Why cant you bring kids to an orchestra?

Too much sax and violins

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An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

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You could call my sex life a symphony orchestra...

Because I have to Beethoven my room every night

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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My wife refuses to let me play orchestra music when we’re having sex.

Eventually we came to a different arrangement.

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick ...

Beethoven is about to conduct an orchestra...

Beethoven: Are you ready, kids?

Crowd: Aye, Aye, Captain!

Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

PSA: I'm starting a minimalist orchestra!

It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles.

Why Was the Orchestra Teacher Arrested?

He was fingering A Minor

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

Last night the school orchestra played Brahms.

Brahms lost.

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On a bull, the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

It's too bad Led Zeppelin never got to perform and record with a symphony orchestra.

They could've named it the Hindenburg Concertos.

I liked it better when Trans-Siberian Orchestra was just Siberian Orchestra

Now I'm always getting confused as to whether they're a band or a woband

My girlfriend broke up with me over my Electric Light Orchestra obsession.

Evil woman.

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

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A lover of the orchestra

A woman is in a hospital, with some teeth missing and a swollen lip. Her friend comes to visit.

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“One of the guys I hooked up with from the orchestra.”

“That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Was it the trumpet player? I always thought he was a dick.”

...

Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra...

But did he listen...

The group that burned down the school orchestra hall went up in flames with it..

..I have no symphony for them.

An orchestra which can play electrifying music...

...must have a good conductor.

Why was Gandhi thrown out of the orchestra?

He rejected the violins.

I can't listen to orchestral music anymore

Too much sax and violins.

Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What ...

What do you call a homeless monkey in the woodwind part of an orchestra?

The oboe bonobo hobo.

An orchestra is tuning up for a challenging concerto; all but the first chair oboist.

She is not preparing for her performance. As the draw of the curtains approached, the conductor could no longer abide her inaction. He gritted, "why are you not preparing? Why haven't you habituated your instrument?" She retorted, "I don't believe in oboe warming."

The Orchestra

In an orchestra that's practicing Beethoven's Ninth for an upcoming show, there are three guys that play bass. Just down the street from the church where they practice is a small bar. Every practice there would be a break where the basses didn't play, so the basses would sneak out the back of the ch...

A prestigious symphony orchestra had just started a 30-city, month-long tour of Europe.

Unfortunately, after the first performance, the conductor found himself very sick and was confined to bedrest. Nobody wanted the responsibility of taking his place on the podium for the rest of the tour, but eventually the job fell to one of the trombonists.

To everyone's amazement, the trom...

I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...

My official title is Band Aide.

(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)

Why didn't the school orchestra add me to their woodwind section?

It was reed only

Lighting strikes an orchestra who gets hit first?

The conducter



.... I'll see myself out

What does Captain America say when he wants an orchestra?

Avengers, ensemble!

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Bad orchestra director

An orchestra conductor walks in on his wife cheating on him with his principal violinist. She confesses, "I haven't loved you for a while now. It's your job - you're a lousy conductor."

In a crime of passion, he shoots them both dead.

At his murder trial, he's found guilty and sentence...

Never book an orchestra for a wedding

They don't know how to conduct themselves

How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?

Standing on his head!

Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

Some blame it on the conductor.

Lucifer, chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

He was eventually found in the horns section.

Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter

Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

I took my orchestra onto a train one day

The conductor was rubbish

Why did the thief killed himself after getting caught stealing instruments from an orchestra?

He didn't have a safe Hayden place, and couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.

I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

Massacre between rival musicians at the Symphony Orchestra today, .

Authorities have condemned this act of Violins

Did you hear about the unnecessarily large string orchestra?

It was shut down due to mass violins

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

An orchestra concert is no place for a child.

Sometimes there's intense violins

One day the triangle player of an orchestra gets very ill and goes to the hospital.

He spends the entire day practising despite his fever and all his constant sneezing and sniffling. The next day, he goes home to find his house surrounded by police cars.

He asks a police officer, "What happened?"

The officer replies, "Your conductor came by your house to talk to you ...

How to start an orchestra

Let's say you've got your woodwinds, strings and brass ensemble to start an orchestra.

However, you realize that you have no percussion and now your dreams of performing a Space Oydessy have been crushed.

A quick fix to not let your dreams be dreams is to buy tons of pillows.

Al...

A fine conductor.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piece...

Orchestra Joke

The orchestra one evening was playing a song that was noted for being on the lower side of the musical spectrum.

As they played through the night, the conductor would on occasion shoot an angry glare at one of the musicians.

After a few of these glares, the musician leans over to his ...

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

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There was a band conductor who also right songs in North Korea

Sorry for the typo in the title but..

His name was Pok. He was quite famous in the industry so one day, Kim Jong Un approached him.

“Pok, write me an orchestra piece and play it for me with your group”, said Kim. Pok did, after a month, the private show was held.

Sadly, it was s...

Making a living of 3-second tunes

Two old friends, both graduates of a musical academy, meet after years of no talk. One has a super expensive suit, a posh watch and looks well groomed. The other looks much older, and is wearing shabby clothes.

\--How are you, buddy? – asks the one better off.

\--Oh, not bad. Just fini...

An interesting experiment

There was this specially talented musician, he could play almost any instrument, conduct an entire orchestra and compose like anyone else.

So, a couple scientists were very interested in finding how his brain works.

The musician agreed with a bizarre experiment, he would let the scient...

A long time ago a man was walking around the streets of Vienna...

...when he spied an old friend of his. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replied, "I am the piccolo player for an International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replied.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for ...

A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...

... so he asks the conductor of his orchestra to help. "Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."

The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives. Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great....

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Three construction workers are building a brick wall in the middle of a swamp.

During a break, the first man, Joe, says, "Let's have a brick throwing competition. Whoever can throw his brick the highest wins!"

"That sounds like fun; I'm in!" Replied the second man, Tom.

"But how will we measure who's goes the highest?" inquired Jim, the third man.

"Simple,...

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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electr...

Two Violinists

Two old violinists were talking to each other, and one said to the other, "If I die before you, I will find a way to tell you if there is an orchestra in Heaven". The other violinist says he would do the same. Sure enough, the first violinist dies. A few days pass, and the first violinist appears be...

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on...

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A Jewish family had to put Grandpa in an old-folks home...

But there were no beds available at the Jewish one, so against his wishes they put him in the Catholic one across town. After a few days, they went to visit him to see how he was keeping.

They were concerned that he would hate it, but when they asked him how it was he said, "Let me tell you, ...

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day...

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

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A guy was hunting...

.. when a very strong gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you
are going to be OK....

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Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

A night at the symphony

Many years ago there was a Symphony Orchestra conducted by the great Alistair Baldwick. He was one of the most renowned Symphony conductors of all time, and on this special night he was going to conduct a magnificent piece by Bach. It was one of the most difficult pieces for both players and conduct...

You think you're special because you suddenly don't identify as male or female?

The Siberian Orchestra has identified as 'trans' for over 20 years.

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

I don't like to blow my own trumpet.

Which is probably why I got removed from the school orchestra.

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

Only in America

A European Count who had a fascination with the American West, arranged for a trip to a Texas town named Outlaw. Outlaw was small but didn't know it and the town fathers were determined to impress the Count with their worldliness. They arranged to have the local orchestra perform Beethoven's Ninth...

What do you call a group of armpit farters?

A pit orchestra.

Bonus: [World Record for Armpit Farts in 15s](https://recordsetter.com/world-record/most-armpit-farts-15-seconds/9602)

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