UPJOKE
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(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback

Did you hear that the band U2 gave away a free concert?

Apparently, the crowd was very Pro Bono.

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Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"




^actually ^a ^true ^story

I went to a concert hosted by the Dyslexics Support Group.

Queef Latina was the headliner and they put on a hell of a show.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

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I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. “Oh, I’m so excited for Saturday! I’m going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert… front row!” Flabbergasted, I replied, “What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs…

…and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!”

Cheerfully, she replied, “oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!”

Took my kid to a classical music concert. It was a disaster

Way too much sax and violins

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

I meet a lot of people as a travelling sound engineer for concerts in Europe. I have a friend who's Ukrainian.

I have a Czech one too. Czech one too.

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

Two concerts

In my whole life I’ve only ever been to two concerts. I’ve seen Placebo, and I’ve seen The Cure.

They were just as good as each other

Whats the saddest thing about the Astroworld concert?

The last thing they would ever hear is Travis Scott.

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

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At a fundraising concert ....

... performance recently, Bono was trying to emphasize the charity's the need, exhorting the audience to donate, he shouted out ...

"Every time \~*clap\~* I clap my hands \~*clap\~* a starving child in Africa dies \~*clap\~*.


As he paused for effect and continue to \~clap\~clap...

Two sound guys are getting the stage ready for a concert...

First sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one two..."

Other sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one too..."

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

I went to a BTS concert a while back. It was absolutely horrible.

Now every time I hear their songs I get BTSD.

I took my friend to a concert. He said to me “Hey, you said there would be dragons here.”

So, I responded “No, man. I said you’d have to imagine them.”

What's the cheapest concert you could attend?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Only $153.45 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?

It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

What do you call a Concert Hall full of Belle Delphine fans?

A Simphony.

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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaura...

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

At a Beethoven concert --

Beethoven: You guys ready for some music?

Crowd: YES!

Beethoven: I can't hear you...

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

Hear about the screen printer who misspelled the order of concert posters?

Must have had an extra stencil crisis.

Watch out for a scam phone call.

The caller says, You have won $1.000.000 dollars

or Tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute Concert.

Just press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

What rock group doesn't sing, play instruments or do concerts?

Mt. Rushmore

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

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Liberace arrives at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter says, "I think we might have a problem here. Our records indicate that you once bit the head off a live parakeet at one of your concerts."

Liberace responds, "No, that would have been Ozzy Osbourne. Now I might have had a cockatoo ..."

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

A singer dies on the day of his concert

He really left his fans hanging.

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...

"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.


"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

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U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

Why do Anti Vaxxers Hate concerts

They always mix up Placebo and the Cure

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

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The rehearsal

There he is a drummer on the third floor of an apartment and at 3 in the morning he starts playing drums. Dum dup dum dup.
The neighbour below him, on the second floor , around 50, wakes up angry, goes upstairs, furiously knocks the door and before he could say anything, the drummer says: "man so...

Why did the heavy metal group rent a wrecking ball for their upcoming concert?

They wanted to bring the house down

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

I once paid $20 to go see Prince in concert.

But I partied like it was $19.99

I was recently attacked at a K-pop concert.

I now have BTSD.

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

I went to a concert to feel better today

I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo.

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami concert

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

What does a bear eat at a concert?

Beats.

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My band is hosting a benefit concert for women with no legs.

The place will be crawling with pussy.

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.

Practise, practise, practise

I saw barenaked ladies at a concert back in the 90's

I don't remember the band I went to go see though.

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert

we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

I went to a concert for deaf people

They were singing like no one was listening

What does a brewery and a Nickelback concert have in common?

They are both responsible for a lot of boos.

My wife said she'd love for us to go and see the Monkees reunion concert in Switzerland.

I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face ........ Now I'm in Geneva..

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

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Beethoven's concert

Beethoven: "Are you ready for for my greatest piece?!"

Audience: "Yeah!"

Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"

Audience: "YEAH!"

Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"

Audience: "YE- oh fuck, that's right..."

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"

"Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies

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A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

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