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Nightclub Jokes

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A guy meets a sex worker in a nightclub

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely, totally anything you want for £100 as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy thinks for a minute & replies, ‘Hey, why not?’

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 5x £20 on ...

I was at a nightclub

They played just dance, I just danced

They played twist, I twisted

They played jump, I jumped

They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop and nobody came.

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men."


So he stabs her and steals her purse.

John was in a nightclub

John was in a nightclub, dancing and enjoying himself.

During the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.

Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl ...

I took my epileptic girlfriend to a nightclub.

I jokingly told her “This place has rave reviews.” but she just rolled her eyes at me.

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The couple was watching television at night.

The husband says, "Can I know why you've been sulking since I arrived?" And, angrily, the wife responds, "Today we celebrate 25 years of marriage, and here we are, standing in front of this television."

"MY GOD! I was so busy that I completely forgot! Forgive me, my dear. Go put on your...

What do you call a Monty Python-themed nightclub?

The CopaCaerbannog

An ego and super-ego went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said "You're not coming in without id!"

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

I went to the Black Hole Nightclub.

It was really boring but the potential was infinite.

A man in my town fell out of the third floor of a nightclub yesterday.

Unfortunately he wasn’t a bouncer.

If a man falls from the balcony of a nightclub on the 17th floor …

What can we determine if he dies instantly?




He wasn’t a bouncer

What do you call adult nightclubs for nerds?

Comic strips.

At a doll store

Man: "Do you work here?"

Lady: "Yes!"

"I need to buy a Barbie doll for my daughter. How much are they?"

"Which Barbie? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes...

A new nightclub opened in my town, but it went out of business quickly.

It was called the "Watch Your Head" bar.

Apparently, nobody walked into it.

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

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The schwanky nightclub

An American, a Frenchman, a Brit,a German, a Russian, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nicaraguan, a Honduran, a Nepalese, an Argentinian, a Peruvian, a Uruguayan, a Colombian, a Guatemalan, a Nigerian, a Moroccan, a South African, a Malayan,a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cambodian, a Viet, a Korean, a Japan...

What is the criteria to join a nightclub for ghosts?

No body is allowed in

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

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[NSFW] 2 Bros sitting in a nightclub

One of them is looking kind of dejected.

"What's wrong man?" Says his friend.

"Man, I've been shot down 5 times already tonight. I swear I just don't know how to talk to women. I get all nervous and my words don't come out right."

His buddy remembers it's been raining that day ...

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Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

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Politically Correct Nightclub

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Lativan, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an America, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Isreali, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a S...

Cemeteries are like popular nightclubs.

Everyone's dying to get in.

A guy goes to a fancy nightclub.

He is stopped at the door by the bouncers, who say you cannot come in without a tie.
So he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.
"Can I come in now?,' he says to the bouncers.
'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

I met my wife in a nightclub.

I thought she was at home with the kids.

What do you call a nightclub for people in their 40s?

Midnight Crisis

A ventriloquist is working a nightclub.

He tells several "dumb blonde" jokes, with his dummy getting all the punchlines. After a while a blonde woman in the audience stands up.

"These jokes are really offensive!" she says. "You're making it sound like all blondes are stupid. I'm a blonde, and *I'm* certainly not stupid!"

...

I hate that salad can't get into nightclubs...

Like, come on man, lettuce in

I went to a Superman themed nightclub.

Everyone looked really fly...

but there was a massive queue for the cloakroom.

I hear a nightclub on the moon closed today

Lack of atmosphere

A pair of sunglasses and a set of jumper cables were lined up waiting to get into a nightclub.....

The bouncer was letting everybody in front of them in but when they get to the velvet rope the bouncer says: “Sorry fellas, I can’t let you in.”

Feeling dejected the sunglasses said “Why not?”

The bouncer replies “Well for a start, you’re off your head and your mate here looks like...

I went out to a nightclub

They played the Twist, so I did the Twist.

They played the Cha-Cha Slide, so I did the Cha-Cha Slide.

They played Come On Eileen.

I'm banned from that nightclub, but I got a sweet restraining order.

Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

What did the architect do at the nightclub?

He raised the roof.

I was at a nightclub with a popular friend.

He said, "Would you like to see the DJ's box?"

I said, "No, thanks. I don't condone violence."

Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?

A: Because he is 2 square

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.

The doorman said, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.

” I said, “Drinks?”

He said, “Birthdays.”

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"?

No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.

What's the difference between a nightclub bouncer and the University of Derby?

The University of Derby will let you in if you have a few E's.

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Three Hookers are applying for a job on a nightclub

The manager asks them, "If you found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, what will you do?"

The first hooker said, "I will give it to the management of this club."

The next hooker said, "I will ask around if anyone lost it."

The last hooker said, "I will keep it. I consider it to b...

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I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub.

"What are we going to do after this?" I asked her.

She said, "How does sex sound?"

I said, "Soggy."

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Is that a frog in your pocket …?

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.

‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’
...

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A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night,,,,

..... Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window s...

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

I went to a nightclub the other evening and saw a topless ventriloquist. She was really good.

I never saw her lips move.

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She's Naked.

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely naked. He stopped and she went into the taxi.

Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot naked girl before huh? Why don't you ke...

I was at the nightclub and a lady said "That is a nice looking belt buckle"

I told her "Thanks, but it will look even better pressed against your forehead."

My sister dropped her daughter at a nightclub last night.

She said the drinking and dancing brought the labor on.

A man tries to get into a classy nightclub

but gets stopped by the bouncer. "You have to have a tie to get in here bro," says the bouncer. Distraught the man goes to his car and searches for a tie but can only find jumper cables. He wraps them around his neck and goes back to the club. "Can I get in now?" he asks. "Yea ok," says the bouncer...

What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A bartender

Why were The Smiths kicked out of the nightclub?

Because they kept asking everyone to hang the DJ.

In a queue for a nightclub, I looked for the serial number on the back of my girlfriend's dress.

"What do you think you're doing?" she said.

I said, "Well, you asked me what the dress code was.."

"Turks have 3 problems..."

An Italian man walks into a nightclub wearing a shirt that says "Turks have 3 problems".

A turkish man approaches him and asks: "What the f*** is your shirt suppposed to mean?""

The Italian says: "See, that is your first problem. You turks are way too curious"

The Turkish man w...

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Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in....

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie. So I went back to my car and wrapped my jumper leads around my neck, and tried my luck again. The guy on the door said "o.k, you can come in, but don...

"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."

*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

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Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

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A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two ...

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A local nightclub held a special ladies night for double amputees.

The place was crawling with pussy.

A group of colleagues go for a night out after work in Singapore...

They join a queue for a nightclub and get chatting to the bouncer.

"So where are you lads from?"

One of the friends replies

"Well I'm from here in Singapore, but my friends are all visiting on business. Kwok and Hung are from Malaysia, Minh is from Vietnam, Liu is from Taiwan, G...

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Freudian Slip

My coworker and I were talking the other day, and he mentioned a conversation where he accidentally said 'boob' to his girlfriend when asking her if he could hold her 'bag' while she visited the restroom at the nightclub they were at.

I said, "Yeah, that's called a Freudian slip. It happened...

A man asks for vodka in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of vodka cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but y...

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

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My Sisters From Another Mister

Its Little Johnny's 18th bday. He gets home and sees his mom baking a cake for him and cooking dinner. She says, "Happy birthday son" and gives him a hug and a kiss.
Dad comes home and says,. "Son go put on your best clothes because tonight you're going to become a man.Yep I'm taking you out t...

Thor and his pals were bored in Asgard one evening

So they came up with the idea to travel to Earth and go to a nightclub. He bumps into a very attractive girl at the bar and without saying a word, they are in love with each other and start making out. They leave immediately and go back to the girl's place. The passion is intense and they make love ...

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

Two men arguing

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got ...

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

A SEO expert walks into a bar

Bar, bars, pub, lounge, restaurant, beer garden, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, beer, wine, whisky

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A couple at a bar

In a nightclub, a girl invites her boyfriend for a drink. She orders a whiskey-soda for herself and a Bailey with lemon juice aside for him. - What did you order from me? the guy is surprised. - A Bailey with a lemon juice on the side! You will see, you will be amazed! - I don't know ... The bartend...

This new credit card I applied for allows me to pick the security question they ask me and the answer I give them

So whenever I call them they have to ask me, "What are you wearing?" and I have to answer them, "I don't think that's appropriate!"

Credit: Eugene Mirman from "The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman"

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

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4 highschool friends have a reunion...

As they sit down, they all start to mingle and the conversation turns to their sons. At this point, the fourth friend goes to the bathroom.

Friend 1: My son was so successful, he started at the bottom of a construction company and now owns it! He got to build himself a mansion.

Friend ...

3 comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the f...

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