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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

I applaud all the women who don't shave down there

That's a level of self confidence I can really get behind.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud...

That takes some guts.

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Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,

"May I ple...

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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Nakamushi! Nakamushi!

A businessman is on his first trip to Japan. To relax himself the night before his big meeting he gets a call girl. While he’s banging her she keeps on screaming

“Nakamushi! Nakamushi!” which he assumes is a complement on his sexual prowess.

The next his meeting goes well and he’s inv...

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A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day

complete waste of money! All he does is stand, applaud, and say he loves how smooth it is!

Some friends are talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.

Some friends are sitting at a table talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.

One friend points at an empty table and says, “Whoever thinks their wife is the alpha sit over there.”

Everyone, but one man goes over to the empty table and sits.

Everyone applauds, “You’re t...

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At the regular Sunday morning service

Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provid...

A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.

A bystander,...

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I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up

As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too.

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Fart contest

There was a farting contest in town.

The first contestant came in front of the microphone and played *Twinkle twinkle little star*. Applauses followed as he went down the stage.

Next, the second one played *When the saints come Marching in*. Everybody stood up to applaud this time.
...

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An old man walks into a bar

and asks for a bottle of 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of 10-year-old Scotch and figures that the man won’t be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘This Scotch is only 10 years old! I specifically asked for ...

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Four wealthy gentlemen are sitting at a lounge, discussing the pride they feel for their own sons.

The first man exclaims.. "I am very proud of my son, he started at a law firm from the bottom working as a mail boy. Through hard work and dedication, he now owns the firm! He is so rich, he bought his friend a brand new Mercedes!

The second man responds.. "That is very nice, however, my son ...

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Poetry contest

A redneck and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.

Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu

The audience appl...

The meaning of life

A philosophy professor wants to do a lasting final lecture before retiring, so he chooses to teach about the meaning of life. He gets into the classroom and puts a big empty jar on the table. He starts to fill the jar with cobble to the top and asks the class whether the jar is filled or not. They a...

A man is due to get married.

A couple of days before the wedding, his fiancee's sister calls him.
"Can you come round to my place please, I need help moving some furniture".

Ever the good brother-in-law to be, the man goes round.

Once inside, the fiancee's sister confronts him. She explains she's always found ...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!...

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Piano man

A piano blues player is hired to play in a club. He plays his first piece brilliantly to the delight of the manager and the crowd. The crowd goes wild. Everyone applauds him loudly. He is a genius. He stands up to thank the crowd and says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That piece was called 'your ...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

Reverse-order Light Bulb joke

Punch line- Five men and a cat. One guy to labor for hours on the light bulb, hoping to earn the approval of his peers. The other four to applaud the cat.

How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

EDIT- Don't upvote. Please take this, reword it, and turn it into somethi...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada...

And he's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, *stunningly* beautiful alley he's ever come across. It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love...

A man needs help doing chores around the house

So he asks around saying he needs someone to do the dishes. His friend tells him about this dog. "He's amazing! He can do all your dishes no problem." So the man takes the dog home and asks him to do the dishes. The dog does the dishes in no time at all. The man says "wow you're amazing! How good ar...

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A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator On A Leash.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!" The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, eve...

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This guy testifies about his guru

"Guruji", he says, " has reformed me completely. With his guidance and blessing I have given up smoking, gambling, eating meat, alcohol, drugs, sex with prostitutes, gay sex, killing hookers, cheating and stealing, beating my wife and kids, and raping animals!"

The guru is pleased and the au...