If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I met someone with a fake boil on their face.

I wasn't sure how they made it, or what it con-cysted of.

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel kettles.

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

I can never find a good channel where people boil eggs

They're always scrambled

What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?

Might take me awhile to get hard I just got laid by a chick!

I tell you what makes my blood boil,

faulty spacesuits.

Do you know why you should never boil vegetables?

Because the wheelchair might rust

What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes?

A leperd

The nurse who kept getting it backwards

Man visits a friend in the hospital only to find the other patients in the ward looking a bit odd. "Lucy, what's going on with the other patients today?" said the man to his other half.

"Oh it's the new nurse" said Lucy, "She just keeps getting things the wrong way round! See that man over t...

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

A guy goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him "I'm sorry sir but you only have 3 minutes left to live." The guy says "My god doc, is there anything you can do for me?" and the doctor replies "Well, I could boil you an egg."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you have to leave cannabutter alone to let it steep overnight?

Because a watched pot never boils.

Father's Day coming up... let's hear your best dad joke!!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

what do the jokes mean

what do you call eggs sleeping?

breakfast in bed

what day do eggs hate?

fry day

why can’t you play cards with a hard boil egg?

they hard to beat

where do eggs go on holiday?

to a chick-inn

Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her.

She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, bu...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

What is a diver's pet peeve?

The bends.

It really makes his blood boil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

What do you call a crustacean that’s bad at pitching?

A lobster, but what it really boils down to is his claws being tied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?

Boil some at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop. Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch. As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly." The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.

The next da...

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

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