A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

I was at a nightclub

They played just dance, I just danced

They played twist, I twisted

They played jump, I jumped

They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction

it was a total flop. nobody came.

I went to a Superman themed nightclub.

Everyone looked really fly...

but there was a massive queue for the cloakroom.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

What is the criteria to join a nightclub for ghosts?

No body is allowed in

Franky was enjoying himself at a nightclub

During the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.

Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl who clearly didn't want to dance with him, so Franky walked up ...

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was ...

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A guy meets a sex worker in a nightclub

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely, totally anything you want for £100 as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy thinks for a minute & replies, ‘Hey, why not?’

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 5x £20 on ...

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

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Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, “I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha.”

So, “20 x 0 = 0.”

I don't know what's funny!

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.

He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.

"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...

Why didn’t the bouncer let Sigmund Freud into the nightclub?

He forgot his Id

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

Did you hear they built a nightclub on the moon?

It's a far out location, but it lacks atmosphere.

I was at the nightclub and a lady said "That is a nice looking belt buckle"

I told her "Thanks, but it will look even better pressed against your forehead."

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

What do you call a nightclub for people in their 40s?

Midnight Crisis

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I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl.

When someone said, "What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard?"

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

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Met this girl in a nightclub

She's absolutely stunning and all over me. Couldn't believe my luck. Things are going great and she invites me back to hers. Damn straight.

On the way back to her flat though, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But I put it out of my head. We get in, things progress quick...

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

I took my epileptic girlfriend to a nightclub.

I jokingly told her “This place has rave reviews.” but she just rolled her eyes at me.

I went to the Black Hole Nightclub.

It was really boring but the potential was infinite.

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She's Naked.

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely naked. He stopped and she went into the taxi.

Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot naked girl before huh? Why don't you ke...

Julius Caesar goes to a nightclub with his friends

While there he breaks off from his group of friends to talk to an attractive young woman. His friends don't see him for the rest of the night, and the next morning they're all eager to find out how it went. So when they next see him they ask him what happened.

"Vidi, vici, veni" replies Ceasa...

Cemeteries are like popular nightclubs.

Everyone's dying to get in.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

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Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in....

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie. So I went back to my car and wrapped my jumper leads around my neck, and tried my luck again. The guy on the door said "o.k, you can come in, but don...

In a queue for a nightclub, I looked for the serial number on the back of my girlfriend's dress.

"What do you think you're doing?" she said.

I said, "Well, you asked me what the dress code was.."

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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men."


So he stabs her and steals her purse.

Two bouncers stops a sink at the door to a nightclub

The sink tells one of the bouncers: “Come on I’ve had a rough day, just let me in why don’t you.
The bouncer replies: “Maybe you’re not the only one that’s had a bad day, maybe I have too. Let that sink in.”
The second bouncer opens the door.

Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

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Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

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The schwanky nightclub

An American, a Frenchman, a Brit,a German, a Russian, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nicaraguan, a Honduran, a Nepalese, an Argentinian, a Peruvian, a Uruguayan, a Colombian, a Guatemalan, a Nigerian, a Moroccan, a South African, a Malayan,a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cambodian, a Viet, a Korean, a Japan...

I met my wife in a nightclub.

I thought she was at home with the kids.

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4 highschool friends have a reunion...

As they sit down, they all start to mingle and the conversation turns to their sons. At this point, the fourth friend goes to the bathroom.

Friend 1: My son was so successful, he started at the bottom of a construction company and now owns it! He got to build himself a mansion.

Friend ...

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A bartender

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[NSFW] 2 Bros sitting in a nightclub

One of them is looking kind of dejected.

"What's wrong man?" Says his friend.

"Man, I've been shot down 5 times already tonight. I swear I just don't know how to talk to women. I get all nervous and my words don't come out right."

His buddy remembers it's been raining that day ...

I hate that salad can't get into nightclubs...

Like, come on man, lettuce in

What did the architect do at the nightclub?

He raised the roof.

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Politically Correct Nightclub

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Lativan, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an America, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Isreali, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a S...

Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?

A: Because he is 2 square

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A man is going to a costume party at a nightclub...

He doesn't know what to wear but then he has an idea. He arrives wearing nothing but his pants. When he arrives, he walks up to the bouncer. The bouncer asks,"What are you supposed to be?" The man says,"I'm a premature ejaculation, I just came in my pants."

I was at a nightclub with a popular friend.

He said, "Would you like to see the DJ's box?"

I said, "No, thanks. I don't condone violence."

I went out to a nightclub

They played the Twist, so I did the Twist.

They played the Cha-Cha Slide, so I did the Cha-Cha Slide.

They played Come On Eileen.

I'm banned from that nightclub, but I got a sweet restraining order.

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A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two ...

Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"?

No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.

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I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub.

"What are we going to do after this?" I asked her.

She said, "How does sex sound?"

I said, "Soggy."

I went to a nightclub the other evening and saw a topless ventriloquist. She was really good.

I never saw her lips move.

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.

The doorman said, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.

” I said, “Drinks?”

He said, “Birthdays.”

A ventriloquist is working a nightclub.

He tells several "dumb blonde" jokes, with his dummy getting all the punchlines. After a while a blonde woman in the audience stands up.

"These jokes are really offensive!" she says. "You're making it sound like all blondes are stupid. I'm a blonde, and *I'm* certainly not stupid!"

...

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Viagra now comes in a liquid form, people in nightclubs have been putting drops of it in their eyes.....

Apparently it makes them look hard.

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The woman at the nightclub.

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds o...

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Three Hookers are applying for a job on a nightclub

The manager asks them, "If you found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, what will you do?"

The first hooker said, "I will give it to the management of this club."

The next hooker said, "I will ask around if anyone lost it."

The last hooker said, "I will keep it. I consider it to b...

My sister dropped her daughter at a nightclub last night.

She said the drinking and dancing brought the labor on.

"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."

*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

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A man is bored one Saturday Night...

It was Saturday night, and a man decides to go out to a nightclub to get lucky. He meets a pair of twins and thinks he has hit the jackpot when they invite him back to their house.

When he gets there, he finds that it is a weed farm, and they share the house with the grower, who is rolling a ...

Why were The Smiths kicked out of the nightclub?

Because they kept asking everyone to hang the DJ.

How much is that barbie in the window?

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie g...

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A local nightclub held a special ladies night for double amputees.

The place was crawling with pussy.

A man tries to get into a classy nightclub

but gets stopped by the bouncer. "You have to have a tie to get in here bro," says the bouncer. Distraught the man goes to his car and searches for a tie but can only find jumper cables. He wraps them around his neck and goes back to the club. "Can I get in now?" he asks. "Yea ok," says the bouncer...

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...

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I don't know why anyone would like to be a telemarketer.

If I wanted to be told to fuck off for hours on end, I'd attend a nightclub.

"Turks have 3 problems..."

An Italian man walks into a nightclub wearing a shirt that says "Turks have 3 problems".

A turkish man approaches him and asks: "What the f*** is your shirt suppposed to mean?""

The Italian says: "See, that is your first problem. You turks are way too curious"

The Turkish man w...

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Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

Two men arguing

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got ...

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I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

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A man takes his wife Susan to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

While out partying and drinking at a nightclub, the husband feels the pressure building in his bladder and rushes to the bathroom. He begins to relieve himself when he notices a tall Jamaican man at the urinal next to him is looking straight as his dick. Too drunk to care, the husband continues to...

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So my mate used to be really into tractors...

His dad was a farmer and shit, and he loved all types of tractors. He even wore a John Deere hat on occasion.

Then one day he woke up, and decided that he just didn't like tractors anymore. His days of loving tractors were over. Weird.

Later that night, he went to a nightclub where ev...

A SEO expert walks into a bar

Bar, bars, pub, lounge, restaurant, beer garden, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, beer, wine, whisky

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A woman is sick of her husband...

(Prepare yourself. You'll be here for a little while)

The guy is a dedicated body builder of 14 years. He's in great shape but he barely pays any attention to his wife. She decides to go and find a better man one night.

She ends up in a nightclub and meets a good looking young Doctor. ...

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