UPJOKE
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Fake Jokes

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

What do you call a fake Mongolian?

A Khan artist!

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

Epstein didn't kill himself

Fake noose

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

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Did you hear about the Japanese man who faked his death?

His wife didn’t bereave him.

Gastroenterology Jokes

Looking for good GI jokes. That’d make a GI doctor laugh!

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Good ones I have

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A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon

It was a week before I realised you have to eat them

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what do you call a fake gluten intolerance?

a sill...

In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Two guys are talking about what the are got their wives for their birthdays…

…and one of them say he got his wife a five karat Diamond ring.

And his buddy says, “That’s nice, but I thought she wanted a Lexus?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know where to buy a fake Lexus.”

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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David sets up Andy to go on a blind date

David sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Melissa, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly? What do I do if we don't connect" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." D...

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor. An older woman approaches her and asks
"I thought that Barbie came with Ken, not Thor?"

The little girl replies

"Nope. She comes with Thor. She just fakes it with Ken"

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

Happy St Patrick’s Day! If you can’t kiss the Blarney Stone for luck just use a fake stone…

Any “sham rock” will do.

Counterfeiters

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t kno...

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

Donald Trump was asked "what comes after the letter b in alphabet"

Folks, let me tell you, this is a great question. It's a huge question, it's tremendous. Just last day a decorated veteran with tears in his eyes came to me and asked" sir, please sir, can you answer what comes after the letter b in alphabet?". And let me tell you, the answer is a big deal. It's a b...

What do you call someone trying to fake Italian heritage?

An impasta

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

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Real or fake?

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holidays and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to...

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

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Friends are like boobs

some are real some are fake

I thought I'd bought a couple wildebeests

But alas - fake gnus

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Porn is a lot like pro wrestling...

All of it is exciting at first, and it's great to watch when you're free, but when you know how much of it is fake, it gets boring fast.

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A joke my dad told me

There is this guy who is horny and wants to call a prostitute.
He search online and comes across a special one.
"First in the world, can sing the national anthem while giving you a blowjob !"
So the guys is intrigued, and proceeds to call the lady.
They meet at a hotel and the guy lay...

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

A man's broken fence

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be...

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What's similar between boobs and Christmas trees?

When you see really nice ones, you can't tell if they're real or fake.

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We’ve had a breakthrough!

A tortoise makes an appointment with his therapist

“How’s everything going?”, she asks him.

“Oh, you know, same old… can’t get laid to save my life. My mom’s crazy, she says I’m a shut-in, that I should get out more. But I know these fake turtle bitches are all full of plastic, they e...

what does an airplane and a fake blonde have in common?

they both have a black box

Fake out clean jokes

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ...

Hollywood is fake!

Its all paid actors

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

A friend told me that there is a place the celebrities go after they fake their deaths. Michael Jackson is there. Elvis. Tupac.

I thanked him for telling me about this

He replied "No Biggie."

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

During Jimmy’s turn with Santa they have a tense interaction at the end of which Santa shouts “NO!!!!” at Jimmy and storms off leaving the kids angry and crying.

When parents ask him what went down between them Jimmy says it was going well till Santa asked him who his favorite president was and he told him it was Obama. So Santa asked him for his next favorite president on and on and Jimmy diligently answered one by one - Abraham Lincoln, JFK, The Roosevelts...

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them.

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th...

A mildly perceptive man is confused for being psychic

One day a man was bored and decided to see if he could trick people into thinking he was psychic.

He setup a booth on a busy street with a sign. "$1 to read your mind."



His first customer, a slightly chubby man, looked skeptical.

"Ok, tell me something about me."

...

You know what you can't see from space?

The Chinese wall. That's fake news.


But you know what you can see from space? Selenskyj's huge balls

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I went to the fortune teller…

She said, “yooo vill have zeee tained soul.”

Annoyed at another fake fortune, I paid her, left, then stepped on a turd.

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose

Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring.

She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"

I told her, "They don't make fake cars."

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It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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