What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

There’s this lady who repairs guitar parts for young musicians.

Now she has the body of an 18 year old.

People told Beethoven he couldn't be a great musician because he was deaf

But did he listen?

What's the difference between a musician and a park bench?

A park bench can support your family.

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Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

What is the key to becoming a successful musician?

Work hard, try not to party too much, and make certain you eat lots and lots of beats!!

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

What’s the difference between a musician and a bucket of chicken?

A bucket of chicken can feed a family of four.

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

How many Musicians does it take to change the lightbulb?

1234

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

What was the cause of the musicians death? (don't know if it's been posted before)

Organ failure

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

What is it called when a musician has to use the toilet for the fourth time in a day?

The fourth movement.

Why's the musician standing at the side of the road with a tuner?

His tire is flat.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

How does a jazz musician get a million dollars?

By starting with two million dollars.

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First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

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Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

What did the musician say to the other musician at the function.

Looking #

What do musicians freshen their breath with?

Theremints.

What do you call a traitor among the musicians ?

An Orchestraitor

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?

Well, I don’t quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

So there's this musician.....

So theres this musician who is incredibly gifted. Any instrument he touches he can instantly play at a masters level. Unfortunately for the musician he lived in a country ruled by a dictator. One day the dictator learns of the musician's talent and has the musician brought before him.

The dic...

What's the quietest time of day for a musician?

4:33

A musician walks into a bar

and notices a coda seated at the end.

A musician walks into a bar.

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

What is a jazz musician that got kicked out of the catholic church?

Sax-communicated.

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

What do you call a musician who joins the military

A Major

When a child musician dies...

F minor

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What do you call it when a musician makes $1000 in one night?

A robbery.

[musician joke] Kid says to dad, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up."

His father replies, "Sorry, Son: You can't have it both ways."

[attrib: Andy Stein on one of the PHC "Joke Shows"]

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

What do you call a musician with problems

A trebled man

How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

If Vice President Al Gore was a musician.....

He could call his group “The Al Gore Rhythms”

What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor

Who do musicians call when they need demolition work completed?

A wrecker company!

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

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musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.


Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wi...

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a musician?

"I'll be Bach".

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked “if you could be a musician, who would you be?”

He replied “I’d be Bach”

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

How many ska musicians does it take drop a dubstep beat?

Nobody knows because they always PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

I ran into a 19 year old hipster who’s favorite musician was Jimi Hendrix...

It was so strange to see a hipster who liked older music, so I had to ask, “What about his music did you like so much?”

“I just love underground artists” he replied.

So a jazz musician dies and goes to heaven

No, that's not the whole joke.

He's greeted by Thelonious Monk, who says "Hey, welcome--and congratulations on making it up here! There's a spot for you in the band if you want it. We play with Satch, Django, Coltrane, all the greats, and we have a gig tonight. There's only one catch: God'...

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

A young child says to his mother...

"Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

What happens when a musician messes up during a song?

He has a tempo tantrum.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

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It’s 2015. Bill Clinton is whipping up celebrity endorsements for Hillary with a Halloween party. He invites his friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger and suggests they go as dead presidents for the media. “Too cliche” says Arnie. “What about dead musicians.” “Great idea. I’ll be Coltrane. What about you?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

Why are ska musicians great to go out to dinner with?

Because, when the check comes, they always ***pickitup! pickitup! pickitup! pickitup!***

In the late 90s, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone auditioned for a film about classical musicians.

The producers brought the two of them into their office to go over potential roles for them.

Before they could even get a word out, Stallone says “I wanna be that Amadeus guy.”

The producers exchange looks, nod and say, “You got it Sly.” They turn to Arnold, “And what about you.”
...

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Why do nurses fuck musicians?

So they can get band-aids.

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill...

At least he went out on a high note

Who is Logan Paul’s favorite musician?

Deadmau5

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

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What would Ed Sheehan be if he wasn't a famous musician?

A virgin

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