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Legal Jokes

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

A man visits a lawyer and asks “How much do you charge for legal advice?”

The lawyer says “I’ll answer three questions for $500.”

The man says “Don’t you think that’s rather expensive?”

The lawyer says “Yes. What’s your third question?”

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

Legal Opinion?

It has been so long since I have carried cash that I forgot to take the change out of my pockets before washing them.

Does that make me a money launderer?

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

Free

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking y...

What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?

The Santa Clause

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

Did you hear about the guy with a bear fetish?

When he learned that New Mexico is one of the only states in the US where bestiality is legal, he traveled there and went out to the mountains looking for some action.

He spotted a beautiful bear and went about trying to seduce it, but it kept running away. Finally, the man's charm overcame ...

A cop pulls over a blonde

He says "Lady, do you realize you just ran over 20 people back there?"

She then asks "OK, so what's the legal limit?"

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" Asks the landlord

"I'll have a beer please"

The landlord pours him a beer and puts it in front of him.

"That's £3.50 please"

"Oh I'm not paying for it. You offered me a drink so I said I'll have a beer"

"Don't b...

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?

Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.

Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?

Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

Did you know that necrophilia is legal in some places?

I wouldn't be caught dead there!

I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker.

Voyeur I think is the legal term.

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.



This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

Never eat the calamari at the free legal benefit

That's squid pro quo

Didn't that actress from Legally Blonde once eat cereal with a fork?

No wait- she ate Reese With a spoon

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

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How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion?

Trespass.

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

The farmer and the bird

2 farmers were on other sides of one fence. 1 former shot down a bird and it landed on the other farmers side. The first farmer goes up to the second and says “this is my bird, I killed it so I should get it” the second farmer says “no it landed on my property it’s legally mine” the first farmer res...

Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute?

The court of A-peels

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

My legal name is 0100110

but you can call me Codey.

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

Word of the Bible

Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.

--- fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada

Three men meet Saint Peter at the Holy Gates......

.......and Saint Peter demands that they recount their deeds in life!

The first man steps up. "I was a doctor," he says. "I could've gone into private practice and made a lot of money, but I preferred to take care of the poor and impoverished. I like to think that I brought happiness into ...

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Writing a book called "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck". Will I get into legal trouble?

The difference is subtle.

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her

(it's my cake day... take er easy)

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

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For years I’ve been looking for barley legal Jewish porn..

Turns out the proper term is, Yiddish and skittish.

What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?

A reeferendum.

How do you legalize quack?

You start by passing a bill!

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

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A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases.

Though he got off on a technicality.

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A jurisprudence fetishist...

... was acquitted of charges of masturbating into a legal brief in public.

He got off on a technicality.

What is both legal and cool, pleasant and healthy, free and highly profitable, securing and freeing - all in one, and is available only today?

Voting in USA

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

[OC] Justin Bieber wanted to go on vacation and not be recognised by anyone, so he totally changed his look. He even legally changed his name:

Justin Case.

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Why are women legally obliged to cook for their husbands?

Because by the Geneva convention, all prisoners need to be fed and maintained in dignified conditions.

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

What's the difference between a fetus in the US and a politician in the US?

The fetus is legally required to become a human being.

How do you say, "Not yet at the legal age of consent." in Chinese?

Tu Yung

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin

And they say marijuana isn’t a gateway drug...

Did you know it's legal to use lethal force on babies that keep you up at night?

I mean, they are resisting a rest.

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

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Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console?

Wednesday.

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

I hope Snoop Dogg lives long enough to see weed completely legal in the US.

Otherwise, he’ll be rolling in his grave.

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office

After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think...

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

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Cock fighting is legal in Minnesota.

As long as you don't use chicken's.

I know it's an old one, but there was a cock fight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

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