What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

When it comes to measurement

The USA has a foot fetish.

What do you call the great grandma of measurement?

A NANometer!

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

What’s a communists favorite measurement of time?

hours.

You know there's a unit of measurement for pain?

Its called Hertz

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

What's the tastiest unit of measurement?

Milimeter (mm)

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

Hi my name is Dave I’m five feet, 11 inches

...Those are 2 different measurements!

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Stubborn in life and in death

A man known for being very stubborn was found brutally beaten and killed. After a thorough police investigation there was no clue to who the killer was.

When it came time for the funeral. Friends and family were all gathered around. His body was put in a coffin and was ready to be buried.
...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

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Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

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I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

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