Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

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By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.

" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. "
(Leviticus 20: 13)

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office

After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think...

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

IHOP is allowing all Mexican men in the U.S. legally to show ID and get 10% off.

It's their new señor citizen discount.

Today, my stepdad told me he's becoming my legal parent.

Me: I'm adopted??

Stepdad: Hi adopted, I'm dad.

Yesterday, I legally changed my name to "Void"

Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

Did you hear about the criminal with a fetish for legal procedures?

He got off on a technicality.

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

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Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

Who's your true friend?

A doctor always secretly wishes you fall sick.

A lawyer secretly wishes you screw up and end up in legal trouble.

A plumber secretly wishes you have a leaking faucet.

An electrician secretly wishes that you have a trip circuit.


ONLY A THIEF, secretly wishes and prays ...

A mother is concerned that her son isn't making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living

And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away.

So he would buy a new car on lo...

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

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So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

The decision ...

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

Legally speaking the Trump proposition of buying the Greenland from Denmark...

is a weird borderline-case.

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

Adult site: You must be of legal age to view the contents of this site. What year were you born?

12 year old me playing it safe: 1645

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

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In Pennsylvania, you legally cannot catch a fish with your mouth...

...but that doesn’t stop me from eating pussy.

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A young man goes to confession

He says "Father, I have sinned."

The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?"

The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend"

Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally"

"But Father, that's not the worst of it. They...

Me: That actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed last week! Reece... Reece... whatshername...Reece....

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No, with a knife.

(Courtesy of QI.)

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

In a courtroom one morning

Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery. He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.

However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the cha...

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

It is now legal to park bovines with foot coverings in motorcycle parking spaces.

They're officially labeled as Cowasockies.

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Cock fighting is legal in Minnesota.

As long as you don't use chicken's.

I know it's an old one, but there was a cock fight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

I wanted a place to put my USDA inspected chicken strip so i bought a wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

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You know why they only sell penis enlargement pills legally?

Because they don't sell well on the black market.

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Any legal experts here?

So there is an expensive international Amphibian Show. You have been preparing for this show all year, and you have one main prize frog and another frog you just have as a backup insuring against the first one being hurt or something. The day comes, but now this first frog gets injured so you are tr...

What do you call a vacuum that interferes with the legal system?

Obsuction of justice

My cat isn’t a huge Boston Legal fan.

She doesn’t like that James Spader.

With cannabis now legal in my country, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed. For example, after smoking...

...you have less weed.

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter?

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army h...

I love that marijuana is now legal in Canada.

It's really dope.

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In Japan, people are now legally allowed to have 3 maternal guardians.

Here in the states, however, we don't get Mother 3.

Now that Marijuana is legal in Canada, I decided to get job in the industry.

So far it's a pretty kushy place to work.

Why is it legal to download America?

Because it's royalty free.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye.

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

So I went to a courtroom for a trial

Judge: State your name

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You're Not Guilty?

Me: \*moonwalks the hell out of there\*

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

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The millennium is now legal.

Who wants to be the first person to fuck time itself?

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My dick is so small

Walking naked downtown is even considered legal.

What do you call an online lawyer

E-legal

Nepal is furious at Canada for legalizing weed...

Because Canada has just taken their spot as highest nation on the planet.

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