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Offend Jokes

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

My British friend gets offended when I call him British

Apparently, there is nothing ish about him. Says he is 100% Brit.

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until... "Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride. "It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all twisted!"

"That's what they look like!" he replies.

"Have you ever SEEN another man's junk?" the bride demands.

"Well, no - but I'm normal! This is what they look like!"

"No they don't!" sh...

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A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

Why do blind people get so offended by every joke?

It's all dark humour.

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

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What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

How many people will be offended if you tell a Mexican joke?

At least Juan...

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

A Blue Bell ice cream walks into a bar . . .

“We don’t serve your kind here!” shouts the bartender, angrily.

“But I know for a fact that you served Ben & Jerry just hours ago!” retorts the ice cream, offended.

“Yeah, but we don’t serve Sam & Ella.”

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

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A doctor and a sex offender which live next to each other have the same house model.

After a while they both decide to sell their house. One day the sex offender comes up to the doctor and asks "hey doc, how much are you selling your house for?". "150k" anwsers the doctor. "Only 150? I am selling mine for 350k" says the sex offender. "Why are you selling it for that much, we have th...

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the e...

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*

How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

Make a joke about brack people.

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

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Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

My girlfriend was very offended when some bullies called her an airhead...

So I deflated her and put her back in the box until she gets over it.

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was in the 6 offenders registry.

How do you offend a photon?

You tell it that it doesn't matter.

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always drive slower in school zones

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

Confused husband

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long s...

[Offensive] How do you offend homeless people?

By telling them knock knock jokes!

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Did you guys hear about that sex offender who had a fetish for bureaucracy?

He got off on a technicality...

What did the mathematician say that offended the non binary person

01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100

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A woman sits in a gynecologist's office

She's getting her exam done. The doctor looks up at her and says, "Uh, Mrs. Johnson? Everything looks perfect, but I've got to tell you you have an extremely large vagina."

The woman gets all pissed off, she's offended as hell. The whole way home, she's driving home thinking *'Damn doctor, he...

How do you offend a meth user?

Play them “All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”.

When does a fisherman offend you the most?

When he's completely out of line

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.

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What are some good "hate on America" jokes from other countries? Try your best to offend me!

I want something to make me go fuck, that was good.

Told this guy that I hated his autobiography. He got very very offended.

I said, 'Look, it's nothing personal.'

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

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A beautiful large-breasted woman walks into a tattoo parlor...

A beautiful large-breasted woman walks into a tattoo parlor and says she really wants a tattoo but she's short on cash, and asks if there is anything they can do to help her. The sleazy shop owner thinks it over for a moment and says, "How about this. You show me those big beautiful breasts and you ...

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

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A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

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Telling jokes is a lot like having sex

You can do it with one or more persons.

Others prefer to do it with an audience.

Some people like them dirty.

Others like them black.

Some people may choke.

And others may get offend.

But most of all... Not everyone gets it.

I used to offend people.

I am now a registered ex-offender.

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

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A sex offender, creep and a billionaire walk into a Manhattan bar

The bartender says
Wow Mr Epstein what'll it be.

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What is a sexual offender that lurks on Reddit called?

A predditor

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

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Real or fake?

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holidays and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to...

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How to offend a lot of redditors at once?

You're penis

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

Why doesn't anybody get offended by Irish jokes?

Because they are ALL TRUE!

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

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I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for ...

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Are you offended by sexual assault jokes?

\#MeToo

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Jokes about nazi concentration camps really offend me

My great grandfather died in a holocaust camp. He got really drunk and fell out of a guard tower

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I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing

Would you be offended if I said...

Would you be offended if I said that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?

...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?

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Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for putting his penis in a bowl of Coco Pops?

They said he was a cereal sex offender

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Want to hear a joke about sex offenders?

Never mind, it’s too touchy.

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

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