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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

What’s the difference between a microwaved sweet potato, and a thrown pig?

One’s a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

I hate being locked inside a microwave

It really makes my blood boil

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

They don’t like conventional ovens.

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A Tsunami.

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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Whats the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

Microwaves don't brown the meat.

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

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One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I’d like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I’d like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied again.

She went home and got a haircut and new color, a new outfit, big sunglasses and a big hat. She then waited a few days before s...

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

My girlfriend is just like a microwave

She's easy to turn on, gets hot real quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it.

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Splashed out and finally got a microwave oven. Its one of the really high tech ones.

Its got buttons and settings for all kinds of foods, even popcorn. Its got multiple power settings and a memory.

So I got a whole frozen chicken and popped it in. Pressed "Defrost", then "Chicken" then, "1.8 kgs".

The display showed 15 minutes and I pressed "Start".

Then the mi...

What is it called when a short person waves at you?

A microwave.

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house

I said “decepticons.”

She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.

I shot the microwave.

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

A blonde goes to buy a TV

A blonde goes to buy a TV and asks for the manager at the electronics store

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager responds “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She gets mad and leaves the store. When she gets home she gets an idea. She decides to dye her hair red and th...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

A blond walks in to a electronics store

A blonde walks in to a electronics store looking for a new tv. She found one that seemed fine and found a employee. When she showed him the tv he said: Sorry ma’am, we don’t sell to blondes

The next day she came back wearing a brown wig and another employee that she wanted the tv. again. The...

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

You are able to cook a grenade

But they should specify that it’s non-microwaveable.

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

A blonde walks into an appliance store...

A blonde walks into an appliance store. After looking around for a bit, she calls a salesman over. "How much for this TV?" She asks, the salesman replies "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde leaves the store, goes home, and dyes her hair red.

She comes back to the store the next day...

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

How do small kitchen appliances say hello to each other?

They microwave

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

God said, "Come forth, John, and you shall recieve eternal life"

John came fifth and won a microwave oven

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

A blonde in a shop .

A blonde entered a shop and had a look around . She pointed towards a television and told the salesman she wanted it . The salesman said : sadly I dont sell stuff to blondes . So the blonde walked away angrily. But she still wanted the TV so she dyed her hair red and entered the same shop . Once a...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

How did the two microwaves greet each other?

They 'Waved' :P

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

Blonde goes to put her friends death in the local newspaper.

They tell her it's $1 a word, she only has $3, so she says to put in,

"Karen is dead". They feel sorry for her and tell her she can have

another 3 words for free, Put in. "Karen is dead". Microwave for sale.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

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A blonde woman walks into a thrift store, grabs a tv, and goes to buy it.

She tells the cashier “excuse me sir, I’d like to buy this tv.” The cashier tells the woman “sorry ma’am, I don’t sell to blondes” the blonde woman walks out pretty pissed off, and decided that she would come back tomorrow in a wig so the cashier wouldn’t recognize her. So she comes back the next da...

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the dead baby in my microwave?

Isaac Newton died a virgin

Why can't you surf on microwaves?

Because they're too small.

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