As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn't be a musician.

But did he listen?

So there's this musician.....

So theres this musician who is incredibly gifted. Any instrument he touches he can instantly play at a masters level. Unfortunately for the musician he lived in a country ruled by a dictator. One day the dictator learns of the musician's talent and has the musician brought before him.

The dic...

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

A musician walks into a bar

and notices a coda seated at the end.

A musician walks into a bar.

What is a jazz musician that got kicked out of the catholic church?

Sax-communicated.

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction?

D flat

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?

Well, I don’t quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What do you call the guy that hangs out with 3 musicians?

The drummer
Ba-Dum Tsk

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

What do you call a musician who joins the military

A Major

When a child musician dies...

F minor

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call it when a musician makes $1000 in one night?

A robbery.

[musician joke] Kid says to dad, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up."

His father replies, "Sorry, Son: You can't have it both ways."

[attrib: Andy Stein on one of the PHC "Joke Shows"]

True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

What's a musician's favorite weapon?

C4.

But a knife will do in a pinch, so long as its #.

If Vice President Al Gore was a musician.....

He could call his group “The Al Gore Rhythms”

What Do They Tell Musicians About Crossing the Road?

C sharp or you'll B flat.

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

Who do musicians call when they need demolition work completed?

A wrecker company!

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

What do you call a musician with problems

A trebled man

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.


Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wi...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked “if you could be a musician, who would you be?”

He replied “I’d be Bach”

What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a musician?

"I'll be Bach".

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

How many ska musicians does it take drop a dubstep beat?

Nobody knows because they always PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Musician's Suitcase

On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny violi...

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

I ran into a 19 year old hipster who’s favorite musician was Jimi Hendrix...

It was so strange to see a hipster who liked older music, so I had to ask, “What about his music did you like so much?”

“I just love underground artists” he replied.

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

What happens when a musician messes up during a song?

He has a tempo tantrum.

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

So a jazz musician dies and goes to heaven

No, that's not the whole joke.

He's greeted by Thelonious Monk, who says "Hey, welcome--and congratulations on making it up here! There's a spot for you in the band if you want it. We play with Satch, Django, Coltrane, all the greats, and we have a gig tonight. There's only one catch: God'...

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

Why are ska musicians great to go out to dinner with?

Because, when the check comes, they always ***pickitup! pickitup! pickitup! pickitup!***

In the late 90s, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone auditioned for a film about classical musicians.

The producers brought the two of them into their office to go over potential roles for them.

Before they could even get a word out, Stallone says “I wanna be that Amadeus guy.”

The producers exchange looks, nod and say, “You got it Sly.” They turn to Arnold, “And what about you.”
...

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do nurses fuck musicians?

So they can get band-aids.

This musician kept gradually slowing down in front of me on the freeway

What a ritard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill...

At least he went out on a high note

A young child says to his mother...

"Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s 2015. Bill Clinton is whipping up celebrity endorsements for Hillary with a Halloween party. He invites his friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger and suggests they go as dead presidents for the media. “Too cliche” says Arnie. “What about dead musicians.” “Great idea. I’ll be Coltrane. What about you?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

What would Ed Sheehan be if he wasn't a famous musician?

A virgin

What happened when the musician gave all the soldiers instruments instead of guns?

There was no war, just alot of violins

Did you hear about the classical musician who couldn't find work?

He was Baroque.

Don’t upset jazz musicians

They might snap

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on...

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

A musician had nothing to do so he decided to go have a drink, but the door was locked.

The bar door barred the bored bard.

Did you hear about the musician who had to replace his broken metronome?

It was because he couldn't count on it anymore.

What do dead musicians do?

Decompose.

What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician?

An Algo-rhythm.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

Why did the Composer marry the Musician?

It was an arranged marriage.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party?

I'll be Bach.

What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?

A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.

A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a former standup comic, a few words about all of the "comic thief" posts lately... It's more common than you think. (XPost on request)

For a couple years I was a professional stand-up comic. This was back in the 90s, so who wasn't one back then?. And by professional I mean "full-time job," not the "I do drunk open-mic nights" type.

There was an understanding in the industry. If your shit is funny, it will be stolen. It was p...

When I told my parents I wanted to be a blues musician

they I decided it was time to have "the sax talk"

If the musicians, Ice T and Lemonade formed a band, what would it be called?

Arnold Palmer

Did you hear about the musicians who murdered a guest at the concert?

It was very cleverly orchestrated.

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month