UPJOKE
metremeasuremetric systemgaugekilograminchmeasuringmilequantummetricstatisticssciencenumbercalculationanalysis

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers…….

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

You’re an electrical measurement, Harry

I’m a watt

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

A man walks into a museum

He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide “How old is that skeleton?”

The tour guide says “65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.”

“Wow” says the man, “How do you get such a specific measurement?”

The tour guide replies “Well it was 65 million years old when I s...

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

what was stalins favourite measurement of time?

hours

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

Bonus

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the...

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

Demeter.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.