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Microwave Jokes

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

If you think a microwave spying on you is bad, just remember

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A tsunami.

I like women who are like microwaved Play-Doh.

Hot and non-toxic.

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner

Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

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What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown the meat.

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

I hate being locked inside a microwave

It really makes my blood boil

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

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Splashed out and finally got a microwave oven. Its one of the really high tech ones.

Its got buttons and settings for all kinds of foods, even popcorn. Its got multiple power settings and a memory.

So I got a whole frozen chicken and popped it in. Pressed "Defrost", then "Chicken" then, "1.8 kgs".

The display showed 15 minutes and I pressed "Start".

Then the mi...

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

Girl, are you a microwave?

Because mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Microwave be like

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I met this girl once who said she was like a microwave

She said if you put a baby in me ,I will kill it

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

They don’t like conventional ovens.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover"

How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

Moms Recipe for Iced Coffee

Have Kids.
Make Coffee.
Forget you made coffee.
Put it in the microwave.
Forget you put it in the microwave.
_*DRINK IT COLD*_

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

A man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken table leg

The man replys:
"my dear, am I a carpenter?"


After three days, the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken pipe in the bathroom, but the man replys:
"my dear, am I a plumber?"


After one week the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the microwave o...

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

How do angels cook meals in heaven?

They put them in the Microwave on High

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

Why can't you surf on microwaves?

Because they're too small.

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand?

A microwave.

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

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