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Legal Jokes

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

What happened after God legalized weed?

Prophets were at an all-time high

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

Im okay with pot being legalized.

But cocaine is…where I draw the line.

Legal Opinion?

It has been so long since I have carried cash that I forgot to take the change out of my pockets before washing them.

Does that make me a money launderer?

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

A man visits a lawyer and asks “How much do you charge for legal advice?”

The lawyer says “I’ll answer three questions for $500.”

The man says “Don’t you think that’s rather expensive?”

The lawyer says “Yes. What’s your third question?”

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Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

My legal name is 0100110

but you can call me Codey.

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her

(it's my cake day... take er easy)

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

Did you hear about the two astronauts involved in a legal dispute?

They agreed to orbitration.

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

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Whats the difference between Alex Murdaugh's Legal Team and a Prostitute

A Prostitute always gets her client off!

Did you know that necrophilia is legal in some places?

I wouldn't be caught dead there!

What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?

The Santa Clause

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

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How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion?

Trespass.

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

Never eat the calamari at the free legal benefit

That's squid pro quo

Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute?

The court of A-peels

How do you legalize quack?

You start by passing a bill!

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

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so i'm about to be a legal adult,

and i have a lot of things to make up my mind about. like masturbation, for example. because on one hand, it feels good...

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

Didn't that actress from Legally Blonde once eat cereal with a fork?

No wait- she ate Reese With a spoon

Legal but not Logical

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, ...

The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also ...

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

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A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words w...

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin

And they say marijuana isn’t a gateway drug...

It's really tough being in a legal battle with Mclaren..

It turns out they never settle..

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For years I’ve been looking for barley legal Jewish porn..

Turns out the proper term is, Yiddish and skittish.

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

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The millennium is now legal.

Who wants to be the first person to fuck time itself?

What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?

A reeferendum.

Why are women legally obliged to cook for their husbands?

Because by the Geneva convention, all prisoners need to be fed and maintained in dignified conditions.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

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Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

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Cock fighting is legal in Minnesota.

As long as you don't use chicken's.

I know it's an old one, but there was a cock fight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

How do you say, "Not yet at the legal age of consent." in Chinese?

Tu Yung

Any legal experts here?

So there is an expensive international Amphibian Show. You have been preparing for this show all year, and you have one main prize frog and another frog you just have as a backup insuring against the first one being hurt or something. The day comes, but now this first frog gets injured so you are tr...

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

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Writing a book called "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck". Will I get into legal trouble?

The difference is subtle.

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

Yesterday, I legally changed my name to "Void"

Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

Why will a car made out of cheese never be street legal?

Because it always has the right of whey.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

We need to keep bump stocks legal...

How else are the blind going to shoot?

Why is it legal to download America?

Because it's royalty free.

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office

After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think...

Today, my stepdad told me he's becoming my legal parent.

Me: I'm adopted??

Stepdad: Hi adopted, I'm dad.

Now that Canada legalized weed...

there's a whole lot of Canadians bakin

Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam

A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have ...

What do you get when you legalize polygamy in Alabama?

Sister wives

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

What do bosses who pay their employees minimum wage and middle aged men who date eighteen year olds have in common with each other?

Both would go for lower if it were legal.

Hellen Keller had legal trouble...

she missed her hearing.

Why should polygamy be legal?

Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

I love that marijuana is now legal in Canada.

It's really dope.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

Did you hear about the man with a legal fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

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It was Bob’s first day working at a store that sold EVERYTHING…

…basically if it was a marketable, legal, commodity, the store sold it. At the end of the day, the store manager came up and asked, “So, how was your first day?”

Bob: “Pretty good, I got a $200,000 sale.”

Manager: “What, how?”

Bob: “I had a guy ask where the fishing worms were, ...

On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console?

Wednesday.

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

I hope Snoop Dogg lives long enough to see weed completely legal in the US.

Otherwise, he’ll be rolling in his grave.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

My cat isn’t a huge Boston Legal fan.

She doesn’t like that James Spader.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

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