What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

A musician walks into a bar and starts a fight with four people, Why?

Because there are four beats in a bar

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

Who’s a chickens favorite musician?

Bach

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.

He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be a musician

First thing is, that I don't have the talent and the second is, that I cannot C sharp due to my glasses

I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

What’s a good musician pickup line?

You have a nice Fmaj7.

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

Did you know if you visit musicians graves, you can hear their music backwards?

It's because they're decomposing.

People told Beethoven he couldn't be a great musician because he was deaf

But did he listen?

What do you call a musician without a huge ego?

Just a guy that plays music.

There’s this lady who repairs guitar parts for young musicians.

Now she has the body of an 18 year old.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

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Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

What is the key to becoming a successful musician?

Work hard, try not to party too much, and make certain you eat lots and lots of beats!!

Why's the musician standing at the side of the road with a tuner?

His tire is flat.

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

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Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

What is it called when a musician has to use the toilet for the fourth time in a day?

The fourth movement.

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

How does a jazz musician get a million dollars?

By starting with two million dollars.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked

doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

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First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

What do you call a traitor among the musicians ?

An Orchestraitor

What's the quietest time of day for a musician?

4:33

What do musicians freshen their breath with?

Theremints.

Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?

Well, I don’t quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

3 celebrities are going to a costume party. They decided to have musician themed costumes.

Tom Cruise says, "I'll be Mozart." Robert Downey Jr. day's "I'll be Beethoven." Arnold Swarznegger says, "I'll be Bach."

A musician walks into a bar

and notices a coda seated at the end.

A musician walks into a bar.

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat

What do you call a sad jazz musician?

Elvis Depressley

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

When a child musician dies...

F minor

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

What do you call it when a musician makes $1000 in one night?

A robbery.

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

A man walks into a bar and says to a customer

Man “Hello, are you Fela Kuti the famed Nigerian multi-instrumentalist, musician, composer, pioneer of the Afrobeat music genre and human rights activist? (for those that didn’t know)

Customer “No mate, you’re thinking of another fella.”

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

[musician joke] Kid says to dad, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up."

His father replies, "Sorry, Son: You can't have it both ways."

[attrib: Andy Stein on one of the PHC "Joke Shows"]

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

What do you call a musician with problems

A trebled man

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

If Vice President Al Gore was a musician.....

He could call his group “The Al Gore Rhythms”

What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor

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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

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musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.


Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wi...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

Who do musicians call when they need demolition work completed?

A wrecker company!

What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a musician?

"I'll be Bach".

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked “if you could be a musician, who would you be?”

He replied “I’d be Bach”

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

I ran into a 19 year old hipster who’s favorite musician was Jimi Hendrix...

It was so strange to see a hipster who liked older music, so I had to ask, “What about his music did you like so much?”

“I just love underground artists” he replied.

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

What happens when a musician messes up during a song?

He has a tempo tantrum.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

In the late 90s, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone auditioned for a film about classical musicians.

The producers brought the two of them into their office to go over potential roles for them.

Before they could even get a word out, Stallone says “I wanna be that Amadeus guy.”

The producers exchange looks, nod and say, “You got it Sly.” They turn to Arnold, “And what about you.”
...

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