UPJOKE
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Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

What do you call a fake opera singer?

Placebo Domingo

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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Sex with me is like an Italian Opera.

For a while no one knows what the hell is going on, and it usually ends with a fat person yelling really loudly.

What’s the difference between a terrorist and an opera singer?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do you call it when a singer gets a chance?

An opera-tunity!

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

What's the name of the soap opera about a seabird that moved rapidly around and around?

"As The Terns Whirled."

I'd never let my children go to the opera

There's just too much sax and violins

The toughest part about being an opera conductor is people calling you after each performance and asking you to send them photos of your pianist.

So many lawsuits...

What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

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What did The Magic Flute opera singer say when his son asked him whether his putting on a costume loaded with feathers meant that he was a homosexual?

Papa gay? No!

What do you call the people with cameras that follow opera singers?

The pavarazzi

Ever hear about that small chicken that inhabited a Parisian opera house?

It was called the bantam of the opera!

Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest

Why was the pony unable to go and sing at the opera?

Well, he was a little horse.

What are the first three numbers of an opera singer's phone number?

aria code

Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night?

Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting.

What is similar about studying farming and taking "yo mama" to the opera?

One is taking horticulture....

What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution?

Tsar Wars

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

Did you hear about the new soap opera that only has specialists?

It's called "Specific Hospital"

I'm writing an Italian opera about pasta. Hopefully it's successful.

Otherwise I might have to rigatoni.

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Apparently they're making a porno opera based on the music of Muse

They're calling it 'Supermassive Black Hole'

A man walks into a pet shop ...

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

He asks the owner: "How much is the green one here?"

The owner says: "$1.000."

Customer: "That's a lot, why so much?"

Shop owner: "He can sing two arias from Mozart operas."

Customer: "How much is the red one over there?...

What famous humanoid robot wrote Phantom of the Opera?

Android Lloyd Webber

I think my wife is rehearsing for an Opera

Every time she opens her mouth, all I hear is Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.

I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...

She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

Why is it hard to have Opera singers as friends?

...it's aways about "mi mi mi".

My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?"

I said, "It's overture house."

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

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The Canadian Opera Company has announced that it will play a special concert series at the Vancouver Art Gallery.

They say that this will be the first time the COC has played in the VAG.

What does someone with a good singing voice have?

Opera-tune-ities.

(It’s dumb but it’s mine.)

The company that makes the Opera browser have asked Sir Patrick Stewart to redesign their logo

They want him to make its O.

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "If I can show you something amazing, will you let me have a free drink?" The bartender plays along and replies, "Sure".

The man opens his jacket and out hops a frog. The frog runs over to the piano in the back of the bar and hops around the keys playing Mozart, Beetho...

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A man walks into a strip club...

And sits down at the runway. He watches for a bit, and then the strippers start to make their rounds. One sits in his lap. "Would you like a dance?" She asks. Why not, the man thinks, "let's go!"

The stripper guides him to the lapdance area. While there, she asks if he wants to go to the...

What's the worst place for a classical singer to get surgery?

The opera-hating room!

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?

They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Dad Joke: What do you call clean music?

A soap opera!

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

An alien comes to earth and tries to learn English by repeating everything it hears.

The alien walks by an opera and hears someone sing "Me me me me me me me", so the alien repeats "Me me me me me me me"

Next the alien walks by a restaurant and hears people shouting "Forks and knives! forks and knives!", so the alien repeats "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!"

Then ...

Whats Kevin Spacey's Favorite Opera?

The Magic Flute .... in a minor.

Have you seen the new karate opera?

Critics are calling it sensei-tional.

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

My British friend asked me if I can spot him a tenner.

I replied, “Of course I can, we’re at the opera!”

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

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Two blonds are having tea

Two blondes are having tea.

Blonde 1: I was on a date last night. With an intelectual.

Blonde 2: And how did it go?

Blonde 1: Well, he took me to an expensive restaurant, then we saw an opera and then we went to his home and he showed me his penis.

Blonde 2: What's a peni...

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "S...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

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So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

There is a reason why I store the soap away when I sing in the shower

Otherwise it would be a soap opera

What do you call someone lathering in the shower and singing along to Classical Music?

A soap opera

When i was in school there was this joke floating around.

Ok so i went to a roman catholic school and below is the layout of the foyer of my school from when I was young, the arrow indicates a statue of mother Mary and the direction in which she faces. The longer part of the picture indicates a path leading away from the foyer and the squiggly line indicat...

Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.

We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, an...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her...

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...

and, lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everyth...

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