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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

I've got several jokes that will offend about 35 million people in the US

Unfortunately, none of them work.

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the e...

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What's the difference between a therapist and a sex offender

The space bar

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

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Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always drive slower in school zones

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Did you guys hear about that sex offender who had a fetish for bureaucracy?

He got off on a technicality...

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What do you call a sex offending Irishman?

A grabby paddy

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.



Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

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We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

A blonde joke a friend told me sometime ago (I'm sorry if this offends you)

Three women named Katie, Rachel and Karen, our blonde protagonist, attempted to rob the local bank.

Katie explained the plan to both of them. They went through it once again and then left for the bank.

While Karen went inside the bank, Rachel waited in the driver's seat and Katie was l...

Why was 4 afraid of 5?

5 was a registered 6 offender

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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A sex offender, creep and a billionaire walk into a Manhattan bar

The bartender says
Wow Mr Epstein what'll it be.

How do you offend a photon?

You tell it that it doesn't matter.

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I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

Make a joke about brack people.

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Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

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What do you call sex offender semen?

Monster's ink.

Why doesn't anybody get offended by Irish jokes?

Because they are ALL TRUE!

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

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I'm glad we have that sex offender registry.

Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog...

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

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One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab...

A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everythi...

To all those who call people snowflakes and say they get offended too easily I’d just like to say…

Happy Holidays

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

I apologize for offending you when I called you stupid.

I thought you already knew.

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

How do you offend a meth user?

Play them “All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”.

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Guys I really need help, I think there's been a misunderstanding

Who is sex and how did I offend him?

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

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I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

I told my friend to get Lost, and he seemed quite offended.

But I thought it was a pretty good series.

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What is a fight called between an illegal immigrant and a sex offender?

Alien vs Predator

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the ...

Why was the burglar so easily offended?

He took things personally.

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Are you offended by sexual assault jokes?

\#MeToo

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What is a sexual offender that lurks on Reddit called?

A predditor

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the Nazis.

The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!! The Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The american is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood. Again the German...

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A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

[Offensive] How do you offend homeless people?

By telling them knock knock jokes!

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I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

My neighbor got offended that I used the word “puke”

But to me that’s what her cooking tasted like.

How to stop repeat offenders?

Don't re-elect them!

People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

I asked my Latino friend if Mexicans are offended by all the talk of building a wall on the southern border...

He said, "Eh... we'll get over it"

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

Why did people get offended by the extremely busy Vietnamese restaurant?

because it was a big Pho Queue to them

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There's only gonna be seven planets in the sky tonight!

"Why? There's eight planets." She said with a look that only someone truly offended can give you. Our hero and Random Girl #24 talked for hours about space, planets, and stars until they both were well aquatinted with one another. She was leaning on his shoulder and then asked again, "why'd you say ...

When does a fisherman offend you the most?

When he's completely out of line

I used to offend people.

I am now a registered ex-offender.

I think it was totally disrespectful for Joe Biden to call the President of the United States a clown.

As a clown, I'm extremely offended

Don’t be offended

Dark jokes are like clean water, not everyone gets it

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They should just let sex offenders raid Area 51...

So that way it would be a real depiction of 'Aliens vs Predators'.

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Want to hear a joke about sex offenders?

Never mind, it’s too touchy.

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

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