During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

I can't think of any good zombie jokes lately

I must've gone *braindead* or something.

Zombies may appear slightly disordered at times.

But their food is always mindful.

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

I need a woman to help with my Halloween costume this year. I’ll be a zombie

And you lay there and get eaten.

I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side.

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

What do you call a zombie that cooks stir-frys ?

Dead Man Wok-ing ...

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

What does a vegetarian zombie say?

"Graaaains"

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

I was thinking of posting a zombie joke for Halloween....

.

.

.

.

but I'm afraid it would come back to bite me.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

What did the Zombie say to the Jock Bullying the Nerd?

Don't Touch my Food!

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

Where is the best place to hide from a Zombie?

In your LIVING room.

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

Why did the girl fall in love with the zombie?

She said he was just so infectious

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

What do zombies that like cereal say?

GRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells.

Then someday I’ll be the most bad ass zombie ever.

A zombie walks into a bar and asks for a hard lemonade

The bartender replies "Certainly, I've never seen a Stiff Drink"

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

Why did the zombie get a job in the ICU?

Because he was a vegetarian....ok I'll see my way out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate Halloween

Zombies are stupid, vampires suck, werewolves can bite me, and succubi? Fuck em.

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman died while having sex with a zombie

I guess you could say she’s fucking dead.

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

The reason why anti-vaxxers don't worry about a zombie apocalypse arising is....

because they don't have a brain

What do you get when you rehydrate craisins?

Zombie ay ay ay

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny zombie say to superman?

See you in the kryptonite.

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

What do you call a zombie made out of cheese?

A Zombrie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?

They blessed the brains down in Africa.

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

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