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Zombie Jokes

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

I can't think of any good zombie jokes lately

I must've gone *braindead* or something.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombie strippers are expensive

[OC] It costs an arm and a leg to see them...

What do you call a zombie that doesn't joke around?

Dead serious

What did the vegan zombie say?

Ggggrrrrraaaiiiinnnnssssss

Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse.

They’ll never tell you when they’re turning.

3 zombies were hungry...

3 zombies were hungry and one of them said "I will be back in a minute" minute later he came back with blood stains on his mouth. Other 2 asked "how did that happen?"
He replied:
"Do you see that pole?"
-"Yes."
"There was a man hiding behind it and I ate him."
Second zombie said "I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombie movie set. The director is pissed....

The director screams "stop that!". "Okay, let's try again".

Zombies drudge down the hall halfhazardly, and as it seems to be going well the director screams "CUT!", then walks out and grabs one zombie in particular.

The zombie actor is bewildered and shocked. The director says "why do...

What does a zombie call a brain freeze?

A frozen dinner

How did the zombie know they won the lottery?

It was a dead giveaway

what do zombie cereal mascots say?

graaaiiiins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Zombie’s favorite sexual act?

Getting head.

What’s the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse?

Plants

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.

2 Zombies are Eating a Redditor

One asks the other "Does this taste smarter-than-average and depressed to you?"

"No. Just angsty and unoriginal."

What makes zombies laugh?

Dad jokes.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

An evergreen Zombie Joke

2 people are running away from a Zombie when they back themselves into a corner.

The Zombie approaches, wanting to eat their brains.

1 of them suddenly has an idea. "Wait, don't eat us! We're \[insert unpopular group members, for example, a political affiliation you hate\]!"

The...

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

What is a zombie's favorite type of weather?

A brainstorm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between you and a zombie?

A zombie gots brains for shit...

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!

What do you call a zombie Pac-Man character?

Wacca wacca waccing dead.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

I need a woman to help with my Halloween costume this year. I’ll be a zombie

And you lay there and get eaten.

Where is the best place to hide from a Zombie?

In your LIVING room.

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

What's the easiest way to starve a zombie?

I shouldn't have to tell you anyways, it's a no brainer.

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

Where did zombies go for a family meal?

Headquarters

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

what's a zombie's favorite cereal?

Brain Flakes

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

Why did the girl fall in love with the zombie?

She said he was just so infectious

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

What do you call a zombie that cooks stir-frys ?

Dead Man Wok-ing ...

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

My friend Brian is having a rough time of it this Halloween.

He was attacked by dyslexic zombies.

Happy spooky day!

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis got me sleepwalking

Call me rod zombie

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

What does zombie Kansas eat?

Carrion, my wayward son!

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you?

You need a better education.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

Why did the Zombie eat a Pirate?

Because he wanted a career change and you ARR what you eat.

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

What do you call a zombie apocalypse in Wisconsin?

Parmageddon

If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas

would it stay in Vegas?

(I couldn’t post this in r/showerthoughts because it is a question)

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

What do zombie bodybuilders want more than anything?

GaaAAAiiNnns!!

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman died while having sex with a zombie

I guess you could say she’s fucking dead.

Best parts of having a zombie SO

They never complain.

They dont cheat.

You never feel inadequate, they're always moaning

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

What's that one room zombies can never enter?

the LIVING room

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

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