UPJOKE
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During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

What do you call a Zombie who doesn't joke around?

Dead Serious.

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!

What do you call a zombie Pac-Man character?

Wacca wacca waccing dead.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

How did the zombie ruin the bank heist?

He ate the brains of the operation

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

What's the easiest way to starve a zombie?

I shouldn't have to tell you anyways, it's a no brainer.

I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side.

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

Obviously zombies cannabilize humans

Its a no brainer

I need a woman to help with my Halloween costume this year. I’ll be a zombie

And you lay there and get eaten.

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

Where is the best place to hide from a Zombie?

In your LIVING room.

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

What do you call a zombie that cooks stir-frys ?

Dead Man Wok-ing ...

What did the Zombie say to the Jock Bullying the Nerd?

Don't Touch my Food!

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

What does a zombie say while shaking your hand?

"Nice to eat you."

I was thinking of posting a zombie joke for Halloween....

.

.

.

.

but I'm afraid it would come back to bite me.

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

Why did the girl fall in love with the zombie?

She said he was just so infectious

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

They are making the next series of Walking Dead in Greece

It’s a total zombie Acropolis.

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

How many zombies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because they use a fleshlight.

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

What do zombies that like cereal say?

GRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

What is it called when a zombie makes a lame joke?

A groaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman died while having sex with a zombie

I guess you could say she’s fucking dead.

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

The reason why anti-vaxxers don't worry about a zombie apocalypse arising is....

because they don't have a brain

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

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