I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

What does a dyslexic zombie say?

Brians

Where is the best place to hide from a Zombie?

In your LIVING room.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnssssss.

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

Why do zombies like opinions?

Because they just want a piece of mind

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side.

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

What's the easiest way to starve a zombie?

I shouldn't have to tell you anyways, it's a no brainer.

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you?

You need a better education.

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

I can't think of any good zombie jokes lately

I must've gone *braindead* or something.

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman died while having sex with a zombie

I guess you could say she’s fucking dead.

Why did the zombie get a job in the ICU?

Because he was a vegetarian....ok I'll see my way out

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

You know that dude who played the Joker, right? He's starring in a new zombie flick.

The Joaquin Dead.

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

A zombie walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

So two zombies walk out of the bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a zombie gets food poisoning?

It shits its brains out.

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording them.

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

Zombie Clowns

If you are attacked by a pack of ravenous zombie Clowns.. go for the juggler.

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

What do melancholic zombies wish for?

A brainy day.

What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

During a zombie apocalypse, where is the safest place to be?

Washington DC. There aren't any brains.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

They blessed the brains down in Africa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

What do zombies eat while on a hike?

Entrail Mix.

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