Jesus on the cross

It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill.

Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus call...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn’t get his dick outta the chicken

Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I put on the wrong sock today

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

- Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

Why didnt the antivaxer cross the road?

out of breath

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

The God of Thunder crossed the skies, astride his faithful filly.

"I'm Thor!" He cried. His horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

What do you get when you cross the Twitter community with a controversial celebrity?

Nothing. They cancel each other out.

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

You can't cross a scalar with a vector!

What do you get when you cross a gladiatorial-style tournament with children?

The Younger Games

What does a cross-eyed teacher have trouble controlling in class?

His pupils.

What do you get if you cross a stereo and a fridge?

Very cool music.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

She caught me cross dressing and said it's over

So I packed her clothes and left

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the secondhand shop

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack!

Just a dad with some dad jokes.

What do you get when you cross a sad fruit with a sad vegetable?

A meloncauliflower.

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I don't know, but if it wants a cracker you better give it one

2 refugees cross the border.

2 refugees cross the border. They wander in the desert, lost and running low on supplies. They continue on until a week later. Now out of supplies and really struggling, one of them stops and says, "Hey, Jose, you smell that"?

Jose sniffs the air and replies, " No, I don't smell anything"....

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

Two cats met at a river bank to cross the river. One was named One-Two-Three, the other was named Un-Deux-Trois.

Unfortunately, only One-Two-Three cat made it across. Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

What do you get if you cross Godzilla with a kangaroo

Big holes all over Australia

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

A friend of mine broke up with his cross-eyed Girl Friend...

They just weren't seeing eye to eye, and I heard she was seeing someone on the side.

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it lik...

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?

Because he kept trying to half the distance

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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Why couldn’t the math student cross the road?

Because the fucker didn’t understand convergence.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Why did the blind orphan cross the road alone?

Because he wished to see his parents on the other side.

A German crosses the French border...

A French customs officer stops him and asks him some questions.

'Name?'

'Baer Vitme.'

'Residence?'

'Ludwigslust.'

'Occupation?'

'Not yet, just visiting!'

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide! My 5 year old told me this. I'm sure it isn't OC, but I got a chuckle.

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the dummy.

M: Knock knock

Y: Who's there

M: Your friend the chicken!

[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-va...

What do you get when you cross human DNA with sheep DNA?

Kicked off the farm

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke

Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list

Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A Sue Chef.

A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him.

The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.

Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France

why did the dog cross the road?

because curiosity only killed the cat, never the dog

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night thinking about Dog.

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

Why did the chicken cross the room?

It was an inside joke.

What did Jesus say after getting nailed to the cross ?

Damn it... I'm screwed.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

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Just had to stop for a donkey crossing the road.

Cool thing was he looked both ways before he crossed.

What a smart ass.

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As Jesus is hanging on the cross he calls out to St Peter

"Peter, my rock upon which I will build my church I have to tell you something"

"Yes Lord" and Peter starts to climb the cross. A Roman soldier comes by and says "You're not supposed to be up there". WHACK... cuts off one of his legs.

Peter tumbles to the ground in agony.

Jesus ...

What happens when you cross a rhinoceros with a dolphin?

You get horn-ee-ee-ee-ee

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

(Must be a nerd to get this one) Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the other... oh... never mind.



Context: a mobius strip is an object with the interesting property of only having one side.

Two friends are standing at a crosswalk waiting to cross.

One turns to the other and says "Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if you got hit by an ambulance?" The other guy scoffs. "An ambulance wouldn't be good enough for me," he says. "It'd have to be a luxury limousine!" He steps out into the street, and is promptly hit by a garbage truck.

Why did my abusive father cross the road?

Beats me

Why didn’t the caveman cross the road?

Because he was dead before roads were invented.

What do you get when you cross a tarantula and a rose

I don’t know but don’t stop to smell it.

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

It's important to remember to cross your Ts and dot your Is

because if you dot your Ts, you'll be left with double vision.

What do you get when you cross two thieves and a teacher?

Good Friday.

The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland

As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".

The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 1...

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To social distance.

(Credit to my 10 year old niece for coming up with this one.)

Why did the psychic cross the road?

How the hell should I know.? What am I, some kind of mind reader. Go ask him yourself.

What to you get when you cross a boxer with a comedian?

A punchline

What do you call a rat crossing the road?

Please answer soon I need to know

I could never believe that my father stole when he had a job as a crossing guard...

But the signs where there...

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

What do you get when you cross a chimpanzee with a rhinoceros?

A meeting with the ethics committee and swift removal of your research funding.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a horny toad?

I don’t know, but you would sure get a lot of them.

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

My sons teacher got fired for being cross eyed

She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip?

Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother

A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon

He said it was quite a fish ent.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

There wasn’t a crosswalk obviously, he wasn’t going to jaywalk

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