UPJOKE
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Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

Didn't that actress from Legally Blonde once eat cereal with a fork?

No wait- she ate Reese With a spoon

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

Did you know that necrophilia is legal in some places?

I wouldn't be caught dead there!

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

Abortions should be safe, legal and rare.

However, I am willing to accept medium rare or even medium as long as they are well seasoned.

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How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion?

Trespass.

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute?

The court of A-peels

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

How do you legalize quack?

You start by passing a bill!

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

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Writing a book called "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck". Will I get into legal trouble?

The difference is subtle.

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?

A reeferendum.

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

Flux Capacitor

Part of me feels really bad about this. I mean he's only a kid. He's really too young to understand what I did to him. But do it to him I did. I 121G’d the lad.

I went into an O’Reilly’s store last week to pick up some wiper blades. I had this young kid helping me. He made a comment about how...

My legal name is 0100110

but you can call me Codey.

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

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For years I’ve been looking for barley legal Jewish porn..

Turns out the proper term is, Yiddish and skittish.

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her

(it's my cake day... take er easy)

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

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A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases.

Though he got off on a technicality.

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. ..

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
...

[OC] Justin Bieber wanted to go on vacation and not be recognised by anyone, so he totally changed his look. He even legally changed his name:

Justin Case.

It's really tough being in a legal battle with Mclaren..

It turns out they never settle..

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

How do you say, "Not yet at the legal age of consent." in Chinese?

Tu Yung

What is both legal and cool, pleasant and healthy, free and highly profitable, securing and freeing - all in one, and is available only today?

Voting in USA

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

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Cletus goes to court

The judge says, "Now Cletus, you're bein' charged with bestiality. That's a fancy legal word for all the horses, cows, pigs, goats, rabbits, sheep and chickens you been fuckin."

Cletus jumps to his feet and shouts "CHICKENS?!?!"

Why are women legally obliged to cook for their husbands?

Because by the Geneva convention, all prisoners need to be fed and maintained in dignified conditions.

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin

And they say marijuana isn’t a gateway drug...

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Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

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A man stands before a judge, requesting to change his name

The judge asks "What's your current legal name?"

"Joe Shitter," the man says.

"I can see why you'd want to change it," the judge says.

"Yeah, everyone's always coming up to me saying, 'Whattya know, Joe.'"

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

Garda

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than that Irish cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at th...

On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console?

Wednesday.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

I hope Snoop Dogg lives long enough to see weed completely legal in the US.

Otherwise, he’ll be rolling in his grave.

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

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I think I just found an old Bruce Lee TV series - on pornhub of all places.

Apparently he stars as a lawyer who can only appear in court naked. It was called Bare Lee Legal Asian.

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

Did you know it's legal to use lethal force on babies that keep you up at night?

I mean, they are resisting a rest.

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

How did a man buy a house with a chicken finger?

It was legal tender

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

A student is failing his classes, so he goes to the teacher with a bet

"I will tell you a riddle. You have an entire week to solve it. If you do, I am giving you 500€, if you don't, you give me an A"

"I accept"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The teacher thinks and thinks the entire week, but d...

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office

After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think...

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

But apparently that's not legal Tinder.

Yesterday, I legally changed my name to "Void"

Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

The original joke was in French but I'll try my best

A French boy comes home from school quite frustrated and decides to speak to his father. "Dad," he said

"Yes son?" his dad replied.

"Today, one of my friends from Burundi called me an idiot. He said we colonised his country. What does that mean?"

"It means we invaded his country...

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

I finally got a name change!

My name is now legally Joe, but for some reason people stopped taking me seriously.





They think I’m Joe King

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