Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

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During a church service,

the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men i...

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

Chuck Norris once performed a table flip.

Ever since Atlantis is considered a myth.

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

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The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

I performed a scientific study the other day...

I was surprised by the results. With an alpha value less than .05, it was the first time anything I've done is significant!

Farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife went to the annual farmers market auction, and the first auction was breeding bulls.

They went to the first bull that had a poster saying “This bull performed 50 times last year”. The wife, smirking, said to her husband “will you look at that? That’s almost once a week....

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?

Having 12 close friends in his thirties.

An Alien Doctor

It's year 5038, and humans are living together with various alien civilizations across the universe.

One day, a human mother and her human son visited an alien doctor. The son had a rare interstellar desease. The doctor performed a surgery on him.

After several hours, surgery came to e...

How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

Did you hear about the drunken rabbi who performed a circumcision?

..word is he got the sack.

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

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My mom just told me about the time she met Peter Dinklage before GoT, when he performed Richard III at a public theater in NY.

I asked her if she meant Richard 1/3.


I’m not short enough to not feel just a little bit bad about making this joke, but I felt like Tyrion would approve.

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed on stage?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

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Hitler is judged harshly by history, but let's not ignore the heroic acts he performed, like....

He killed Hitler

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

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