This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him.

"To become a good pathologist you need t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke from Norway that I've heard, as a Finn I absolutely love it.

A long time ago, there was a man named Toivonen, he had turned 18 and had to face a test about his manhood.

He got 3 challenges:
1. He must drink a bottle of hard booze in one sitting without cringing, flinching, or without a reaction in any way
2. He must shake hands with a live b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be Polite

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

Two hunters were having a chat in a bar

One of them says, "You know, I was hunting at the South Pole once and I see a big seal right within range. So I aim carefully and I take the shot and kill it. After about half an hour of walking through the nastiest blizzard, I see the biggest walrus I had ever seen in my life. I don't even aim, I j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prize fighter and the Texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but ...

Stalin went to a little meeting in a village near Moscow.

He discussed the new plan that will greatly increase the production in that region. He was in the middle of his speech when suddenly he heard someone sneeze. Stalin took that as an act of disrespect.

"Who did that?" he asked, but since people were scared, no one replied.

He looked at h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men get stranded on a desert island

After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."

The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a joke contest on the jungle

And every animal was invited to participate, the only objective was to make the turtle, King of the jungle, laugh. Whoever did that takes the throne but if the king didn't laugh, they got executed.

So first came the lion to take his throne and told the most elaborate and funny joke he could t...

Your girlfriend's so ugly

She made Stevie Wonder flinch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadistic tyrant was finally defeated and dethroned.

During his decades of reign, the tyrant had used many cruel and unusual punishments against those who had stood against him. He had people doused in boiling water, he had cut limbs off people without just cause, he had them crucified and more.

He enjoyed watching people suffer. However, his b...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a small diner, carrying a huge cat under his arm...

he puts down the cat and orders twenty hamburgers and ten bottles of beer.
He recieves the hamburgers, feeding them to the cat, which swallows them within a few minutes, then he downs all the beer, not even flinching once, puts his hand in his pocket taking out a large ammount of money and slammi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lois Lane is on an assignment in Japan.

Meanwhile Superman is flying around saving the day, he misses Lois and is feeling horny.

He flies over the Justice League headquarters and sees Wonder Woman on her back, sunbathing nude on the roof. He contemplates for a moment and decides to make his move.

As fast as a speeding bullet...

Janitor in the church

The church janitor is cleaning the large overhead ducts from the inside when he notices a nun praying by herself and decides to have some fun. With the echo and a booming voice he proclaims "your prayers will answered", but the nun doesnt even flinch. He tries again "my child, your sins are forgiv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar upset

Asks the bartender for a double shot of whiskey. Bartender pours it, and as fast as he puts I’d down the upset guys throws it on back.

He then asks for another double shot of whiskey. Bartender feels bad for the guy and says “This one is on the House.” Upset guy doesn’t flinch and downs it ag...

President Bush is sitting in a Cabinet meeting...

One of his intelligence officers enters and tells him, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President exclaims, "Oh my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is shocked. The President receives reports like this on a daily basis, and doesn't flin...

Fred got on a train

Fred got on a train. Across from where he sat down was a man who kept flinching. Eventually he asked if there was something wrong that he could help with. The man replied, "oh don't mind me, it's just a nervous tic I picked up in Afghanistan where I served for 6 months." Fred tried not to be irrita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which military branch has the biggest balls?

One day, a general from each branch of the Armed Forces are sitting around arguing about which branch has the biggest balls. They decide to each try to prove that their branch has the biggest balls, so up steps the marine general who calls over a marine. "Marine, I want you to stand at attention in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man walks into a pub he's never been before...

As he walks up to the bartender he sees a big jar full of 50 dollar buck bills. Wondering what the story behind it might be he asks the bartender:" Mate, what's that jar for and why does it have so much money in it."

"Well", the bartender replies with a smile "it's a challenge bet, which is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq...

After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking.

"That's friendly of him." The first says.

"Yeah, normally marines are assho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

New cowboy boots

Fred bought himself a new pair of cowboy boots that he had always wanted. He left them on after trying them on at the store. Upon arriving home, he walked in and said to Bertha "notice anything different".

"nope"

Frustrated, Fred left the room and stripped down, leaving on nothing but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.

3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.

Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men walking through a forest are ambushed by tribals...

...and are taken to the Chief. The Chief says, "I will set you free if you can bring me an offering of a fruit of your choice. Take your time roaming the forest, but be warned that you will be tracked - make any attempt to escape and you will be killed on the spot."

The three men set off, in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calculus

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how mu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.

He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, s...

A mountain man went to the dentist.

The dentist said "You've got a really badly infected tooth that I'm going to have to pull. I'll give you a shot and when you're numb I'll pull the tooth."

The mountain man replied "Don't worry about the shot, I can take the pain. Just pull it outa there."

So the dentist dug and tugge...

One I found this one here a while ago:

In a far a way land, there was a monastery where an angellic sounding choir would perform on a yearly basis.

One day, a young man was recruited by this choir. His beautuful tenor voice made all who herd it stop in amazement.

One thing you should know about this land is that music has m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three teenagers are lost in the woods...

They are very cold, hungry and thirsty. After wandering for several days, they stumble upon a small farm house in the middle of the forest. It has a small shack to the side, fit for animals such as pigs and horses. After discussing with each other for a bit, the hope of food and a warm place to slee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

drill sergeant

There once was a private in the army who was in the middle of a training drill for stealth and disguise. He was all painted like a tree and blended in perfectly. The drill sergeant was walking through the forest trying to find this private, when all of a sudden the private flinched. The drill sergea...

Ordinary Differential Humor

A bunch of continuous functions were hanging out at a bar, having a few drinks and having fun. The door swings opened and the differential operator walked in. All the functions started scrambling and ran out the door except one lonely function.

The differential operator ran up to him and yel...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.