Why didnt the antivaxer cross the road?

out of breath

there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt?

10

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

Two friends in a pub one says:

"Hello John hows your brother Brian?"

"He died Alf"

"Oh that is terrible how did he die?"

"Well he was driving his car and he slammed on the brakes with such force he got catapulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window and landed on the bed"

"Oh that...

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

Why didnt 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2²

A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didnt! Can't!

"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"

So a horse decided to gallop the deserts.

He galloped three days and reached a brothel. Asked the host for a meal and to wake him up in the morning with a bucket of water.

The morning came and the host had to wake him up. He didnt have much available water so he used white paint. He poured the white paint over the house and woke h...

why didnt the fat kid go trick or treating?

he was afraid he would get some snickers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didnt even get the roarin part like in the past

we just went straight to the depression

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

A hunter on vacation

He had travelled far from the city and into the country side, and payed a man to hunt deer on his grounds. After many hours he saw the biggest deer he had ever seen, just on the boundary to the neighbouring farm.

He decided to shoot and he hit the deer. However it staggered onto the neighbour...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother

So we let her live

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

poor teacher

A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.

The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"

Everyone went back to their seats except for one.

"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,

"No, but i didnt want you to be...

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

After the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft, this team's fans didnt think things could possibly get any worse...

...And here's the kicker...

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear ...

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A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

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A man lying in bed didnt know if he had to poop or pass gas

So he took a shart in the dark

Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

I asked my teacher if I would get scolded for something I didnt do

She said no

so I told her I didn't do my homework

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A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.

She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "

Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, makin...

A dsylexic man walks into a bra

Read it again if you didnt get it

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were walking in the woods...

They didnt like each other so much and were arguing the entire time until they found a magic frog.

The frog was surprised. \`No one ever found me before\` said the frog. \`As is, I now have to grant you three wishes each\`

Both the bear and the rabbit were delighted, and quickly stoppe...

Why didnt Einstein ever go on a date?

Because to him-everything was relative!

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?

because it had no BODY to go with!

Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

Because he was to far out man

Scaredy Cat-tle

Why did the horse get extremely mad when classified as a bovine by mistake?


He didnt wanna be known as a cow word

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

I didnt vaccinate my 9 kids

He turned out fine.

Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in a crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once I didnt masturbate for 11 years straight

Then i turned 12

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW:If God didnt intend for man to eat pussy

He wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco.

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

you know why i didnt go to the bratwurst festival this year?

it was a sausage fest

I had to put my cat down today

He didnt like being picked up so decided put him on the ground

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didnt hitler drive with taxis?

Because he was a ubermensch.

I didnt like my beard at first but

it has really been growing on me.

My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making

I think I should aim for a younger audience.

One day, a bus driver woke up late and didnt have time for breakfast.

Nor did he have time to pack lunch.

And, that was the day he was to drive a bus full of elderly to a rural town. Many miles from any form of takeaway food places.

As it grew later in the day he grew hungrier and hungrier. Lunch time came and went and he was starving.

A little...

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

Cause he's dead.

When they put a computer at the wheel of a car, why didnt it work ?

They needed to install a driver

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

Tragedy at the Guiness brewery

Paddy O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.

She is devastated and finally manages to sob...please tell me he went quickly and didnt suf...

My skydiving parachute and backup didnt open but somehow I lived

long enough to post this

So an African pastor is heading to his church Sunday morning

So as he's walking through the jungle he hears growling. He turns around and sees a lion. He starts running and running until he gives up and gets on his knees and starts praying: God please dont let this lion eat me.

The pastor stops praying because he couldn't hear the lion anymore. He tur...

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Tried it in /funny, didnt work there so now Im trying it here :) Best joke I know

First off, sorry for the shitty english, not a native...
A guy have just been invited to his girlfriend for dinner and sleepover for the first time. Since theyve never done "it" he got really excited and thought that this would be the day he lost his virginity. So the day before the dinner he goe...

I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.

(Stolen from BJ Novak)

My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard

I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p

I went to the confidence store because I didnt have any confidence. So they gave me some confidence for $2500.

But I think they tricked me.

So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago....

I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss calls an employee who didnt show..

Employee picks up the phone and the boss said "Get your ass to work!". Employee said "I cant boss I got anal glaucoma" boss replied with "What the hell is that". Guy said "Dont see my ass coming into work today".

My sister didnt think I could make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pastah'

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

Why didnt the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe

Why didnt Barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box

i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.

I was in a world of my own

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

My girlfriend asked me to buy her polish remover

I didnt know which one is the best, so i called my german friend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didnt know what to wear to my first meeting of the premature ejaculation society....

...so i came in my pants.

Why couldn't the pepper do archery?

Because he didnt habenero.

Why didnt Jesus become a boxer?

Crosses killed him.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

My parents didnt take me seriously when i came out

It was because i couldn't keep a straight face

So I dated a furry once

I didnt know he was a furry at the time.

After a while, he showed me his true collars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him

until my other dad comfirmed it

Being punctual

Alex, David and Steve want to visit a zoo the next day, so they decided to meet at David home first, who is quite forgetful.

Alex arrives first at Davids home and together they wait for Steve. They decided to call Steve: "Hey, where are you?", Steve replies that he soons get up from bed and ...

What’s the difference between me and covid?

My dad didnt beat covid.

At first I didnt really like my new hairstyle...

...but then I realised that it kinda grew on me.

What do the kardashians and the egyptians have in common?

They didnt know their daddies would becomes mummies

My friend said i couldnt hit the broadside of a barn.

I didnt mean to hit the dog!

In the court:

The judge:” So is it true you saw your brother beat his mother in law?”

“Yes, sir”

“Then why didnt you try to help?”

“I could see he could handle her himself”

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

Heard on Haight St. the other day: Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

Cause he was just too far out, man.

Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?

He was being SHELLFISH

I didnt believe my grandfather got fired from his job as a Crossing guard for theft...

But when i got home the signs were there

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