UPJOKE

History Of Jokes

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

I'm writing a theatre script on the history of puns

It's going to be a play on words

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

I was looking up the history of past US Presidents and I realized a startling fact.

Statistically, an American President has been indicted on an average of more than two felonies.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

A book on the history of clocks has finally been released

It's about time

A Complete History of Russia (Abridged)

“And then things got worse.”

Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems

I'm heartbroken to say the least.

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

I just watched a documentary on the history of hospital gurneys

It was very moving.

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

I have just finished the entire history of lubricant

It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read.

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

A man walks up to the stage at a stand up night and tells the crowd about his long history of squatting.

After a few seconds of silence, he says “Thank you, I’ll be here all night! Don’t tell the owners though.”

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

What country had a history of procrastination?

Russia. At one point, they were all for Stalin.

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I'm writing a book on the history of tampons,

My publisher wants technical writing but I'm thinking of doing a period piece.

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

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My new doctor asked me if there was a history of stroke in my family and I told him no.

However, I told him that my wife's family were all a bunch of wankers.

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The History Of Copper Wire

Do you know how copper wire was made?

Two Jews fighting over a penny.

I just started a short book on the history of luminance.

It's a little light reading.

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I've been reading a very brief book on the history of Japanese warrior traditions.

It been heavily Samuraised.

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A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

What is the best cheese in the history of the world?

GOAT cheese

Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'nau...

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

A brief history of Ancient Greek culture

Greece before Alexander the Great: Kinda nistic.

Greece after Alexander the Great: Hella nistic.

Do you guys know the history of the holiday of 5th of May?

¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues

I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”

What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?

She grated it.

I’m making a documentary on the history of female menstruation...

It’s a period piece.

Last night I read all 800 pages of 'The History of Super-Glue'

...I just couldn't put it down!

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An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?

Climax.

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Where can you go to learn about the history of masturbation?

The “whacks” museum

As an entomologist, people are always asking me about the history of words...

It really bugs me.

A documentary about the history of the computer desktop was recently given an R rating...

Turns out every icon was a little graphic.

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I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

I accidentally ripped up my homework assignment about the history of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

What do you call a condensed version of the history of ISIS?

What do you call a condensed version of the history of ISIS?

CaliphNotes!

Americans are the best at solving Rubik’s Cube

They have a long history of sorting and separating colours

My favorite Jewish joke in the history of the world.

A young American computer expert read some books on the early Zionists who came to Israel and worked hard just to develop a bit of farm land. They gave of their sweat and toil so that there should be a fertile country for us. He was impressed with their unselfish toil and decided to immigrate to Isr...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

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A man with a long, proud family history of military service....

...returns home after his basic training. His father, a Master Sergeant, who is very keen to maintain the family tradition of excellence asks how he went.
"It was okay Dad, Sir. Hard work, but scary..."
"Scary?! This family has a long tradition of military service, we don't get scared. What wa...

There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States...

One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.

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A man is trying to join a country club with a history of racism

The head of the club says "you may have heard of our reputation, and it does affect who joins". He pulls out a revolver and says "go shoot five black people and one rabbit"

"Why do i have to shoot a rabbit?" Says the man.

"You'll fit in well here" says the head.

Throughout the history of espionage, the phrase "We have ways of making you talk."

Has yet to be used on a woman.

Girl, am I a loan offered to ppl with impeccable credit and a long history of timely payments?

Bc I have 0 interest

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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