I have never understood why women love cats

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Since my work is reliant on it i might be biased, but i never understood why people say wind power is ineffective

Honestly i'm a big fan

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

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I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

What did the hydroxide ion say when it suddenly understood its purpose in life?

OH-

I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes.

I just can’t see them taking off.

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I never understood how Ty Lee joined the Kyoshi warriors at the end of Avatar.

That's like if the United States hired Nazi rocket scientists to work on our space program after WW2 ended.

I've never really understood Psychology

It's just mental

As a lad I never understood threesome.

Why would I want to disappoint 2 ladies at the same time.

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

The spirit in the bottle.

A lady walks into Walmart. She bumps into a bottle on a shelf, it falls down and a spirit comes out. Ahh that was good said the spirit. As a thank\`s for helping me out of this bottle, I want to give you one wish that comes true. The lady is a little confused, thinks a little and says, I have a wish...

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.

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I’ve never understood the difference between butter and ghee.

Perhaps someone could clarify.

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Sooo, are you....?

An elephant meets a boa for the first time. Intrigued, he asks him:

\- You're a weird creature ... how do you move? You have no legs.

\- Well, it's simple, I'm crawling…

\- Oh, Okay!

The elephant start to move, but, even more intrigued, he turns and asks again:

\- ...

I never understood people who have the confederate flag and the american flag bumper stickers.

It seems like a bad relationship. It's like, "this one is to commemorate my love for Steve! And this one is to commemorate the time I tried to escape from Steve...."


Credit goes to Neal Brennan

I've never understood the concept of bullying

Why are YOU mad that I'M ugly?

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

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Back in high school I made friends with this girl that had lost her legs. I never understood why people didn't talk to her. Since I was a close friend, she had invited me to a party with other girls without legs.

That place was crawling with pussy.

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby.

Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.

When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.

Johnnys dad also told him t...

I never understood how diabetes runs in my family

No one runs in my family...

I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and ...

Misunderstood...

3 people (one is stuttering) decided to go on a fishing trip in a yacht.

They were in the sea for over 3 hours and were having a good time, when suddenly a ship was arriving at high speed with intetion of stoping.

The stutterer noticed it was trying to warn the others but was stuck...

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they are aimed at an younger audience

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

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Iv never really understood the point of lapdancing...

I mean, if I wanted someone to sexually frustrate me and take all my money then I'd just stay at home with the wife!

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

My Chinese friend from Wuhan emailed us a joke about how Covid-19 began, but nobody understood.

I guess you had to be there to get it.

I’ve never understood when someone sticks out their index finger

What’s the point?

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

I never quite understood why so many people don’t get along with vegans.

I never had a beef with one.

My friend never understood the coronavirus

But now he got it.

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You know, I never understood why Obama had to give his speeches behind bulletproof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I highly doubt he's going to shoot anyone.

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

Magician and Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every ...

I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

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I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

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A man drives into a traffic stop by the police...

As soon as he stops a police officer is walking up to the man's car and asks him to roll down the window.
Police Officer: Good evening Sir! May I see your driver's license and registration?
The Man: Yes sure Officer.
As the man hands over his papers he asks the Officer:
Why are you ch...

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I never understood why people watch porn.

Beats meet...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

There was this teacher, not a bad teacher, but for some reason the students never really understood her. What was the name of the teacher?

Miss Communication

As a college girl, I never understood the whole Sorority thing

It's all Greek to me

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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity.

It was about time.

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

For the first time ever I understood what all the fuss was about 80s music

It was an Aha moment

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

I never really understood #notallmen.

Don't women usually like tall men?

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

I never understood the term "cash cow"..

Sounds like utter non-cents to me.

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

What's the least understood topic in the world?

Planes
They go over your head fast.

I never understood why white people can’t say the n-word

I mean we’re the ones who invented it after all

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

Dad's joke: What kind of bee can never be understood?

A mumble-bee

I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

As a young man, I never really understood insanity.

Until I got married.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

I have never understood why living in the poor part of town...

...makes your skin darker.

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I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

I asked my ex if she understood why she was so odd.

She said she can't even.

Upside to masks

The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the "Charlie Brown" specials and understood everything the teacher said.

I never understood the concept of lunch money

It doesn't taste any different than regular money.

I thought I understood the meaning of when pigs fly,

But then the swine flu

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

I never understood why being called an Einstein is bad.

It's only relatively insulting.

I never understood what was so good about having a threesome...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I could just go have dinner with my parents.

I've never understood why people climb up mountains in the early hours of the day...

...and then it dawned on me...

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I never understood why soldiers hate digging latrines.

It's not a piss-poor assignment.

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I never understood why it was called Lukewarm

Like, why not medium-warm ? Who the fuck is Luke ?

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The Parrot at Church

There is a small church in a small community here in my hometown. It is full of all sorts of people. This one lady brought a parrot to church. This was not an ordinary parrot. The parrot was foul mouthed and swore a lot. One day, the preacher told the lady, “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to s...

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, “Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar?” “Well... it was rather dark,” I replied.

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages.

Please tell us what languages they are in.

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When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics"

I never understood why bird watching was wrong

I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

A joke my Uncle told me that I never understood when I was a child.

Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after she finishes brushing her hair?

A: She pulls her pants up

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?...

I've never understood picky eaters...

you won't eat a tomato but you'll put someones unwashed genitals in your mouth.

I've never understood why new pencils come unsharpened...

Seems pretty pointless to me.

English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Yeah you red it rite.

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

I was asked in a job interview how well I understood theoretical physics.

I told them "I have a theoretical degree in physics.

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There was a school where every morning...

... when the teachers entered the classrooms, at 8:00 sharp, they would say "Good morning! " and all the kids, in one voice answered "GOOD MORNING!".

Next to the school was a retirement home and the school's morning routine started to annoy the residents. Few old people got together, went to ...

I've finally understood the meaning of "politics"

It's derived from "poly", the Greek word for "many", and "tics", a blood sucking parasite.

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I never understood when my wife said I'm like an Olympian in bed.

How the fuck do I come third?

I've never understood why there's Burger King but no Borscht Czar

After all, people who eat fast food are in a hurry... they're always Russian around everywhere.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

my girlfriend told me that i never understand what she's trying to say and that i'm dense.. i understood perfectly

and i explained to her that i can't be that dense since i am ~70% water

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

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First word I learnt in the Japanese language

Do you know what the funny thing is? People say you can't learn any Japanese from anime or any other form of film/movie from Japan. But just yesterday I recognised one word and that word was "Pervert." That was the first time I understood a single word in the Japanese language. Really shows a lot ab...

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Husband hired a hitman.....

Ok it's my first time be gentle I heard this one when I was young and never understood till I was older.

A husband finds out his wife is cheating so he hires a hitman. The hitman lays out his price 5gs for both. The husband request he shoots the wife in the head and the guy she is with to sho...

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