Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

What do you call a zombie that cooks stir-frys ?

Dead Man Wok-ing ...

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

I need a woman to help with my Halloween costume this year. I’ll be a zombie

And you lay there and get eaten.

What does a vegetarian zombie say?

"Graaaains"

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

I was thinking of posting a zombie joke for Halloween....

.

.

.

.

but I'm afraid it would come back to bite me.

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

What did the Zombie say to the Jock Bullying the Nerd?

Don't Touch my Food!

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

more zombie jokes

What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaiinnss

What does a zombie plumber work on?

Draaiinnss

What does a zombie conductor work on?

Traaiinnss

What equipment does a zombie construction worker operate?

Craaanness

What is a zombie poets favorite form?<...

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

Why did the girl fall in love with the zombie?

She said he was just so infectious

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

Where is the best place to hide from a Zombie?

In your LIVING room.

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

What do zombies that like cereal say?

GRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side.

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

What's the easiest way to starve a zombie?

I shouldn't have to tell you anyways, it's a no brainer.

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

Zombies may appear slightly disordered at times.

But their food is always mindful.

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate Halloween

Zombies are stupid, vampires suck, werewolves can bite me, and succubi? Fuck em.

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

Why did the zombie get a job in the ICU?

Because he was a vegetarian....ok I'll see my way out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman died while having sex with a zombie

I guess you could say she’s fucking dead.

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

What do you get when you rehydrate craisins?

Zombie ay ay ay

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

The reason why anti-vaxxers don't worry about a zombie apocalypse arising is....

because they don't have a brain

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

Zombies die as they lived

They don’t

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

What's that one room zombies can never enter?

the LIVING room

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

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