UPJOKE
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A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

A large movie studio is making a movie about famous musical composers played by very muscular actors. They had all of the actors choose who they wanted to be.

Dwayne Johnson chose Mozart.

Lou Ferrigno wanted Beethoven.

When asked who he wanted to play, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be Bach.”

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What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

What's God's favorite musical chord?

G sus

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

When a mine shaft collapses it’s known to make a specific musical tone when the air rushes through the tunnels. What note is it?

A flat miner

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

I formed a new musical group called Katniss...

It's a tribute band.

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

My girlfriend just saw a musical about etymology

She said it was a word play

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Age:

When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

How did the musical band get into treble?

They fell off a cleff.
















no regrets

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

Want to hear a joke about musical instruments?

I'm not hearing a pia-no...

What is the most musical animal?

The fish, they got scales

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

Vin Diesel wants the next Fast and Furious movie to be a musical.

It’s called “*Jesus Christ, Supercar!*”

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

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A bandleader for a traveling music troupe decides to hold auditions one day

and encounters a man who claims that he's found a perfect new member for his troupe. To the bandleader's surprise, the man pulls an octopus from his bag, and explains that the octopus is a musical genius who can flawlessly play any instrument. Hoping to test the octopus, the bandleader hands it a gu...

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

Mozarts Symphonies

After Mozart passed away,he was buried in a churchyard,a couple days later the local priest was walking through the cemetery heard some strange noises coming from Mozart's grave



Terrified,he ran away and got the town magistrate to listen to these strange noises


The magistra...

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

What is a priest's favourite musical note?

A minor

What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

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