UPJOKE
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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

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A doctor and a sex offender which live next to each other have the same house model.

After a while they both decide to sell their house. One day the sex offender comes up to the doctor and asks "hey doc, how much are you selling your house for?". "150k" anwsers the doctor. "Only 150? I am selling mine for 350k" says the sex offender. "Why are you selling it for that much, we have th...

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

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What's worse than a registered sex offender

An unregistered sex offender

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

My girlfriend was very offended when some bullies called her an airhead...

So I deflated her and put her back in the box until she gets over it.

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Why's it always so hard to get to a Sex Offender's house?

The Gaetz are closed!

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is. (Smiles was my intention sorry to anyone I offended)

People that get offended on r/jokes

You..you are the joke

An electric confession!

A woman is on trial for beating her abusive husband to death with his guitar collection.


The judge asks her "First offender?"


She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the e...

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

Told this guy that I hated his autobiography. He got very very offended.

I said, 'Look, it's nothing personal.'

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

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A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

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Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always drive slower in school zones

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What do you call a stupid religious person.

Holy shit.



(This isn't meant to offend anybody.)

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A man is sitting with his friend reading the newspaper.

He reads an article that the sex offender living in their city died in his bathtub. He reads this article out loud to his friend. Then he asks "I wonder what his last words were?"

His friend says "Hey, put down that toaster."

How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

Make a joke about brack people.

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six offender.

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Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

How do you offend a photon?

You tell it that it doesn't matter.

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NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

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Did you guys hear about that sex offender who had a fetish for bureaucracy?

He got off on a technicality...

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What's the difference between a therapist and a sex offender

The space bar

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

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Female flight

A man boards a flight from london to chicago. before they are due to leave, a voice comes over the intercom and says, on behalf of captain natalie, we hope you enjoy the flight!.

Well, the man isn't best impressed, and once in the air he calls the crew over.



he asks, " Is it t...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

What do you call someone who gropes a dinosaur?

A rex offender

A pirate walks into a bar...(long-ish)

With a huge pirate ship steering wheel on the front of his pants, he walks up to the bartender and says

"ARR, INN-KEEP! POUR ME STRONG DRINK"

The bartender agrees and pours him a short glass, acknowledging the odd appearance of the pirate but not saying anything so not to offend.
...

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

My Vietnamese friend is very particular about people pronouncing words in his language correctly, so I called him a “Pho-cist”.

He was pretty offended, and I haven’t seen him since I don’t know, Nguyen.

Woman at bar

A man walks up to an attractive woman sitting at the bar and strikes up a conversation. After a while chatting he asks the woman if she would consider sleeping with him for a million dollars. The woman without missing a beat says absolutely. The man then asks if she would sleep with him for a hundre...

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way...

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

[Offensive] How do you offend homeless people?

By telling them knock knock jokes!

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

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A man goes to see a psychologist.

He sits on the couch and says, "Doc I've been having a lot of trouble concentrating at work."

The doctor pulls out his inkblots. "What do you see when you look at this?" Holding the first inkblot up to the man's eyes, the man squints and replies, "Sex."

The doctor holds up a second ink...

How do you offend a meth user?

Play them “All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”.

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

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I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

When does a fisherman offend you the most?

When he's completely out of line

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What do you call sex offender semen?

Monster's ink.

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A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

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What are some good "hate on America" jokes from other countries? Try your best to offend me!

I want something to make me go fuck, that was good.

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

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What is a sexual offender that lurks on Reddit called?

A predditor

I used to offend people.

I am now a registered ex-offender.

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

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