When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

Why do you applaud when you laugh?

Because if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

A nun walks into a bar

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the patrons saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I ple...

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made merengue...

I was surprised... I thought Australians usually boo merengue.

My kids asked why I was applauding last night.

I told them it was their mom applauding me for the terrific job I did.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

I applaud Samuel Miller, the man who invented the jackhammer.

He had a groundbreaking idea.

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When you're applauded as a wonderful lover but it turns out you don't kiss during sex.

You're all lip service without the lip service.

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

They were pretty optimistic when they named it gonorrhea.

No need to applaud.

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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

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A man stops 2 friends and I leaving a bar...

A man stopped 2 of my friends and I as we left a bar one night.

He ran up to us eagerly but quickly pulled a knife out and began threatening us.

He said “If you’re dick sizes don’t add up to 21 inches exactly, I’m going to kill you all right here”

Me, being the leader that I a...

I applaud all the women who don't shave down there

That's a level of self confidence I can really get behind.

When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud...

That takes some guts.

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights...

...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump just says it’s fixed and the rest of them sit in the dark and applaud

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There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

Three hold their speech in heaven

They were set to live in the grand inventors' area and each weekend every district held a meeting. This week it was these guys' turn. The first one goes:


"I was the inventor of the frisbee, so when I died they cremated me and turned the ashes into a frisbee!"

Everyone applauded. Th...

What animal gets applauded?

The mosquito.

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.

He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scot...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

I bought a ceiling fan yesterday

Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan...

The night before his important meeting he decides to unwind with a hooker. As he's banging away, she screams "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!" not speaking much Japanese he assumes this is a complement to his outstanding performance.

His meeting the next day goes well and he's invited to play golf wi...

The CEO and the Envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO wa...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

Little Johnny decided to prepare ahead of the next day's lesson on fractions,

so he approached his father. His partly sober dad took his time to help Johnny using all the illustrations he could lay his hand upon.

The next day, after noticing how bright and happily Johnny appeared, the teacher tried to direct some questions to him.

Teacher: "What's 1/8 + 1/8?"...

So this guy walks out of church with two black eyes! ...

He calls his parents and says “Mom, Dad! I was at church today and a woman gave me two black eyes!”
His parents, completely flabbergasted by the start of they’re son’s story ask frantically “How did you possibly get 2 black eyes in church!??”
Then the son replies “ Well the woman in the pew i...

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar (long)

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar and hears a very strange conversation.

"Hey, Joey! Your wife is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits **around the house**!"

"Oh yeah, Bobby? 37!"

Bobby cringes as the crowd yells "oooooh" and laughs.

Joey then stands up...

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.

A bystander,...

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator...

Bartender says "Sorry sir, no pets allowed..."

Guy says "But this is a well trained alligator. May i demonstrate first?"

Out of curiosity, "Sure" says the bartender.

The guy picks up his pet alligator, sets it on the bar, and the alligator slowly opens its mouth. The pet owner...

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."

The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the...

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An old man suddenly had a heart attack

He lays on the floor while bystanders gather around, some calling 911 for an ambulance.

One person shouts "Is anybody here a doctor or knows first aid?"

No one responded, only glancing at the ones around them hoping for a miracle.

Then a young man comes along, walks up to the ol...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom being afraid of their wives.

He wanted to find a man who wasn't afraid of his wife and give him public honors and lavish him with gifts so other men may follow suit.

After some brainstorming in the court the king announced to his subjects that " if a man comes forward and publically say that he is NOT AFRAID of his wife...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

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If you like to have sex while listening to music, always pick a live album

... that way you'll get applauded every 3-4 minutes

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Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

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An old man walks into a bar

and asks for a bottle of 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of 10-year-old Scotch and figures that the man won’t be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘This Scotch is only 10 years old! I specifically asked for ...

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An idiot walks into a bar

and overhears the patrons in an excited hoo-hah over which among them was the luckiest.

One among them quieted all to say, "I met a beautiful woman last night! Within hours, I took her back to my home and we did the nasty like old chums!"

The crowd applauded and agreed he was luck...

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

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A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player...

...and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had eve...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

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A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

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Fart contest

There was a farting contest in town.

The first contestant came in front of the microphone and played *Twinkle twinkle little star*. Applauses followed as he went down the stage.

Next, the second one played *When the saints come Marching in*. Everybody stood up to applaud this time.
...

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Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.

So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigat...

The meaning of life

A philosophy professor wants to do a lasting final lecture before retiring, so he chooses to teach about the meaning of life. He gets into the classroom and puts a big empty jar on the table. He starts to fill the jar with cobble to the top and asks the class whether the jar is filled or not. They a...

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the “pizza” was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of weed in it.

T...

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

Some friends are talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.

Some friends are sitting at a table talking about whose wife is the boss of the house.

One friend points at an empty table and says, “Whoever thinks their wife is the alpha sit over there.”

Everyone, but one man goes over to the empty table and sits.

Everyone applauds, “You’re t...

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

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Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!...

Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim....

A man took his dog to the movie with him...

...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really se...

Three men sit down for a drink

An American, a German and a Russian. After a few hours the three decide to brag about who can drink more. The American goes first and holds up one finger. "I can drink one bottle of vodka in one sitting". The other two applaud him as that is an impressive feat. The German goes second and holds up t...

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A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

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A man is opening up a new piano bar...

...and is auditioning pianists. It's been a long day, and he's heard dozens of of pianists play, but none of them have had that special something he's looking for. The last audition of the day comes in, sits at the piano, and starts playing the audition piece.

In short it's perfect. The piano...

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Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

Reverse-order Light Bulb joke

Punch line- Five men and a cat. One guy to labor for hours on the light bulb, hoping to earn the approval of his peers. The other four to applaud the cat.

How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

EDIT- Don't upvote. Please take this, reword it, and turn it into somethi...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

'Long' A man goes to a circus

A man goes to a circus. There is a lion there and a very busty lady. The lady puts her breast without any fear into the lions mouth. The whole audience starts applauding and the lady asks if there is anyone else who would like to do this. The whole crowd was too scared to answer, so the lady decided...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good...

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A man is on a business trip in Japan

On his first night, he decides he wants to hire a prostitute, so he goes out and finds the best he can, with his limited Japanese.

He brings her back to his hotel room, and the entire time the two of them are going at it, she is screaming "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!" He, of course, couldn'...

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A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator On A Leash.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!" The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, eve...

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Piano man

A piano blues player is hired to play in a club. He plays his first piece brilliantly to the delight of the manager and the crowd. The crowd goes wild. Everyone applauds him loudly. He is a genius. He stands up to thank the crowd and says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That piece was called 'your ...

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Unemployed musician walks into a bar...

...and asks if they need a house musician to entertain the patrons. The manager told him to go ahead and show what he's got at the piano onstage.
So the man proceeds to play one of the most wonderful original songs the folks there had ever heard. It took everyone by surprise and he got a hear...

100 year old communism joke

A nobleman had a servant who was violently opposed to capitalism and devoted most of his free time attending meetings where communistic theories were expounded and applauded.

The nobleman was tolerant because the servant was so diligent in the performance of his duties.

Suddenly the ...

There are 11 blondes...

hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.

After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice ...

A man needs help doing chores around the house

So he asks around saying he needs someone to do the dishes. His friend tells him about this dog. "He's amazing! He can do all your dishes no problem." So the man takes the dog home and asks him to do the dishes. The dog does the dishes in no time at all. The man says "wow you're amazing! How good ar...

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Horse in a bar.

A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.

The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'

The...

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[NSFW] The unbelievable Bob

A couple spend their honeymoon in a beautiful city and, during a walk, they go through a house of porno shows,
with a sign to announce:

"Today, the unbelievable Bob".

The couple decides to come in and the show begins with Bob, 39, in a bed with a blonde, a brunette and a ginger,
...

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