A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

What do you call someone hanging around musicians?

A drummer

What was the cause of the musicians death? (don't know if it's been posted before)

Organ failure

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

What do you call a traitor among the musicians ?

An Orchestraitor

Musicians don't use symbolism

They use cymbalism

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

What does musicians take with them when doing groceries?

The Chopin list

How many musicians in my band does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we get the drummer to do it.

True musicians never die.

They just start decomposing.

What is a musicians favourite weapon?

A glockenspiel.

Ba dum tss

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

How many ska musicians does it take drop a dubstep beat?

Nobody knows because they always PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

Why are ska musicians great to go out to dinner with?

Because, when the check comes, they always ***pickitup! pickitup! pickitup! pickitup!***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s 2015. Bill Clinton is whipping up celebrity endorsements for Hillary with a Halloween party. He invites his friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger and suggests they go as dead presidents for the media. “Too cliche” says Arnie. “What about dead musicians.” “Great idea. I’ll be Coltrane. What about you?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do nurses fuck musicians?

So they can get band-aids.

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