An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

What to blm protestors and cod players have In common?

They both hate people who use riot shields

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

A guy without a condom is like a knight without a shield

He's either really good with the sword, or he is really thirsty.

You know I gotta say, I’m a big fan of shields.

They’re really something I can get behind.

Did you guys see Eevee's new flying-type evolution in Sword and Shield?

It's called Pigeon.

Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

What do you call the Hulk when he picks up Captain America's shield?

The Star Spangled Banner

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver

Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver.

Sean Connery told me he got a tattoo of armour on his mouth, and that I mustn't tell anyone.

"OK," I replied, "And I recently cheated on my wife. So you must keep my secret, if you want me to keep yours."

He said, "My lips are shield."

How much does a Human shield cost?

One life

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

Have you heard about that Human Shield theory?

You know, I like it, I could get behind that!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”

“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.

“What about these long robes father?”

“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.

“And our sandals?”

“To shield our ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

I hosted a costume party a while back

I understood most of the costumes, but there was one guy with a rainbow clown wig, a captain America shield, an invisible dog, and a kimono. I must've sat there for 20 minutes trying to figure it out, but nothing made sense. So I went up to ask him directly.

Me: "Hey, nice costume"

Him...

PSA

Terrorists have announced they will no longer be taking hostages or using human shields, the risk isn't worth it.

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The America...

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two knights are riding through the forest

and they come across a peasant. One knight lifts his visor and says, "Pray thee, have you seen a black knight with a red lion rampant on a white shield?"

"I'm afraid not sir knight."

"Very well, then. Go about God's business."

They go another mile down the road, and they come ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...

A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."

The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn...

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangemen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retirees Having Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went
into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing
out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how
ab...

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sciencey joke for y'all.

An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source...

The King and the Thrones

Once there was a king- his kingdom was made up of houses made from the hay, mud and reinforced by waterproof grass fronds from the riverbanks. The king, naturally, had the biggest house, his being the only one in the kingdom to have two floors; a tricky bit of engineering for an all natural structur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tourists in Australia

George and Ethel retired, and decided to take a vacation in Australia and see the Outback. While driving through the Outback, they came over a hill, and on the side of the road was a bushman having sex with a kangaroo. George quickly shielded his wife's eyes while they drove by.

A few miles...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.

He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.

Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he ask...

Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?

They used a cumin shield.

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver.

"Is it his shield?" I asked.

the fowled experiment

scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the wind...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.