Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

What’s the difference between a terrorist and an opera singer?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do you call a fake opera singer?

Placebo Domingo

What do you call the people with cameras that follow opera singers?

The pavarazzi

heres another corny joke

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

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Sex with me is like an Italian Opera.

For a while no one knows what the hell is going on, and it usually ends with a fat person yelling really loudly.

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The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

Why can't Miss Piggy sing opera?

She has a frog in her throat.

I'm writing an Italian opera about pasta. Hopefully it's successful.

Otherwise I might have to rigatoni.

Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest

I'd never let my children go to the opera

There's just too much sax and violins

Ever hear about that small chicken that inhabited a Parisian opera house?

It was called the bantam of the opera!

My cat’s favourite opera song?

O fortuna. (Oh-for-tuna)
From Carmina Burana by Carl Orff

What do you call clean music?

A soap opera

Why was the pony unable to go and sing at the opera?

Well, he was a little horse.

What famous humanoid robot wrote Phantom of the Opera?

Android Lloyd Webber

Why is it hard to have Opera singers as friends?

...it's aways about "mi mi mi".

I think my wife is rehearsing for an Opera

Every time she opens her mouth, all I hear is Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...

She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?"

I said, "It's overture house."

What are the first three numbers of an opera singer's phone number?

aria code

What is similar about studying farming and taking "yo mama" to the opera?

One is taking horticulture....

What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution?

Tsar Wars

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night?

Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting.

Joke

So a man walked into a bar and said “I’ll take a coffee.” The woman serving asked him to pay and he did. He drank the cup of coffee and thanked the waitress. Then he asked for another. He looked through his pockets and there was no money. She saw it and said, “Money or no coffee.” Which he replied w...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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The Canadian Opera Company has announced that it will play a special concert series at the Vancouver Art Gallery.

They say that this will be the first time the COC has played in the VAG.

In every soap opera we've ever watched, we are taught that running away and leaving doesn't solve our problems

Didn't stop the Brits from trying

How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?

They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure

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What is a pedophile's favorite soap opera?

The Young and The Breast-less

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Apparently they're making a porno opera based on the music of Muse

They're calling it 'Supermassive Black Hole'

I'm working on a "rock opera" adaptation of The Wizard of Oz that would employ the songs and sounds of the best British artists, including the Rolling Stones, Jessie Ware, Mumford & Sons, the Verve, David Bowie, and Radiohead.

It's called "Mum-Ware Stone-Verve the Rade-Bow."

Whats Kevin Spacey's Favorite Opera?

The Magic Flute .... in a minor.

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "If I can show you something amazing, will you let me have a free drink?" The bartender plays along and replies, "Sure".

The man opens his jacket and out hops a frog. The frog runs over to the piano in the back of the bar and hops around the keys playing Mozart, Beetho...

My British friend asked me if I can spot him a tenner.

I replied, “Of course I can, we’re at the opera!”

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

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A man walks into a strip club...

And sits down at the runway. He watches for a bit, and then the strippers start to make their rounds. One sits in his lap. "Would you like a dance?" She asks. Why not, the man thinks, "let's go!"

The stripper guides him to the lapdance area. While there, she asks if he wants to go to the...

Mike.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike" 

...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her ...

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

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Two blonds are having tea

Two blondes are having tea.

Blonde 1: I was on a date last night. With an intelectual.

Blonde 2: And how did it go?

Blonde 1: Well, he took me to an expensive restaurant, then we saw an opera and then we went to his home and he showed me his penis.

Blonde 2: What's a peni...

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "S...

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

There is a reason why I store the soap away when I sing in the shower

Otherwise it would be a soap opera

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her...

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If Internet browsers were girlfriends

**Firefox** is like that freaky chick that lets you do anything in bed, but has a lot of baggage that just weighs you down. Often you're caught considering those pros vs cons when evaluating staying with her.

**Chrome** is the chick that's half your age, is full of young spunky attitude, is ...

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So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

When i was in school there was this joke floating around.

Ok so i went to a roman catholic school and below is the layout of the foyer of my school from when I was young, the arrow indicates a statue of mother Mary and the direction in which she faces. The longer part of the picture indicates a path leading away from the foyer and the squiggly line indicat...

I had a chance to buy an old strip mall before it was torn down.

I didn't think it was a good investment at the time. The buildings were old and run down. Parking lot was cracked and overgrown with weeds.

It wasn't always like that. It had some nice local shops and entertainment when I was growing up.

I was reminiscing about it the other day as I ...

Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.

We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, an...

What do you call someone lathering in the shower and singing along to Classical Music?

A soap opera

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...

and, lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everyth...

Artificial Intelligence

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Ope...

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Topical Jokes for 10/29

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

McDonald’s has unveiled their new slogan, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin.” The hip hop slogan debuted alongside an updated Ronald McDonald, who is now shirtless and wearing a du-rag.

…”Lovin’ Beats Hatin” narrowly beat out the...

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"...

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