My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court?

He didn’t want to work pro-Bono

A woman was charged and went to court for beating her husband with his guitar collection

The judge spoke saying "first offender" when the women chimed in saying "no, first a Gibson,then a Fender"

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

The judge looks at Mickey, confused. “Mr. Mouse, I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce your wife just because she’s silly.”

Mickey Mouse responds, “I never said she was silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

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A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

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I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

Isaac Newton in court

"He hit me equally as hard back your honor!"

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

What did the lawyer wear to court

Lawsuit

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman

The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"

The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."

The prosecuto...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.

The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on"

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy...

Quick, Short, Funny Court Appearance

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop's owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the rob...

My friend took Delta to court after his luggage went missing ...

He lost his case.

Youtube was taken offline by the courts today for their search algorithm was facilitating paedophelia.

Their lawyers appealed the verdict immediately. But they only got an automated answer that told them to reapply in 30 days.

A blind guy had to go to court

The Judge says “Is everyone ready for the hearing?”

The blind guys stands up and says “Well duh, it’s not like I’m going to be doing any seeing.”

Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

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(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

Did you hear the Duracell bunny was in court last week?

He was charged with battery.

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

A bus driver is on court for murdering 31 people

A bus driver is on court and being judged for running over 31 people with a bus. The judge asks the driver to explain what has happened from his vision and the following is his response.


Driver: I was driving the bus casually as I do every shift. I was going on the same route when I start...

God decided to take the devil court..

When lucifer heard the news he laughed and said, "where does the fool think he's gonna find a lawyer".

Two men stand before a court.

One has stolen a set of batteries, the other nicked a firework and exploded it in his backyard.

The first man was charged, the other one was let off.

Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

To take down a kingdom, just kill the court jester

Or as they say, go straight for the juggler.

An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.

The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

...

What did Lori Laughlin's husband say in the court hearing?

Have mercy.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 23 children and 5 adults

The judge asked the bus driver, why did you kill all those innocent people??

The bus driver looked a little sad and answered, I didnt meen to! It was by mistake!

How did it happen? Asked the judge.

Well, said the bus driver, I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the ro...

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

A man is at court

A man is at court when he asks the judge,' Your honour, what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate old fool?'

The judge replies,'I'll fine you and prevent you from ever taking a trial in front of me ever again.'

The man then asks,' What if I only thought it?'

The jud...

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Mr. John Shit goes to court to change his name

"Hello sir, how may I help you?" Asks the court clerk

"I would like to change my name."

"Very well, what is your current name?"

"John Shit."

"My god, what a horrible name. What would you like to change it to?"

"George Shit."

Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole.

So when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

If an deaf person goes to court,then it's called an

Un hearing

As a Muslim, I really appreciate the Courts upholding religious freedom

Seriously, Praise Be A Law

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

A man and his ex-wife are in court to fight over the custody of their 2 year old son.

Judge: Mrs. Jones, why do you think you should have custody of your son?

Woman: Your honor, I had to go through extreme pain to gave birth to my son and I breastfed him by myself for 24 months!

Judge: What about you sir? What do you reply to that?

Man: Your honor I only have one...

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

Three little pigs go to court

Three little pigs are in a court room in front of a judge.

The judge asks the first little pig,

“Why are you here?”

The first little pig says,

“Well, I’m here for blowing bubbles in the mud...”

The judge, rather confused, doesn’t question the little pig and moves ...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.

​

The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant ...

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

What does Twitter and the court of law have in common?

Nobody wants to hear your story unless you have money.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

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We were in court sorting out the finances in our divorce settlement.

The magistrate looks up and says "you have put down in your expenditure £1000 a month for scat sex with madame swish."

I replied "if I'm gonna have a woman shit on me every month I want to know I'm getting value for money."

A beardless knight was paying court to a queen.

The queen asks the knight whether he had fathered any children.

The knight answered that he was indeed childless, to which the queen responded :

' I do not doubt your words for a moment, for it is easy to judge from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good '

The K...

Worried about his Supreme Court confirmation, Brett Kavanaugh decided to unwind by ordering a 16 year old whiskey.

She refused to drink it.

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying, "You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her nak...

What did the Superhero wear to Court?

His Class Action Suit

Just had the following conversation in court...

Judge: State your name.


Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You’re Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

Saddam Hussein was found Guilty in a Court of Law

but he was given a suspended sentence

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

Why did Obama have a basketball court built in the white house?

So he could fake left and go right.

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Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife and I decided to divorce, at the court the lawyer asked why has this come about? I replied:

Neither of us like sucking cock.

When Grandma Goes To Court

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

A woman is being tried in court.

Judge: What was the first thing your husband told you when you woke up on the morning of the murder ?

Woman: He asked "Where am I, Cathy?"

Judge: Why that made you livid?

Woman: My name is Susan.

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

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A kid was in court for an adoption meeting he was being beaten by his parents, the judge says do you want to live with aunty mary? boy replies no she beats me as well, judge says what about uncle henry? boy again says no, judge says who do you want to live with then? boy replies Manchester United..

They can't beat any fucking one...

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What do you call a group of 12 male porn stars when they meet in a court room?

A hung jury

A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.

He received a short sentence.

At the court

Judge: Every one of your answers should be oral! So where were you on the 12 of December?

Suspect: Oral.

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One of the court jesters wanted to suck the Queen's breasts.

So he asked king's minister for advice. The minister was ready to tell him a way but wanted 50 gold coins in return. Been promised, the minister told him to put itching powder in the Queen's bra.
The next day, the queen started to itch uncontrollably. The king asked the minister for advice, who ...

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same t...

I like defending myself in court.

So sue me.

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If a lawyer is defending the porn industry in court...

...are they doing pro boner legal work?

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

A protester who shouted "Donald Trump is a moron!" in front of the White House was arrested by the secret service and given 25 years in prison.

“5 years for defamation,” the court had announced, “and an additional 20 years for leaking top-secret information.”

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[NSFW] Disney Divorce Court

Mickey and Minnie are sitting in divorce court one day. The Judge, after reading through the papers, looks to Mickey. "You claim you're wanting to divorce your wife cause she's crazy?" He asked with skepticism.

"No," said Mickey, "I want a divorce cause she's fucking Goofy."

Exchanges recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
...

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

Court Hearing in Helsinki

The judge questions the culprit:
"Where have you been in the night of the 4th November to 11th February?"

I lost a court case against a well known fabric softener company.

Yes, I fought Lenor and Lenor won

At the court

Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--

Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

What would Matthew McConaughey say if he were a judge entering a court room?

All rise, all rise, all rise.

A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

Court Custody

A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regul...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, ...