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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise!!

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

I screamed “hey Siri” to my iPhone not thinking it would work but to my surprise she heard me. I had nothing to say, however, and I felt bad because...

I know I would hate it if someone turned ME on accidentally and did nothing about it.

A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.

She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.

Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

What dance move catches everyone by surprise?

The Plot Twist!

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."

That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.

You should have seen her face.

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I thought I’d surprise my new girlfriend after a recent movie talk we had. So, tonight when she came over, I had a Pornhub movie with a prostitute scenario on. She saw it, told me to never talk to her again, and stormed out.

I am starting to think she told me she likes “horror movies”...

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A man visits a friend who surprises him accompanied by a new pet monkey

His friend explains that this monkey is special, and without losing time he demonstrates why. He hits the monkey in the head, and the monkey performs a fantastic blow job. Three minutes pass, he hits the monkey again and the monkey stops. The friend starts chatting casually, ignoring the monkey. The...

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Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

I wanted to throw a surprise bukkake party for my girlfriend.

Didn't work, she saw it coming.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

Surprise!

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night. The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

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A man wakes up to a surprise blowjob

It was the last time he fell asleep with his mouth open on the subway

The best way to surprise someone is with the element of

Tungsten

Just written a depressing story about surprises

It’s a tale of WOAH!

A guy goes to Victoria's Secret to buy a babydoll... the cashier asks him if it is a surprise for his wife and he said...

it will be if she finds out!

A man boards a plane and, to his surprise, finds the pope in the seat next to him...

Shortly after takeoff, the pope opens the newspaper and starts working on the crossword puzzle. Almost immediately the pope turns to the man and says, “Execuse me, do you know a four-letter word that ends in ‘unt’ and refers to a woman?”

Just one word leapt to mind, an extremely vulgar one. T...

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My wife planned a surprise vacation

I was looking through some papers on her desk for something and saw she had booked us a vacation over my birthday. I was REALLY REALLY excited at first, but then I remembered she has really shitty hand writing and her C's look like G's.

Anyways, were going to the Cayman Islands.

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

I had a dream my family surprised me with an intervention.

It was a good wake-up call.

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Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.

Unless you're in prison.

An older man wanted to surprise his wife while she was away.

As the couple were talking about putting in a fence, they never seemed to commit and get it done. When his wife was away for a weekend getaway with a few of her friends, the husband decided to get the fence contracted out.

The contractor set the posts, and built a nice wooden panel fence in ...

I just got a Tinder Surprise.

The surprise was gonorrhea.

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Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

It's No Surprise That Saudi Arabia Is The Way It Is...

They literally live under Iraq.

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A women wants to surprise her husband so she visits a sex shop

And asks for something special for her husband. The owner says that he has a one of a kind frog that gives the best blowjobs a men can ask for.

She buys the frog and in the evening surprises her husband.
"I got you this frog as a present"
The husband is perplexed:
"Why did yo...

As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.

I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

On the morning of my sixteenth birthday, my parents decided to surprise me with a car.

But they missed.

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

Gave my girlfriend a surprise bukake party for her birthday.

It was a complete disaster. No one came.

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Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence...

...watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing. Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull fuck the black cow." The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.Johnnie says, "OK." and th...

Surprise Surprise…

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whol...

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’,
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the ...

Indian parents don't usually throw surprise parties for their kids...

But when they do, it's called an ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

"Theres an elephant in the room!" exclaimed my friend by surprise

"Don't mention it" I said

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Birthday Surprise

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love. The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications, and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with th...

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mortuary surprise

Morticians John and Steve are working late at the funeral home, preparing a few corpses for their upcoming services John runs upstairs and tells Steve " the woman I am working on has a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!" When Steve doesn't believe him John tells him "come see then" They get back ...

After I cancelled our trip to China, I told my wife I had a surprise for her...

Close you eyes... no Peking!

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My girlfriend enjoys a relationship full of mystery and surprises

That's why whenever she leaves the room I shit in one of her shoes

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A guy surprises his fiance by having her name tattooed on his penis.

In flowing script it says, "Wendy."

On their Jamaican honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his penis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"

The guy looks down at his penis and says, "No, once de wrinkl...

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. Aft...

Communism's fall shouldn't have come as a surprise

There were many red flags

I met a girl in Thailand and when we went back to her place I had an unpleasant surprise...

She was a woman.

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Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a strip club.

At the club:

Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?

Wife: How does he know you?

Chad: We play golf together!

Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?

Wife: And how does he kno...

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What's the best way to surprise your girlfriend during sex?

Give her a call.

What is a pirate's favourite element?

Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

​

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

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On the first night my girlfriend and I stayed togather overnight, we made a deal that whoever woke up first had to surprise the other with oral.

I dont understand why she was so pissed when she woke up with my Dick in her mouth.

My GF said that she likes surprises for her birthday.

So I didn’t get her anything.

Valentines Night Surprise.

My Wife was all exited when I told her that I had booked a table for Two for Valentines Night, I just hopes she likes Snooker.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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Surprise bj

I woke up to a surprise blowjob today.
I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed

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I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

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It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.

Black people have centuries of experience serving.

And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

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My wife wanted to surprise me with a morning blowjob

That's the day I found out about her strap-on

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After having not made love to the wife for months, I couldn't believe it when I woke up this Christmas morning to a surprise blowjob, that quickly turned into hot anal sex!

I really didn't enjoy it nearly as much as my cellmate, though...

Why didn't Thor invite many people to his brother's surprise party?

He wanted to keep it Loki