UPJOKE
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me"...

The devil is surprised one day to find a habitual liar, a pervert, an idiot and a man in a wheelchair entering hell.

Still, he keeps his professional demeanor and extends a warm welcome saying, "Greetings, Representative Cawthorn. You're just in time, the daily GOP cocaine orgy is just beginning."

I threw my wife a surprise bukake party

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

Ever since I became the new produce inspector I've been visiting local grocers and supermarkets; but they're always surprised to see me.

It seems nobody expects the spinach inquisition

I took my family out for an expensive meal the other night and surprised everyone by ordering in French.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to

Unless you're in prison

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 \* 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sc...

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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It is my Wife's Birthday so I have planned a surprise for her

I am going to take her somewhere I haven't ever taken her before.




Up the arse.

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Many people are surprised I found my wife on Tinder

And so was I. What the fuck, she's trying to cheat on me?!

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

Why do harsh winters often catch people in Leicester by surprise?

Because the ice in Leicester is silent.

How do you surprise a blind man?

You leave the plunger in the toilet.

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow I had no idea this would blow up

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

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Husband comes back from the business trip early to surprise his wife

However his wife has a surprise of her own as she is busy with someine else in the bedroom. As soon as he enters the house and announces "surprise, I am home honey"

she gets scared shitless and hides the guy in wardrobe(closet?). while doing that his nuts are stuck in the door and are left ha...

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad…

Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him?

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three l...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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Surprise!

A farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”

After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. You ...

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Everyone on /r/wallstreetbets is buying uranium in the hope of getting rich, but they're in for a nasty surprise

They're expected to lose 50% of their investment over the next 700 million years.

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.

To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!

He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Inc...

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

Why don't vampires have surprise pregnancies?

They need permission to come inside

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

The poker game

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head monk calls him i...

A woman goes out of town for a couple of weeks for work.

She calls her husband after a day or two and they are just catching up. Most things have been discussed when she asks how the cat is and if he's taking care of her.

"Oh, cat died," he says.

She gets upset and, exasperated, tells him, "you can't just come out and surprise me with it li...

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

A joke I would tell when I manned the Tom Sawyer Island rafts at Disneyland

Yarr! (Cause you gotta start with a "Yarr") Watch yerselves folks! Wouldn't wanna fall into the water there! These waters are cursed! I've seen many a good swimmer sink straight down without a chance! Why, my friend Yancy looked upon the poor souls sinking down to the watery depths one by one. He tr...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

I told a woman that she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

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You may be surprised to know that I wear ladies underwear

And you may wonder why a heterosexual man would start doing such a thing.

Well, several years ago my wife was looking for something she lost in my car when she found a pair of women’s panties under the seat. She came storming into the house, panties dangling from her finger, and angrily ques...

Area 51

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base...

Redneck

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised...

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

Putin dies and reaches hell

Since he is responsible for wars the satan himself shows him around, with the option to choose his punishment. Putin and Satan go to torture chambers,

The first chamber was full of people laying on barebacks on the floor of thorns, Putin is terrified and asks to go to the next room.

T...

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

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A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody.

The child didn’t look surprised.

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A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

When I was 16, my folks tried to surprise me with a car…

They missed.

A young man is vacationing in Spain…

… when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.

The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hoste...

A boy is selling fish on a corner

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He's got a mate who has a property there, and he asks innocently, 'G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?' The Kiwi splits his sides. 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!' Still the Aussie says, 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?' The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise. 'How does he treat you?' as...

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

What do cannibals call a pregnant woman?

a kinder surprise

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

My bulimic girlfriend surprised me for my cake day

The cake jumped out of her.

Jacket

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

A truck carrying thousands of copies of “Merriam-Webster’s Thesaurus” overturned on I-91 shortly after leaving its distribution facility in Springfield, MA, spilling its cargo all over the highway.

Witnesses were aghast, astonished, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, numbed, paralyzed, rattled, shocked, startled, stunned, stupefied, and surprised.

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

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How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Repair

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the...

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Little long, but it's funny.

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and...

So this amputee hadn't told about his condition to his fiance yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "T...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

A make-up artist was surprised when people told her she wouldn’t be a good politician.

“But why?” she asked. “Isn’t it all just lip service?”

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.”

I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m looking forward to that!”

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

A Mathematician, an Economist, and an Accountant are getting trashed at a bar...

Worried that they are getting too drunk, the bartender walks up to them to ask a simple question. What's 5 + 5?

The Mathematician, surprised at such a simple question answers it's 10 and always 10 that's just math.

The bartender looks at the Economist.

The Economist thinks ab...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

A girl invites her boyfriend over.

Before he leaves, he texts her saying he'll be there in half an hour.

"I'll be thinking about you the whole time," she texts back.

He decides to dial her number on the way there, but she doesn't pick up.

He shrugs it off, thinking she might be busy. After a few minutes pass, he...

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A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

A husband wanted to surprise his wife on their anniversary by putting a little bow tie on his manhood, but got worried she wouldn't notice it after she turned out the lights.

She found it touching.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

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Kinky guys visits a prostitute and says surprise me

She removes her left eye and tell him go fuck her in the eye socket. He does and it's the best he ever had.

As he's leaving he tells her that he will certainly see her again.

She responds. OK, I'll keep an eye out for you.

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

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A man goes home after being fired from his job at a chips factory.....

Wife is surprised because the man was employee of the month for 10 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more surprised afte...

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It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

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World's Unluckiest Man

This man was so unlucky he was born with only a single ball. Where ever he goes doom is with him. He decided to live in another country and books a plane ticket for USA. Mid flight a turbulence started to occur and the Captain starts to announce that the plane is about the crash and there are only 9...

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

There a man in the Soviet Union who always complained about the constant shortages

One day the KGB went to the apartment he lived and arrested him. The occupant of the apartment knew that he was gonna die so they didn't make a fuss out of it. But after a week much to the apartment's occupant surprise, the man returned relatively unharmed except for some bruises so the occupant ask...

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I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Flasher in Park

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful day. Suddenly a man appears and flashes them.

Surprised by this sudden turn of events the first little old lady had a stroke right away. Moments later the second old lady had a stroke as well. And the poor, poor, old ...

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