UPJOKE
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Why did the child cross the road?

They didn't wear a seatbelt...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

A chicken walks over to a duck standing on the side of the road. The duck is considering crossing to the other side.

“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says. “You’ll never hear the end of it.”

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

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Why did the pervert cross the road? [NSFW]

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

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What do you get when you cross a rooster with an avocado?

Cockamole

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

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my wife accused me of being a cross-dresser

so i packed up her shit and left

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What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

Q: What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

A: Banned from the petting zoo.

why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they're vegan

What do you get when you cross a volcano with a fruit?

A lavacado!

Why did James Dean cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the active shooter, and back to his patrol car.

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Why did the Russian soldier cross the river?

He didn't, but he was dying to try..

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What do you get when you cross a owl with a rooster?

A cock that stays up all night!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn’t. Anyone want some fried chicken?

What do you get when you cross a president with a potato?

A dictator.

Why did Satan cross the road.

Because he saw a group of Slayer fans approaching him.

Why did the parrot cross the road?

So he could use the cross-squawk. (Pretty sure I just made that up)

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the road had betrayed the chicken many years earlier.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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What do you get when you cross a vampire and a butterfly?

A Blooderfly

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?

Eliphino.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the dummies house.

Knock knock... Who's there?

A chicken.

My 6 year old nephew's favorite joke. Tells it every chance he gets.

Why did the chicken cross the road, has been one of the most famous & long running joke and we all wonder why.

Well, because it has legs.

When he was 10 years old, a boy went on a cross country trip with his family. (Long)

They had seen the Grand Canyon and the world’s largest ball of string and today they were going to see the man with the best memory in the world. The man was Native American, and he entertained visitors at his home in Arizona.

The boy was very intrigued but struggled with how to test the man’...

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

‘Ellifino…




(I’ll see myself out)

Why did my wife cross the road?

To go back to the same shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

What do you get when you cross the Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles?

Elton John singing a song for you.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

What do you get when you cross a bear and a lion?

eaten alive.

An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"

The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."

The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

Why’d the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

If you meet a vegan who’s into CrossFit…

What won’t they shut up about first?

what do you get when you cross a snowman and a brick?

a brrrick

A turtle is crossing the road ..

when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

A man heard about a young adult novel where Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's Dog team up for a cross-country adventure.

He goes down to the library to see if they have a copy for his daughter.

The librarian says it rings a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Did you know that Tony Stark started cross dressing?

Sometimes he goes out dressed as FE male.

- What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck ?

Milk and quackers

so today i changed a lightbulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar.

thats when i relized my lifes a joke.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why did the toad cross the road?

.
.

He wanted to prove to his friends he had guts.

Why did the chicken cross-

Nvm, a car hit it.

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

Ok guys. No jokes about Jesus on Easter...

**He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.**

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

You get a dead poodle with an 18 inch arsehole

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What do you get when you cross the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon with the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I don't know man, but lately I just keep seeing the signs and evidence everywhere I turn. *I'm fucking brilliant.*

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a computer?

Not sure.....but, when it megabytes, it megahertz.

What do you get when you cross a musician, a mathematician, and a lumberjack?

A Logarithm

What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip?

Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother.

A cross-eyed guy put a cross-eyed bird into a cage

He missed the cage and placed him outside, and the bird being cross-eye missed flying away and flew into the cage.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

Why did the rooster cross the road?

He saw a sign that said "Chicken strips for a buck"!

Q: Why did Jordan Peterson cross the road?

A: The answer isn't obvious. It's bloody serious. It's no joke, man.

How do Chinese people cross the sea?

on the censor-ship.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrrrrrrr Kelly

Why did the doctor cross the road?

Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?

Hare spray.

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

A daddy hedgehog is teaching his sons how to cross a road

He explains 'if you see a car coming, go to the middle and curl up in a ball, it will pass right over you.' He then demonstrates, walking across the road and, when a car comes, curling up into a ball and letting it pass safely over the top, and then heading to the other side.

He then tells th...

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

Why’d the Turkey cross the road?

Cause it was the chickens day off.

Thanksgiving joke.

What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Fiction

Credit to the movie The Starving Games

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Half-way

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

Why did the coconut crab cross the road?

To eat Amelia Earhart.

Why are there no bridges named after Chuck Norris?

Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scaler.

Why did the yoyo cross the road?

It was walking the dog

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A man was crossing the desert with his camel and his dog, when suddenly ..

the camel asked him "are you sure we're heading in the right direction ?"

Freaked out by the talking camel, he ran away, threw himself behind a nearby cactus. The dog freaked out too and followed his master. As he was catching his breath, the dog asked : "what did that asshole say ?"

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A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it lik...

What do you get when you cross a comedy club with a morgue?

An open Mike night.

Do you know in which country scientists have successfully crossed an otter and a human?

The otterman empire

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

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What do you get when you cross king midas and Oedipus?

Pure motherfucking gold

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

How did the chicken cross the road?

In a KFC 20 piece bucket

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