How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

A poultry farmer was distressed because his chickens stopped laying eggs.







He didn’t know what to do about it, but one of his friends, a physicist, offered to help. The physicist came out to the farm, took a bunch of measurements, and went back home to analyze the data. The physicist called the farmer on the phone and said: “Okay, I have a solution ...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

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