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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, t...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

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Two Croats and a Serb get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Serb having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Croats says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Serb interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down, we're bro...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

What does Earth get on Earth day ?

A birthday quake !

Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark!

Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

How do trees get on the internet?

They log on.

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

Remember when some guy put a bomb in his shoe and tried to get on an airplane?

Now we all have to remove our shoes just to get past security and get on a flight. I wish that had been a woman with a bomb in her bra.

I had to get on the ladder to change a lightbulb in the garage this afternoon.

You could say it was the high light of my day.

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

What does a Polish woman get on her wedding night that is LONG and HARD?

A new last name

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Two Arab guys get on a plane

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No pr...

Why did the egg get on Tinder?

It wanted to get laid.

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

What kind of cake do you get on Sesame Street?

A Bert-day cake!

What do Canadians get on their report card

Staight EH'S

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

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"What would you like me to get on my gravestone when I die?" I asked my wife.

She said, "Bird shit."

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I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

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Why does Melania get on top?

Because Donald is only capable of fucking up.

A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...

Why couldn't the toadstool get on the bus?

There wasn't mushroom.

What did the average University of Alabama student get on their SAT test?

Drool

I'm nervous whenever I get on the plane.

This one flight was particularly bad and full of turbulence. With my stomach bouncing up and down, I started to feel queasy, so I started reading the newspaper to distract me. However, the inevitable happened and I ending up with my breakfast all over the Times. The flight attendant stopped by and I...

An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man dropped a knife off the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man. <...

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"So there's a man in an elevator, and as the doors are closing, he sees this young, fine looking lady hurriedly make her way to the elevator too, so he stops the doors and lets her get on.

'Where are you headed?' he asks, standing by the buttons.

'Oh, I'm going to the clinic on the fourth floor,' the lady says, 'I'm going to go donate some eggs and make a quick hundred dollars.'

At this, the man starts to chuckle.

'What's so funny?'

'Well, it's just that I'...

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What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

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Two Arabs get on a plane

One sat by the window and the other sat in the middle. Just before take off a Jewish fellow comes up and takes the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He takes off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just getting settled in when one of the Arabs said "I think I'll get a coke" the Jewish guy says "No probl...

What did Tommy Wiseau get on his exam?

High mark.

What does corn use to get on the internet?

The cobweb.

3 rich men get on a plane.

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican.
They decide to each throw something off the plane over their country to represent how they feel about their country.

The Canadian walks up and throws a silver bar off the plane. The others ask "Why did you do that?" To which the Canadian replies "Be...

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

Two hicks get on a plane from Saskatoon to Miami

About one hour into the flight there's an announcement made by the pilot "Hello this is your pilot speaking, 1 of our 4 engines failed, no need to panic, we're going to have a delay." After another hour a second announcement is made "Hello, another one of our four engines has failed, again, no need ...

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Why don't black people get on cruise ships?

They're not falling for that again.

Did you know that when they were building the Ark, they had to put a perimeter around it so that only two animals could get on at a time?

Noah fence.

Why didn't your mom want to get on the airplane.

She once heard pigs can't fly and an elephant never forgets

What grade did the NASA employee get on their exam?

A T-minus

How to get on the front page

Not like this.

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I recently read in the news that bad drivers were going to get on the spot $100 fines

That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

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Four Engineering Professors get on a plane..

Four Engineering Professors get on a plane to go to a conference. Before take off the pilot goes up to each one of the Professors.

Pilot to Professor 1: "Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane." Professor 1 quickly exits the plane.
Pilot to Professor 2: "Hey, j...

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