One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

I have developed an irrational fear of elevators

Thankfully, I can take steps to avoid them.

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

I have developed a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realization.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

Einstein developed a theory about space...

And it was about time too.

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

I developed a new crunchy snack made out of duck bills.

I call them Quackers.

Did you hear that New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID?

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River. That stuff can kill anything.

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I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Just developed an app that let's me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.

I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me So I booted up my pc and got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarise ev...

Once I had developed my IQ

my life changed 360 degrees

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

They developed a new yogurt for people who don't move around very much.

It's called Inactivia.

After a Coronavirus vaccine is developed

anti-vax people would need to make a very interesting choice

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

Scientists have developed a new type of diode that reverses it's flow after around 66 years...

They are calling it the Jenner Diode!

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I've developed a device that absorbs nutrients and water from biomass.

It'll be on the market soon, but for now it's still in testin'.

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

A new strain of Corona have developed...

Its basically the same, but wiser

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

I have developed a high tech algorithm to tell if a girl likes me

1. No

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

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iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

Scientists have developed a vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers won't get it.

I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share

Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

I've developed a new method of excercise that strengthens your fetishes rather than your body.

It's good in concept, but I haven't worked out there kinks yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've recently developed an addiction to Viagra...

It's been the hardest 3 weeks of my life.

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

My girlfriend recently developed a lazy eye.

I think she started seeing people on the side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. I’m very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend I’ve developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

I've developed a new fetish for numbers and math...

I'm constantly doing it in my mind

The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

I've developed a craving for strong female characters that I can't seem to knock. That's right...

I'm addicted to heroine.

I've developed a simplified version of the popular card game "Go Fish"...

It's called, "No".

The Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passenger...

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

Isis have developed

isis have developed an explosive prayer mat they are selling like hot cakes.prophets are going through the roof

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

French Intelligence agencies are pleased to announce today that they have developed very sophisticated Yves-dropping techniques.

Unfortunately, Yves did not survive the fall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I informed myself about cock fights, and developed a thought on it

It's not for pussies

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

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