I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

Walks into a bar...

Paddy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "sure and begorah I'll be havin' a bit of a nip to ward off the chills."
The bartender replies, "But it's 80 degrees outside!"
Paddy says, "Aye, but have ye seen the look in my wife's eye lately?"

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less super...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man Gets Biggest Shock Ever After Eating A Hot Chilli. This Is Insane 💕

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written gu...

Topical Jokes for 9/5/14

(for best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night host)

In Oregon, a veterinarian discovered 43 socks in a Great Dane’s stomach. The dog was taken to the vet when the owner wanted to find out why his sock drawer was growling.

To ward off evil spirits, a woman in I...

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