I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes.

I just can’t see them taking off.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

As a lad I never understood threesome.

Why would I want to disappoint 2 ladies at the same time.

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I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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I’ve never understood the difference between butter and ghee.

Perhaps someone could clarify.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I never understood people who have the confederate flag and the american flag bumper stickers.

It seems like a bad relationship. It's like, "this one is to commemorate my love for Steve! And this one is to commemorate the time I tried to escape from Steve...."


Credit goes to Neal Brennan

I’ve never really understood how jokes work

So one day I told my friends I was going to be doing some comedy. I even got a bouncer and rolled out a red carpet for this big event. I texted everyone I knew. I was so excited for it. However, when my friends showed up and saw me standing at the end of the carpet with boxing gloves on, they turned...

I've never understood the concept of bullying

Why are YOU mad that I'M ugly?

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

The English language can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

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Back in high school I made friends with this girl that had lost her legs. I never understood why people didn't talk to her. Since I was a close friend, she had invited me to a party with other girls without legs.

That place was crawling with pussy.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

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Iv never really understood the point of lapdancing...

I mean, if I wanted someone to sexually frustrate me and take all my money then I'd just stay at home with the wife!

I’ve never understood when someone sticks out their index finger

What’s the point?

My Chinese friend from Wuhan emailed us a joke about how Covid-19 began, but nobody understood.

I guess you had to be there to get it.

I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and ...

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

I once told a joke about jumping onto a trampoline and nobody understood it.

I was pretty devastated, but it’s ok. I’ll bounce back.

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

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You know, I never understood why Obama had to give his speeches behind bulletproof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I highly doubt he's going to shoot anyone.

My friend never understood the coronavirus

But now he got it.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

I have never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I never quite understood why so many people don’t get along with vegans.

I never had a beef with one.

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Husband hired a hitman.....

Ok it's my first time be gentle I heard this one when I was young and never understood till I was older.

A husband finds out his wife is cheating so he hires a hitman. The hitman lays out his price 5gs for both. The husband request he shoots the wife in the head and the guy she is with to sho...

I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

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I never understood why people watch porn.

Beats meet...

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

What did the hydroxide ion say when it suddenly understood its purpose in life?

OH-

There was this teacher, not a bad teacher, but for some reason the students never really understood her. What was the name of the teacher?

Miss Communication

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A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor.

He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was single, didn’t think she was too bad looking, but coul...

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

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I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

As a college girl, I never understood the whole Sorority thing

It's all Greek to me

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

For the first time ever I understood what all the fuss was about 80s music

It was an Aha moment

I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity.

It was about time.

I never really understood #notallmen.

Don't women usually like tall men?

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

What's the least understood topic in the world?

Planes
They go over your head fast.

I once met a man who’s name was Professor Palindrome

It wasn’t until he told me his real name that I understood the meaning. His real name was Professor Ross Eforp.

I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

I never understood the term "cash cow"..

Sounds like utter non-cents to me.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest when they were caught by the forest tribe.

All of them were brought before the chief. The chief looked at them and said “All of you will be sacrificed to appease our goddess who will then bless us with rain.”

The 4 blondes started crying loudly and ple...

I never understood why white people can’t say the n-word

I mean we’re the ones who invented it after all

As a young man, I never really understood insanity.

Until I got married.

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

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One of my favorite jokes

One day, a woman, pregnant with triplets, had some business to do in the bank. Tough luck, 3 minutes into her conversation with an assistant, an armed robber barges into the bank. He was quickly apprehended, but he managed to fire three shots. Unfortunately, all of them hit her right in the belly....

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

Dad's joke: What kind of bee can never be understood?

A mumble-bee

I asked my ex if she understood why she was so odd.

She said she can't even.

I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

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I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

I never understood the concept of lunch money

It doesn't taste any different than regular money.

I thought I understood the meaning of when pigs fly,

But then the swine flu

I'm full of problems, I wish people understood me.

Said *the math book*

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

I have never understood why living in the poor part of town...

...makes your skin darker.

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I never understood why soldiers hate digging latrines.

It's not a piss-poor assignment.

An Entertaining Movie

A man was at a movie theater but couldn't take his eyes off a woman and her dog in front of him. He noticed the dog seemed to understand what was happening in the movie. The dog would laugh at the funny parts, hide his eyes with his paws at the scary parts and started crying at the sad ending.
<...

I've never understood why people climb up mountains in the early hours of the day...

...and then it dawned on me...

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

I never understood why being called an Einstein is bad.

It's only relatively insulting.

I never understood what was so good about having a threesome...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I could just go have dinner with my parents.

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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I never understood why it was called Lukewarm

Like, why not medium-warm ? Who the fuck is Luke ?

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

A joke my Uncle told me that I never understood when I was a child.

Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after she finishes brushing her hair?

A: She pulls her pants up

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?...

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A Russian lady married an English gentleman and they lived in London .

She was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked l...

What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages.

Please tell us what languages they are in.

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

I've never understood picky eaters...

you won't eat a tomato but you'll put someones unwashed genitals in your mouth.

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Big Chief No Shit

Once there was a tribe that lived in the depths of the jungles. Their chief was suffering from constipation. A few members of the tribe went to the city to see the doctor. Knowing very little English, they said to the doctor -
“Doctor! Big Chief no shit”
The doctor understood that the chief w...

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Three Jews are in a Nazi concentration camp

The Nazi officer approaches the first Jew and asks him, "How high can you jump?"

"One metre" he replies.

"Not bad", says the Nazi officer and gives him some bread and water.

He then asks the second Jew the same question. The second Jew says he can jump two metres high.

"V...

I was asked in a job interview how well I understood theoretical physics.

I told them "I have a theoretical degree in physics.

"Galactic Central, this is Captain Zod reporting in"

"*Captain Zod, this is Galactic Central. Please make your report.*"

"Galactic Central, we successfully reached Planet Earth and have completed our survey."

"*Captain Zod, understood. What did you find*?"

"Galactic Central, we found a large number of orbital nuclear weapons aroun...

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I never understood when my wife said I'm like an Olympian in bed.

How the fuck do I come third?

I've never understood why new pencils come unsharpened...

Seems pretty pointless to me.

I've finally understood the meaning of "politics"

It's derived from "poly", the Greek word for "many", and "tics", a blood sucking parasite.

I've never understood why there's Burger King but no Borscht Czar

After all, people who eat fast food are in a hurry... they're always Russian around everywhere.

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