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Zombi Jokes

How does Rob Zombie make brownies?

EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!



Edit - Yes I understand it would be better with CAKE and not BROWNIES.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

What do Vegan Zombies Crave?

GRAINS !!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

I dated a zombie a long time ago

When we broke up, she fell apart

3 Guy Talking About the Zombie Apocalypse

These 3 guys are driving on the highway at night, and begin having a conversation about what they would do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse .

The guy in the passenger seat says, "I quit smoking years ago, so I make sure I keep a cigarette hidden in my trunk. I would re...

What do you call a zombie making stir-fry?

Dead man WOKing.

What does a vegan say after they are bitten by a zombie?

*Graaiiiins*

An evergreen Zombie Joke

2 people are running away from a Zombie when they back themselves into a corner.

The Zombie approaches, wanting to eat their brains.

1 of them suddenly has an idea. "Wait, don't eat us! We're \[insert unpopular group members, for example, a political affiliation you hate\]!"

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombie strippers are expensive

[OC] It costs an arm and a leg to see them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombie movie set. The director is pissed....

The director screams "stop that!". "Okay, let's try again".

Zombies drudge down the hall halfhazardly, and as it seems to be going well the director screams "CUT!", then walks out and grabs one zombie in particular.

The zombie actor is bewildered and shocked. The director says "why do...

3 zombies were hungry...

3 zombies were hungry and one of them said "I will be back in a minute" minute later he came back with blood stains on his mouth. Other 2 asked "how did that happen?"
He replied:
"Do you see that pole?"
-"Yes."
"There was a man hiding behind it and I ate him."
Second zombie said "I w...

Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse.

They’ll never tell you when they’re turning.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

what do zombie cereal mascots say?

graaaiiiins

What makes zombies laugh?

Dad jokes.

Outside my house last night, zombies wouldn't stop moaning "brains! brains! brains!"

So I went out there and gave them a piece of my mind.

What's the difference between "The Boy Who Lived" and a zombie in an organ bank?

>!One is Harry Potter, and the other is a happy rotter.!<

2 Zombies are Eating a Redditor

One asks the other "Does this taste smarter-than-average and depressed to you?"

"No. Just angsty and unoriginal."

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.

what's a zombie's favorite cereal?

Brain Flakes

What is a zombie's favorite type of weather?

A brainstorm.

How did the zombie know they won the lottery?

It was a dead giveaway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between you and a zombie?

A zombie gots brains for shit...

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

What does a zombie call a brain freeze?

A frozen dinner

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

What’s the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse?

Plants

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!

What's that one room zombies can never enter?

the LIVING room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

Why did the girl fall in love with the zombie?

She said he was just so infectious

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

What does a buff zombie want?

Gaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnssssss.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

Zombie Clowns

If you are attacked by a pack of ravenous zombie Clowns.. go for the juggler.

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

Where is the best place to hide from a Zombie?

In your LIVING room.

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

I can't think of any good zombie jokes lately

I must've gone *braindead* or something.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

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