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Miles Jokes

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
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my grandmother started to run 5 miles a day at the age of 60

She's 83 now and we don't know where the fuck she is

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...
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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous
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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.
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Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...
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I named my dog 6 miles

so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.
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Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
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My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"


-Rodney Dangerfield
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What's red and green and goes 90 miles an hour?

Frogs in a blender.
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My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away

Sounds far fetched
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I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.
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I can see for Miles!!

Said Miles' guidedog.
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The Nasa Parker Solar probe will be 4 million miles away from the sun

Due to the high temperatures it will have to operate at night.
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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again
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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles an hour

However, humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the 9th or 10th beer.
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Have you had to walk 500 miles?

Were you encouraged to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation

Call the pro claimers now
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They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.
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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

Lodger: "But you advertised that one could see for miles from this room!"

Landlady: "Well, so you can. You can see the moon through the skylight, and ain't that miles away?
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blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...
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A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...
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I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour.

It might take a second for you to get it.
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There is a blind guy called Miles, what is the name of his guide dog?

Roger Daltrey.
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Where I live, I have poor cell phone coverage. I also have to drive several miles to get decent food and shopping.

The struggle is rural.
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My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.
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A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...
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There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...
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What did Richard III say when the snowstorm stranded him several miles from his campsite?

Now is the winter of our distant tent
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I'm training for a marathon by running 10 miles every day in my basement.

I'll run rings around my opponents.

My house and a grocery store are 15 miles apart and it takes an average person to walk 1 mile per hour

Why does it take my dad more than 19 years to get to the store and back?
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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

I rode my unicycle for 10 miles today

When I got home it wouldn't stand up on it's own.

It was one tired bike
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95% of all car accidents occur within one mile of home.

So I moved two miles from my old house. Now I'm safe!
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This weekend I will go for a 3 miles strategic regrouping

Used to be called "a run", but now that's 5 years in jail
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Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.
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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.
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I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.
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Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...
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What’s red, does 3 flips, and goes 80 miles an hour.

The car I was in a few hours ago.
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Last night I managed to run 5 miles

I stopped when I saw she wasn't giving up and I just decided to let the old lady have her purse back
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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere
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I ran 3 miles this morning

Finally I turned around and said, “here lady, just take your purse.”
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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

I ran 10 miles today.

Surprisingly hard when you're carrying 25 pounds of cocaine.
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What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.
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Can you imagine to drive for miles and miles on the wrong side of the road without even realizing it?

Well, I can't, but the English are supposedly very good at it.
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Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.
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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.
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Heisenberg was pulled over by a highway patrolman.

Cop: Do you know where you are?

Heisenberg: California, on a freeway.

Cop: That's right. Speed limit here is 65. Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, officer.

Cop: 95 miles per hour!

Heisenberg: Oh great. Now I don't know where I am.
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What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.
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here was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
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I ran over 10 miles today

Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog
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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...
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A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...
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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe?

1.60934 Kilometers Davis



joke courtesy of Stephen Wright
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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

How do you make sperm travel miles in a day?

Putting on the wrong socks in the morning.
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A doctor gets called to the hospital in the middle of the night

As it's an emergency, and the highway is completely empty at this time of night, he's going a little over the speed limit. Suddenly, he sees blue lights fire up behind him, and he's pulled over.

The cop approaches the car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"About five mile...

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They say sex is equivalent to running 6 miles.

By my calculations that means I can run a mile in under 4 seconds. How about that!

Shamelessly stolen from r/funny cause it made me laugh.

For sale: 1981 Delorean, low miles

It’s only driven from time to time
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A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...
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My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away..

I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me.
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I got charged $50 by a taxi driver to go to a laundromat only 2 miles away

I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners
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You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?
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I named my dog five miles to impress people

Me: Like today I walked five miles.

Guy: so why are u crying?

Me: Because today I ran over five miles.
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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes

Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???
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"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

Step 1. Play the Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)

What? I'm laozi
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After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...
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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have
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22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides t...
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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

Officer: excuse me sir, do You realise your wife fell out of your car about 5 miles back?

Man: thanks for telling me officer, I thought I had gone deaf.
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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr. Looking in his rear view mirror, he spotted a police car right behind him. He accelerated to 140 Miles/hr then 150... then 170....Suddenly he thought, I am too old for this shit. So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for th...

What would Miles Morales get called if he came to Europe?

Meters Morales
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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My Fitbit watch said I ran 15 miles last night...

I think it’s broken. I was just watching porn.

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...
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