What do you call a fake opera singer?

Placebo Domingo

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Friends are like boobs

some are real some are fake

Faking it

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."

What's the alternative name for Fake Taxi??

Screw Driver

Your mama is so ugly

The world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

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Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

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What do you call a fake turd?

sham poo

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I wash my hair with fake turds

Some call it shampoo

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A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

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An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

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A nice christmas tree

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holiday and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to ...

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Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

Volcanos never fake an eruption!

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

What Queen song does a fraudulent cheesemaker sing?

I want to fake Brie.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

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What makes the worst sex joke?

When the other person fakes the laugh.

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When my girlfriend left me, she told me she faked everyone of her orgasms.

What’s worse is, she was a squirter.

I made fake Vietnamese soup.

It was faux pho.

Some people say: Fake it 'til you Make it!

None of them are bomb technicians.

My son just walked into the room,

And he asked me “ father why do people lie about what their children say on Facebook? All the scenarios are completely fake!”
And I responded “ holy hell! My dog can talk!”

Trump claims if he could walk on water, the fake news media would report:

"Trump can't swim"

I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake.

I said it Israel.

Mental hospital

The doctor is having a test on his patients to see if they are already fit to go back on their normal lives.

So the doctor drew an imaginary door using crayons on a big wall to see if the patients can distinguish a real door or not.

Then the doctor said "Who wants to go outside?" point...

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Fake news

A football fan in Liverpool saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Liverpool Echo says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now.

Liverpool fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a Liverpool fan."...

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?

To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.

I recently read an article about a woman in Texas unable to abort her baby with a condition called anencephaly. Anencephaly is when you are born without a brain, however the article falsely reported that the condition is always fatal.

This is fake news. Greg Abbot is one notable person born with this condition to have survived all the way to adulthood. He even holds a position as Governor of Texas.

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How can you tell Donald trump has fake hair?

Is that your final answer?

>!Dude holds all press conferences next to a fucking helicopter and his hair doesn’t move!<

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What's another word for fake shit?

Shampoo.

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

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All you have is your narrative, none of the bull shit you spout is even based on fact! Fake News!

Checkmate fiction novelists!

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

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My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"

I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

What do you call a servant with fake teeth?

An indentured servant

My boss fake fired me once

I'm still waiting for him to tell me it was a joke

What's the difference between Biden and a slow, phony, fake, crooked, corrupt politician?

About 4 million votes.

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

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What’s the difference between the first wife and the second wife?

The second wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

Need some help creating fake certifications

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.

My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's ...

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I realised the other day that I was using fake shit on my hair.

That's why I stopped using sham-poo.

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What's fake, chats shit, riles up his neighbours and has the strongest army ever seen?

Gandhi from civilisation 3.

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That girl said she faked orgasm last night when she was with me

Jokes on her, i faked my life and personality to get laid.

What happens when you create a fake sob story on Reddit?

Karma comes back at you.

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What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

TIFU by getting my girlfriend a fake leather couch.

I should have known she wanted me to "pleasure" her.

Damn her and her lisp

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

My friend on Facebook who always posted the stupidest things faked his death. He’s back.

Now all he does is postmortem things.

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

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My girlfriend never fakes her orgasms

She’s very forthcumming

The american spy

Once upon a time, an american spy who was in Russia, after a long career and for unknown reasons he decided he wants to surrender. He goes to the police, in the front office and he says

-Hello, I'm an american spy and I would like to surrender

-Well sir, do you have a gun?

-yes...

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

What do you call fake oranges?

Pulp Fiction

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

What do you call a library full of fake news?

A lie-brary

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

A village was devastated by a lion's multiple attacks on the villagers.

Many hunters attempted to kill the lion but all of them became prey of the lion.

One day a hunter named Killer John (KJ) came to the village claiming that he can kill the lion. The villagers asked what are your going to do that the earlier hunters couldn't do.

KJ asked the help of vill...

I bought fake rocks

Shamrocks

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A guy walks into a confession booth...

The joke is not in English but ill try to translate it the best i can.

A man goes to the church and tells the priest that he would like to confess something. They go into the booth and sit down, the guy tries to confess but he hesitates and leaves the booth. The priest tries to encourage the ...

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

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