UPJOKE
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What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

A laughing stock

RIP boiling water

RIP boiling water, you will be
mist.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I don’t know if I can get hard, I got laid this morning.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

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I took a few pages from Moby Dick and boiled them to see what it tasted like.

It was just okay, but I might not do it again. It was a novel tea.

Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

Why should you always melt chocolate over boiling water?

Because if you try and melt it under boiling water, you’ll die.

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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

What do you call a clown after you've boiled it for 10 hours?

A laughing stock!

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until its Bill Withers.

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You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel room kettles.

I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!

But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.

how do you make holy water?

HOLY WATER

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: You boil the hell out of it!

Two cannibals are discussing life…

One asks the other who was recently married, “Hey, how’s the married life treating you?”. The other cannibal says, “Not too bad, but my wife doesn’t know how to cook!”. The other cannibal says, “I just got a new cookbook. I’ll loan it to you. Give it a try!”.

A few weeks pass, and the first...

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

The Rabbit starts running in the forest...

As he runs past a tree, he meets the Bear shooting himself with heroine.
-Why are you ruining your life, dear Bear?-asks the Rabbit.-Lets run together!
Now they are running along, but as they run more and more, they meet the Fox, who is boiling some crack.
-Why are you shortening your life,...

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won’t stop boiling chickens.

She likes the stock.

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

The neighbourhood kids just invited me to a waterfight!

I'm just submitting this post while the kettle boils.

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

Why did the blonde student boil her assignment?

She wanted to get 100 percentigrade.

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

Did you hear the one about the stoned proverbialist?

He watched his pot waiting for it to boil.

You Know It's Hot When ...

Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
Catfish are already fried when caught ...
Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ...

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

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Two friends get their own horses but don't know how to seperate which is whose.

Friend 1: Since we don't know to to seperate them. We should cut the tail off of one of them. I'll take the one with the tail and you take the one without it.

Friend 2 agrees. So they cut the tail of one of the horses and each take one.

The next morning, both friends wake up and find o...

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stalin is in a huge auditorium giving a speech,

when from somewhere near the front of the crowd comes a DEAFENING sneeze, cutting him off. In a booming voice Stalin asks, "WHO DID THAT?"

No reply.

Stalin orders the entire front row to be taken outside and executed. Thereafter he continues his speech, until another ear-splitting ACHO...

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

A man walks into his kitchen and sees an Old Priest

The man greeted the priest and said "Good morning, Father. May I know what you are doing in my kitchen?"

The priest replied "Good morning, child. Forgive me for not asking first, but I need to use your stove in order to quickly make holy water for this morning's baptism."

Intrigued by ...

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says ...

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

I met someone with a fake boil on their face.

I wasn't sure how they made it, or what it con-cysted of.

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

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My mom pronounces “boil” like “bull”

Needless to say, that southern twang is boilcrap

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

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