UPJOKE
chorusorchestrasingpianosopranoconcertanthemtenoroperamusichymnchoralclassical musiccellocappella

Did you hear about the bass vocalist who decided to leave the choir?

He wanted to see how well he would do as a SO LOW singer

“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?"

“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

A gospel choir leader with a lisp embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from his church.

But eventually he got caught and had to faith the music.

Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.

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What do you call an afterschool choir cooked in butter?

A Ghee Club.

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday...

They met one week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sisters, I'll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?"

Miss Bertha piped up, "I Shall Not Be Moved!"

They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sister...

What do you call a bear that sings in choir!

A BEAR-itone!

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

My son is in the church choir

I didn’t think he had it in hymn

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

Choir School

Do you know why choir school is hiring?

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

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What did the pimp say when he found out one of the girls in his prostitute choir couldn't sing?

Ho hum!

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

A Northern Irishman joins a handbell choir...

They decide to play a fast-paced complex piece. Soon, they realize no one can play the fastest part of the song. They go around and ask all the performers if they can play. Everyone they ask, unfortunately, can not perform the segment. Finally, they ask the Irishman is he can perform the segment. He...

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

I don't like talking about my childhood as a church choir boy

it is a touchy subject

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An 8 year-old choir boy caught the Catholic priest masturbating

He said, “What are you doing, Father?”

The priest replied, “It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied,

“You’ll be doing it soon.”

“Why, Father?” he asked.

“Because my wrist is killing me.”

One of the soprano girls in my choir class says she can't sing her part.

She says she descant.

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

There once was a choir which entirely consisted of people named Dan

Every year on Christmas Eve the choir goes to church where they have the tradition to go outside when it's dark to sing songs under the night sky.

It is such a big event that many people who are also named Dan come to town just to join the choir and they would also bring their families to wat...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

When I joined the Botswana Men's Choir, at first I was shy around everyone

But then we all just clicked.

I recently got into choir singing after I broke my knee

Or more specifically, apatella.

What is the difference between a terrorist and a church choir?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

A guy asks his friend "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

The friend replies with "You mean a choir?"

To which the man says "Sorry, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

Why should we hire the chickpeas to be part of our choir?

They could hummus a song!


(I was really proud of this one.)

BRUCE WAYNE: I won't do it

**ALFRED:** Sir, you have to sing along or it'll look suspicious

**CHOIR:** *Jingle bells...*

**BRUCE: [choking back tears]** ...Batman smells

What's every priest's favorite choir song?

"His Coming" in A minor

I made my bookshelves listen to the Red Army Choir...

Now they're booksheviks

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Did hear about the choir singer with augmented breasts?

She had a great falsetto!

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

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Equine Choir

I went to see the Equine Choir perform last night, they sounded amazing! Well, except for the Shetland Pony, he was a little hoarse.

A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him “why the long face?”

I didn’t make it into the men’s choir.

Well, you are a little horse.

My apologies to the LDS community.

What do you call a group of singing idiots who only consume diet soda and Granny Smiths?

The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

What do you call it when a priest comes on to a choir boy?

Faptism

Y'know man... In choir class,

We always get the pitches.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

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Three musicians and their wives are all killed in a terrible accident on their way to a music conference.

They are music teachers -- a band director, orchestra director, and choir director. They arrive at the pearly gates and, after a bit of a wait, St. Peter appears and asks them what they want. The one steps forward and says, "I'm a band director, and my wife and I just died and would like to get into...

A man goes to his church to ask the priest a question.

"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.

The priest replies, "Do you mean a choir?"

"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to *acquire* a church-singing group?"

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

A crow sits on a telephone pole, doing nothing - looking stupid

A crow is sitting on a telephone pole when his mate, another crow arrives.

Crow#2 asks his friend: "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

Crow#1: "Nothing really, just sitting here and looking stupid"

Crow#2: "Sounds cool, I wanna try that, too!"

An hour later a 3rd crow arrive...

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

The priest opens the door and find a choir boy jacking off

LITTLE Johnny, he says, haven't I told you that if you keep mansturbating you'll go blind?

Johnny replies "why don't you knock on the door before entering the restroom?"

The priest say "this is not the restroom, is the confession booth!"

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

What do you do with a drummer that can't keep a beat?

Take away one stick and make him a conductor.

What do you do if he still can't keep a beat?

Take away his last stick and make him a choir director.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

Upon arriving at the pearly gates he sees a great crowd of welcomers and well wishers. It’s a huge party, all for him, with welcome banners, a choir, the whole shebang.

St Peter claps him in the shoulders and says “welcome home at last my long awaited child.”

“I don’t understand, why a...

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy.

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that i...

How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I said lightbulb, not choir boy!

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A priest owns poultry

A cock is missing.
He runs around looking for it and reaches the sunday mass, where he asks - anyone has a cock? All men say yes.
No, no he says, I mean has anyone seen a cock, rephrasing? All women say yes.
No no he says, now agitated, has anyone seen my cock! All the nuns raise t...

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The usual priest if off, so a stand in takes his spot

All is going well until a woman confesses to giving a man a blowjob. The priest doesn't know what to do so he nips out of the confessional booth to ask for help. He runs into a choir boy and asks him "what does the usual priest give for a blow job?"

The choir boy replies "normally a bag of sw...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

Knock Knock:

Priest: Knock Knock

Choir Boy: Who's there?

Priest: Pedal

Choir Boy: Pedal who?

Priest: Pedal-file

Choir Boy: I don't get it?

Priest: You soon will

Was walking down the street and heard this beautiful music coming from up on a hill.

So I went up there and found out it was a place for the mentally challenged. The music was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. So I looked in a window and saw all the patients holding pencils and tapping them on apples. I couldn’t believe the music was coming from them. How could they do it? S...

How do you circumcise the Pope?

Kick the choir boys chin

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

Singers of the Mormon Tabernacle are home.

They're under *choir*antine.

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

Best friends in heaven

Two friends die at about the same time. One goes to heaven and one goes to hell. The one that went to heaven is getting a tour by St Peter. He is admiring the streets of gold, the beautiful harp music and choir and the peaceful ambiance. At one point though he looks down into hell and sees his best ...

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

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