What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickleback

What rock group doesn't sing, play instruments or do concerts?

Mt. Rushmore

I went to a Coldplay concert once.

It was paradise.

What do you call a Concert Hall full of Belle Delphine fans?

A Simphony.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

At a Beethoven concert --

Beethoven: You guys ready for some music?

Crowd: YES!

Beethoven: I can't hear you...

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

Why do they open many doors when a reggae concert ends?

To achieve a high fan-out.

Why do Anti Vaxxers Hate concerts

They always mix up Placebo and the Cure

After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...

"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.


"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I was at my favourite singers concert, but it got delayed

Postponed Malone

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts.

Since I already know they are willing to settle.

I asked my father for permission, to go on a 50 Cent concert.

He handed me 1 Euro and made me take my brother with me.

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

Why did the heavy metal group rent a wrecking ball for their upcoming concert?

They wanted to bring the house down

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U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

What do you call a musical concert that uses cutlery?

A forkestra

A symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth

In the piece there’s a long passage that’s about 20 minutes during which the double bassists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the bar next door for a quick one. After drinking many beers one of them looked at his watch and s...

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A guy really wants to impress his girlfriend.

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.

One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was M...

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.

Practise, practise, practise

What has 100 legs and seven teeth?

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

Ticketholder: Have fun at your concert!

Me: Y-you too.

Ticketholder: Yeah, I know who you're going to watch.

I went to a concert to feel better today

I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo.

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

I was recently attacked at a K-pop concert.

I now have BTSD.

What does a bear eat at a concert?

Beats.

I went to a concert for deaf people

They were singing like no one was listening

I saw barenaked ladies at a concert back in the 90's

I don't remember the band I went to go see though.

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

I once paid $20 to go see Prince in concert.

But I partied like it was $19.99

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami concert

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

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A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

I brought my sister to an Oasis concert once

When they came on stage I shouted "Go Oasis!"

When I turned around, she was gone.

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

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My band is hosting a benefit concert for women with no legs.

The place will be crawling with pussy.

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

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A musical group of 5 boys rented an apartment to practice for a concert.

As they start to practice an old man that lived in the floor below walks up and knocks on the door. He asks for the boys to keep it down because he is an old man he cant stand all the noise. The boys say ‘today practice tomorrow concert but we will try and keep it down’ . An hour later they go at it...

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert

we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits

I went to a Foo Fighters concert the other day...

It was great to see My Hero, but man was it Everlong

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I heard that the Sting concert in downtown Chicago didn't sell many tickets

I guess black people don't like The Police

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

Classical joke

I remember once in pre-virus times, I was standing in a fairly long line for a classical music concert. A dude on a skateboard rode up to me and asked “what’s all the excitement about? Who’s playing?” I told him “Yo-Yo Ma.” And he punched me in the face!

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

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Why was the Japanese man sad after the Journey concert?

He couldn't stop bereaving.

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Patient: I keep having flashbacks to that one K-Pop concert.

Therapist: I see, I diagnose you with BTSD.

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent, featuring nickelback

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

What does a brewery and a Nickelback concert have in common?

They are both responsible for a lot of boos.

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"

"Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

My wife said she'd love for us to go and see the Monkees reunion concert in Switzerland.

I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face ........ Now I'm in Geneva..

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

Neymar was found at a Celine Dion concert, screaming from pain and rolling around.

He was touched by the music.

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

So this famous singer was doing a giveaway...

The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh...

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

What is the opposite of a chick flick?

A Rush concert.

What big cat shouldn't you take to a rock concert?

A Def Leppard

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I'm organising a fundraiser concert for those who are unable to reach full orgasm

If you can't come, let me know.

I went to a concert in Asia but I didn't enjoy it.

The band was good but the singer poor.

Willie Nelson is doing a concert for Beto O'Rourke

Some fans are burning their marijuana in protest.

Subscribe (Verb) - to obtain or have a subscription to a publication, concert series, service, etc.

Subscribe (Noun) - a very obedient writer

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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

My wife dragged me to a classical concert.

Me: I hope this concert has a lot of ado.

Her: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: F*ck.

I sat next to a insurance women through a robbie williams concert

And through it all she offered me protection

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

A pianist was trying to be unique by lying down on the floor and playing the piano simultaneously during a concert.

Needless to say, he was flat.

Remember when you wanted to watch the video your friend recorded of the concert they went to?

Me neither.

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

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