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What do you get when you fuck a group of musicians?

Band aids

What does a british musician live in?

Ab

Many people told Beethoven he would never be a musician just because he was deaf

But did he listen?

What problem can both gamers and popular musicians relate to?

The fans are too noisy.

What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?

Hall n' oates.

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat.

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

What do musicians and priests have in common?

They both like to fiddle A minor

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

What do you call a person who likes to hang out with musicians?

A Drummer!

Mozart was an amazing musician

It’s a shame he died baroque.

Axl Rose, Bon Jovi, and Stevie Wonder are invited to an exclusive party for musicians. The bartenders have been said to be an “exciting surprise”.

So Axl, Bon and Stevie visit out of curiosity. They sit at the bar and grab the bartender’s attentions. They swing by, and reveal themselves as the members of Survivor: Dave Bickler, Jim Peterik, and Frankie Sullivan. Axl, Bon, and Stevie groan as they expected someone with more credentials.

...

A coach full of musicians has broken down on the motorway

Police have said to expect some lengthy jams

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

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What's a musician's favorite sex method?

Aural

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

I'd love to hear a group of musicians preform

...But unfortunately it's band

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

What is Tolkien’s favorite musician?

Elvish Presley.

Why did the musician never play quietly?

Pianissimo wasn't his forte.

What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

What did the Spanish musician say after they left the sound booth?

Audios

What do you call a guy who hangs around musicians all the time?

The drummer.

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Why can't musicians have sex?

Their pp is always soft

What’s a male musician’s biggest weakness?

D and Bs

What period of music should a starving musician be listening to?

Baroque

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

Who’s a chickens favorite musician?

Bach

A musician sees a pile of short cats

He says: "Hey, a staccato!"

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.

He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

What do you call it when a group of musicians give each other an STD?

Band-Aids

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A Musician Walks Into a Porn Movie Showing At a Theatre

He's sitting there, waiting for the movie to start when a couple comes in sits down in front of him.
Not wanting to seem like some creepy incel he leans forward & says;
"I did the music for this film & wanted to hear how it sounded in a theatre"

The woman turns around &...

Why do musicians always listen to music in C major while driving in roads?

To avoid accidentals.

What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

What’s a good musician pickup line?

You have a nice Fmaj7.

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

Did you know if you visit musicians graves, you can hear their music backwards?

It's because they're decomposing.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

What do you call a musician without a huge ego?

Just a guy that plays music.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

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Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

Why's the musician standing at the side of the road with a tuner?

His tire is flat.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

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Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

How does a jazz musician get a million dollars?

By starting with two million dollars.

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

What is it called when a musician has to use the toilet for the fourth time in a day?

The fourth movement.

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?

Well, I don’t quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!

What's the quietest time of day for a musician?

4:33

What do musicians freshen their breath with?

Theremints.

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First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

A musician walks into a bar

and notices a coda seated at the end.

A musician walks into a bar.

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

So there's this musician.....

So theres this musician who is incredibly gifted. Any instrument he touches he can instantly play at a masters level. Unfortunately for the musician he lived in a country ruled by a dictator. One day the dictator learns of the musician's talent and has the musician brought before him.

The dic...

What is a musicians favourite sandwich?

Tuner

3 celebrities are going to a costume party. They decided to have musician themed costumes.

Tom Cruise says, "I'll be Mozart." Robert Downey Jr. day's "I'll be Beethoven." Arnold Swarznegger says, "I'll be Bach."

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

When a child musician dies...

F minor

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

What do you call a musician who joins the military

A Major

What do you call a musician with problems

A trebled man

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What do you call it when a musician makes $1000 in one night?

A robbery.

What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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