UPJOKE
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Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

What’s better than a German microwave?

A Dutch oven!

What's the difference between a microwaved sweet potato and a ham thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

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What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown the meat.

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner

Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.

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I sexually identify as a microwave meal...

I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

What do you call someone who microwaves hot dogs?

Frank Zappa

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and...

What do you call a short person waving at you?

Microwave

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

I like my girlfriends like i like my microwaves!

Cool on the outside Hot on the inside and kills every baby i put in there.

If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...

The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

Why cant you surf microwaves

They are too small

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The difference between anal sex and a microwave...

Is that anal sex will brown your meat without cooking it.




Credit to u/megalultra9 for commenting it on another subreddit.

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food without inflation.

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

Relapse

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to sto...

Girl, are you a microwave?

Because mmmmmmmmmmmmm

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

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One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

Microwave be like

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

They don’t like conventional ovens.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

What does dwarf do when you throw him into water

Microwaves

A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

My microwave asked me why I was walking around with a gun...

I told it becuase of the CIA...

It laughed, I laughed, my wife laughed...

I shot my wife...

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

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