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Musical Jokes

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

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What is a prostitute's favourite musical note length?

A crotch.

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What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

Gonna start a musical group called "SPHINCTER OF DOOM"

Our music might stink, but we'll be a tight knit band.

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

What's God's favorite musical chord?

G sus

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Which musical genre did Mufasa hate the most?

Ska

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What do kings call musical chairs?

Game of Thrones

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

My girlfriend just saw a musical about etymology

She said it was a word play

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

Have you heard of the musical condoms?

They started a rubber band.

What is the most musical animal?

The fish, they got scales

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Musical Bar

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished
and the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is no...

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

Only the best musical humor

Which concert will only cost you 45 cents?



50 cent featuring Nickelback!

Want to hear a joke about musical instruments?

I'm not hearing a pia-no...

How did the musical band get into treble?

They fell off a cleff.
















no regrets

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What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

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A musical joke [kinda NSFW]

A man won a weekend in 5 star hotel with all inclusive package - free food, drinks and presidential apartment.

Wanting to fully enjoy the package, the man visited each night the luxury restaurant and ordered the most expensive dishes and drinks.

At the end of his stay, one of the recep...

I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table

I got the lead role!

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

Cats The Musical

As long as "Cats" aren't in control, we're fine.

A musical Joke

My Goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian and Diminished. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Just saw "Cheers: The Musical"

My Thoughts? A little too much Danson.



Also, some of the acting was woody.

When my music teacher heard me sing, she said I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

Vin Diesel wants the next Fast and Furious movie to be a musical.

It’s called “*Jesus Christ, Supercar!*”

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

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What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music....

one of the girls told the judges, "Mother says I sing beautifully."
The judge replied, "Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I'll give you a tryout."

3,000 male cows are playing musical chairs. What happens when the music stops?

A whole lot of bulls sit.

My 3 Chinese friends are triplets. I think they were named after their dad's musical career.

Sing, Sang ,Sung

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

I was invited to a preview for a musical about the late Billy Mays

It was alright, but the lead was kind of pitchy.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?

Falsetto teeth

My friends and I were putting together a musical score for a production of Hamlet

Tuba or no tuba, that was the question

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

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Did you hear about the musical based on Death of a Salesman that had a happy ending?

It’s called How to Succeed in Business without Willy Dying...

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