What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

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The difference between anal sex and a microwave...

Is that anal sex will brown your meat without cooking it.




Credit to u/megalultra9 for commenting it on another subreddit.

Girl, are you a microwave?

Because mmmmmmmmmmmmm

What’s the difference between a microwaved sweet potato, and a thrown pig?

One’s a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Why cant you surf microwaves

They are too small

If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...

The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

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I’m returning my microwave to Amazon.

It’s been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.

Microwave be like

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A Tsunami.

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

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One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside

Ice cold on the inside

I hate being locked inside a microwave

It really makes my blood boil

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

I met this girl once who said she was like a microwave

She said if you put a baby in me ,I will kill it

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

What do you get when you put pants in the microwave?

Hot Pockets

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave

and then enter your pin number...

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

Why do hipsters only use the microwave?

They don’t like conventional ovens.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house

I said “decepticons.”

She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.

I shot the microwave.

What does a M1 Garand and a microwave have in common?

They both go ping when they're done

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover"

How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

Please answer before my wife gets home!

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

What happens when you put a nut in the microwave?

The other one gets stuck.

Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat

It could be really hot or stone cold.

A blonde goes to buy a TV

A blonde goes to buy a TV and asks for the manager at the electronics store

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager responds “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She gets mad and leaves the store. When she gets home she gets an idea. She decides to dye her hair red and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

What do you call the waves on a small beach?

Microwaves.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

What is it called when a short person waves at you?

A microwave.

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave.

The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

A Blonde goes to a shop and selects a TV for purchase.

Blonde: Hey I would like to buy that Television!

Shopkeeper: Sorry! We don't serve blondes.

*The Blonde gets furious and leaves. She comes back with a brown wig the day after.*

Blonde: I'd like to buy that Television over there

Shopkeeper: Nice try with the Wig, but we do...

They call me the microwave...

Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing.

Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?

Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I’d like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I’d like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied again.

She went home and got a haircut and new color, a new outfit, big sunglasses and a big hat. She then waited a few days before s...

You are able to cook a grenade

But they should specify that it’s non-microwaveable.

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

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