What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

My sister just found out that the Travis Scott concert she got tickets to has been cancelled

She's crushed

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

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At a fundraising concert ....

... performance recently, Bono was trying to emphasize the charity's the need, exhorting the audience to donate, he shouted out ...

"Every time \~*clap\~* I clap my hands \~*clap\~* a starving child in Africa dies \~*clap\~*.


As he paused for effect and continue to \~clap\~clap...

I went to a BTS concert a while back. It was absolutely horrible.

Now every time I hear their songs I get BTSD.

Two sound guys are getting the stage ready for a concert...

First sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one two..."

Other sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one too..."

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

I keep having flashbacks to the time I saw a K-Pop band in concert.

I think I have BTSD.

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

I took my friend to a concert. He said to me “Hey, you said there would be dragons here.”

So, I responded “No, man. I said you’d have to imagine them.”

What's the cheapest concert you could attend?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Only $153.45 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

At a Beethoven concert --

Beethoven: You guys ready for some music?

Crowd: YES!

Beethoven: I can't hear you...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

What do you call a Concert Hall full of Belle Delphine fans?

A Simphony.

What does Beethoven say after a concert ?

I can't hear you

I went to a Coldplay concert once.

It was paradise.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

How do you get a bunch of avocados into an Aerosmith concert?

You tell them to GUAC This Way!

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

After a concert at an old auditorium, the microphones started picking up whispers that weren't there...

"W-w-what was that??" asked one of the staff.


"Relax," said the manager, "it's just phantom power."

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

What rock group doesn't sing, play instruments or do concerts?

Mt. Rushmore

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

Why do they open many doors when a reggae concert ends?

To achieve a high fan-out.

Why do Anti Vaxxers Hate concerts

They always mix up Placebo and the Cure

I was at my favourite singers concert, but it got delayed

Postponed Malone

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

I’m not getting any cell service at this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts concert

But it’s okay; I don’t give a damn ‘bout my bad reception.

Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

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U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

Got a call today and they told me I had won £250 or free tickets to an Elvis concert.

Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

What has 100 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.

Practise, practise, practise

I went to a concert to feel better today

I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo.

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

Ticketholder: Have fun at your concert!

Me: Y-you too.

Ticketholder: Yeah, I know who you're going to watch.

I once paid $20 to go see Prince in concert.

But I partied like it was $19.99

What does a bear eat at a concert?

Beats.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami concert

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

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My band is hosting a benefit concert for women with no legs.

The place will be crawling with pussy.

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert

we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

Vaccines are a gateway drug.

To concerts and air travel.

I went to a concert for deaf people

They were singing like no one was listening

What’s 50 feet long and has 37 teeth?

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

I brought my sister to an Oasis concert once

When they came on stage I shouted "Go Oasis!"

When I turned around, she was gone.

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

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A singer is holding a concert indoors.

While doing so, he feels the urge to defecate. As soon as he finishised the piece, he excuses himself upstairs.

He notices the WC has the hole continue indefinitely instead of curving, but doesn't worry too much. He does his buisness and goes downstairs.

There, everybody is running awa...

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

My wife said she'd love for us to go and see the Monkees reunion concert in Switzerland.

I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face ........ Now I'm in Geneva..

What does a brewery and a Nickelback concert have in common?

They are both responsible for a lot of boos.

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I heard that the Sting concert in downtown Chicago didn't sell many tickets

I guess black people don't like The Police

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

Imagine Dragons is doing a concert in Washington DC

They start singing Believer... "First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head"

"Challenge accepted" Donald Trump replies

I went to a Foo Fighters concert the other day...

It was great to see My Hero, but man was it Everlong

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

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A musical group of 5 boys rented an apartment to practice for a concert.

As they start to practice an old man that lived in the floor below walks up and knocks on the door. He asks for the boys to keep it down because he is an old man he cant stand all the noise. The boys say ‘today practice tomorrow concert but we will try and keep it down’ . An hour later they go at it...

Neymar was found at a Celine Dion concert, screaming from pain and rolling around.

He was touched by the music.

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[NSFL] A girl from an inbred family wants to go to a concert

She says to her father: "Daddy can I go to the gig tonight?"

"Sure, if you suck my dick first!", he says.

She get on her knees and he gets his dick out.

She gets to work but immediately pulls away and says "Daddy your dick tastes like shit!"

"That's 'cause you're going wi...

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

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Beethoven's concert

Beethoven: "Are you ready for for my greatest piece?!"

Audience: "Yeah!"

Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"

Audience: "YEAH!"

Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"

Audience: "YE- oh fuck, that's right..."

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