What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

Trump claims if he could walk on water, the fake news media would report:

"Trump can't swim"

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

What's the difference between Biden and a slow, phony, fake, crooked, corrupt politician?

About 4 million votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell Donald trump has fake hair?

Is that your final answer?

>!Dude holds all press conferences next to a fucking helicopter and his hair doesn’t move!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my diabetic friend to fake an emergency so we could get out class.

He said "Piece of Cake"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Instead of trying to determine what is fake news, people should just use a trustworthy source that is known for its accuracy and high content standards.

Personally, I get my news on Facebook, because the reporters always provide all the facts and live their ideals.

It is efficient, too. For example, in less than 5 minutes this morning, I found 9 essential oils that can cure me of my sexuality, discovered that those vaccines I had 20 years ago...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a polite way of saying fake shit?

Shampoo

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi...

What do you call a servant with fake teeth?

An indentured servant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realised the other day that I was using fake shit on my hair.

That's why I stopped using sham-poo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's fake, chats shit, riles up his neighbours and has the strongest army ever seen?

Gandhi from civilisation 3.

My boss fake fired me once

I'm still waiting for him to tell me it was a joke

What happens when you create a fake sob story on Reddit?

Karma comes back at you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"

I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: Melania Trump’s naked pics are now online

Fake nudes

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

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Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That girl said she faked orgasm last night when she was with me

Jokes on her, i faked my life and personality to get laid.

A circus owner walked into a bar.

Everyone was standing around one table. He checked what was happening. He saw a dancing duck on an upside-down bucket, and the people loved that little show.

The circus owner himself was impressed. He decided to buy the dancing duck. After a few minutes of dealing, they settled for $25,000 fo...

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The Tale of the Unlicensed Doctor

A man walks into a doctor's office one day with full garb on. Stethoscope, reflex hammer, the little ear light, the works, except none of it actually worked, seeing as they were just replicas for movies and such. He sees a lady sitting in the corner and offers to help her then and there. She says ye...

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

TIFU by getting my girlfriend a fake leather couch.

I should have known she wanted me to "pleasure" her.

Damn her and her lisp

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

A snake entered an university

Students noticed the snake in the hallway. It was weird since nobody had seen him before. The security arrived and turns out the snake had entered using a fake ID. On asking whose id it was snake replied:

"hissss...."

I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

What do you call a library full of fake news?

A lie-brary

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

What do you call fake oranges?

Pulp Fiction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend never fakes her orgasms

She’s very forthcumming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bra Sazes

Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well its time you became informed!


(A) Almost boobs.
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Doubl...

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Ec...

What do rappers and vegans have in common?

Fake beef

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. "OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear...

I faked my resume to get a glassmaking job

The interviewer saw straight through me.

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

I translated this joke from Arabic

An engineer school graduate opened a clinic. If he were able to solve the patient's problem he would charge £1000. However, if he couldn't treat the patient he would give them £5000.

The engineer was soon making more money than the real doctor's clinic nearby. The doctor was confused and deci...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

I bought fake rocks

Shamrocks

Last joke(joke3)

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him

How did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

"SIMPLE" grins the millionaire, "I faked my age".

His friends are real...

Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?

They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

So i asked my wife the other day “did you fake it last night?”

She said “no, I was really asleep”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

I've been lucky when going out to bars. I've never been given a fake number.

A wrong number sure.......but never a fake one.

I miss my fake girlfriend...

She left because I lack imagination.

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

Does Barbie come with Ken?

No, she fakes it with Ken. Barbie only comes with GI Joe.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An ImPASTA !!!



\--------------------------------------------------------------

Bet you tell at least one person, that joke :P

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.

"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"

"It had an extra zero."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A neighboring farmer tried to sell me fake manure

I called bullshit

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

I was busy talking to this guy who was a fake phone enthusiast

Turns out he was a big phoney

Fake friends suck...

You take your medication once and they leave you just like that

(I came up with this on my own but it's probably not a new joke lol)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fake Taxi

A cab driver picked up a woman and started driving her to her destination. Once arrival the driver says “OK the ride was $12 “
The woman said oh my I left my wallet at home would you want to have sex to pay you for the ride. The cab driver says damn this is the third one today, I don’t want to fu...

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

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