This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wash my hair with fake turds

Some call it shampoo

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What do you call a fake turd?

sham poo

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

I thought it was funny to pay hookers with fake money

I stopped laughing when my mom started complaining about counterfeit bills

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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

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A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

Rumor has it that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decided to team up with NASA to fake the moon landing together, but to make it look as realistic as possible, they urged NASA to film on location.

Compliments of Neil De Grasse Tyson

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

Some people say: Fake it 'til you Make it!

None of them are bomb technicians.

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Friends are like boobs.

Some big, some small. Some real, some fake.

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When my girlfriend left me, she told me she faked everyone of her orgasms.

What’s worse is, she was a squirter.

I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake.

I said it Israel.

I made fake Vietnamese soup.

It was faux pho.

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Fake news

A football fan in Liverpool saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Liverpool Echo says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now.

Liverpool fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a Liverpool fan."...

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

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What's another word for fake shit?

Shampoo.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

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How can you tell Donald trump has fake hair?

Is that your final answer?

>!Dude holds all press conferences next to a fucking helicopter and his hair doesn’t move!<

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What’s the difference between the first wife and the second wife?

The second wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Yo mamma so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

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All you have is your narrative, none of the bull shit you spout is even based on fact! Fake News!

Checkmate fiction novelists!

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

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My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"

I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."

The american spy

Once upon a time, an american spy who was in Russia, after a long career and for unknown reasons he decided he wants to surrender. He goes to the police, in the front office and he says

-Hello, I'm an american spy and I would like to surrender

-Well sir, do you have a gun?

-yes...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

What do you call a servant with fake teeth?

An indentured servant

My boss fake fired me once

I'm still waiting for him to tell me it was a joke

What's the difference between Biden and a slow, phony, fake, crooked, corrupt politician?

About 4 million votes.

A village was devastated by a lion's multiple attacks on the villagers.

Many hunters attempted to kill the lion but all of them became prey of the lion.

One day a hunter named Killer John (KJ) came to the village claiming that he can kill the lion. The villagers asked what are your going to do that the earlier hunters couldn't do.

KJ asked the help of vill...

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's fake, chats shit, riles up his neighbours and has the strongest army ever seen?

Gandhi from civilisation 3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realised the other day that I was using fake shit on my hair.

That's why I stopped using sham-poo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does my pair of pants and fake people have in common?

They are both full of shit.

Need some help creating fake certifications

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.

My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's ...

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That girl said she faked orgasm last night when she was with me

Jokes on her, i faked my life and personality to get laid.

What happens when you create a fake sob story on Reddit?

Karma comes back at you.

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a confession booth...

The joke is not in English but ill try to translate it the best i can.

A man goes to the church and tells the priest that he would like to confess something. They go into the booth and sit down, the guy tries to confess but he hesitates and leaves the booth. The priest tries to encourage the ...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

My friend on Facebook who always posted the stupidest things faked his death. He’s back.

Now all he does is postmortem things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

What do you call fake oranges?

Pulp Fiction

A re-purposed religious joke for current events

A man went out without a mask, and was met with glaring eyes everywhere he went. He finally got to the store when someone confronted him as he got in.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to put on a mask. It's policy to wear one when you come in" said the guard blocking the doorway.

"No! I d...

How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend never fakes her orgasms

She’s very forthcumming

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.

"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"

"It had an extra zero."

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

I faked my resume to get a glassmaking job

The interviewer saw straight through me.

What do you call a library full of fake news?

A lie-brary

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

I bought fake rocks

Shamrocks

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Two friends were talking to each other in a bar...

"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed.



"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned.



"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"

So i asked my wife the other day “did you fake it last night?”

She said “no, I was really asleep”

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

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