What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

Harvard Bridge

The Harvard Bridge in Boston that runs to MIT is measured in "smoots," after a 1958 fraternity prank where freshman Oliver Smoot was used as a device to measure the bridge.

There are various humorous side stories, such as:

1. when the bridge was rehabbed in the 1980s, the sidewalks wer...

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

An engineer, a physicist and a statiscian go hunting in the woods.

They spot a deer and take turns shooting at it. First goes the physicist. He look at the angle, calculates the speed of the bullet and shoots but his shot goes 50 meters to the right. The engineer says he didn't count for the wind and he also makes his measurement and shots but his shot goes 50 mete...

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

Stupid one I just thought of

What’s a hitmans favorite unit of measurement? A shot

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

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