Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

My girlfriend is just like a microwave

She's easy to turn on, gets hot real quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it.

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

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One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

What did the microwave say to the food

MmMmMMmmmmMmmmmmmMmmMMmm

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Whats the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

Microwaves don't brown the meat.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

Damn girl,are you a microwave?

Cause mmmmmmmmmmmm

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

When a short person waves at you...

It’s a microwave.

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
...

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

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A blonde woman walks into a thrift store, grabs a tv, and goes to buy it.

She tells the cashier “excuse me sir, I’d like to buy this tv.” The cashier tells the woman “sorry ma’am, I don’t sell to blondes” the blonde woman walks out pretty pissed off, and decided that she would come back tomorrow in a wig so the cashier wouldn’t recognize her. So she comes back the next da...

Blonde goes to put her friends death in the local newspaper.

They tell her it's $1 a word, she only has $3, so she says to put in,

"Karen is dead". They feel sorry for her and tell her she can have

another 3 words for free, Put in. "Karen is dead". Microwave for sale.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Blonde walks into an Electronics store

She walks up to one of the Items and taps the nearest sales person on the shoulder “excuse me sir, how much for that TV??”
The sales person looked her up and down and said “I’m sorry ma’am but we don’t sell TV’s to blondes”
The blonde gets upset and leaves the store.
She goes home furious...

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

How did the two microwaves greet each other?

They 'Waved' :P

A blond woman walks into a electronics shop

The owner of the shops asks if he can help her and she points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ The owner says: ‘we don’t sell to blondes.’

So she leaves and comes back to the shop with a red colored wig on and points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ Again th...

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

What is Washing up on very small beaches?

Microwaves

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

Because they don't like conventional ovens.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

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Crappy joke

Hey girl, are you a microwave? Cause you got me goin, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ding!"

Do you know when 90 is more than 120?

Just start the microwave already, i dont have time for this.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

What do you call a wave that is really small?

Microwave.

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says t...

Why can't you surf on microwaves?

Because they're too small.

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