Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

How do you make a soul singer out of a duck?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

Did you know that when a short person waves at you...

It’s called a microwave

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Crappy joke

Hey girl, are you a microwave? Cause you got me goin, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ding!"

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A microwave gave birth to 2 identical twins.

They had no phase difference.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

Do you know when 90 is more than 120?

Just start the microwave already, i dont have time for this.

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

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A guy is grocery shopping...

...and the only items he brings to the register are microwave dinners, beer, and toilet paper.

The girl ringing him up scans the items and says to him "single, huh?"

The guy, thinking she's being funny, smiles shyly and says "yeah how'd you guess?"

She pauses before replying..."...

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

Why do dwarfs surf in the kitchen

Because there are microwaves

Yo momma so dumb

she tried to surf the microwave

A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blond...

A guy from Florida wanted to buy a Television..

A guy from Florida wanted to buy a television, so he went to a shop, located in Texas.

He asked the shopkeeper, "Hey! How much for that television?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Sorry, we don't sell items to people from Florida."

Dejected, he goes to a stylist and gets dressed and s...

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

A Blonde walked into a electronics store...

She came in the shop and asked for a Tv. The man asked her which one. She pointed to the one she thought was cheapest. Instantly the guard said "No blondes allowed".

The next day she came in wearing a red wig. She did the exact same thing and the guard kicked her out again.

The 3rd d...

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"?

Because she liked to put it in the microwave.

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says t...

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What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

One browns your meat.

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So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...

He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Eve...

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You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

A blonde enters an electronics store...

She goes to the store owner and asks him to sell her the TV she picked.

He refuses, telling her that he can't sell the TV to a Blonde.

She comes back the next day, after dyeing her hair black, and asks him the same question. He again tells her that he can't sell the tv to a Blonde.
...

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

What’s the opposite of a Microwave?

A Tsunami.

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A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

So a blonde wants to buy a new tv

So she gets to the store and picks the tv she likes but then a member of staff stops her and says: "sorry we dont sell to blondes", more confused than offended she walks out the store.

When she got home she thought of a plan that will allow her to buy a tv: to dye her hair black.
So the ne...

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

What washes up on very small beaches?

Microwaves

What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

A blonde walks into a thrift store

And says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy that tv right there." The clerk says "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde grunts, and then walks out. She comes back a week later with a red wig on and says "I'd like to buy that tv right there." The clerk says once again, "Sorry, but we don't sell to...

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes, look nothing like the picture and you can always find me in the corner store

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My dad was in the cashier line earlier today

He was buying a 6-pack of beer, and a microwaveable curry.

He noticed in front of him there was a lady buying a bottle of wine and a microwaveable Chinese meal.

He smiled at her and said “hi there, are you single?”

She replied “yes, how did you know?”

He responded “beca...

A blonde walks into Best Buy...

She approaches an associate and asks the price of a TV in the corner, but to her surprise, the associate looks at her and tells her that they don't serve blondes.

The blonde goes home and dies her hair brown, the returns to the store and asks the same question - only to get the same reply. ...

A blonde walks into a shop and asks the worker “ how much for this tv?”

The worker replies “sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she leaves, goes home and dyes her hair, and comes back to the store a brunette. She then asks the worker again “how much for this tv?”

He again replies with “sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she goes home yet again, d...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

Blonde walks into a pawn shop...

Tells the cashier she would like to purchase the TV in the corner.

With out hesitation the clerk tells the blonde that they dont sell tvs to blonde people.

Puzzled, the blonde walks out. She returns the next day with a brown wig on, and ask the owner if ahe can buy the TV in the corner...

When is 99 greater than a 100?

on a microwave

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

A blonde walks into a store

She sees a TV within her price range and tells the salesperson "I'd like to buy this TV"

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

She decides to go home and dye her hair black and returns the next day to buy the TV.

Once again.. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

Desperate ...

Do you know why I don't eat at Applebees or Chilis?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food.

First Pancake

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother, who was also a Sund...

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir, I would like to buy that television over there"

"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies

Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door

She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her

"Sorry ma'am we...

I used to eat at Applebees

then I got enough money to buy my own microwave.

[Blonde] A blonde enters a shop...

And asks whats the price of that TV over there, and guy who works there says: sorry we dont serve blondes.
She goes back home and dyes her hair in black.
Next day she goes again to the same shop and asks again: whats the price of that TV over there? Guy says again, sorry we dont serve blondes....

Do you know why surfers eat their food cold?

Because they don't like microwaves.

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

I tried to quit cold turkey...

but then my microwave broke.

What goes round and round and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner come...

How did the two microwaves greet each other?

They 'Waved' :P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(STORY JOKE) A man goes to buy a used motorcycle from a car lot

As he is wrapping up his purchase, the salesmen hands him a jar of Vaseline and reminds him that there is a leak on the seal of the gas tank lid, and to wipe the seal with Vaseline prior to any kind of rainfall.

On the way home from the car lot, he receives a call from his girlfriend.
...

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

"She puts it in, takes it out, tastes it, then puts it back in...

She really needs to change her microwave!"

*insert 4am informercial*

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life.

But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.

How do short people greet others?

They microwave.

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave.

A blonde walks into an electronics store...

and asks the manager, "How much is this TV?"

The manager says to her, "We don't sell to blondes". Furious, the blonde storms back to her home, where she threw on a black wig. She then goes back to the same store and asks the same manager, "How much is this TV?"

Once again, the manager ...

If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad.

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was behind this lady at checkout in the grocery store the other day

I was watching the items they were ringing up;

1 quart of milk
3 single serving microwave dinners
10 LB bag of cat food

She looked back at me and smiled. So I took the opportunity and said, "Hello! I bet you're single, aren't you?"

She says, " How could you know that? Jus...

If there's no God...

...then who spins the plate in microwave?

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