Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.

When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, ...

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude

(pause)

And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.

(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)

A man is on a flight at cruising altitude when a female flight attendant comes by with a cart. She looks at him, smiles, and asks, “Would you like some headphones?”

The man responds, “Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?”

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“It’s your Attitude; not Aptitude, that decides your ALTITUDE”

A first-grade teacher, Ms Janet ( Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked,”Little Johnny what is your problem?”

Little Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in t...

Me and My friend Bet 500 dollars on who could throw a slap of beef to the greatest altitude above sea level...

The steaks have never been higher

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

[REQUEST]: Looking for Altitude Competition Flying Joke

Looking for the old joke about several pilots bragging about their flight altitudes (?), and then the last one one-upping them all.

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

What do you say to a flight attendant who's giving you sass?

Don't give me that altitude!

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon ...

A guy once said to his friend, “Planes can be submarines, yet submarines cannot be planes.”

His friend replied, “Well not with that altitude they can’t.”

"this joke about airplanes will never take off"

"well not with that altitude!"

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

I got fired for being high on the job.

Boss said he didn't like my altitude.

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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

What did the the mountain climber say to the mountain?

I'm sick of your altitude, mister!

Why was the plane grumpy?

He had a bad altitude.

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Three men are on a plane.

Three men are on a plane when the Pilot makes an emergency announcement.

"We are losing altitude fast! Throw things off of the plane so we can land safely!"

The first man throws out a cabin chair.

The second man throws out a door.

The third man throws out a grenade.
...

Why wasn't the pilot allowed to fly? (Pun)

He was grounded due to his poor altitude.

A mother is breastfeeding her baby on a plane

The captain comes on and says "we're ready for takeoff." The mother wraps her child and herself up. The plane takes off and the mother opens up and begins to breastfeed her child again. Her seatmate turns to her and says "You must have a hungry child." The mother answers "No, I just feed him to ...

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

When learning how to fly

its important to maintain a positive altitude.

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A professor, a lawyer and a priest are on a plane...

... when the pilot has a heart attack and dies, and the plane starts to lose altitude rapidly.

The professor then says "we don't have enough parachutes, give them to the children!"

The lawyer, desperate, promptly says "fuck the children!"

The priest then asks "do you think there...

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A business man gets on an airplane...

As luck would have it, he sits down next to this gorgeous blonde bombshell. As the plane is taxiing, he looks over and notices her reading a book.

The plane takes off and gets to cruising altitude, and the business man looks over and says, “My! That must be an interesting book. You haven’t t...

An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

What did the happy pebble say to the grumpy mountain?

You need an altitude change!

What goes on top of a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

A monkey that gets turned on by altitude.

My contribution to the lawyer and blonde joke.

I got dismissed from my job as a pilot.

They told me I had an altitude problem.

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

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Big Shit

On a BA flight from Delhi to London, the pilot comes over the public address system, and tells passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot...

Someone told me that I can't survive falling off a 1,000 feet building.

Not with that altitude.

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

An Irishman, an American, a Mexican and an Arab board a plane with two suitcases each

Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that the plane is rapidly losing altitude and that they must throw a suitcase each to lose weight.

The Irishman opens his suitcases: one has bombs and old IRA memorabilia inside, the other is filled with cans of Guinness for the trip. "There's t...

An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country".

...

What are three most useless things in aviation?

The runway behind you.

The altitude above you.

The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two pilots

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot,...

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Gurkhas

The Falklands War had begun. Britain was unprepared, and as she had done so many times in the past, Britain called up her toughest military unit, The Brigade Of Gurkhas. The Brigade commander was called in to Army Headquarters to be briefed on their mission.

"You will need to get your force...

[Long] A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas

A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.

The pilot says: "Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chemistry Puns

What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-slapper, wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

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Stewardess

Two days ago I was on a plane from Edmonton to Vegas. And unlucky me got the middle seat. To my right is a man who has already passed out against the window and to my left beside the isle is a nice old lady. 20 minutes into our flight the captain keys open the mic to inform us we have reached our cr...

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A British , a German, a Japanese and a Chinese man were in an airplane.

The plane that was carrying an important U.N. mission was losing altitude, so the pilot said that three of them must jump out and without a parachute since they have dumped everything else.
The British man decided to go first.
He yelled " Long live Great Britain!" And then jumped off.
The ...

Did this ever happen to you?

A plane was flying over the Pacific Ocean, filled with businessmen. Suddenly, one of the engines gave out, and the plane began to lose altitude. The flight attendant told the passengers to stay calm, it would not be a crash landing, but they would be lost in the ocean, and may never be found.
...

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Paratrooper Training

My cousin was on leave after basic training and came home to see all of the family. He was in basic training to become a paratrooper, just like his father and grandfather. The only problem was that he was deathly afraid of heights. Upon arrival we all gathered around to hear him tell us how it we...

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call sp...

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A young man had dreamed of becoming a paratrooper.

After training for months, the time had finally come for him to make his first real jump. The night before, in a panic, he called his father – who had also been a paratrooper.


“Dad” he said, “Tomorrow is my first jump and I don’t think I can do it.”


“Don’t worry,” said his fath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on an airplane..

So we take off and pilot says his spiel about cruising altitudes and things. He forgets to turn his mic off and turns to
his co-pilot and says, "Right now I could use a blow-job and a cup of coffee."

The flight attendant runs to cockpit to tell him his mic is on and I yell, " Don't forget...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the airplane:

I was on an airplane on my way from Johannesburg to Cape Town.

Just when the aircraft was at the desired altitude, the pilot turned on the radio and said. "Ladies and Gentleman, this is your pilot speaking, we are current... OH FUCK!"

There was silence for a few seconds then the pilot ...

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When a pilot forgets to turn off the PA

A pilot gets on the PA

"Hello flight 828, we've reached cruising altitude, the seatbelt sign has been turned off" etc, that kind of stuff. Then a big plop is heard, and it becomes apparent that the pilot forgot to turn of the PA. Then the pilot says to presumingly the co-pilot, "Man, I wish I...

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In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I ...

Plane Crash

A plane full of people is dropping below altitude, the pilot shouts over the tanoy "were losing speed rapidly we've dropped all the luggage but its not working, were at 100 feet and need volunteers to jump out into the sea below"

Nobody puts their hands up so he says "we'll do this as fairly ...

On a plane ride to South Africa.

A flight going from Cairo to Johannesburg was about half-way through their trip. Out of the blue, the captain made a startling announcement,

"Folks, it seems as though we are having some engine troubles. Now please remain calm, and we'll have an update in 15 minutes."

Obviously everyon...

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