. I'm six foot, four inches.

Unfortunately, those are two different measurements.

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

Prom Night

Jimmy and Jessica are both seniors in high school, and prom is approaching. They've been dating for two years, and Jimmy wants to make sure that everything goes perfectly for Jessica; he really wants the night to be special and wants to pull out all the stops. Being that prom is only a month away, h...

I'm an adult, and am 5 feet 1 inches

Sounds bad, but made worse by the fact that they are two measurements.

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

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[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to pres...

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to ...

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

The Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries another straightforward ...

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Headaches

One day a man starts having terrible headaches. Everywhere he goes his head hurts, so he decides to go to the doctor to figure out the problem.

The doctor does a routine exam and can't figure out the source, so they decide to do a CAT scan and MRI. After the procedures, the doctor finds the ...

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says...

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A pygmy wants to be popular

However, among his tribe, he's nothing special. He's pretty small despite his 18 years of age, he's not particularly attractive and he's a bit shy. Then, it occurs to him. He writes a letter to the Guinness Book of World Records, claiming that he has the smallest hands of any adult in the world. He ...

A farmer wants to a have new chicken coop built...

so he decides to hire a mathematician to figure out the most efficient way to design it. The mathematician spends hours walking around the farm, taking measurements, counting chickens, making notes, and finishes his work by standing in one spot looking up at the sky for a solid hour, just thinking.<...

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So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting...

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Just takes one time...

A couple walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. Next to them is an obviously inebriated older guy just sippin' his drink staring at nothing in particular.

"You see that door over there?" He grumbles to no one in particular, "I framed that door. Did the measurements myself, put it up an...

Falklands Heroes

Three soldiers of the Falklands Conflict saved their battalion from a minefield, and their commanding officer decided to reward them. They were waiting for their CO in his office in London when he strolled in. "Well chaps, since this wasn't officially a war I can't give you any medals. So, I will me...

A businessman went to a golf club.

A businessman went to a golf club he frequented every weekend. When he tried to hire a caddy, the manager told him that they no longer had any to hire.

"Well then," said the man, "What am I supposed to do without a caddy?"

The manager politely informed him that all of the caddies had b...

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A man and his makeshift turban go to see the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?"

The man slowly unravels his makeshif turban to reveal... a fully grown phallus growing out of the middle of his forehead.

"Ahem, how long has this being going on for Sir?"

"It's been growing for around 3 months. Can you fix it Doctor? What on Ea...

A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician ....

are sitting at a café across from an empty building.

They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave.

The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements."

The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building."

The math...

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are drinking coffee...

Over the course of the day they see two people enter a building across the street and three people exit. They all seem perplexed about this occurrence. The physicist says, "There must have been some error in our measurements!" The biologist replies, "The two must have reproduced!" The mathematician ...

Chronic pain and a new suit

A man has had chronic pain his whole adult life. It started in his late teens, and it progressively got worse over the years. Finally, at the age of 60, he decides he will see a specialist and get this taken care of.

He goes to various specialists, and spends thousands of dollars, and to no...

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