Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

What’s better than a German microwave?

A Dutch oven!

What's the difference between a microwaved sweet potato and a ham thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Girl, are you a microwave?

Because mmmmmmmmmmmmm

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between anal sex and a microwave...

Is that anal sex will brown your meat without cooking it.




Credit to u/megalultra9 for commenting it on another subreddit.

If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...

The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

What does dwarf do when you throw him into water

Microwaves

A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

I like my girlfriends like i like my microwaves!

Cool on the outside Hot on the inside and kills every baby i put in there.

Why cant you surf microwaves

They are too small

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

What do you call when a short person waves at you?

A Microwave

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

Microwave be like

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A Tsunami.

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

What washes up on really small beaches?

Microwaves.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

I hate being locked inside a microwave

It really makes my blood boil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Splashed out and finally got a microwave oven. Its one of the really high tech ones.

Its got buttons and settings for all kinds of foods, even popcorn. Its got multiple power settings and a memory.

So I got a whole frozen chicken and popped it in. Pressed "Defrost", then "Chicken" then, "1.8 kgs".

The display showed 15 minutes and I pressed "Start".

Then the mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

They don’t like conventional ovens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

My microwave asked me why I was walking around with a gun...

I told it becuase of the CIA...

It laughed, I laughed, my wife laughed...

I shot my wife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

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