What do zombie vegans eat?

Grrrraaaaaaiiiinsssss

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a zombie gets food poisoning?

It shits its brains out.

Why did the zombie never laugh at jokes?

Because he was always so dead serious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

What is a zombies favorite dessert?

A handshake

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

Zombie Clowns

If you are attacked by a pack of ravenous zombie Clowns.. go for the juggler.

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

Why did the female zombie join the online dating site?

Because she wanted to find Mr. Wight.



I know its lame, but I wrote it myself, so I was proud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Did you know that Rob Zombie is actually a cannibal and a terrible cook?

I went to a dinner party at his house. The main course was more cumin than human.

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

What’s a zombie’s favorite fruit?

The Adam’s apple!

I went to a zombie party

I guess you can say is that I was the life of the party

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

What do you call a disabled person during a zombie apocalypse?

Meals on wheels.

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

They blessed the brains down in Africa.

If Mozart turned into a zombie...

He'd be a famous decomposer.

During a zombie apocalypse, where is the safest place to be?

Washington DC. There aren't any brains.

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

What do you call a zombie that writes music...?

Decomposer.

Whats a dyslexic zombie's favourite food?

Brians

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

What's a zombie's favorite treat?

You're probably thinking brain food, but it's actually eye candy.

How did the zombie ace the math quiz?

It was a no-brainer!

A zombie walks into a bar.

Bartender: We don’t serve zombies around here!

Zombie: That’s fine. Is the human fresh?

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.

"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."

"Oh, no, it's okay." ...

Why did the Zombie miss her wedding?

Cold feet

This year for Halloween, I'm going to use my arthritis to really help bring my zombie costume to life

Paaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsss

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

What do you name a zombie that knows how to serenade?

Dead Sheeran

What do you call Donald Trump if he gets infected with a virus that turns him into a zombie?

President Evil

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaains!

Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit

I'm reading a book about a zombie dog.

Can't put it down.

I told my friend that he would probably survive a zombie apocalypse.

Only the dumbest zombies go for Brians.

For a zombie, what is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

So I booted up Fortnite twice simultaneously, and it turned into a zombie survival game

It was 28 Days Later

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

What does it take to become a zombie?

Deadication

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

What do you call a zombie with a hickey?

A necromancer.

RIP GEORGE A ROMERO

Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

"Hey. Did you know I'm a zombie hunter?"

"What? Zombies don't exist."

"You're welcome."

In 1944, a unit of zombie dolphins were deployed by the allies to assist in the invasion of Normandy.

They were named the “marine corpse”

How does a zombie freshen their breath?

They eat a liga**mint**.

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse

On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the zombie say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip"

What is the Zombie equivalent of a Leprechaun's Pot o' Gold?

Crypt o' Currency.

What is a zombie's favorite exercise?

Undeadlifts.

How does a zombie see his future?

He uses his horrorscope!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's favourite sexual position is 'The Zombie'.

She lies back and waits to be eaten.

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she b...

What is considered an apocalypse by a zombie?

A Necrophiliac outbreak

Why did the zombie herd ignore the donkey?

They wanted to eat brains, not ass.

What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie?

Deceased and desist

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day.

Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns.
Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins.
Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

What do zombie college students eat?

Raw-men

What is a zombie's favourite activity on a cruise ship?

Shuffleboard!

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits...

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits, so they took him to the zombie pediatrician.

“I don’t understand what’s going on!” Mrs. Zombie complained. “We’ve been trying to get him to start harvesting and eating solid brains, but he’s doing it all wrong.”

Mr. ...

Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party?

He didn't have the guts

Some people just aren’t nutritious

Zombie: “Brains...brains...”

Flat Earther: “Hi!”

Zombie: (Hesitates. Moves on.)

“Brains...”

What did the prospector say the the zombie rappers?

"There's mold in them there grills"

When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans .

You just turn them off and on .

What does a dyslexic zombie say?

Brian's ... Briiiiiiiiian's!!!

Whats a zombie's favorite drink?

Egg noggin.

What did the zombie body builder say?

GAINSSS!!!

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