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What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?

A Dictator.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Why did the Sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on this morning.

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

My cross eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn’t see eye to eye.

To make matters worse, I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

What do you call a cross between a rooster and a rabbit?

A hop a doodle doo!

Courtesy of my 9yr old daughter

Did you hear about the cross dressing dinosaur?

He decided to try Sarah's tops.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.

*knock knock*

"Who's there?"

The chicken.

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell somebody else that she’s vegan

What happens when you cross a sheep with consequence?

Ramifications

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"

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Why did the Raccoon cross the road??

To say Bye Bye to his "Flat Mate"

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because you didn't fucking cook it.

\-Gordon Ramsay

Why did the toilet paper NOT cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack!

Why did the frog cross the airport runway?

To get out of the no fly zone.

Why did the vegan cross the road?

Because the grass is always greener on the other side.

Why did the Alabama native NOT cross the street?

Why cross the street when you can cross the hall?

Why can't Mexicans cross the border in threes?

No trespassing.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to KFC and watch a chicken strip.

[StarWars] What Do You Get When You Cross a Jedi and a Mannequin?

**Manakin Skywalker**

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don’t know, he got hit by a truck

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

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Why did the goose cross the road?

To go be a dick to someone else.
Geese are dicks

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What do you get when you cross a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu

Bullshit

Why did the Chicken Cross The road?

The chicken lived on one side of the street since chickhood. Curious what was on the other side of the street, he attempted many times but his mother hen would always scold him. He finally stopped trying to see what was over after he went to chicken school. He maid friends and grew a big reputation ...

Why did the politician cross the road?

Well actually he hasn’t yet, but he says he will Very soon now and he promises that when he does...

Why did EA cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.

I know because they told everyone within two minutes.

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What do you get when you cross king Midas, Medusa and Sigmund Freud?

One stone gold motherfucker.

Why did the road cross the road?

Because most civil engineers and urban planners prefer intersections over roundabouts.

Badumm tssss.

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

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Why did the dog cross the road?

Some blind asshole made him do it!

Why did the kid cross the road?

He forgot to buckle his seatbelt

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a bird?

Swine Flew

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My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over

So I packed her shit and left.

why did the monkey cross the road?

he was going bananas!

The inventor of the cross word puzzle died last night.

He will be buried tomorrow, six down and four across.

What do you get when you cross the world’s best actor with the Lorax

Keanu Leaves

What do you get when you cross a lab monkey and a bully?

I don’t know, but it’s about to beat you up after Rhesus..

Disclaimer: Took this one from r/adviceanimals

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

What do you get if you cross a mob boss, a gang leader, and a drug dealer?

Killed

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What do you get when you cross a nun and a prostitute?

Holy fuck.

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to get to the other side...



...to visit his grandma, who just recently turned 93 years old. She is very sick, and her body is slowly getting weaker each day. She took in the Chicken when he was a child, because his parents left him shortly after being born. His grand...

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What do you get when you cross poop with a mushroom?

Shit-take

What do you get when you cross irony with an oxymoron?

Rust

A legless crossdresser?

Drag Queen

The Red Cross knocked on the door...

of an elderly Bostonian, and asked if he could contribute towards the floods in Missouri. He replied he'd love to, but his garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

Why did the buzzsaw cross the road

To cut traffic.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?

Darn Tutankhamun!

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What do you get when you cross a cat with poison ivey?

An itchy pussy!

What do you get if you cross Groot with the rapper Fifty Cent?

About tree-fiddy

Did you hear why the cross eyed teacher was fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

At church I told a joke about Jesus on the cross.

Nailed it.

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

So Jesus is up on the cross, and James, his most faithful disciple. kneels at his feet, trying to comfort him in his last hours.

Soon Jesus, exhausted, says softly "James... James...."

James, trying to comfort the Lord, soothes him "I am here Lord, save your strength"

Jesus falls silent. A little later He says again, "James... James... are you there...."

"Yes, my Lord, I am here" answers James "Be still ...

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back?

Too keep his nuts dry.

Our teacher asked us what we did on our good deeds day. I said I took an old lady across the street.

"That was not very hard," he said.

"Yes it was," I replied, "she wanted to stay on her side."

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road

without having their motives questioned

Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Why did the libertarian cross the road

He didn’t. Because roads are paid with taxes and taxation is theft.

Why did the sovereign citizen cross the road?

That none of your business and I am free to travel on my way without being harassed, am I being detained?

What do vampires cross the sea in?

Blood vessels.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

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