UPJOKE
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Cross Jokes

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!
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What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.
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My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
.
.
.
.
.
"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
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Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.
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Why did the boomer cross the street?

To show how it's done.
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning



*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*

The wife caught me cross-dressing

So I packed her things and left
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What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee
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why did a child cross the road?

cause he didnt wear his seatbelt
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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

I don’t know if anyone else has had this experience, but I was today years old when I realized that this joke is actually a fairly clever double entendre. I always thought it was a dumb “of course” punchline and it never remotely occurred to me that it had to do wit...
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Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.
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What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.
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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing
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What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.
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A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
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What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.
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My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
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The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...
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What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
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What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?

A Try Sarah’s tops
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A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...
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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.
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Why'd the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*
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Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, h...
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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...
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What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth?

Dead in a tunnel
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What do you get when you cross a hippie and a ninja?

Peace and Quiet.
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What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day?

Extra Karma... I hope.
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Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?
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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway.
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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.

They took everything that wasn't nailed down.
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I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ok.. Hear me out

So the perceived 'Road' in this case is actually the trick by the government to sell more adapters to construction company. This is because the secret lizard people of the UNDERGROUND are controlling the chickens neurons and each brain cell is secretly in on the plot. Y...
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What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...
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Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
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Why do chickens in Germany cross the road?

They are just following orders
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I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
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A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...
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What do you get when you cross Superman with a kleptomaniac?

A man of steal!
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An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...
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What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?

Christianity
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong sock today.

While I'm up here on the moral highground, let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.

Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and...

Why did the cross dressing pilots career never take off?

Too much drag
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...
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Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

Because he wanted to get to the .... er ... ... never mind.
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I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.
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Why did the verbose chicken cross the road?

To transform into reality his long-anticipated dream of embarking on a risky voyage of strenuous bodily effort so that he can undergo physical displacement in three-dimensional space from one vantage point on the lengthy stretch of black asphalt to another one symmetrically adjacent to the first.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.
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What do you get if you cross a river with tap shoes? Riverdance. What do you get if you cross a river with crocs?

Eaten.
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What do you get when you cross a priest with a dressmaker?

Someone that cries "Be gown, Satin!"
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Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

My Cross-Eyed G/F

I broke up with my cross-eyes girl friend the other day because we couldn’t see eye-to-eye

Then I found out she was seeing other people on the side.
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What did the Roman say when he was nailing Jesus to the cross?

"Cross your feet, I have only one nail left".
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As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...
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Today in Hawaii: And now let's cross to our local reporter

"Thanks Doug and this morning the annual Waikiki 'Mountain-to-Sea' triathlon has been won by a handsome Norwegian competitor. He’s proved very popular with the race crowd down here on the beachfront, with his good looks and engaging personality really winning over the crowd.

Yes, it’s hard no...
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Why did the Nazi chicken cross the road?

He was following orders.

(stolen from Troy Bond)

What do you get when you cross a herbalist and a watchmaker?

A thyme keeper.
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My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.
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3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.
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what do you get when you cross a hippo and a bed?

a new bed
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I once dated a cross-eyed girl...

It didn't work out, we never saw eye to eye!
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack!!!!
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Why did Captain Hook cross the street?

To get to the second hand store.
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it wanted to die.

(Genius submission from my 5 year old son)
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I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.
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A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...
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Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.
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What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Trick question. 4/channers don't leave the house.
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why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they're vegan
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What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.
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A blind man with a seeing eye dog crosses a busy street.

The dog leads him across the street with complete disregard for the traffic. Several cars barely miss the blind man, and drivers are honking their horns at the man. The blind man finally gets to the other side of the street and a man comes up to him and exclaims,

"That's the worst seei...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...
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