UPJOKE
seethesimmercookbakeskilletabscesschurnroilmoilfurunclechangeobesityboiling pointtemperatureferment

Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What do you get when you boil a clown?

A laughing stock.

Rest in peace boiling water

You will soon be mist

Why should you always melt chocolate over boiling water?

Because if you try and melt it under boiling water, you’ll die.

Two eggs were boiling in a pot...

One egg says "hey you wanna see my crack"?

The other egg says "Don't tease me I ain't hard yet!"

What do you call a clown after you've boiled it for 10 hours?

A laughing stock!

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Struggles of passwords

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at ...

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

How do they make Holy water

Boiling the Hell out of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel room kettles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!

But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won’t stop boiling chickens.

She likes the stock.

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

Why did the blonde student boil her assignment?

She wanted to get 100 percentigrade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

What do you get when you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies!

Happy easter everyone

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

Dihydrogen Monoxide is a complex term that can confuse many people

But to make it simple, it really just boils down to steam.

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

I met someone with a fake boil on their face.

I wasn't sure how they made it, or what it con-cysted of.

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says ...

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

Why does a teapot whistle when it’s boiling?

Because it’s telighted!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a cannibal walks into a church..

And the priest says to him,

"Ah so you seek to convert?"

And the cannibal says

"No I just got food poisoning from some of your missionaries, I've roasted them and baked them. Hell we've also boiled a few but we still keep getting the shits!"

The priest nods knowingly a...

There was a hen that had fever

she laid boiled eggs

What it all boils down to ...

is evaporation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

A genie offered a man 1 wish. All the genie asked in return was for the man to boil some water and make him a tea. But the man refused.

The man decided the price was to steep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese chef ask to his boiling noodles?

Udon yet?

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

Do you know why you should never boil vegetables?

Because the wheelchair might rust

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...

Now it’s wholly water

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

This fat lady has a big inflamed suppurating boil on her crotch.

She calls the doctor, but the receptionist tells her that the doc is booked up for a week solid. “What you can do though, ” she tells the lady, “is to call this guy I know, Pete’s Abscess Sucking Service.” So the lady calls Pete who says he can be right over. He arrives, looks at the boil and quotes...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.