UPJOKE
penalizerevengesanctionspunishmentcastigateretaliatedisciplinecrimepenalisepunitiveprosecutepenaltycondemnvictimizepenal

Punish Jokes

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl

"For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "

I have no problem with capital punishment in theory.

Just in execution.

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearranged the furniture.

Teacher can you punish me for something i didn't do?

No, goes the teacher

Good, because I didn't do homework
Just a joke from Facebook (im not a comedian)

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

What's the punishment for bigamy?

More than one mother-in-law

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:



1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

what's the worst punishment for bigamy?

2 mother in laws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 tribesmen were about to get punished

3 tribesmen were about to get punished. The chief told them to bring 10 fruits from their crops.

The first one brought 10 apples. The chief then said that those 10 apples would be inserted in his asshole. If he manages to not show any reaction when all the apples get inserted, he gets to live...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Son, I heard you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That wasn’t fun, was it?”

“No Dad, it was Fuck.”

How do you punish your pet rock?

“You hit rock bottom”

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

How did the English teacher punish her students?

She sentenced them

Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment...

Or is that a Private matter ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punishment by Profession

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and their chief kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber.

The chief said to the first one, "What is your job?"

He said, "I'm a fireman."

The chief said, "His penis... BURN IT OFF!" S...

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Put her in a circular room and tell her there’s a penny in the corner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese Punishments

So this explorer is out in the Chinese wilderness, and he lost, tired and hungry. He comes across a rather large house with multiple stories. Relieved he goes up and knocks on the door. An old chinese master opens it up.

"Please," said the explorer, "Can I have food and shelter for the night...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

How does Obi-Wan Kenobi punish his kids?

He high grounds them

How do you punish Hellen Keller?

Make her read a cheese grater.

Remember when going to bed was a punishment?

How stupid we were!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I don’t believe in hitting my kids as punishment

I just do it for fun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

The most cruel punishment

A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for ...

For those of you who also sometimes get confused between corporal and capital punishment

Please come and pick up these dead kids and give me a spanking.

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

Punishing kids now days...

Punishing kids now days consists of taking away all of their technology and making them experience life the way you grew up.

Recently I was fingered for a crime

which seems like a weird punishment

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

How do you punish a vegetarian in the olden days?

You burn them at the steak

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

How do you punish your coffee beans?

You ground it.

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

By rearranging the furniture and leaving a plunger in the toilet.

God's Punishment

There lived a rabbi who was an avid golfer and played the game at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One day the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

What was the earthquakes punishment

It was grounded

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

Why was the square root of 2 punished?

Because it made irrational decisions.

They usually don't punish a doctor for losing a patient

But they immediately fired me, being a gynecologist is difficult.

“I’ve been a bad girl,” she said, “I need to be punished.”

So I signed her up for a Comcast account.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid?

rearrange the furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

We don't use corporal punishment anymore

It's old school.

My tinder date said she had a thing for corporeal punishment in bed

So I ghosted on her ass

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

My teacher said she would punish me if I didn't know Tehran is the capital of which country

So I ran

Why is Punisher the funniest Marvel character?

Because he has the best punchlines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

Public punishments in Saudi Arabia are really hard

It’s like beating dark soles

Little Johnny can't be punished

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”

Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

I was always taught that the punishment for Treason was death.

But apparently it's only 4 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

School Punishments

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of y...

How does the russian mother punish her kid who got bad grades at school?

Nietflix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strange Punishment

Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of though...

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Mea...

Have you heard a joke about capital punishment?

Apparently, they're very hard to execute.

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

Punishment

Not talking to your husband to punish him is like trying to kill a fish by drowning!

New definition of punishment

When you get to a reddit thread after all the puns have been taken.

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best "Punishment" Ever?

A guy goes to hell for his sins and meets Satan who tells him he has a choice of three punishments. Satan walks him through each punishment

The devil shows him the first punishment where they witness a man being lashed repeatedly

The man cringes and says "Can I see the next one?"
<...

Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus

but I think they really nailed it.

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

How did Helen Keller get punished?

Her mom rearranged the living room

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see
the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third
room. It has an really old guy chained to the
wall getting...

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

A court ruled that sharing click-baits is punishable by death.

What happens next will shock you.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.