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Musical Jokes

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a prostitute's favourite musical note length?

A crotch.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

Gonna start a musical group called "SPHINCTER OF DOOM"

Our music might stink, but we'll be a tight knit band.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

What's God's favorite musical chord?

G sus

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

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Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

Have you heard of the musical condoms?

They started a rubber band.

After listening to me sing, my high school music teacher said that I should be tenor…

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

My girlfriend just saw a musical about etymology

She said it was a word play

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

What is the most musical animal?

The fish, they got scales

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Musical Bar

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished
and the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is no...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

Only the best musical humor

Which concert will only cost you 45 cents?



50 cent featuring Nickelback!

I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table

I got the lead role!

Want to hear a joke about musical instruments?

I'm not hearing a pia-no...

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A musical joke [kinda NSFW]

A man won a weekend in 5 star hotel with all inclusive package - free food, drinks and presidential apartment.

Wanting to fully enjoy the package, the man visited each night the luxury restaurant and ordered the most expensive dishes and drinks.

At the end of his stay, one of the recep...

What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

How did the musical band get into treble?

They fell off a cleff.
















no regrets

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

Cats The Musical

As long as "Cats" aren't in control, we're fine.

A musical Joke

My Goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian and Diminished. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

Just saw "Cheers: The Musical"

My Thoughts? A little too much Danson.



Also, some of the acting was woody.

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

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The Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bucket.

Bartender ask's "what's in the bucket"?

Guy say " it's my octopus and he plays musical instruments ".

Bartender says " bullshit "

Guys says " I bet you free drinks, he will play whatever you got "

Bartender says " fine, her...

Terminator the musical

"I'll be bach!"

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

That is the most musical vegetable?

The beet.

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

Where do musical notes go surfing?

On sound waves.

What's R Kelly's favorite musical key?

A Minor

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Vin Diesel wants the next Fast and Furious movie to be a musical.

It’s called “*Jesus Christ, Supercar!*”

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

What do you call a set of musical dentures?

Falsetto teeth

Why are old printers so musical?

Because they are prone to jamming.

What does a musical farmer with no hands do?

Drops the beet.

When a mine shaft collapses it’s known to make a specific musical tone when the air rushes through the tunnels. What note is it?

A flat miner

What's the most musical SUV truck?

A hummer.

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

The musical doctor

Man: Doctor Doctor I need a cure for my depression.

Doctor: Music is great therapy, here, I'll loan you my old guitar, it's broken but you should get some use out of it.

Man: Hang on, why would you lend me your guitar just like that? Is there some sort of hidden clause in this?

...

What is Purple, Musical, and Deadly?

Thanos in a Barbershop Quartet!

I come from a very musical family

Even the sewing machine's a singer

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starring in a movie about musical composers.

He’ll be Bach.

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

What’s a selfish person’s favourite musical note?

Mi

I'm glad I'm good at making musical puns

Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.

What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano?

Bach Lava

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

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