Discovered Jokes - 113 Hilarious Discovered Jokes

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

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NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe

But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.

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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.

700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

A man killed his wife when he discovered her in bed with another man

When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

In what year were kangaroos discovered?

A leap year

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

Just discovered whiteboards

Remarkable

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”

Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

I bought a thesaurus but when I got home I discovered that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?

They say there was a mole among them.

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Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.

They just dont know what period it's from.

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

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How was anal sex discovered??

Wrong holeeeeeeeeeeold on...we might have something here

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

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Paleontologist discovers rare Coprolite

In archeological news, an paleontologist discovered a rare collection of Coprolite during a dig in Arizona. Coprolite is the fossilized digestive waste of a dinosaur, and its discovery indicates that they are likely to find dinosaur bones in the area, and at that depth.

Incidentally, the pal...

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America

He replied 'It wasn't me'.

The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'

He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'

One last time the teacher asked him.

And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'

The teacher had enough and called ...

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

I discovered one day that my dad drives just like his uncle taught him.

He is driving and we get to a red light and he goes right through it.

I said "didn't you see that red light?"

He said "yes I seen the red light, don't worry about them red lights. My uncle never stopped for red lights in his whole life. My uncle is the best driver in the world."
...

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

I discovered the cure for blindness.

Vitamin See

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.

Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776

\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

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When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered

It was like music to my arse

A mummy has just been discovered in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

Archaeologists believe it may be the Pharaoh Roche.

A Hungarian termite discovered the Noble Eightfold Path

They now call him the Buddhapest

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

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A doctor discovered a woman with 12 breasts.

It sounds unbelievable, dozen tit?

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy

so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said,
"Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had revenge.
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge",
and they took revenge again.

After 5 times, To...

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

TIL that Drax recently discovered a new superpower… The ability to speak to others telepathically.

“Now”, he says… “I just have to figure out how to hear them back.”

The congregation discovered the minister was having an affair with a married congregant

Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

I recently discovered Steam...

...where you have a library of your games you can just stop and start at ease from one intuitive screen.

It's a gamechanger.

I discovered where they keep all the dad jokes

The dad-a-base...

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

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Finally discovered a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb.

I drew a cock on it.

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

I recently discovered there's a big difference between a numerator and a denominator.

I also discovered, only a fraction of people will understand this.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right ...

Tomorrow I’m going to try three

How was honey discovered?

A guy thought “Gotta see what’s all that buzz about”

I discovered a new dinosaur after getting my booster shot...

The Armisaur

I’ve just discovered Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother…

Broco Lee

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

Did you hear about the new variant they’ve discovered in France?

Scientists have called it O-Macron.

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Am I wrong?

I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone.
It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self."
I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

Who discovered Victoria Falls?

Whoever tripped her.

I discovered the secret of randomness.

It's not what you expect

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

It's only a matter of time before the Pi-variant of the Coronavirus is discovered now.

We'll have come full circle then.

I confessed to my best friend that I discovered my wife sleeping with another man in our bed. I was crushed.....

"So, what did you do?" he asked. "I told them to get the heck off me and out of the bed."

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

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Did you hear that pirates discovered sex?

They had the first mate

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...

...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, pl...

I've heard someone discovered a new substance that makes people around it very serious

This is a no joking matter

The person who discovered wheat intolerance has died.

The family has requested, NO FLOURS.

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

News: Scientists have finally discovered Dark Matter doesn't exist.

Instead, your mother's mass has been keeping our galaxy together, and prevented the stars in it from being sent out into the infinite universe.

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664).

Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

If Sloth discovered the gold in the Goonies.

He would have shouted 'AU guys!'

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Scientists have discovered that some dinosaurs were homosexual in a recent discovery

Megasaurarse will be coming to a museum near you

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

Celiac disease was discovered first in France

They know that bread is pain

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

I discovered a new letter of the alphabet

But it's hard to type

Headline: Dead Cat Discovered on Mars

Looks like Curiosity kiiled the cat.

Scientists have discovered life on Venus!

I’m going to see if they want my wife back.

The man who discovered milk

What was he doing with the cow?

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

Today, I discovered what DNA stands for.

National Dyslexic Association.

I've Discovered The Secret To Being Optimistic

It's in your blood. Just gatta B+

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Scientists have discovered a new type of bees that make milk!

They have named them boobees

After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace

In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown

Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.

One turned to the other and asked - Shall we walk or take a dog?

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