Why can zombies never be arrested

Cuz you'll never take them alive.

I can't think of any good zombie jokes lately

I must've gone *braindead* or something.

Zombies may appear slightly disordered at times.

But their food is always mindful.

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

What's the easiest way to starve a zombie?

I shouldn't have to tell you anyways, it's a no brainer.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What does a vegan zombie say?

GRRRAAAAAIIIINSSSS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie boner?

A reserection

What does a dyslexic zombie eat?

Brians..

Why didn't the zombie cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts!

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAINS...

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

What do zombies that like cereal say?

GRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave.

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

In case of an actual zombie apocalypse, your best bet is going to a Costco.

There are tons of food, thick concrete walls, and the zombies can't get in without a membership.

(Not mine originally but definitely one of my favorites!)

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

Why did the zombie get a job in the ICU?

Because he was a vegetarian....ok I'll see my way out

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman died while having sex with a zombie

I guess you could say she’s fucking dead.

You know that dude who played the Joker, right? He's starring in a new zombie flick.

The Joaquin Dead.

The reason why anti-vaxxers don't worry about a zombie apocalypse arising is....

because they don't have a brain

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two large zombies – a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two zombies, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn’t so lucky and...

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a zombie gets food poisoning?

It shits its brains out.

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

What do you call a girl who has been eaten by a zombie?

No idea? Come on, that's a no-brainer!

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

Zombie Clowns

If you are attacked by a pack of ravenous zombie Clowns.. go for the juggler.

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

What do you call a zombie that writes music...?

Decomposer.

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery.

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery to get there.

One day she had to stay late in the office to finish some work and by the time she was ready go home it was already dark outside.

She started to walk home, and as she reached the entrance to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

During a zombie apocalypse, where is the safest place to be?

Washington DC. There aren't any brains.

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

They blessed the brains down in Africa.

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

What did the Zombie cow say?

I want to eat your *grainss*

What do melancholic zombies wish for?

A brainy day.

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

If Mozart turned into a zombie...

He'd be a famous decomposer.

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

Why did the Zombie miss her wedding?

Cold feet

What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

A zombie walks into a bar.

Bartender: We don’t serve zombies around here!

Zombie: That’s fine. Is the human fresh?

A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...

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