My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive:

Wedding cake

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

I recently discovered Steam...

...where you have a library of your games you can just stop and start at ease from one intuitive screen.

It's a gamechanger.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

News: Scientists have finally discovered Dark Matter doesn't exist.

Instead, your mother's mass has been keeping our galaxy together, and prevented the stars in it from being sent out into the infinite universe.

I’ve just discovered Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother…

Broco Lee

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

Did you hear they discovered the 13th variant of the covid virus?

It's Nu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.

They just dont know what period it's from.

I discovered where they keep all the dad jokes

The dad-a-base...

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

Scientists have discovered the most important sentence to learn first in ANY language.

My friend will pay.

I have recently discovered that I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sure where to start.

I just want to get off on the right foot.

If Sloth discovered the gold in the Goonies.

He would have shouted 'AU guys!'

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Did you go to the party the archaeologists were having because they discovered the lower leg?

I heard it was the real shindig.




I'm sorry

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

Last week, I discovered a colony of black ants in my kitchen.

They live in a crack in my kitchen wall.

This kitchen is in the apartment flat I'm renting by myself.

I've counted a total of seven ants crawling out of the crack, and there's presumably one queen inside too.

I know there's a queen because just yesterday, one male ant was gone, ...

With all the new, more severe, strains of Covid being discovered..

I guess that means that the original was actually Corona light..

I discovered a new letter of the alphabet

But it's hard to type

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

I discovered the secret of randomness.

It's not what you expect

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD

They're calling it AD4K

The people who discovered oceans: We will never be thirsty again!

God: Na

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Did you hear about that fancy, new, lightweight mucus that scientists discovered?

It’s rather phlegm-buoyant!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Just discovered whiteboards

Remarkable

Celiac disease was discovered first in France

They know that bread is pain

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

A team of Swiss archaeologists discovered a new tomb in the middle of the Egyptian desert

They uncovered the tomb, and entered its dark cobweb-filled caverns. After digging and digging, they reached the center of the tomb, a burial chamber filled with treasures.

And at the center of the chamber, a sarcophagus made of pure gold. And once they opened it, they found an unnamed body, ...

Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that i...

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

How was honey discovered?

A guy thought “Gotta see what’s all that buzz about”

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

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Bill walks into a bar.

Bill walks into a bar, walks up to another man and slaps him across the face. "What was that for?" "MY WIFE CHEATED ON ME WITH YOU" The man apologies and leaves. Bill walks up to another man and slaps him. The man asks why he slapped him and bill replies with the same thing. He keeps doing this unt...

Who discovered Victoria Falls?

Whoever tripped her.

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

I've discovered the best breed of dog for fasion advice

An Irish Trendsetter

What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered

"Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits his doctor for an exam.

"Well, Mr.Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and another made of steel."

"But that's impossible." Says Mr.Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have perfectly healthy children."

"How old are your children?"
...

I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!

That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

The person who discovered the concept of time:

Last time I checked, time wasn't a thing.

I couldn't sleep camping last night...

I couldn't sleep last night in my tent because of noise. I got up and followed the sound into some nearby woods. Deep inside I discovered a clearing in the middle of which was a DJ setup with dance music blaring out with smoke and flashing lights. Behind the decks there was a huge but rather worse-...

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

I've discovered some similar thing between cars and humans.

The older they are, the more maintenance is required.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

Headline: Dead Cat Discovered on Mars

Looks like Curiosity kiiled the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

French Number Story

I’ve got a story for you, and it’s a douze-y! Onze upon a time, I was served a meal. I took a few bites and my stomach felt a little strange. I said,”What the heck is dix?” Then I discovered the culprit: “Neuf more huit for me! I am sept on that. I have six eating wheat a long time ago, because my h...

Scientists have discovered life on Venus!

I’m going to see if they want my wife back.

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary....

It runs in your genes!

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

Scientists have discovered the gene for shyness

They stated that it could have been discovered years ago, but it was found hiding behind two other genes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I discovered that my life is gay

There are too many dicks in it.

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

During lockdown I discovered that there are only 3 shops I need: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that pirates discovered sex?

They had the first mate

At my physics exam today, I was asked who discovered the black hole.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy was not the right answer.

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