Why do pirates listen to opera music?

Because they love the high Cs.

What did the opera singer say when he was cutting down a tree?

Timbre!

An aspiring actor turned thief has broken into Sydney Opera House.

Sources say he stole the spotlight.

There was once a soap opera called "Touched By An Angle"

but most episodes just went off on tangents

What do you call a sad singer in a bath tub....

A soap opera...


(My first joke)

I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out.

She was all mi, mi, mi.

I think my wife is rehearsing for an Opera

Every time she opens her mouth, all I hear is Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex with me is like an Italian Opera.

For a while no one knows what the hell is going on, and it usually ends with a fat person yelling really loudly.

Why is it hard to have Opera singers as friends?

...it's aways about "mi mi mi".

What are the first three numbers of an opera singer's phone number?

aria code

Whats Kevin Spacey's Favorite Opera?

The Magic Flute .... in a minor.

What is similar about studying farming and taking "yo mama" to the opera?

One is taking horticulture....

My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?"

I said, "It's overture house."

Shouldn't opera singers be good sailors?

Since they're good at high C's.

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest

What's Sigmund Freud's favorite soap opera?

The Jung and the Restless

CBS just greenlit a new soap opera centered around stoners

they're calling it "Mellow Drama".

What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution?

Tsar Wars

Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night?

Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?

They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure

I'm working on a "rock opera" adaptation of The Wizard of Oz that would employ the songs and sounds of the best British artists, including the Rolling Stones, Jessie Ware, Mumford & Sons, the Verve, David Bowie, and Radiohead.

It's called "Mum-Ware Stone-Verve the Rade-Bow."

Have you seen the new karate opera?

Critics are calling it sensei-tional.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Canadian Opera Company has announced that it will play a special concert series at the Vancouver Art Gallery.

They say that this will be the first time the COC has played in the VAG.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently they're making a porno opera based on the music of Muse

They're calling it 'Supermassive Black Hole'

The company that makes the Opera browser have asked Sir Patrick Stewart to redesign their logo

They want him to make its O.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

During winter break, I visited Paris...

My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I’ll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just ...

Was watching this show with my family the other day.

All the scenes were people singing in the shower while bathing themselves.

Such a strange soap opera.

I love to sing in the shower

Until I get shampoo in my mouth, then it becomes a soap opera

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Short summaries of our favourite movies:

A little green guy convinces a young man to kill his father ("Star Wars")

A group of people returns a lost jewel in 9 hours ("The Lord of the Rings")

The newly-started young artist's career goes to the bottom ("Titanic")

White skinhead forces black people to kill dwarfs ("The Ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

I was taking a shower, and I heard this really loud, obnoxious singing near my shoulder.

It was a soap opera.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

What do you call someone lathering in the shower and singing along to Classical Music?

A soap opera

There is a reason why I store the soap away when I sing in the shower

Otherwise it would be a soap opera

What do you call a chance to try a fishy broth at a classy musical event?

An opera-tuna-tea.

My ears are still ringing from my wife’s groan.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "S...

Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.

We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, an...

Mike.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike" 

...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a strip club...

And sits down at the runway. He watches for a bit, and then the strippers start to make their rounds. One sits in his lap. "Would you like a dance?" She asks. Why not, the man thinks, "let's go!"

The stripper guides him to the lapdance area. While there, she asks if he wants to go to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Making Cakes [Long]

One day, a boy and his father went to the zoo. They were having a lovely time, until they got to the gorilla enclosure. There, the boy sees two gorillas just giving it to each other. Being young, and not knowing what sex is, he decides to ask his dad, "Dad, what are those gorillas doing?" Heavily em...

I had a chance to buy an old strip mall before it was torn down.

I didn't think it was a good investment at the time. The buildings were old and run down. Parking lot was cracked and overgrown with weeds.

It wasn't always like that. It had some nice local shops and entertainment when I was growing up.

I was reminiscing about it the other day as I ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

Artificial Intelligence

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Ope...

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...

and, lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everyth...

When i was in school there was this joke floating around.

Ok so i went to a roman catholic school and below is the layout of the foyer of my school from when I was young, the arrow indicates a statue of mother Mary and the direction in which she faces. The longer part of the picture indicates a path leading away from the foyer and the squiggly line indicat...

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Topical Jokes for 10/29

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

McDonald’s has unveiled their new slogan, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin.” The hip hop slogan debuted alongside an updated Ronald McDonald, who is now shirtless and wearing a du-rag.

…”Lovin’ Beats Hatin” narrowly beat out the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.