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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

Rest in piece the Boiling Water…

It will be mist

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

What do you get when you boil a clown?

Laughing stock

I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!

But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won’t stop boiling chickens.

She likes the stock.

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

Why did the blonde student boil her assignment?

She wanted to get 100 percentigrade.

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

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The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

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How do cannibals cook pornstars?

They boil the fuck out of them

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

A boil killed itself.

It was a cyst did suicide.

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

What do you get when you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies!

Happy easter everyone

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

What it all boils down to ...

is evaporation.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

Why does a teapot whistle when it’s boiling?

Because it’s telighted!

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "I...

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

Donald Trump walks into a doctor's office with an enormous red boil on his head.

The doctor says, “My God, why didn’t you come sooner?”
The boil says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

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How do you make virgin olive oil?

You boil the fuck out of it.

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You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel kettles.

How to win a waterfight:

Step 1: boil the kettle

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

You guys had three stimulus checks to fix that AC and you chose crab legs

Look who’s boiling now

A watched pot never boils

but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses

I met someone with a fake boil on their face.

I wasn't sure how they made it, or what it con-cysted of.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...

Now it’s wholly water

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says ...

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

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Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

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Two eggs boiling in a pot.

One says, bloody hot in here, the other one says,

wait till you get out, they bash your fucking brains in.

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What did the Japanese chef ask to his boiling noodles?

Udon yet?

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?

Boil some at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

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