I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

Did you know if you visit musicians graves, you can hear their music backwards?

It's because they're decomposing.

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

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Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

What was the cause of the musicians death? (don't know if it's been posted before)

Organ failure

What do you call a traitor among the musicians ?

An Orchestraitor

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says β€œI’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says β€œI’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says β€œI’ll be Bach!”

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

so a train station noticed that alot of the passengers where either musicians or gardeners.

so they decided that in order to cater to these people, they would decorate the station with metrognomes

Who do musicians call when they need demolition work completed?

A wrecker company!

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

How many ska musicians does it take drop a dubstep beat?

Nobody knows because they always PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!

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A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

In the late 90s, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone auditioned for a film about classical musicians.

The producers brought the two of them into their office to go over potential roles for them.

Before they could even get a word out, Stallone says β€œI wanna be that Amadeus guy.”

The producers exchange looks, nod and say, β€œYou got it Sly.” They turn to Arnold, β€œAnd what about you.”
...

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

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Why do nurses fuck musicians?

So they can get band-aids.

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