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Musicians Jokes

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands?

Washed up musicians.

A young Irish lad has decided to confess his atheism to his friends/family.

A young Irish man has reached his 20s, and is finding his own way in the world. Raised on a family farm outside a wee lovely little village, he was brought up in a strong religious community as one might expect. However over time he had come to realize he didn't personally believe in a god, and deci...

Did you hear the joke about the two dead musicians?

They were decomposing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which musicians do bisexuals enjoy?

They like Debussy and they like Dedic

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians?

It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.


(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.)

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - one to change it, and the rest to complain because it's electric.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a group of musicians?

The drummer.

How do Polka musicians improvise?

They adjust accordianly.

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

What do you get when you meet a bunch of amicable Hungarian musicians?

A Franz Liszt

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

>!Band aides!<

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

How many musicians do you need to start a ska band?

4. 1 to drop it.

3 to

pick it up

Pick it up

Pick it up

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of Soviet musicians undergoing sexual reassignment?

Trans Siberian Orchestra

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?

A release party.

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?

HornPub

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player.

Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist.”

The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem.”

“Well" replie...

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