Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

A microwave gave birth to 2 identical twins.

They had no phase difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

One browns your meat.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

What’s the opposite of a Microwave?

A Tsunami.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Do you know when 90 is more than 120?

Just start the microwave already, i dont have time for this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crappy joke

Hey girl, are you a microwave? Cause you got me goin, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ding!"

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

Did you know that when a short person waves at you...

It’s called a microwave

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

A guy from Florida wanted to buy a Television..

A guy from Florida wanted to buy a television, so he went to a shop, located in Texas.

He asked the shopkeeper, "Hey! How much for that television?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Sorry, we don't sell items to people from Florida."

Dejected, he goes to a stylist and gets dressed and s...

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Yo momma so dumb

she tried to surf the microwave

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

How did the two microwaves greet each other?

They 'Waved' :P

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is grocery shopping...

...and the only items he brings to the register are microwave dinners, beer, and toilet paper.

The girl ringing him up scans the items and says to him "single, huh?"

The guy, thinking she's being funny, smiles shyly and says "yeah how'd you guess?"

She pauses before replying..."...

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says t...

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

Why do dwarfs surf in the kitchen

Because there are microwaves

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

My microwave asked me why I was walking around with a gun...

I told it becuase of the CIA...

It laughed, I laughed, my wife laughed...

I shot my wife...

A blonde goes shopping..

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blond...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

Because they don't like conventional ovens.

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

A Blonde walked into a electronics store...

She came in the shop and asked for a Tv. The man asked her which one. She pointed to the one she thought was cheapest. Instantly the guard said "No blondes allowed".

The next day she came in wearing a red wig. She did the exact same thing and the guard kicked her out again.

The 3rd d...

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...

He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Eve...

Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"?

Because she liked to put it in the microwave.

Why can't you surf on microwaves?

Because they're too small.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.