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Musician Jokes

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

I said to the musician do you know what time it is please?

He said its 5/4

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

What does a dead musician do?

He decomposes

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

Bass guitarist.

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

What did the homeless man say to the musician?

"You poor man. Here."

*empties his change cup*

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until its Bill Withers.

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

What do you call a musician that gets hit in the head a lot?

A concussionist

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

How many Musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

What do you get when you meet a bunch of amicable Hungarian musicians?

A Franz Liszt

My Dad was a Musician who played with the Beatles all the time.

He had all their albums but that was his favorite.

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Musician joke

What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?

Drops him off at band practice.

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

A Linguist, a musician, and a content creator walk into a bar

They all start using slurs

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Musician birthday was coming up

We got them an album book

How does a musician end up with $1,000,000?

They start with $2,000,000.

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

>!Band aides!<

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

whats something only a musician can do?

Finger A minor

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

How to get a million dollars by becoming a musician?

Start with two million.

What do you get when you cross a musician, a mathematician, and a lumberjack?

A Logarithm

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What do you call an asexual musician with a passion for refinishing nails?

Acetone!

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What is a musician who masturbates irregularly?

Offbeat.

How many musicians does it take to start a ska band?

At least 4. One to drop it, three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

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What does a rock musician call oral sex?

Headbanging.

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

I told my mom that when I grow up, I want to be a musician.

She said “don’t be silly, you know you can’t do both!”

Did you hear about the musician who cut himself on a note

Turns out it was sharp, it was completely accidental

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

If a musician is decomposing inside his coffin..

Does it mean his songs are now to be played backwards?

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?

A release party.

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What do you call a group of Soviet musicians undergoing sexual reassignment?

Trans Siberian Orchestra

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The lore of a genie atop a cliff prompts three friends to climb up.

As they climb, they discuss their wishes.

Dick wants to become a famous musician and travel the world.

Harry wants fabulous wealth and a long healthy life.

Tom wants to be a bird and fly to Mexico.

As he reaches the top, Tom sees the magic lamp first and scrambles to pic...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

A musician walks in to a music store.

"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says.

"*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.

The musician replies "You'll do fine."

A musician starts talking to a couple of girls in a bar.

Much to his surprise they turn out to be Siamese twins, joined at the hip. One thing leads to another and the girls wind up back at the man's apartment. They have more drinks and the man eventually talks the twins into bed. He makes love to one girl, then starts to make love to the other. The first ...

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Did you hear about the musician that refused to stop playing?

He ended up being put under arrest!

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

What’s the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?

A pop musician plays 4 chords to thousands of people, and a jazz musician plays thousands of chords to 4 people.

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What does a musician create when they masturbate while they're sick?

A sick beat.

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

As a musician I’m jealous sofas

They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably Edit:*about

That electronic musician is so promiscious...

...he puts the MIDI in chlamydia.

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

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Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

My jazz musician friend would always hit people who played the wrong note

Well, sax to be you.

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife?

Domestic violins.

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

What is the name of the musician who was born in the first of April?

Prank Sinatra

How do you describe an ambidextrous Greek string musician experiencing legular combustion?

Lyre, lyre, pants on fire

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A musician walks into a bar.

He gets absolutely plastered, walks out and lays his dick on the road. A semi truck runs over it.


D flat.

What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?

Hall n' oates.

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

Who’s Santa’s favourite musician?

Elfis

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

Mozart was an amazing musician

It’s a shame he died baroque.

Who’s a chickens favorite musician?

Bach

The number of unemployed musicians today...

Is disconcerting

I loved being a musician.

But eventually I found out I wasn't noteworthy enough.

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

I once met a very misfortunate polyamorous musician

He was in a no strings attached relationship with his guitar.

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

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Three musicians and their wives are all killed in a terrible accident on their way to a music conference.

They are music teachers -- a band director, orchestra director, and choir director. They arrive at the pearly gates and, after a bit of a wait, St. Peter appears and asks them what they want. The one steps forward and says, "I'm a band director, and my wife and I just died and would like to get into...

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!

What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

What did the Spanish musician say after they left the sound booth?

Audios

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

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For the musicians out there:

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bitch about how it's electric.

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