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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...

So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.


The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth?

Dead in a tunnel

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows...*but the road will have its vengeance.*

An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"

The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."

The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Fiction

Credit to the movie The Starving Games

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

How did the chicken cross the road?

In a KFC 20 piece bucket

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Half-way

Why did the sperm cross the road

I put on the wrong sock today

What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrrrrrrr Kelly

What do you get when you cross Pacman with Shakira?

Waka waka waka waka waka waka....

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

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A Mexican on his bicycle crosses the border with a large sack.

The border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, it’s just grass.” The agent looks into the sack and lets him pass. The following week, the Mexican crosses the border again on his bicycle with another sack and the border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, i...

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What do you get when you cross a Potato with a Penis

A Dictator

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Y did little jimmy cross the road

Bc little jimmy didn't wear hiis seatbelt

A turkey is about to cross the road...

When suddenly the chicken appears and says, 'Don't do it man! You'll never hear the end of it'

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

To get to the other side dishes.

Because he's a vegetarian, see?

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What do you get when you cross king midas and Oedipus?

Pure motherfucking gold

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

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Why did the butt inspector cross the road?

To check out the new ass fault

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic and an atheist

Someone who doesn’t believe in dogs

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

They were almost half way across when the camel began wheezing, and hacking, and coughing up blood. Before long the camel collapsed dead underneath them. The two stood for a while in the blazing sun, and the priest finally broke the silence by saying, "You do realize sister, that it's only a matter ...

My wife caught me cross dressing today, and said it's over.

So I packed her clothes and left.

Julius Caesar famously had a quick nap before crossing the Rubicon

the rest is history

What do you get when you cross Ella Fitzgerald and Darth Vader

Elevator

Why did the farmer cross the road?

To get his chicken back.


(Credit goes to my little sister. Did this one when she was eight. She's a legend.)

Border Crossing

A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers the young man. The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags,...

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

Why did the kangaroo cross the road?

It was hopping mad!

*My 5 year old niece made this up. I don't get it. She's been repeating it and giggling the whole day. I have to pretend to understand it.*

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

- Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits.
The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries ‘It all happened so fast!’.

When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line

Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!

Here is a British joke about Americans crossing the road:

The idea of jaywalking makes me cross.

Why did the ball crossed the road?

Because the child didn't make it.

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

What do you get when you cross a frog with a pig?

A hamphibian.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?

An animal in a...
baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooood.

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Zebra Crossing.

I was in town today and saw an old lady trying to cross the road.

Everytime she stepped off the kerb a car nearly knocked her down. I shouted at her, "There's a zebra crossing down there."

She shouted back, "I hope he's having more fucking luck than I am."

Why did the bee cross its legs?

It was looking for a BP station.

I once had a girlfriend who was crossed-eyed…

…We broke up cause she was seeing someone else.

Why didnt the antivaxer cross the road?

out of breath

What do you get if you cross the king of Wakanda with a traditional Jewish baked good?

T’challah bread

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

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Hitler Goes To Heaven

Hitler gets to the gates of heaven after being murdered by Hitler, and Jesus comes to the gate.

"*I can't let you in - you're Hitler*"

"*Ach mein freund, if you let me in I will give you the Iron Cross!*". Jesus thinks for a minute and picks up the gatehouse phone to call God's office....

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross the cabbage patch doll and the pillsbury doe boy?

A ugly little bitch with a yeast infection

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

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Two nuns are driving down the street

When they get cut off by someone in traffic. The first none says "maybe he doesn't know we're nuns...sister show him your cross"

So the second nun opens the window and shouts "Oi you fucking dickhead!"

Why did the robot cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken.

(A joke from one of my mom’s kindergartners)

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

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Chickens crossing roads....

\#1)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

\-- To get to the asshole's house.



\#2)

Knock, knock

\----Who's there?

It's the chicken.

Why did the chicken not cross the road?

It wanted to nugget hit by a car.

The God of Thunder crossed the skies, astride his faithful filly.

"I'm Thor!" He cried. His horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

What do you get when you cross a gladiatorial-style tournament with children?

The Younger Games

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

What do you get if you cross a stereo and a fridge?

Very cool music.

Why did the Turkey cross the road at the cattle farm?

Because it couldn’t stan the bul

what is Jesus' favourite sport

crossfit

What do you get when you cross the Twitter community with a controversial celebrity?

Nothing. They cancel each other out.

People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

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My friend just got this new dog. I went round to see it. It's one of those crosses, half spaniel, half poodle. Real cute but not housetrained yet.

I kept stepping in cockerdoodledoo.

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

You can't cross a scalar with a vector!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I don't know, but if it wants a cracker you better give it one

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

What does a cross-eyed teacher have trouble controlling in class?

His pupils.

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

Two cats met at a river bank to cross the river. One was named One-Two-Three, the other was named Un-Deux-Trois.

Unfortunately, only One-Two-Three cat made it across. Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

2 refugees cross the border.

2 refugees cross the border. They wander in the desert, lost and running low on supplies. They continue on until a week later. Now out of supplies and really struggling, one of them stops and says, "Hey, Jose, you smell that"?

Jose sniffs the air and replies, " No, I don't smell anything"....

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

Before crossing the road, always remember to look both ways twice.

First for cars, then for cops.

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?

Because he kept trying to half the distance

What do you get if you cross Godzilla with a kangaroo

Big holes all over Australia

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

Why did the blind orphan cross the road alone?

Because he wished to see his parents on the other side.

A friend of mine broke up with his cross-eyed Girl Friend...

They just weren't seeing eye to eye, and I heard she was seeing someone on the side.

What do you get when you cross human DNA with sheep DNA?

Kicked off the farm

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list

Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide! My 5 year old told me this. I'm sure it isn't OC, but I got a chuckle.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke

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Why couldn’t the math student cross the road?

Because the fucker didn’t understand convergence.

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

A German crosses the French border...

A French customs officer stops him and asks him some questions.

'Name?'

'Baer Vitme.'

'Residence?'

'Ludwigslust.'

'Occupation?'

'Not yet, just visiting!'

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