UPJOKE
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Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway.

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not..

Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove it wasn’t chicken.

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

Saw a tweeker with a cross tattoo

Must be a Crystal Methodist.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong sock on this morning

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, h...

A duck was waiting to cross the road, when a chicken came running up.

"Whatever you do, don't do it!" shouted the chicken. "You'll never hear the end of it!"

Why did Captain Hook cross the street?

To get to the second hand store.

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A boring 747.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

'ell if I know

What do you call when you cross a penguin with a katana?

An ambulance, because nobody crosses a penguin with a katana

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What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection!

What do you get when you cross a young wizarding student with a large "water horse?"

A Harrypottermus!

What do you get when you cross a small dog with a donkey?

A Jack Russell Derrière.

What happens when you cross a chicken with a turbocharger?

Fast food.

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What do you get when you cross a Turkey and a rooster

A cock gobbler!

Happy Thanksgiving

What do you get when you cross a Roman Soldier?

A crucifixion.

What do you get when you cross a rock'n'roller with a triangle of cheese spread?

DairyLea Lewis

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

What do you get if you cross an Aussie PM with a casual swim in the ocean?

A public swimming pool and a new Prime Minister.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt!

Why did the pie cross the road?

Because it was meetin' potato.

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A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

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What do you get when you cross a diaper and some cereal?

Snap, crackle poop.

(This is my 8 yr olds favorite joke and she wanted me to make sure everyone on that joke website I go to knew it.)

it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

What do you get when you cross a mafia Consigliere with a performance artist?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

What do you get when you cross a seafood restaurant with a brothel?

Fish tacos

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

Harry is dating a cross-eyed girl

He walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, Harry, you still going out with that cute cross-eyed girl?"


Harry says, "No. I found out she was seeing other guys on the side."

When nailed to the cross, Jesus did not cry out in agony.

He did, however, let out a little wine.

Why Did the mother in law cross the road?

She thought it was a boundary.

My wife caught me cross dressing.

So I packed up her clothes and left.

Two old guys are having a chat in a nursing home, when a naked old woman with a walker crosses very slowly in front of them

First guy says, "Elmer - what the hell was that?"

Second guy says, "Joe - I have no idea, but it certainly needed ironing!"

What do you get when you cross an early bird and a night owl?

Shut the f up, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night!

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...

Why don’t illegal immigrants ever cross the border in groups of three?

Because of all the No “Tres”passing signs that are posted

Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

The sign says "No trespassing"

Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate...

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

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Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."

What do you get when you cross a human with a goat?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Why did EA games management cross the road

If you wanna find out, please buy the Punchline dlc for 49.99$ or have a chance to get it from a loot box for 2.99$ each

What do you get when you cross a hippie with a ninja?

Peace and quiet.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

What do you get when you cross Matthew McConaughey and Mitch McConnell?

Alt-Right, Alt-Right, Alt-Right

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

A cross-eyed dog

A man takes his dog to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. et.c.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to put him down.' <...

What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?

Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more.

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road

It got stuck in a crack

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke

What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?

A T-Rex

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Why did the water cross the road?

Because it didn’t give a dam!


-my 5 year old daughter

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say "Hello" from the other side...



(not my fault - stole it from "Tim and Friends")

Have you heard about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it saw someone from work on a Saturday.

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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A rich man and a poor man were waiting to cross the street.

It was Christmas time and the poor man asked the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas.

The rich man told him he got her a new car, a diamond necklace and trip to Fiji.

He then asks the poor man what he got his wife.

He said “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they're vegan

What do you call a cross dressing vampire?

Dragula

I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally

But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade

Guy driving cross country

Stops in a small town for lunch.
Walks in a tiny restaurant, waitress is busy in the back, so he looks at the chalk board with daily specials.

It says: Sandwich 5 $
Handy 10$

A little confused, he calls the waitress over and asks:
Are you the one doing the hand...

Why did the Roman Army cross the road?

They were crucifying Jesus

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What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

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A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door.

While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers an...

What do you get when you cross an American with a Russian?

An investigation.

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Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

I was stopped at a traffic light, and among the pedestrians crossing was my ex.

And I thought, "I'd hit that."

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

A dirty double-crosser.

What do you get when you cross a president with a potato?

A dictator.

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Our story begins with the domestication of the red jungle fowl in South-East Asia around 6000BC and the development of paved roads in ancient Mesopotamia around 4000BC. As trade routes spread westwards, the "chickens" were brought to Europe alongside spices, then spread along trade routes by the bur...

What do you get when you cross a volcano with a fruit?

A lavacado!

Why did the turtle cross the road?

We don't know yet, he is still crossing

An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"

The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."

The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

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