The 74+ Best Miles Jokes

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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my grandmother started to run 5 miles a day at the age of 60

She's 83 now and we don't know where the fuck she is

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"

-Rodney Dangerfield

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles an hour

However, humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the 9th or 10th beer.

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

Lodger: "But you advertised that one could see for miles from this room!"

Landlady: "Well, so you can. You can see the moon through the skylight, and ain't that miles away?

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

I can see for Miles!!

Said Miles' guidedog.

What did Richard III say when the snowstorm stranded him several miles from his campsite?

Now is the winter of our distant tent

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I'm training for a marathon by running 10 miles every day in my basement.

I'll run rings around my opponents.

My friend told me that 85% of all car accidents happen within 5 miles of home.

So I moved.

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

95% of all car accidents occur within one mile of home.

So I moved two miles from my old house. Now I'm safe!

Have you had to walk 500 miles?

Were you encouraged to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation

Call the pro claimers now

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

I rode my unicycle for 10 miles today

When I got home it wouldn't stand up on it's own.

It was one tired bike

My house and a grocery store are 15 miles apart and it takes an average person to walk 1 mile per hour

Why does it take my dad more than 19 years to get to the store and back?

What’s red, does 3 flips, and goes 80 miles an hour.

The car I was in a few hours ago.

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

I got charged $50 by a taxi driver to go to a laundromat only 2 miles away

I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners

I'd like to thank the girl with no sports bra, who ran with me for the last few miles of the marathon.

Your lack of support got me through.

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

My friend just had a baby and named him Miles. I told him I'm going to call him kilometer for short.

True story.
Actually he said he was going to call him half mile. Idk who won.

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

Officer: excuse me sir, do You realise your wife fell out of your car about 5 miles back?

Man: thanks for telling me officer, I thought I had gone deaf.

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

What would Miles Morales get called if he came to Europe?

Meters Morales

22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides t...

A joke about Wehrner Von Braun I heard years ago

Apparently Wehrner Von Braun used to play truant from school a lot when he was younger to work on experiments with rockets. His mother once said to him "Wehrner, you keep missing school!" Wehrner said "Yes, but only by a few miles!"

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

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My Fitbit watch said I ran 15 miles last night...

I think it’s broken. I was just watching porn.

My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far fetched to me.

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr. Looking in his rear view mirror, he spotted a police car right behind him. He accelerated to 140 Miles/hr then 150... then 170....Suddenly he thought, I am too old for this shit. So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for th...

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

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I ran for three miles today.

Finally, I turned around and said, “Jesus lady! Take your fucking purse back!”

The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour.

And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone.

My friend Miles went to visit Europe...

When he got there, Miles had to change his name to Kilometers

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore....

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore. But the water is infested with man eating sharks. A man, steps up and says "I am a doctor at peak physical strength, I'll swim to shore and get help." He jumps into the water and is almost immediately eaten. Another man steps up and ...

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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

I ran two miles today

And the ice cream man just kept on driving, even though I was yelling at him and waving my money in the air.

My patient walks 5 miles every day

His dog's name is, 5 Miles!

My mom told me this joke:)

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