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A guy meets a sex worker in a nightclub

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely, totally anything you want for £100 as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy thinks for a minute & replies, ‘Hey, why not?’

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 5x £20 on ...

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18 floor nightclub,

was not a bouncer.

I was at a nightclub

They played just dance, I just danced

They played twist, I twisted

They played jump, I jumped

They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

What do you call a Monty Python-themed nightclub?

The CopaCaerbannog

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

What do you call adult nightclubs for nerds?

Comic strips.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction

it was a total flop. nobody came.

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.

He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.

"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

What did the Doorman say to the DNA strand at the entrance to the nightclub?

"Sorry mate, no genes allowed."

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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What do you call a nightclub only for those over 40?

Generation XXX

Birthday

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie ...

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Is that a frog in your pocket …?

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.

‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’
...

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I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl.

When someone said, "What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard?"

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

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A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night,,,,

..... Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window s...

A pair of sunglasses and a set of jumper cables were lined up waiting to get into a nightclub.....

The bouncer was letting everybody in front of them in but when they get to the velvet rope the bouncer says: “Sorry fellas, I can’t let you in.”

Feeling dejected the sunglasses said “Why not?”

The bouncer replies “Well for a start, you’re off your head and your mate here looks like...

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

I took my epileptic girlfriend to a nightclub.

I jokingly told her “This place has rave reviews.” but she just rolled her eyes at me.

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

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Met this girl in a nightclub

She's absolutely stunning and all over me. Couldn't believe my luck. Things are going great and she invites me back to hers. Damn straight.

On the way back to her flat though, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But I put it out of my head. We get in, things progress quick...

What's the difference between a nightclub bouncer and the University of Derby?

The University of Derby will let you in if you have a few E's.

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Franky was enjoying himself at a nightclub

During the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.

Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl who clearly didn't want to dance with him, so Franky walked up ...

What is the criteria to join a nightclub for ghosts?

No body is allowed in

Why didn’t the bouncer let Sigmund Freud into the nightclub?

He forgot his Id

I went to the Black Hole Nightclub.

It was really boring but the potential was infinite.

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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men."


So he stabs her and steals her purse.

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

What do you call a nightclub for people in their 40s?

Midnight Crisis

I went to a Superman themed nightclub.

Everyone looked really fly...

but there was a massive queue for the cloakroom.

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

Did you hear they built a nightclub on the moon?

It's a far out location, but it lacks atmosphere.

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The schwanky nightclub

An American, a Frenchman, a Brit,a German, a Russian, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nicaraguan, a Honduran, a Nepalese, an Argentinian, a Peruvian, a Uruguayan, a Colombian, a Guatemalan, a Nigerian, a Moroccan, a South African, a Malayan,a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cambodian, a Viet, a Korean, a Japan...

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[NSFW] 2 Bros sitting in a nightclub

One of them is looking kind of dejected.

"What's wrong man?" Says his friend.

"Man, I've been shot down 5 times already tonight. I swear I just don't know how to talk to women. I get all nervous and my words don't come out right."

His buddy remembers it's been raining that day ...

Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"?

No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.

Thor and his pals were bored in Asgard one evening

So they came up with the idea to travel to Earth and go to a nightclub. He bumps into a very attractive girl at the bar and without saying a word, they are in love with each other and start making out. They leave immediately and go back to the girl's place. The passion is intense and they make love ...

I was at the nightclub and a lady said "That is a nice looking belt buckle"

I told her "Thanks, but it will look even better pressed against your forehead."

Cemeteries are like popular nightclubs.

Everyone's dying to get in.

What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A bartender

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No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer l...

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Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in....

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie. So I went back to my car and wrapped my jumper leads around my neck, and tried my luck again. The guy on the door said "o.k, you can come in, but don...

Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

In a queue for a nightclub, I looked for the serial number on the back of my girlfriend's dress.

"What do you think you're doing?" she said.

I said, "Well, you asked me what the dress code was.."

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Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?

A: Because he is 2 square

I met my wife in a nightclub.

I thought she was at home with the kids.

A man asks for vodka in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of vodka cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but y...

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Politically Correct Nightclub

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Lativan, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an America, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Isreali, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a S...

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.

The doorman said, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.

” I said, “Drinks?”

He said, “Birthdays.”

I went out to a nightclub

They played the Twist, so I did the Twist.

They played the Cha-Cha Slide, so I did the Cha-Cha Slide.

They played Come On Eileen.

I'm banned from that nightclub, but I got a sweet restraining order.

I was at a nightclub with a popular friend.

He said, "Would you like to see the DJ's box?"

I said, "No, thanks. I don't condone violence."

What did the architect do at the nightclub?

He raised the roof.

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I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub.

"What are we going to do after this?" I asked her.

She said, "How does sex sound?"

I said, "Soggy."

I hate that salad can't get into nightclubs...

Like, come on man, lettuce in

A ventriloquist is working a nightclub.

He tells several "dumb blonde" jokes, with his dummy getting all the punchlines. After a while a blonde woman in the audience stands up.

"These jokes are really offensive!" she says. "You're making it sound like all blondes are stupid. I'm a blonde, and *I'm* certainly not stupid!"

...

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Viagra now comes in a liquid form, people in nightclubs have been putting drops of it in their eyes.....

Apparently it makes them look hard.

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A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two ...

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Three Hookers are applying for a job on a nightclub

The manager asks them, "If you found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, what will you do?"

The first hooker said, "I will give it to the management of this club."

The next hooker said, "I will ask around if anyone lost it."

The last hooker said, "I will keep it. I consider it to b...

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A couple at a bar

In a nightclub, a girl invites her boyfriend for a drink. She orders a whiskey-soda for herself and a Bailey with lemon juice aside for him. - What did you order from me? the guy is surprised. - A Bailey with a lemon juice on the side! You will see, you will be amazed! - I don't know ... The bartend...

I went to a nightclub the other evening and saw a topless ventriloquist. She was really good.

I never saw her lips move.

"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."

*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

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She's Naked.

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely naked. He stopped and she went into the taxi.

Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot naked girl before huh? Why don't you ke...

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A man is bored one Saturday Night...

It was Saturday night, and a man decides to go out to a nightclub to get lucky. He meets a pair of twins and thinks he has hit the jackpot when they invite him back to their house.

When he gets there, he finds that it is a weed farm, and they share the house with the grower, who is rolling a ...

My sister dropped her daughter at a nightclub last night.

She said the drinking and dancing brought the labor on.

Why were The Smiths kicked out of the nightclub?

Because they kept asking everyone to hang the DJ.

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

A Glasgow woman has reported terrifying multiple sightings of a puma in her local park

Similar events were reported in England, as when the nightclubs reopened, people saw a huge number of prowling cougars.

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4 highschool friends have a reunion...

As they sit down, they all start to mingle and the conversation turns to their sons. At this point, the fourth friend goes to the bathroom.

Friend 1: My son was so successful, he started at the bottom of a construction company and now owns it! He got to build himself a mansion.

Friend ...

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...

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Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

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I don't know why anyone would like to be a telemarketer.

If I wanted to be told to fuck off for hours on end, I'd attend a nightclub.

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My Sisters From Another Mister

Its Little Johnny's 18th bday. He gets home and sees his mom baking a cake for him and cooking dinner. She says, "Happy birthday son" and gives him a hug and a kiss.
Dad comes home and says,. "Son go put on your best clothes because tonight you're going to become a man.Yep I'm taking you out t...

"Turks have 3 problems..."

An Italian man walks into a nightclub wearing a shirt that says "Turks have 3 problems".

A turkish man approaches him and asks: "What the f*** is your shirt suppposed to mean?""

The Italian says: "See, that is your first problem. You turks are way too curious"

The Turkish man w...

Two men arguing

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got ...

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A man takes his wife Susan to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

While out partying and drinking at a nightclub, the husband feels the pressure building in his bladder and rushes to the bathroom. He begins to relieve himself when he notices a tall Jamaican man at the urinal next to him is looking straight as his dick. Too drunk to care, the husband continues to...

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