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Gig Jokes

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"

Then my sister left.
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A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...
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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Kenya

at the Carnivore Restaurant and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Kikuyu man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz ch...
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Getting the gig.

There was a last-minute New Year’s Eve gig that opened up, that was taken by a tuba player and a banjo player.

They rocked the house all night, and when the gig was ending, the host asked if they would do the gig the following year.

The banjo player said, “ We’d LOVE to!!! … Can we lea...
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Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.
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Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...
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My band is called 999 megabytes. We don't have any gigs.

lol
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I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.
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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

My microphone stand fell apart on the first gig

It was a one night stand
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I once dated a chick who had a side gig as a clown. [NSFW]

Her pussy always tasted funny.

I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes

Still haven't gotten a Gig though
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I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundr.

Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.
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A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...
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Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop do...

A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.

The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking duck," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The duck says "No, I live across town. I'm a drywaller, and I'm working the office renovation across the street. I...
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Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.
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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...
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One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

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A band had a gig

And after the gig the guitarist, the drummer and the basist got really drunk in a bar. After the bar, the group somehow got on the traintracks and after a mile of walk the guitarist goes: holy fuck these are the longest stairs I’ve ever walked on, and after that the drummer says: yeah and these hand...

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...
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Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.
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I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC
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U2 is playing a gig in Glasgow

Midway through the song, the band stops and Bono comes out to the stage, clapping his hands slowly. After a minute he says, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." There is a tremendous silence throughout the venue, until one Glasgow man says, "Well stop fucking clapping you arse!"

So my gig at the graveyard didn't go to well...

The crowd was pretty dead.
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My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.
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Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs.

Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".
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We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.
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*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"
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I went to a stand-up gig of a guy named Archer.

It was boring as all he had were nock nock jokes.
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Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”
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What does a ska band do with their gear after a gig?

Pack it up pack it up pack it
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A guy auditions for a gig at a piano bar...

He plays a beautiful, original piece and gets hired on the spot. The club owner asks, "By the way, what's the name of that song?" The guy responds, "You Got a Beautiful Set of Tits."

"Woah, woah," says the club owner, "You're a great player but you gotta keep titles like that to yourself."...

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...
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A magician has a good gig

A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.

Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk “Rah...
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There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...
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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.
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A redneck mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...

Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.

Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.

Redneck: No, I use a single prong gig.

Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?

Re...
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A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...
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What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?

"...Would you like fries with that?"
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Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y?

Because why emcee, eh?
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I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".
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I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage.

I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: “Booooo!” That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.


-Nathen Canton
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My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.
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A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...
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When Daft Punk started wearing robot masks, their manager sent them out on the road to see if people at gigs could tell who they were.

It was called The Touring Test.
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What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
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I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...
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What does the fan of a shitty rock band, which canceled a gig in his city, say?

"I want my Nickel back!"

After working a construction site in the blistering heat all summer, it made me really miss my old gig.

Because 7/11 was an inside job.
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In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.
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A couple of banjo jokes

Q: What's perfect pitch?

A: Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and not hitting the sides.



Q: What's the difference between a busload of banjo players and a busload of frogs?

A: More likely than not, the busload of frogs is going to a gig.

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When I was younger...

I used to be in a bar band called Terabytes.


We had thousands of gigs.
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A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.

After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourt...
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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 35 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig
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A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...
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What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
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Emo Philips posted his favourite Judy Tenuta joke in honor of her passing:

My favorite Judy Tenuta story: after a show, the comic who opened for her is driving her to their next gig; as they re passing cornfields at 2 AM he asks, "So what did you think of my act" & she replies,
"Ask me again when we get a bit closer to town"

Godspeed, Judy Tenuta.
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I got a job at the strip club.

"I help the girls get dressed and undressed."

"Great gig. How much?"

"Twenty dollars a day."

"That's not very much."

"It's all I can afford."
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A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...
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A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…

He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the t...
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So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...
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My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?

Me: I got a gig.

Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?

Me: I got a new one.

Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?

Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola ...
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Life is hard in a band

Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.
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How did the worst band in the world come up with their name?

After their first gig, the crowd was shouting that they wanted their nickle back.
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I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is retiring from doing films.

He already has a new gig in mind. He wants to be an exterminator.
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich

The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?"

Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to c...
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I used to perform in a backup group.

We were called "The Plumbers". Most of our gigs were in kitchens and bathrooms.
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Why is “1024 MB” the best name for a band?

You’ve always got a gig.
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Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month
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