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Performed Jokes

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Little Johny was assigned to perform an experiment for his biology class

Little Johny decided to run the experiment on the auditory system of his cockroach, Mark, since it didn't pay rent anyway.


To keep track of the things he performed, little Johny wrote down all the steps in his journal:


\- Day 1: I blew a vuvuzela directly to Mark’s ears. Th...

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The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels.

I was surprised they managed to pull it off.

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?

Having 12 close friends in his thirties.

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

A man goes to see his doctor after having some tests performed...

...the doctor says "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news."

The man says "Tell me the good news..."

The doctor says "The good news is you're gonna have a disease named after you."

Did you hear that Uri Geller planned to elevate the whole of London in what was to be the most expensive illusion ever performed?

He couldn't raise the capital.

Chuck Norris once performed a table flip.

Ever since Atlantis is considered a myth.

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.

What's the difference between a trick performed by the Valentine's Day mascot and Putin?

The trick is a Cupid Stunt.

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

Do you think David Bowie just had one set of clothes when he performed?

Or do you think he had several different ch-ch-ch-changes?

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

A mime performed at a zoo.

The hours were flexible, and people paid him to act. He figured it was a good gig, so he went along with it. He did it for weeks and weeks, until one day the manager pull him inside. The mime was a bit worried, but he shrugged it off. The manager, looking panicked, said that, recently, the zoo's gre...

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

I performed a scientific study the other day...

I was surprised by the results. With an alpha value less than .05, it was the first time anything I've done is significant!

Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

Lady Gaga Performed at the Prison today.

Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.

A magician performed aboard a cruise liner...

...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.

The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"

One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to sho...

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My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy

They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops

The Exorcist

A family is looking to buy a house and as they are looking around they see a big stain on the ceiling and ask the real estate agent about it.

"See, a few months ago there was a family living here and this room belonged to a little girl who was possessed and a priest performed an exorcism in h...

Saw this joke performed a few years back. Enjoy.

Three men are wandering the woods, and are captured by bandits. The bandits line them up and are ready to shoot them, when out of nowhere, the first man yells "Tornado!"

Everyone looks around in a panic, and by the time they realize there isn't a tornado, the first man is gone. The bandits g...

A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider ha...

How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

Did you hear about the drunken rabbi who performed a circumcision?

..word is he got the sack.

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

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