A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

I had to apologize to my friend for making fun of his erectile dysfunction.

I said, “Hope there are no hard feelings.”

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

My friend told this to me the other day, so I apologize if this is a repost or anything like that.

A man is pulled over for speeding.

Police Officer: Sir, were you aware you were going 68 MPH on a 45?

Man: No sir.

Officer: Well, you were, and that's far too high. You'll have to be in court.

Man: Well, can you at least raise the number a bit so we can get the judge to s...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

Saying "I'm Sorry" and "I Apologize" mean the same thing.

Except when you're at funerals.

I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires.

Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

i going to make joke but wanna apologize for poor english

america is my first language

I apologize to all the people I told they were only average persons.

I didn't mean it.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

I apologize for the coin shortage.

I started a swear jar.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

As a Canadian, I reserve the right to be unapologetically apologetic...

And for that, I apologize.

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Lil Johnny speeding past a bridge.

(This was a take away joke)

Officer: Do you know you were doing 80 in a 65?
Johnny: No, I apologize, I was just rushing to work.
Officer: What makes your job so important that you need to put peoples lives at risk, speeding along the roadway?
Johnny: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Office...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

Sorry this is long, a husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and has be...

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i apologize if this has been posted here already

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth ...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologize

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

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Bored King and the jester

Old joke, not sure if it translates well into English..


King was bored out of his mind. He summoned his court jester and said, “Why am I paying you? I am bored and you haven’t cracked a good joke in years. If you want to keep your job, do something crazy tomorrow. Your explanation for wha...

There are 2 types of people in the world: those that apologize when they're wrong

and those I double down on when I'm right.

A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

“I must have taken Lief off my census.”

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country ...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and p...

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

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A Blonde gets stopped for Speeding

The Blonde Female Officer Asks for her ID
So the Blonde searches for her purse and pulls out a small mirror thinking the reflection is her ID and hands it to the officer
The officer sees the Reflection and Apologizes not realizing the Lady was a Cop & lets her go

(Sorry, was Typing...

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

I apologize for offending you when I called you stupid.

I thought you already knew.

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An American redneck man wakes up to beaming lights blinding his vision for a moment as his vision comes into focus...

He see's standing above him 3 alien like creatures hovering over him while one pokes him with a sharp object. He screams out in pain and says, "Why the hell did you do that!?" The alien apologizes in perfect English taking the man by surprise. He then proceeds to ask, "Are you gonna do that thing wh...

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

How long will Justin Trudeau have to apologize?

Until he's black in the face

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...

There was this fella having some drinks at a bar....

And all evening he kept eyeballing this beautiful, young woman, sitting at a table with what appeared to be a few of her friends. He noticed she would smile at him and subtly play with her hair, and from what he gathered, she was into him.

After building up some liquid courage, he decides it ...

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In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:

&nbsp;

-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the stree...

A Barr Walks Into A Mann.

The Attorney General then apologizes to the Minnesotan Representative.

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.


A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

What's the difference between a geologist and Dwayne Johnson conducting an experiment?

One is a rock scientist. The other is The Rock, scientist.



(This is so dumb. I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.)

Genie Wish

A couple is playing golf when the man hits a wild shot that shatters the window of a nearby house. The couple head up to the door to apologize and offer to replace the window. To their surprise, a tall, handsome, mustachioed man in a turban answers. Before the couple can speak, the turbaned man says...

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes.

All of the good ones argon.

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on...

The first nurse says “I can’t let that go to waste!” And rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she’s on her period but she does him anyway. Then the man sits up, and the nurses apologize to him, saying they thought he was dead. The man replies “I was! But ...

A man walks into Abar

He apologizes to the muslim fellow for not looking where he was going.

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A man is seeing his therapist.

“Doc I have recurring dreams. One night I’m a tepee, the next I’m a wigwam”

“Well, this is an easy one. You’re two tents.”

(I’m new here, so I apologize for the hundredth time this has been posted)

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A Japanese contractor at a US company

He works alongside the other staff but he stays kinda reserved and by himself, doesn't mingle, doesn't talk much, apologizes profusely all the time and at the end he stands in front of the others and asks them for a moment of their attention, with a bowed head and deep regret in his voice.

"M...

I never apologize

I am sorry but that's just the way I am.

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Do you believe in genies?

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through...

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I apologized to my wife last night because I wasn’t able to perform during sex.

There were no hard feelings.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.

A painter gets a helper from the unemployment office

A few days later the lady from the office calls the painter and apologizes deeply for the mistake.

"What mistake?"

"I'm so sorry, instead of a painter we sent you a gynecologist. Please just let him go, we send you a..."

"Let him go? You nuts, he's my best worker! At the last jo...

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

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A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport

A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport late at night. Three men, heavily drunk, boarded the taxi.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"Airrrporrttt", one of then replied.

The taxi driver was confused, but decided to take advantage of the situation. He turned the key to start th...

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A man goes to the dentist.

A man goes to the dentist. The dentist tells him he is going to remove a few teeth and will give him some gas to numb the pain. Suddenly the man exclaimed that he hates gas and won't do it. So the dentist tries a different approach. He tries an injection but again the man exclaimed that he is scared...

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

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Misinterpretation

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.  They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"


One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediate...

My doctor apologized for the botched circumcision that left me impotent.

I told him no hard feelings.

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A joke my friend told me a while ago

A man was very worried when he went to see a doctor.

"Doctor, I want to let you know that I have a very small penis, and I would like you to not laugh about its size."

The doctor promised and told him that he is very professional.

So the man opened his pants, and there was the s...

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A ventriloquist was performing in a club telling dumb blonde jokes...

With his dummy on his knee, he begins his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the audience stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a person's hair...

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

A Brazilian Man just died and went to hell

Satan looks at the man and says: “You’re not in hell just yet. Because you’re from Brazil, I’m going to let you choose a hell of your own desires.”

The Brazilian Man said: “I hate Brazil. Let’s try the American Hell.”

He went to the American Hell, was stabbed by 2 Pitch Forks by demon...

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

Theo visits his sister, a veterinarian...

And being a good brother, he brought 2 cups of hot chocolate, her favorite drink. Angela, his sister thanks him, but marks her cup because after all these years she knows how forgetful he can be, and how he can mistake her cup for his.

Sure enough, after chatting a bit, Theo reaches for a cu...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

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