My mother-in-law wouldn't stop suggesting

I buy her something 'for the bathroom' for her Christmas gift.

When she unwrapped the toaster I got her, she wasnt pleased.

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

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As my girlfriend unwrapped the condom, all eyes were on her.

She suddenly stopped and stared at me. "What the fuck?" she shouted. "You call this a birthday present?"

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A little girl goes with her dad to the barber...

... and instead of sitting in the waiting area, she sits in the floor beside the barber chair where her daddy's getting his hair cut.

She has a small purse, and while waiting she pulls out a small snack cake and unwraps it.

The barber says to her, "Little girl, you're gonna get hair a...

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

50 cent gave Eminem a Christmas gift

Eminem was taken aback and choked up as he unwrapped the beautiful hand-made Christmas sweater.

Holding back tears, he turns to 50 and asks...

G-g-g-gee, you knit?

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

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Green, pink and purple polka-dot ping pong balls

So, a few years ago, I met the owner of a multimillion dollar company, and he decided to tell me a very strange story.

The man told me that he had a son, for whom he cared about deeply, so much so that for his 15th birthday, he offered him anything he wanted in the world.

In response, ...

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he whispered.

That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.

It contained a book entitl...

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Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"The wife asked for 'bath stuff' for Christmas this year," he tells the bartender. "Don't know why she was pissed off when she unwrapped a toaster."

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

"Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says...

And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

An old man is sitting at a bus stop

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a kid walks up holding 5 Snickers bars and sits down next to him.

The old man looks over and watches as the kid unwraps and eats the first candy bar. The kid then proceeds to unwrap the next one, and eats it too. Soon, the kid has eaten all 5 Snickers...

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An anniversary story

An elderly couple is nearing their 50th wedding anniversary so the husband decides to do something to try and keep things fresh in the bedroom. After 50 years of marriage it’s not such a bad idea.

He goes down to the store and asks the shop assistant to show him a nice shear negligee. She sel...

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A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench...

...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.

The old man, watching this, says "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat."

The little boy responded, "My Grandfather lived to be 10...

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The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

...

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A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.

He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.

"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
...

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world \- nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away....

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Did you hear about the parents that auctioned off the right to name their firstborn child?

They were expecting after trying to get pregnant for a long time. But when they tried to discuss what they should name the child, it was causing all kinds of arguments. They just couldn’t come to an agreement and there was a lot of tension between them. It got to the point where the wife was staying...

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A man was complaining to his doctor how his wife ended up pregnant.

"We were always using condoms diligently, I don't get it"

Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?"

The man takes a condom out of his wallet, unwraps it and swallows it like a pill.

Doctor bursts in laugh...

Why do Mexicans like eating tamales on Christmas?

So they have something to unwrap

A family of Tortoise go on a picnic

A family of tortoise (Momma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Uncle Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their hamper and begin their journey to the park.

A week later, they get to the park and unwrap their hamper and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing. They p...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

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Turtle Picnic

Three turtles named Tom, Dick, and Harry are roommates. One day they decide to go for a picnic on Picnic Hill. So they pack up a picnic basket and set off. It takes them ten days to get there.

As they're setting up the picnic, Tom pulls out a few bottles of beer and asks Dick "did you pack t...

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US...

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, "You know, I've heard they eat dogs in America."
"I've heard the same thing," says the second.
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural c...

My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday

I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced spade.

A penguin is driving through Arizona...

A penguin is driving through Arizona in the middle of summer when smoke starts to emanate from the hood of his car. He pulls off the highway into a small town and luckily finds a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin it'll take him an hour to figure out what's wrong with his car and that if he's ...

Sandwich Shop

A man walks into a sandwich shop and begin to place his order, reading off the menu. "I'll have a 6-inch, white bread roll with mustard, mayo and...hey, what's this? 'Wildebeest?' Since when do you serve wildebeest here?"

"Oh, that's our latest addition" says the clerk. "Freshly imported from...

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.

He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.

S...

An old man attends his grandson's little league game

He buys a Coke and hotdog. He sits at the top of the bleachers and puts his Coke and hotdog down. As he is about to unwrap the hotdog he hears someone yell HEY CLARENCE!. The old man grabs his Coke and hotdog and stands. He looks around but doesn't see anyone. He sets his Coke and hotdog down and si...

A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.

The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"

The little boy looked up at the man and said "My...

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Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Valentine's Day.

Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. M...

A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings

Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

A hooker is a lot like a Christmas gift...

It's fun to unwrap, but you never know what you're gonna get.

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Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator

A woman goes to a lounge in France, where she is approached by a tall, well-dressed, dashing man.

"I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and I want to make love to you."

"Yes," the woman replies, "take me to your apartment."

At Francois' apartment, the two ...

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Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

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Little Johny and the Cop (OR: 'Tis the Season)

It's Christmas morning and Little Johny got the brand new, 10 speed bike that he's wanted for months. After the usual present unwrapping merriment, Little Johny runs outside with his bike and starts riding it around. As he rides, Little Johny passes a cop on horseback. The cop follows Little John...

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have you heard about the pessimist and the optimist at Christmas?

It's Christmas time, a father had no time to buy each of his son's a Christmas gift... So he decides to think of the quickest thing possible since it was Christmas eve. The next morning the pessimist wanders down the stairs with a blank expression while moaning, the optimist walks down the stairs wi...

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