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Musicians Jokes

Why can’t jazz musicians be trusted?

Because they always play sus chords.

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

What do you call someone hanging around musicians?

A drummer

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Which musicians do bisexuals enjoy?

They like Debussy and they like Dedic

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What do Eskimo musicians do before sex?

Coldplay

What do you call a traitor among the musicians ?

An Orchestraitor

How many musicians does it take to start a ska band?

At least 4. One to drop it, three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

Did you hear the joke about the two dead musicians?

They were decomposing

How do Polka musicians improvise?

They adjust accordianly.

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - one to change it, and the rest to complain because it's electric.

To all musicians out there...

Please B#

Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians?

It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.


(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.)

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumstick...

After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town

They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called "Sam's". After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, "Oh ...

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

Musicians never die

They just decompose.

What do you get when you meet a bunch of amicable Hungarian musicians?

A Franz Liszt

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

>!Band aides!<

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands?

Washed up musicians.

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?

A release party.

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

The number of unemployed musicians today...

Is disconcerting

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

what do musicians in hell win?

pentagrammy’s

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

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A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

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What do you call a group of Soviet musicians undergoing sexual reassignment?

Trans Siberian Orchestra

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

How come musicians are terrible at fishing?

They keep dropping the bass

What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?

HornPub

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?

They're already used to the sex on phone

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