What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

How are fake diamonds related to Ireland?

They’re sham rocks.

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend never fakes her orgasms

She’s very forthcumming

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My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

What do you call a library full of fake news?

A lie-brary

I didn’t like the masseuse with the fake hand

She rubbed me the wrong way.

How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

I told this lady that she had drawn her fake eyebrows too far up.

She looked surprised.

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.

“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose....

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Friends are like boobs.

Some big, some small, some real and some fake.

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

The moon landing was fake

I mean it's still up in the sky

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

I faked my resume to get a glassmaking job

The interviewer saw straight through me.

Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?

They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

I miss my fake girlfriend...

She left because I lack imagination.

Did you hear about the lady that faked not being pregnant?

Turns out, she was kidding

A little girl was in a store to buy a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The shop owner said to her as a special treat you can choose another doll as well, Little girl says, can I have a GI Joe, shop owner says I thought Barbie came with Ken?, Little girl says no she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

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So this girls comes into my tattoo parlor begging to get live laugh love tattooed on her back

Normally I'd say no but she was pretty hot. Next she says she doesn't have any money.

Her: "I can pay you with my watch?"

Me: "I don't want your fake Rolex. Tell you what. I'll tattoo you if you show me your titties."

Her: "What? No way! I'm not showing you my tits. Ask for some...

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

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What do you call the space between a pair of fake breasts?

Silicon Valley

Trump was taking a walk through the Rose Garden...

The Secret Service man behind him noticed Trump pausing every once in a while in front of a Rose, grabbing something from the stem, and then putting his hand to his his mouth. Curious, he walked up to the President, whereupon he realized that the President was casually grabbing ants and eating them!...

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

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Fake Taxi

A cab driver picked up a woman and started driving her to her destination. Once arrival the driver says “OK the ride was $12 “
The woman said oh my I left my wallet at home would you want to have sex to pay you for the ride. The cab driver says damn this is the third one today, I don’t want to fu...

I've been lucky when going out to bars. I've never been given a fake number.

A wrong number sure.......but never a fake one.

a Chinese farmer...

a Chinese farmer spent all his money on seeds, but they didn't germinate--the seeds were fake.

Facing financial ruin, he decided to kill himself and his whole family, so he put rat poison into the family dinner, but they all survived--the rat poison was fake.

To celebrate the family's...

Fake friends suck...

You take your medication once and they leave you just like that

(I came up with this on my own but it's probably not a new joke lol)

So i asked my wife the other day “did you fake it last night?”

She said “no, I was really asleep”

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

I always have that dream being in a fake taxi with Charlie Brown.

It's driving me nuts.

"People always talk about how great Stephen Hawkins was. I always thought he was so pretentious. Born in London, but he always talked with that fake American accent...."

Credit- Ricky Gervais

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

What do you call a fake noodle?

An ImPASTA !!!



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Bet you tell at least one person, that joke :P

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

I saw Sir Ian McKellan handing out leaflets about how Dumbledore and Merlin were fake clones of Gandalf

I had a look at one of the leaflets, and it turned out to be the usual propagandalf

Jussie Smollett has made some scathing comments on the new indictments against him.

According to him, it’s all based on fake noose.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

How to fake your own death

Become a famous YouTuber and stop uploading for months.

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, th...

A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared...

The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.

The lady frowned and asked "How did you know?"

The man chuckled lightly and said "you used blueberry"

There’s a reason why China has so many fake items

And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.
(Best dad joke)

Absolutely true story that is not fake

In school, I had a friend named Michael Locke. Every day, me and Michael would meet up at the bus stop and ride the school bus together.

Now, one day in sixth grade I slept over at Michael's house, and I had packed a small alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, because I was a *very* heav...

What do you call the top candidates for fake chicken fingers?

Con-tenders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”



“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”



He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for...

What do you call a fake gaming console?

Pretendo Switch

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

During a conversation a friend brings up his theory about how the moon landings were faked. I give him a concerned look.

I say “you believe in the moon?”

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

What are the stores called that sell fake IKEA replicas?

LIKEA

My wife asked me if I knew how to spot a fake beach

Faux shore

Tim Cook joked about Trump getting his name wrong. Trump claimed it was fake news. Shows a lot about their character...

But that's comparing apples and oranges

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Old man

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs ...

Went to WW3 with the squad

And we got shot. I thought this was supposed to be a fake Wrestling competition.

What do you call a fake Willem Dafoe?

Willem DaFaux

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

That old woman in a fake fur coat who had ink thrown on her really had it coming!

Does she even know how many innocent fauxes have been murdered to make that coat?

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out.

And they like being in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fake noodle

An Impasta!!!
Sorry lol

Edit- getting lots of downvotes. I get it, it's a stupid joke but i'm just trying make people laugh. Maybe even chuckle a little bit:) hope everyone is having a good day and if your day was shitty I hope it gets better:)

Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.

"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"

"It had an extra zero."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

What do call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Sorry, just wanted to copypasta.

A friend said the moon landing was faked so I stopped talking to him.

What kind of idiot still believes in the moon

[OC] Why do rappers wear so much fake gold?

Faux show.

[NSFW] What's the worst thing that can come from Fake News?

Religion.

Had a fake ID made.

Now i have an extra identity, Justin Case.

What were Donald Trumps last words before he was hanged?

"Fake noose, folks!"

The moon landings were faked…

But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.

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