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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage

He lost his case

What did the plaintiff wear to court?

A lawsuit

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference?

Pay-per plates

Mario is in a court trial for not following traffic rules.

Judge : This is the 10th time you’ve sped at a red light this week. As a punishment you need to pay $ 1000.
Its a fine that you’ve to pay.

Mario : No, itssa not.

So I'm in court...

And the judge says "You are guilty on charge of manslaughter."

And I say "I object. I killed a woman."

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Officer: everything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law

“Titties”

Disney is looking to take the American Secret Service to court

The secret service higher ups made a decision to change how agents assigned to the president can give the president an order while under fire.

They will no longer say “Get down Mr President!”

Instead it’ll be “Donald, Duck!”

I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.

Clearly he struggles with premature adjudication.

A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.

Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what's your name

Duck1: Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, second duck, what's your name?

Duck2: Duck Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck: I was j...

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

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There are four kinds of sex.

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

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Mickey mouse goes to a divorce court

Judge : Mr.Mickey , It says here the reason for you filing for divorce against Ms.Minnie , Is because , "she is very silly ?

Mickey : No , I said i wanted to divorce her because she was fucking goofy.

Court declares social distancing rules unenforceable in Alabama

The Judge wrote in his opinion that "the entire state's population can be reasonably considered a family unit."

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Why did the factory raising grizzlies for their hides not get shut down permanently by the court?

They had a right to bear farms.

My father had five arms. He crashed his car into a guy with two heads. The case went to court but neither driver was prosecuted.

The judge said it was a freak accident.

What can I say? I enjoy going to court.

So sue me.

An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."

Officer: "That is correct."

Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"

Officer: "The floor was still wet."

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

Tony is at court trying to understand why he has $3,000 in parking tickets

Judge: It's a fine.

Tony: Itsa NOT fine!

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

Why didn’t the deaf man go to court?

Because it was a hearing

My lawyer has such a good sense of fashion, he wins every court case

He really puts on the best lawsuits.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

Why'd the chicken cross the basketball court?

The ref was calling fowls.

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What happened to the profiterole who went to divorce court?

She got full custardy.



I missed my cake day but there's my shit joke.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

Why was the capacitor in court?

It was charged with battery

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

There was a court case where a man stole a calendar

He got 12 months

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Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

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I THINK I’m In TROUBLE

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."...

An Elderly Man In Louisiana

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the po...

Did you hear about the lawyer who came to the court with an empty bag?

It was a brief case.

A Jewish woman, Mrs. Babs Goldstein, has a problem with kleptomania.

She is brought before the court for stealing. The magistrate asks her, "So, what did you steal, Mrs. Goldstein?"

"Oh your honor... it was *just* a can of peaches."

"*Just* a can of peaches, you say," says the magistrate, somewhat perturbed. "Hmmm.... How many peaches would you guess we...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

A man walks into a bar... The bartender smiles and says, "What can I get you today, bud?"

The man drunkenly says, "Pint of beer please."

Bartender pours the beer, hands it over and watches as the man gulps it down in one.

"That'll be £4 please, sir."

The man looks at him wide eyed, "I'm not paying for that, you asked me what you could get me so I took up your generou...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

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[In court] Me: Your honour, I was having sex between the hours of 10 and 11 on that day.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I just wanted to get it on the record.

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

Two old men were picked up by the cops

Two old men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and...

Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked?

Because the sign said tennis shoes only.


*edit*
Thanks for the sliver kind person

I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today.

I was at the shopping maul.

Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court?

She was framed

Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

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Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls”

They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

I was found not guilty of lying in court.

That’s per the judge not perjury.

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

A teenage couple had kids but after some time went to court for being unsuitable parents...

...the result? Tried as adults.

At the food court today, I was behind this lady arguing with a food vendor.

It seems she ate 3/4 of her food but decided she didn’t like it and insisted on a full refund. I felt bad for the young girl working the front alone, but mostly just wanted to get back to my kids, so I interrupted with the intention of offering to pay for her meal.

She turns around and sticks...

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

A skydiving company was taken to court because they let a man jump off without a parachute.

In response, the company said “We did tell him he could only do it once.”

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

A skunk walks into a courtroom in the middle of a trial.

The judge immediately shouts, "ODOUR IN THE COURT!"

trees rock

A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing. They were called to apper in court the next day

So the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight

The duck said "blowing bubbles"

So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said

"blowing bubbles".

Then the judge called up duck #3 and said l...

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

Did you hear about the fish and chip shop owner that was taken to court?

He was charged with assault and battery.

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Who was the knight appointed a trusted advisor for sexual positions in King Arthur's court?

Circumstance.

A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars...

Judge: First offender?

Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

A man goes to court after murdering both parents

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead?

Man: Guilty

Judge: I sentence you to thir...

Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court?

He didn’t want to work pro-Bono

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

A woman was charged and went to court for beating her husband with his guitar collection

The judge spoke saying "first offender" when the women chimed in saying "no, first a Gibson,then a Fender"

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Got my first date of 2020 already lined up

I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up

Did you hear John McAfee (the founder of McAfee anti-virus) is facing a court case?

The trial is expected to last 30 days.

The bad train driver

A train driver got bored during his work so decided to see how fast his train went, it went so fast the track broke and he killed someone. He got sent to court and given the death penalty by electric chair. For his final meal he chose to have a banana. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped ...

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

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I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across.....

... they were Ruthless

court

if you ever go to court, file a restraining order on every judge and then you can’t go.

Electronic Arts, the games company, have had their lawyers in court stating that:

”There not loot boxes in our games, there surprise mechanics”.

Yeah right, that's like saying:

”It's not paedophilia its early access”.

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