Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

How do you say, "Not yet at the legal age of consent." in Chinese?

Tu Yung

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her

(it's my cake day... take er easy)

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

Why are women legally obliged to cook for their husbands?

Because by the Geneva convention, all prisoners need to be fed and maintained in dignified conditions.

What is both legal and cool, pleasant and healthy, free and highly profitable, securing and freeing - all in one, and is available only today?

Voting in USA

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin

And they say marijuana isn’t a gateway drug...

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective...

High-brrr-nation

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

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Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console?

Wednesday.

I hope Snoop Dogg lives long enough to see weed completely legal in the US.

Otherwise, he’ll be rolling in his grave.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come ...

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so i'm about to be a legal adult,

and i have a lot of things to make up my mind about. like masturbation, for example. because on one hand, it feels good...

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

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If I made a porn when I was 16, is it legal for me to watch it now?

Or is it illegal because my parents didn't know they were being filmed?

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Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country

Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

Did you know it's legal to use lethal force on babies that keep you up at night?

I mean, they are resisting a rest.

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office

After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think...

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

Today, my stepdad told me he's becoming my legal parent.

Me: I'm adopted??

Stepdad: Hi adopted, I'm dad.

Yesterday, I legally changed my name to "Void"

Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!

My girlfriend and I are now in a long distance relationship

I still see her all the time, I’m just not legally permitted to be within 1,000 ft. of her.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

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A nurse dies and mistakenly goes to hell. St. Peter, realising he fucked up, knocks on hell's gate ...

"Nurses belong in heaven, you know that, she must come with me," St. Peter exclaims.

"No, the nurse stays," Satan doesn't back down.

"Well then, I must bring this to god's attention and we'll be taking legal action."

Satan laughs, "do whatever you want, I have the best lawyers o...

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails

Because that would be...





E-legal.

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

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I want to thank my dog for taking a shit on the floor in the dark, causing me to slip in it this morning

Anything that distracts me from the elections is a welcome change of pace.


Side note:this is also a true story. How long are you legally allowed to shower?

Did you hear about the criminal with a fetish for legal procedures?

He got off on a technicality.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

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Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

What do you call a dog that helps out in a Spanish law firm?

A perro-legal.

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

A state trooper pulled over a guy for going too slow on the freeway and having too many flags on His car.... As soon as the officer walked to the car the questioning begun:

Who are You? What is Your name? Do you speak english? You look illegal to Me are You legal? Where did You come from?........

Ok first of all My name is officer Gonzales and I am supposed to be doing the questions.

A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state.

So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.

Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

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Two Viagra pills walked into a bar

They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What...

Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

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Cock fighting is legal in Minnesota.

As long as you don't use chicken's.

I know it's an old one, but there was a cock fight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

A guy goes to heaven ...

and he meets God. God says "You were a good person, come with me" God takes him to what looks like a festival. As they get closer, he hears gunshots. He turns and aske God what this is. He replies "Well, since you were a good person, and did not sin once in your life, you get to commit one sin, f...

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

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