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Concert Jokes

what concert costs only 45¢?

50cent featuring Nickelback.

Stevie Wonder was doing a concert, and towards the end decided to play some requests.

A man called out, "Play a jazz chord." So Stevie played a short riff, but the man insisted: "No, no, play a jazz chord."

So Stevie played a longer riff: "No, no," said the man, "play a jazz chord."

Stevie tried again and again, until he was playing chords he'd never played in his life,...

The Vienna Boys Choir is having a special New Year’s Eve concert. At midnight there will be a ball drop and…

…all the Sopranos will become Altos.

Two little old ladies were enjoying the concert by the community orchestra in the high school gymnasium.

One asked the other if she knew the name of the piece they were playing. Her friend answered "That sign over there says it's the Refrain From Spitting."

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"




^actually ^a ^true ^story

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Faith in humanity

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

Did you hear that the band U2 gave away a free concert?

Apparently, the crowd was very Pro Bono.

How do you resuscitate someone at a rock concert?

You perform CCR!

What if there were a worldwide concert where the rich had to donate their billions or be eaten on stage?

I'd call it LiveAte.

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien

For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.

This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.

I went to a concert hosted by the Dyslexics Support Group.

Queef Latina was the headliner and they put on a hell of a show.

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

Took my kid to a classical music concert. It was a disaster

Way too much sax and violins

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

I meet a lot of people as a travelling sound engineer for concerts in Europe. I have a friend who's Ukrainian.

I have a Czech one too. Czech one too.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

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I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. “Oh, I’m so excited for Saturday! I’m going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert… front row!” Flabbergasted, I replied, “What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs…

…and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!”

Cheerfully, she replied, “oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!”

Little Johnny joke.

During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.

A friend asks: "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"

Johnny replies: "I got a ticket from my sister."

The friend asks: "And where is your sister?"

Johnny says: ...

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A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

Two sound guys are getting the stage ready for a concert...

First sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one two..."

Other sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one too..."

Whats the saddest thing about the Astroworld concert?

The last thing they would ever hear is Travis Scott.

Two concerts

In my whole life I’ve only ever been to two concerts. I’ve seen Placebo, and I’ve seen The Cure.

They were just as good as each other

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

I went to a BTS concert a while back. It was absolutely horrible.

Now every time I hear their songs I get BTSD.

A human fart is louder than a trombone.

I discovered this at a school concert last night.

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

I took my friend to a concert. He said to me “Hey, you said there would be dragons here.”

So, I responded “No, man. I said you’d have to imagine them.”

What do you call a Concert Hall full of Belle Delphine fans?

A Simphony.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

At a Beethoven concert --

Beethoven: You guys ready for some music?

Crowd: YES!

Beethoven: I can't hear you...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

What's the cheapest concert you could attend?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Only $153.45 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

What rock group doesn't sing, play instruments or do concerts?

Mt. Rushmore

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

Got a call today and they told me I had won £250 or free tickets to an Elvis concert.

Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Hear about the screen printer who misspelled the order of concert posters?

Must have had an extra stencil crisis.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...

"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.


"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

I once paid $20 to go see Prince in concert.

But I partied like it was $19.99

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami concert

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

I was recently attacked at a K-pop concert.

I now have BTSD.

Why do Anti Vaxxers Hate concerts

They always mix up Placebo and the Cure

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert

we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My band is hosting a benefit concert for women with no legs.

The place will be crawling with pussy.

I saw barenaked ladies at a concert back in the 90's

I don't remember the band I went to go see though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

What does a bear eat at a concert?

Beats.

Ticketholder: Have fun at your concert!

Me: Y-you too.

Ticketholder: Yeah, I know who you're going to watch.

I went to a concert to feel better today

I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo.

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