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Defend Jokes

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done
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When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
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How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.
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A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...
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Will Smith defended his wife so well…

She’s definitely going to let him watch tonight.
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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

How does a cannibal defend himself in court?

He says: “If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”
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Attorney confronts an 80-year-old old man defendant …

… who had been involved in an auto accident.

Atty: So how good would you say your vision is?

Man: Oh pretty good I would say

Atty: Is that so? So how far can you see?

Man: I can see the moon. How far is that?
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What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.
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TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.
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why does everyone feel the need to defend people in wheelchairs?

Honestly, let them stand up for themselves.
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How does a Shelf defend itself?

They learn Shelf-Defense.
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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”
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How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish?

He admitted his kilt.
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How do breweries defend themselves?

Deschutes
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How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...
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Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer?

Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...
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So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...
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What did Eminem learn to defend himself?

Marshall arts.
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A man got cured of lycanthropy and defended his doctoral thesis on the same day.

Now he is looking for a post dog position
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How do Jewish people defend themself

Jewdo
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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"

Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"

Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."
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I hate people who defend their laziness with their zodiac sign!

I mean, I invited my friend into an important friend reunion but she didnt go!

I asked her what was wrong she said' "Oh, I have cancer"

Yeah im an Aries! So what?
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A defendant was on trial for murder.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead wi...

I was addicted to not defending myself against nuns.

But I finally kicked the habit.
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What is a sex defender?

Serious question, I’m curious about who my opponent is.

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The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary.

The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary. She wants to fire her for a trivial matter.
The secretary defends herself: "You're just frustrated because I climax faster than you!
The boss' wife wonders surprised: "Did my husband tell you that?"
"No, the postman!"

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."
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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

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A man from stockholm decieds to move away from the grinde of the big city and buys a house in northern sweden out in the middel of nowhere

After having bougth his house and get settled a local comes to his house and greats him
"Hi! im your closest neighbour and i wanna invite you to a welcoming party!"
The stockholmer is pleasnetly supprised and agrees
"Alrigth! ill see you tomorrow! but just so you know thiere is gonna ...

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past
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I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

On the night of his betrayal, how did Jesus defend himself?

Jew-Jitsu
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How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?

They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.
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A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants

How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge. I didn’t say a word, said the third.
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I like defending myself in court.

So sue me.
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A: “You’re not a believer but keep defending religion”

B: “I’m just playing the god’s advocate”
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The judge looked disapprovingly at the defendant

"How could you defraud the people who trusted you?"
"Your honour, how would I be able to defraud people who didn't trust me?"
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Who is the strongest Defender from Netflix?

Iron Fist. He was able to take down all the others by himself
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A judge asks the defendant, what is your name?

Mr. Fallcharges your honor. First name Freo.

So you're Freo Fallcharges.

Okay thanks, I am going to get going.
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A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stu...
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Who is the REIGNING, DEFENDING and UNDISPUTED Social Distancing Champion of the World?

A whistleblower.
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A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...
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Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber
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It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community

Not even the mimes are talking
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I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can’t the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can’t they use those in self defense?

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How do you defend yourself against a gang of horny masochistics?

You probably have to beat them off with a stick!

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Why did the defendant orgasm after he was acquitted?

He got off on a technicality.

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...
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A biker stops by the local Harley-Davison shop to have his bike repaired.

They couldn’t fix it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the farm store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside t...
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You are being attacked by a gang of clowns, how do you defend yourself?

You go for the juggler

(Stole it from some guy in my office)
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Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato
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— Defendant, explain yourself, why did you rob the bank?

— Hey hey hey, he started it.
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If a lawyer is defending the porn industry in court...

...are they doing pro boner legal work?

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
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how many Frenchmen does it take to properly defend Frances borders?

No idea, No ones ever tried.
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I was defending myself after a crime spree by explaining that I had hypothermia and turned into a superconductor.

I couldn't resist.
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What do funeral home workers and football defenders have in common?

They get yelled at if they let the wrong guy inside the box.

(OC)
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Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.
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I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...
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[long] A man who was suing over an automobile accident was being questioned by the defendant's lawyer.

"*Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were not hurt*?"
"*I did*," replied the plaintiff.
"*But you see, it was like this: I was driving along the road with my old horse and wagon when along comes this car and knocks us into the ditch. You never saw such a horri...
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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples’ education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.
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During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."
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I was surprised when my son defended me after I told everyone I had to start taking Viagra...

The little guy actually stuck up for me.

Did you hear the one about the criminal defendant with a lawyer fetish?

He got off on a technicality.
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While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

If Trump becomes president, I would really like to see how Republicans are going to defend him for doing the same thing Obama did:

Nothing.
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Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.
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A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!”

“Your Honor,” the defendant says, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
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Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.
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A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...
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While on trial, the defendant shows up alone in a suit of armor. The judge is perplexed.

The judge, curious as to what the hell the defendant is doing, asks him why he's wearing the suit of armor.

The defendant announces,

"Your honor, I wish to defend myself!"
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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

what do a nun and a public defender have in common?

neither one can get you off
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A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."
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Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...
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A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”
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I heard the judge threaten to disbar my lawyer.

SMH, they done gave me a saloon owner to defend me.
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