Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

What’s the opposite of a Microwave?

A Tsunami.

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What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

One browns your meat.

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

A microwave gave birth to 2 identical twins.

They had no phase difference.

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

What do you call a short guy waving at you?

A microwave.

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover"

How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

What’s it called when a short person waves?

Microwave

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

A blonde walks into a shop and asks the worker “ how much for this tv?”

The worker replies “sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she leaves, goes home and dyes her hair, and comes back to the store a brunette. She then asks the worker again “how much for this tv?”

He again replies with “sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she goes home yet again, d...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves

When is 99 greater than a 100?

on a microwave

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't se...

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

How did the two microwaves greet each other?

They 'Waved' :P

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

Because they don't like conventional ovens.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

we don't sell to blondes

A blonde goes to an electronic store and asks the salesperson, pointing at the appliance "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is angry and changes her attire and goes to the store the next day with brunette hair, she points to the app...

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

Why can't you surf on microwaves?

Because they're too small.

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

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A guy is grocery shopping...

...and the only items he brings to the register are microwave dinners, beer, and toilet paper.

The girl ringing him up scans the items and says to him "single, huh?"

The guy, thinking she's being funny, smiles shyly and says "yeah how'd you guess?"

She pauses before replying..."...

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

You put it in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

Yo momma so dumb

she tried to surf the microwave

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says t...

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

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