Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction

3 ducks appear in court

Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? ... Yes replied the duck .. I was blowing bubbles in the park and the next thing I know I'm getting arrested .. the judge looks shocked and drops all charges

Duck (b) gets called to the...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse in the divorce courts

And the judge says to Mickey
"I'm sorry Mickey I just cannot grant you a divorce as just because you think Minnie is ugly"

And Mickey says
" I didn't say she was ugly I said she was fucking Goofy"

Took Qantas to court over my missing luggage.

They lost the case.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

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A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

In court

Judge: Do your swear to speak the truth and nothing other than the truth?

Convicted: depends, if it is something super personal like, what I ate at 3 days ago, I might lie

The convicted was being accused of cannibalism

why is DNA evidence not permissible in Alabama court?

because its all the same anyway

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

Four Squirtles were in court for fighting in the park.

Judge: \*to first Squirtle\* What's your name?

First Squirtle: Squirtle

Judge: and what were you doing?

Squirtle: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: okay, that's cool.
\*to second Squirtle\* What's your name?

Second Squirtle: Squirt Squirtle

Judge: and ...

I got sent to court over a missing tuxedo

Long story short, I lost the lawsuit as well

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

What did the plaintiff wear to court?

A lawsuit

Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference?

Pay-per plates

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

Mario got taken to court

He turned out to be guilty, here is the last words of the trial.

Judge: I order to pay a $10,000 fine

Mario: why

Judge: it's a fine

Mario: [sadly] no itsa not

Mario is in a court trial for not following traffic rules.

Judge : This is the 10th time you’ve sped at a red light this week. As a punishment you need to pay $ 1000.
Its a fine that you’ve to pay.

Mario : No, itssa not.

What type of underwear do lawyers wear to court?

Legal briefs

A lawyer goes to court with no sleeves on

The judge asks "Why are you sleeveless in my court?"


The lawyer looked in straight faced and said "I have the right to bare arms sir".

So I'm in court...

And the judge says "You are guilty on charge of manslaughter."

And I say "I object. I killed a woman."

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court] judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

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A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.


He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.


"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass....

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.

Clearly he struggles with premature adjudication.

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.

Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.

A blond sits for a medical school entrance exam.

Needless to say, he failed.

These are his answers:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of painting

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Caesarean section - a district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for a lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow
...

An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."

Officer: "That is correct."

Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"

Officer: "The floor was still wet."

Don't blame me...

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H...

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

Court declares social distancing rules unenforceable in Alabama

The Judge wrote in his opinion that "the entire state's population can be reasonably considered a family unit."

A lawyer calls a dog as a witness

The Judge says “get that dog out it cannot be a witness”

The Lawyer says “Don’t worry this dog can talk I will prove it.”

The dog is sworn on to the podium and the Lawyer begins his cross examination. First he asks the dog “Good morning sir, how was the road on your way here?” The do...

Why did the factory raising grizzlies for their hides not get shut down permanently by the court?

They had a right to bear farms.

What can I say? I enjoy going to court.

So sue me.

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A man invites his friend to his club for lunch.

They arrive and go in, and there are tons of trees with vaginas on them, and a clubhouse. No tennis courts, no weight room, nothing.

His friend says to him, “what the hell is this place?”

“What, haven’t you ever been to a cunt tree club before?”

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

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A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

What do you mean women don’t have any power...

...have you ever seen a man in divorce court? It doesn’t get more helpless than that

Chad wants to divorce his wife.

He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.

He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.

The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

Tony is at court trying to understand why he has $3,000 in parking tickets

Judge: It's a fine.

Tony: Itsa NOT fine!

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

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Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident?

Small claims court

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A guy was high and was rash driving when he suddenly ran over a group of people walking on the footpath

He was later detained by the police and summoned to the court.

The judge asked him: Why did you run over the group when clearly there was a single person walking on footpath which was on other side of the road? Clearly there would have been less casualties!

The guy answers: I was gonna...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

Why didn’t the deaf man go to court?

Because it was a hearing

It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom

It’s looking like things will be settled out of court

My lawyer has such a good sense of fashion, he wins every court case

He really puts on the best lawsuits.

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What happened to the profiterole who went to divorce court?

She got full custardy.



I missed my cake day but there's my shit joke.

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court.

Why was the capacitor in court?

It was charged with battery

So I heard a lot of protestors are getting bagged by the police...

I guess they'll go to court on Trumped-up charges.

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

English man irish man and a scotsman

Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then.

The scots man said, BEER i want lots of beer to help me sleep at night to help w...

A couple makes an elaborate plan

A couple makes an elaborate plan on how they are going to run away to get married. But on the the day of the marriage the courts are closed and it turns out that they cantaloupe

Here's my attempt to translate a joke

Two friends meet each other and one of them is holding a small tennis court with two dwarfs playing. The other asks: „Man, that's cool, where did you get it?“
„Well, there's this old man sitting on the rock, and he fulfills wishes.“ answers his friend and points the way. So the guy walks there an...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

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Advice from a Rabbi

A man goes to a respected Rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi, Rabbi, I'm getting audited by the IRS and have to appear in court. Should I show up there in lowly clothes so they think I'm as poor as I say I am? or should I show up dressed my finest so they know I'm a respected businessman that you don'...

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Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

Court Appearance..

Man: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

There was a court case where a man stole a calendar

He got 12 months

Did you hear about the lawyer who came to the court with an empty bag?

It was a brief case.

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Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

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[In court] Me: Your honour, I was having sex between the hours of 10 and 11 on that day.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I just wanted to get it on the record.

Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked?

Because the sign said tennis shoes only.


*edit*
Thanks for the sliver kind person

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls”

They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

“Would you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?”

The witness tapped her chin, “I think -”

“We aren't interested in what you think,” said the attorney. “We only want the *facts*.”

The witness frowned. “I'll give...

A man is pulled over for speeding

A man is pulled over for speeding.

The officer says “Sir, did you know you were going 68mph in a 60 zone?”

The man replies “68? Uh, is there any way you could make it slightly higher? I... I think it would be funny to hear a judge say it.”
The very confused officer agrees to his r...

Take him down

In an English courtroom ....

Judge: before I pass sentence have you anything you wish to say?

Defendant: F**k all

Judge to clerk of court: What did he say!

Clerk to Judge: F**k all m’lud

Judge to clerk: He did you know, I saw his lips move.

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today.

I was at the shopping maul.

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

My Dad is a Nun

When my Dad got dragged to court and they asked if he had an occupation, he said Nun

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

I was found not guilty of lying in court.

That’s per the judge not perjury.

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

A teenage couple had kids but after some time went to court for being unsuitable parents...

...the result? Tried as adults.

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