Two eggs were boiling in a pot...

One egg says "hey you wanna see my crack"?

The other egg says "Don't tease me I ain't hard yet!"

Rest in peace boiling water

You will be mist

What do you call a clown after you've boiled it for 10 hours?

A laughing stock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel room kettles.

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!

But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.

Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won’t stop boiling chickens.

She likes the stock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

A man goes to the hospital with horrible burns all over his feet

The doctors ask "how did this happen"? He replies "The instructions on the can said "before opening, stand in boiling water for five minutes."

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

Why did the blonde student boil her assignment?

She wanted to get 100 percentigrade.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

How do you make holy water

You boil the hell out of it

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to the hell. As usual, he gets a tour from the devil to know, where he actually came to.

They visit a first room with many tables and people are playing all the card games in a big style.
The man asks, what is going on and the devil explains: "Those are people, who got ...

That’s a smart dog

Two farmers are in town talking about how smart their dogs are:
1st farmer yells out: “Dog! Get me the paper”
His dog races off down the street to the local news agency, gets the daily paper drops it in his owners hand and sits down.
“Not bad” says the 2nd farmer.
“Bluey, I’m hungry” he...

What do you get when you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies!

Happy easter everyone

I saw my doctor yesterday.

I dropped my pants to show him this big boil on my bottom.


He wasn't the least bit interested, just carried on pushing his

trolley round the supermarket.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

When I was in prison, they used to call me 'Boils'...

Cuz' I was always breakin' out.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

Why does a teapot whistle when it’s boiling?

Because it’s telighted!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

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How do cannibals cook pornstars?

They boil the fuck out of them

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom pronounces “boil” like “bull”

Needless to say, that southern twang is boilcrap

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

I was gonna make a cup of tea

But it took oolong to boil

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says ...

I met someone with a fake boil on their face.

I wasn't sure how they made it, or what it con-cysted of.

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...

Now it’s wholly water

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese chef ask to his boiling noodles?

Udon yet?

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

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