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musiccomposerpianistbassistsingerpercussionistviolinistinstrumentalistclarinetistvocalistguitaristartistsaxophonistkeyboardistvirtuoso

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Musician birthday was coming up

We got them an album book

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

What is the difference between an aspiring musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can actually feed a family of 4.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

How to get a million dollars by becoming a musician?

Start with two million.

How does a musician end up with $1,000,000?

They start with $2,000,000.

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

whats something only a musician can do?

Finger A minor

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

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What do you call an asexual musician with a passion for refinishing nails?

Acetone!

How many musicians does it take to start a ska band?

At least 4. One to drop it, three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

What do you get when you cross a musician, a mathematician, and a lumberjack?

A Logarithm

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What is a musician who masturbates irregularly?

Offbeat.

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?

A release party.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

Did you hear about the musician who cut himself on a note

Turns out it was sharp, it was completely accidental

I told my mom that when I grow up, I want to be a musician.

She said “don’t be silly, you know you can’t do both!”

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What do you call a group of Soviet musicians undergoing sexual reassignment?

Trans Siberian Orchestra

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

What is a Communists favorite musician?

Cher

If a musician is decomposing inside his coffin..

Does it mean his songs are now to be played backwards?

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

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What does a rock musician call oral sex?

Headbanging.

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay him and take your pizza.

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

A musician walks in to a music store.

"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says.

"*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.

The musician replies "You'll do fine."

A musician starts talking to a couple of girls in a bar.

Much to his surprise they turn out to be Siamese twins, joined at the hip. One thing leads to another and the girls wind up back at the man's apartment. They have more drinks and the man eventually talks the twins into bed. He makes love to one girl, then starts to make love to the other. The first ...

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

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Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

What is the name of the musician who was born in the first of April?

Prank Sinatra

A man went into a music shop

A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it an...

That electronic musician is so promiscious...

...he puts the MIDI in chlamydia.

Stevie Wonder wasn’t just a great musician.

He was outa sight!!

What’s the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?

A pop musician plays 4 chords to thousands of people, and a jazz musician plays thousands of chords to 4 people.

Who is the smallest Jazz musician?

Louis Angstrom.

It's not a repost AFAIK, if one person laughed I'm happy

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What does a musician create when they masturbate while they're sick?

A sick beat.

As a musician I’m jealous sofas

They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably Edit:*about

The number of unemployed musicians today...

Is disconcerting

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

My jazz musician friend would always hit people who played the wrong note

Well, sax to be you.

Did you hear about the musician that got arrested?

She got in treble.

What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife?

Domestic violins.

Many people told Beethoven he would never be a musician just because he was deaf

But did he listen?

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?

HornPub

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

How do you describe an ambidextrous Greek string musician experiencing legular combustion?

Lyre, lyre, pants on fire

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

have faith in what you can achieve..

Take Beethoven as an example, he was deaf and everyone just told him that he won't be a great musician...


But he just didn't listen

Who’s Santa’s favourite musician?

Elfis

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!

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A musician walks into a bar.

He gets absolutely plastered, walks out and lays his dick on the road. A semi truck runs over it.


D flat.

How does a musician make their vehicles more aerodynamic?

They remove the delivery sign

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

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What do you get when you fuck a group of musicians?

Band aids

I loved being a musician.

But eventually I found out I wasn't noteworthy enough.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?

Hall n' oates.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

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Three musicians and their wives are all killed in a terrible accident on their way to a music conference.

They are music teachers -- a band director, orchestra director, and choir director. They arrive at the pearly gates and, after a bit of a wait, St. Peter appears and asks them what they want. The one steps forward and says, "I'm a band director, and my wife and I just died and would like to get into...

what do musicians in hell win?

pentagrammy’s

Mozart was an amazing musician

It’s a shame he died baroque.

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

I once met a very misfortunate polyamorous musician

He was in a no strings attached relationship with his guitar.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

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For the musicians out there:

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bitch about how it's electric.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

What is the pop musician's favorite food dish?

Spaghetti Al Tottune

Who’s a chickens favorite musician?

Bach

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four.

One to actually change the lightbulb and three to sing a song about how good the old one used to be.

Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

When is the best time for musicians to take time off?

No Note November

What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

I’ll never understand how the song Free Bird became a meme amongst musicians

Anyway here’s wonderwall

In Seattle, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is looking for a musician/philanthropist to support the cause

i.e. a CHAZ Bono

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

What did the Spanish musician say after they left the sound booth?

Audios

What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat.

What do you call the tone deaf brutes that hang out with rock musicians?

Bassists.

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

Why did the musician never play quietly?

Pianissimo wasn't his forte.

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

What’s a good musician pickup line?

You have a nice Fmaj7.

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Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?

They're already used to the sex on phone

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What's a musician's favorite sex method?

Aural

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

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