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Gig Jokes

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"

Then my sister left.

A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...
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I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

My band is called 999 megabytes. We don't have any gigs.

lol

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

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I once dated a chick who had a side gig as a clown. [NSFW]

Her pussy always tasted funny.

Getting the gig.

There was a last-minute New Year’s Eve gig that opened up, that was taken by a tuba player and a banjo player.

They rocked the house all night, and when the gig was ending, the host asked if they would do the gig the following year.

The banjo player said, “ We’d LOVE to!!! … Can we lea...

Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundr.

Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...

A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

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One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

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Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop do...

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

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U2 is playing a gig in Glasgow

Midway through the song, the band stops and Bono comes out to the stage, clapping his hands slowly. After a minute he says, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." There is a tremendous silence throughout the venue, until one Glasgow man says, "Well stop fucking clapping you arse!"

My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.

Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs.

Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".

*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"

I went to a stand-up gig of a guy named Archer.

It was boring as all he had were nock nock jokes.

So my gig at the graveyard didn't go to well...

The crowd was pretty dead.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

What does a ska band do with their gear after a gig?

Pack it up pack it up pack it

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

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A band had a gig

And after the gig the guitarist, the drummer and the basist got really drunk in a bar. After the bar, the group somehow got on the traintracks and after a mile of walk the guitarist goes: holy fuck these are the longest stairs I’ve ever walked on, and after that the drummer says: yeah and these hand...

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A guy auditions for a gig at a piano bar...

He plays a beautiful, original piece and gets hired on the spot. The club owner asks, "By the way, what's the name of that song?" The guy responds, "You Got a Beautiful Set of Tits."

"Woah, woah," says the club owner, "You're a great player but you gotta keep titles like that to yourself."...

What is Spider-Man’s side gig?

He’s a web developer

A redneck mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...

Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.

Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.

Redneck: No, I use a single prong gig.

Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?

Re...

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?

"...Would you like fries with that?"

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y?

Because why emcee, eh?

A magician has a good gig

A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.

Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk “Rah...

After working a construction site in the blistering heat all summer, it made me really miss my old gig.

Because 7/11 was an inside job.

I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage.

I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: “Booooo!” That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.


-Nathen Canton

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