How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearrange the furniture

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

A woman goes to confession...

The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

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Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.

“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

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Punishment by Profession

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and their chief kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber.

The chief said to the first one, "What is your job?"

He said, "I'm a fireman."

The chief said, "His penis... BURN IT OFF!" S...

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TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

What's the punishment for gluing together the pages of a biography?

Multiple back-to-back life sentences.

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If porn has taught me one thing:

detention is not a punishment.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

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[during sex...] her: punish me papi

**me:** *[panicking]* g-g-go stand in the corner and think about what you did.

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

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2 guys get caught by jungle people

One day 2 guys are going somewhere via a dense forest. Suddenly they get surrounded by tribals.
"You have dared to cross our private territory. You must pay now. Either face the leader's punishment or face death"

Guy 1 opts for the leader's punishment.
The leader shows up: "you have t...

Some Pharises are about to stone a woman for adultery.

They come to Jesus, telling him that she was caught in the act, and the punishment for such a crime is death.

Jesus famously states, "let the one who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd begins to look around at each other, realizing there isn't a pure soul among them, when...

Punishing kids now days...

Punishing kids now days consists of taking away all of their technology and making them experience life the way you grew up.

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Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That’s wasn’t fun, was it?

Son: No, it was Fuck.

How do you punish your pet rock?

“You hit rock bottom”

What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice?

A gluten for punishment

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

How do you punish a vegetarian in the olden days?

You burn them at the steak

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

How does Obi-Wan Kenobi punish his kids?

He high grounds them

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

My CTO punished me for not having my new critical changes on production

All for the crime that I didn't commit.

Why was the square root of 2 punished?

Because it made irrational decisions.

What happened to the guy who told terrible jokes?

He was severely PUNished.

Three men are waiting in front of the gates to heaven...

God comes to the first man and asks him how many times have you cheated on your wife? The man says “never would I cheat on my wife. I love her very much”. God looks at him for a second and says “ahh you can’t fool me, I’m god! You’ve cheated on her 10 times! As your punishment, you will have to d...

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

My teacher said she would punish me if I didn't know Tehran is the capital of which country

So I ran

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

There's a gang in my area...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church...

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mother-in-laws

How do you punish Hellen Keller?

Make her read a cheese grater.

Why did the bee get punished?

Because it mis-bee-hived.

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be...

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:



1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Put her in a circular room and tell her there’s a penny in the corner.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins...

As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
"What's the deal???" he said. "I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman!"
Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork a...

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

I don’t believe in hitting my kids as punishment

I just do it for fun

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

A Brit, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman

A Englishman, a French man, and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries, so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two ...

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

I was always taught that the punishment for Treason was death.

But apparently it's only 4 years.

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Man buys a parrot after his wife leaves him

A man's wife leaves him and he is lonely so he decides to go to a pet shop to alleviate his depravity.

He walks into the pet shop and one of the first things he notices is a parrot perched in a cage.

The parrot immediately starts talking "You're wonderful I love you your the greatest I...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book

Russian Conductor

(TL;DR at bottom, it's a long joke)

So a Russian train engineer is barreling down a track, and doesn't slow down for three people crossing, killing them instantly. He gets the electric chair as punishment. For what should be his last meal, he asks for a banana. He gets his request, and is ele...

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

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A boy stole a candy bar. His dad instead of punishing him this time tried to explain that he should only do things he is proud of, and if he lives that way all the time it will feel good.

The boy tried it. He stopped behing a coward and asked out any girl he wanted. He saved money instead of wasting it on the little things. He made a bunch of improvements to his life he was proud of, within a week. But he became very uncomfortable and nobody knew why. Then he announced he was putting...

How do you punish your coffee beans?

You ground it.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

What was the earthquakes punishment

It was grounded

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

Has anyone noticed that (i) looks like (I) that's been beheaded?

Capital punishment?

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

A punishment should always fit the crime.

If someone cuts in line, you cut their brake line.

“I’ve been a bad girl,” she said, “I need to be punished.”

So I signed her up for a Comcast account.

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PP JOKE

three men enter hell the devil asks the men what did you use to work as the first man said a lumberjack so the devil said that they will chop his pp off the second man said a firefighter so the devil said we will burn his pp off the third thought about it and said lolipop sales men

edit : for...

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

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Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

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A priest is playing darts...

A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: "Jesus Fucking Christ I'm pissed, my shot just missed!". A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lords name in vain. "If you use that language again, I shall ask the lord to punish you" he says. But the priest doesn't mind him and...

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid?

rearrange the furniture

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"

TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

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God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus

but I think they really nailed it.

They usually don't punish a doctor for losing a patient

But they immediately fired me, being a gynecologist is difficult.

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I fucking missed again!"...

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

We don't use corporal punishment anymore

It's old school.

Three explorers are captured by natives

All 3 are tied up and displayed in the middle of the village. The leader of the natives approaches them.

"You are trespassers and must be punished. You must choose between death and ooga-booga." The explorers learn that "ooga-booga" is forced sodomy.

"I am too young to die!" the fir...

What is the punishment for polygamy?

2 wives!

How does the russian mother punish her kid who got bad grades at school?

Nietflix.

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(NSFW) Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Yes Katie, I remember. I think you were about 8 years old. It probably seemed harsh, but I supported his decision even though it made you quite upset.

And, Mom, you remember that time I killed a ho...

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

God's Punishment

There lived a rabbi who was an avid golfer and played the game at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One day the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will...

3 thieves were brought to the king's palace for punishment

The king orders his men to hit them with a whip 50 times each but since the king was kind, he allowed all 3 of them to make a wish before their punishment.

The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied up on his back, which gets torn up after 10 whips and so he has to bear 40 whips

The se...

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