A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

In case of an actual zombie apocalypse, your best bet is going to a Costco.

There are tons of food, thick concrete walls, and the zombies can't get in without a membership.

(Not mine originally but definitely one of my favorites!)

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

What does the vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAIIINNNS...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?

A mouthful of sheet

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

Zombies die as they lived

They don’t

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

What kind of people do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

What's a zombies favorite drink

A stiff one

Whats the one thing all zombies want?

Piece of mind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tomb raider goes into a pyramid

She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave.

Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave.

He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She ...

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a zombie gets food poisoning?

It shits its brains out.

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

What do you call a girl who has been eaten by a zombie?

No idea? Come on, that's a no-brainer!

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Zombie Clowns

If you are attacked by a pack of ravenous zombie Clowns.. go for the juggler.

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

What do melancholic zombies wish for?

A brainy day.

I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording them.

Did you know that Rob Zombie is actually a cannibal and a terrible cook?

I went to a dinner party at his house. The main course was more cumin than human.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

What’s a zombie’s favorite fruit?

The Adam’s apple!

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

What do you call a disabled person during a zombie apocalypse?

Meals on wheels.

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

They blessed the brains down in Africa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

During a zombie apocalypse, where is the safest place to be?

Washington DC. There aren't any brains.

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

What did the Zombie cow say?

I want to eat your *grainss*

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

Why do zombies always win arguements?

they chew out your brain.

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

What should you do the moment you realize your house is surrounded by zombies?

Pray that it’s Halloween.

What do you call a zombie that writes music...?

Decomposer.

If Mozart turned into a zombie...

He'd be a famous decomposer.

A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

Everyone should stop giving zombies a hard time...

...they just want piece of mind.

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.

"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."

"Oh, no, it's okay." ...

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

Whats a dyslexic zombie's favourite food?

Brians

What do zombies eat while on a hike?

Entrail Mix.

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

A zombie walks into a bar.

Bartender: We don’t serve zombies around here!

Zombie: That’s fine. Is the human fresh?

How did the zombie ace the math quiz?

It was a no-brainer!

Why did the Zombie miss her wedding?

Cold feet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she b...

What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast

This year for Halloween, I'm going to use my arthritis to really help bring my zombie costume to life

Paaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsss

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

What do you name a zombie that knows how to serenade?

Dead Sheeran

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

I'm reading a book about a zombie dog.

Can't put it down.

What do you call a person who thinks zombies are superior to people?

A wight supremacist

What does it take to become a zombie?

Deadication

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaains!

Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit

What do you call a zombie with a hickey?

A necromancer.

RIP GEORGE A ROMERO

So I booted up Fortnite twice simultaneously, and it turned into a zombie survival game

It was 28 Days Later

For a zombie, what is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

A necrophilic man is trapped in a room with zombies.

The genie pats himself on the back.

Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

Yo mamma is so stupid...

If a zombie walked up to eat her brain, it'd just keep on walking.

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

Some people just aren’t nutritious

Zombie: “Brains...brains...”

Flat Earther: “Hi!”

Zombie: (Hesitates. Moves on.)

“Brains...”

What is a zombie's favorite exercise?

Undeadlifts.

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