UPJOKE
insulttransgresstrespasshurtshockhumiliateannoyscandalizeinjureviolateappalappallpiqueoutragebreach

Offend Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.
upvote downvote report

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.
upvote downvote report

What will a snowman give you if you offend him?

The cold shoulder
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I become leader of the grammar Nazis, offenders will not be hung.

They will be hanged.

The recent widow is on trial for beating her guitar-playing husband to death. Seeing she has no record, the judge asks "first offender?"

She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...
upvote downvote report

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for ...
upvote downvote report

How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

Make a joke about brack people.
upvote downvote report

This joke is not meant to offend anyone.

For all his talk of being humble Jesus sure had a god complex.
upvote downvote report

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.
upvote downvote report

How do you offend a photon?

You tell it that it doesn't matter.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the e...
upvote downvote report

Why do blind people get so offended by every joke?

It's all dark humour.
upvote downvote report

My British friend gets offended when I call him British

Apparently, there is nothing ish about him. Says he is 100% Brit.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

&nbsp;

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation
upvote downvote report

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

How many people will be offended if you tell a Mexican joke?

At least Juan...
upvote downvote report

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered six offender
upvote downvote report

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...
upvote downvote report

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always drive slower in school zones

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a sexual offender that lurks on Reddit called?

A predditor

Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.



Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!
upvote downvote report

Why are there so many people who are offended by the stuff that Hank Hill does?

Because he sells profane accessories.
upvote downvote report

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...
upvote downvote report

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...
upvote downvote report

I used to offend people.

I am now a registered ex-offender.
upvote downvote report

[Offensive] How do you offend homeless people?

By telling them knock knock jokes!
upvote downvote report

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.
upvote downvote report

My girlfriend was very offended when some bullies called her an airhead...

So I deflated her and put her back in the box until she gets over it.
upvote downvote report

Would you be offended if I said...

Would you be offended if I said that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?

...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?
upvote downvote report

When does a fisherman offend you the most?

When he's completely out of line
upvote downvote report

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

What did the mathematician say that offended the non binary person

01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100
upvote downvote report

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex offender semen?

Monster's ink.

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and a sex offender which live next to each other have the same house model.

After a while they both decide to sell their house. One day the sex offender comes up to the doctor and asks "hey doc, how much are you selling your house for?". "150k" anwsers the doctor. "Only 150? I am selling mine for 350k" says the sex offender. "Why are you selling it for that much, we have th...

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to hear a joke about sex offenders?

Never mind, it’s too touchy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes to offend Abrahamic religions

* JESUS SAVES! HE PASSES TO GRETZKY, GRETZKY SHOOTS, GRETZKY SCORES!

* How was copper wire invented?

Two jews found the same penny


* What did the jew do when he heard clouds had silver linings?

Got his pilot's license


* Why doesn't Jesus eat skittles?
...

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.
upvote downvote report

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...
upvote downvote report

Told this guy that I hated his autobiography. He got very very offended.

I said, 'Look, it's nothing personal.'
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about that sex offender who had a fetish for bureaucracy?

He got off on a technicality...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes about nazi concentration camps really offend me

My great grandfather died in a holocaust camp. He got really drunk and fell out of a guard tower

A cabbie picks up a nun....

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".


She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as...
upvote downvote report

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to offend a lot of redditors at once?

You're penis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex offender, creep and a billionaire walk into a Manhattan bar

The bartender says
Wow Mr Epstein what'll it be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until... "Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride. "It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all twisted!"

"That's what they look like!" he replies.

"Have you ever SEEN another man's junk?" the bride demands.

"Well, no - but I'm normal! This is what they look like!"

"No they don't!" sh...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

I apologize for offending you when I called you stupid.

I thought you already knew.
upvote downvote report

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are some good "hate on America" jokes from other countries? Try your best to offend me!

I want something to make me go fuck, that was good.

Master/slave terminology was recently removed from the python programming language so as not to offend anyone.

Looks like PC’s finally won.
upvote downvote report

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

Today i offended a group of drawers

Apparently they prefer the term "artists"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information