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Musician Jokes

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

I said to the musician do you know what time it is please?

He said its 5/4

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

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Musician joke

What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?

Drops him off at band practice.

What did the homeless man say to the musician?

"You poor man. Here."

*empties his change cup*

What do you call an English jazz musician?

An Anglo-Saxophonist

What does a dead musician do?

He decomposes

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Which musicians do bisexuals enjoy?

They like Debussy and they like Dedic

Why were the colonial musicians mad?

They had to pay for royal-teas

Why did the chef taunt the musician?

The chef had a better beet.

Why can’t jazz musicians be trusted?

Because they always play sus chords.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until its Bill Withers.

My friend wants to be a famous jazz musician on his brass instrument but he never practices.

I told him his stage name could be “Rusty Trombone.”

A self-absorbed jazz musician is sitting at a bar after a playing intense music all night.

A beautiful woman shyly walks over to him and says “Excuse me, I hate to bother you. Your music is phenomenal. It moves me in so many ways.

Artistically, it opens my appreciation of beauty and skill.

Intellectually, your music helps me to understand and think and reason.

As a wo...

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

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Musician birthday was coming up

We got them an album book

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

Did you hear the joke about the two dead musicians?

They were decomposing

How do Polka musicians improvise?

They adjust accordianly.

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

What’s the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?

A pop musician plays 4 chords to thousands of people, and a jazz musician plays thousands of chords to 4 people.

After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town

They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called "Sam's". After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, "Oh ...

whats something only a musician can do?

Finger A minor

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - one to change it, and the rest to complain because it's electric.

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

At my restaurant job, everyone who works in the kitchen is also a musician.

The dishwasher plays guitar OK, but the prep cook shreds on the mandoline.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a group of musicians?

The drummer.

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumstick...

To all musicians out there...

Please B#

What do you call a musician that gets hit in the head a lot?

A concussionist

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

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What is a musician who masturbates irregularly?

Offbeat.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians?

It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.


(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.)

My Dad was a Musician who played with the Beatles all the time.

He had all their albums but that was his favorite.

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

How does a musician end up with $1,000,000?

They start with $2,000,000.

Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.

A Linguist, a musician, and a content creator walk into a bar

They all start using slurs

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

Musicians never die

They just decompose.

Who is the smallest Jazz musician?

Louis Angstrom.

It's not a repost AFAIK, if one person laughed I'm happy

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

I loved being a musician.

But eventually I found out I wasn't noteworthy enough.

How to get a million dollars by becoming a musician?

Start with two million.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

What would a rainbow dragon musician's skin be covered with?

Chromatic scales

How do you get a musician off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

That electronic musician is so promiscious...

...he puts the MIDI in chlamydia.

Mozart was an amazing musician

It’s a shame he died baroque.

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A musician walks into a bar.

He gets absolutely plastered, walks out and lays his dick on the road. A semi truck runs over it.


D flat.

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

What do you get when you cross a musician, a mathematician, and a lumberjack?

A Logarithm

If a musician is decomposing inside his coffin..

Does it mean his songs are now to be played backwards?

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

What do you get when you meet a bunch of amicable Hungarian musicians?

A Franz Liszt

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

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What does a rock musician call oral sex?

Headbanging.

As a musician I’m jealous sofas

They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably Edit:*about

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

Who’s a chickens favorite musician?

Bach

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

The number of unemployed musicians today...

Is disconcerting

A musician walks in to a music store.

"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says.

"*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.

The musician replies "You'll do fine."

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What do you call an asexual musician with a passion for refinishing nails?

Acetone!

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

How many musicians does it take to start a ska band?

At least 4. One to drop it, three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

>!Band aides!<

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!

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An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus fumbles around with ...

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?

A release party.

I told my mom that when I grow up, I want to be a musician.

She said “don’t be silly, you know you can’t do both!”

Did you hear about the musician who cut himself on a note

Turns out it was sharp, it was completely accidental

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

I once met a very misfortunate polyamorous musician

He was in a no strings attached relationship with his guitar.

Did you hear about the musician that refused to stop playing?

He ended up being put under arrest!

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

what do musicians in hell win?

pentagrammy’s

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What does a musician create when they masturbate while they're sick?

A sick beat.

Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

What’s a good musician pickup line?

You have a nice Fmaj7.

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

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Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

[musician joke] Kid says to dad, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up."

His father replies, "Sorry, Son: You can't have it both ways."

[attrib: Andy Stein on one of the PHC "Joke Shows"]

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

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What's a musician's favorite sex method?

Aural

What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

A musician starts talking to a couple of girls in a bar.

Much to his surprise they turn out to be Siamese twins, joined at the hip. One thing leads to another and the girls wind up back at the man's apartment. They have more drinks and the man eventually talks the twins into bed. He makes love to one girl, then starts to make love to the other. The first ...

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife?

Domestic violins.

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

A musician walks into a bar

and notices a coda seated at the end.

A musician walks into a bar.

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What do you call a group of Soviet musicians undergoing sexual reassignment?

Trans Siberian Orchestra

My jazz musician friend would always hit people who played the wrong note

Well, sax to be you.

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