Choir School

Do you know why choir school is hiring?

When the pope brags about the number of choir boys he's met

Weird pontiflex but okay

I made my bookshelves listen to the Red Army Choir...

Now they're booksheviks

I recently got into choir singing after I broke my knee

Or more specifically, apatella.

What's every priest's favorite choir song?

"His Coming" in A minor

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

What do you call it when a priest comes on to a choir boy?

Faptism

What is the difference between a terrorist and a church choir?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Tonight's 7PM evening service sermon is "What is hell?".

Come early at 5PM and listen to our choir practice.

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 8 year-old choir boy caught the Catholic priest masturbating

He said, “What are you doing, Father?”

The priest replied, “It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied,

“You’ll be doing it soon.”

“Why, Father?” he asked.

“Because my wrist is killing me.”

When I first joined the Botswana Men’s Choir, I was really shy around everyone

But then we all just clicked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Equine Choir

I went to see the Equine Choir perform last night, they sounded amazing! Well, except for the Shetland Pony, he was a little hoarse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at a wedding the other day..

And after the main ceremony this man came up to me "wow you look stunning" he said "great ass, mmm nice skin, lovely body" i blush and sniggle a little as he reches and pinches my ass. My face all red and a hot flush comes over me and i say "Ohh, father i bet you say that to all the choir boys"

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did hear about the choir singer with augmented breasts?

She had a great falsetto!

There once was a choir which entirely consisted of people named Dan

Every year on Christmas Eve the choir goes to church where they have the tradition to go outside when it's dark to sing songs under the night sky.

It is such a big event that many people who are also named Dan come to town just to join the choir and they would also bring their families to wat...

Y'know man... In choir class,

We always get the pitches.

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

At a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening.

I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity, so I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison choir," he said, "they're behind a few bars and always looking...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

Why should we hire the chickpeas to be part of our choir?

They could hummus a song!


(I was really proud of this one.)

What's the difference between a skilled magician and a women's choir?

Well, the magician has a cunning array of stunts...

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

How did the blind priest find the choir boys?

Satisfying.

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

Why are singers so curious?

Because they are in-choir-ing.

What do you do with a drummer that can't keep a beat?

Take away one stick and make him a conductor.

What do you do if he still can't keep a beat?

Take away his last stick and make him a choir director.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?"

She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?"...

I wanted to hire a singing group for a wedding

So I called an event planning company (EPC) and asked them about the rates.

Me - How much to hire a singing group?
EPC - Oh, you mean a choir?
Me - Uhhhhh fine, how much to acquire a singing group ?

The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine ...

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday....

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.

"What happened, my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man sitting at a bar is lamenting about his life to another patron.

He says, “That old church down the road? It was almost completely engulfed in flames, but I ran in and saved the choir! But do they call me Harold The Savior?”

He continues: “When Mr. Jacob’s horse was giving birth to a young filly and had complications, I saved ‘em both! But do they call me ...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

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EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

A symphony is preparing for a concert.

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t...

The day is the 24th of May, and the pope and a lawyer both die and go to heaven.

They both approach the pearly gates, and the pope arrives first. Standing at the gates is St. Peter. After greeting the pope, St. Peter takes the him on a tour of a heaven. A small crowd awaits on the other side of the gate and cheers as they pass by, the pope is eventually brought to his new house...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest goes on vacation

The priest in a small town decided to go on vacation for a week. He called his apprentice and told him to take over his activities. He warned him he would also have to take confessions. The apprentice had no idea how to do that but the priest assured him it was easy. "Just listen to them and tell th...

My daughter came up to me and said

"Daddy, I'm in Choir..."

.....

....

"Well, what are you inquiring about?"

.

.

I'll let myself out.

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lenin headed directly to Heaven after he died.

He thought he had done much good for the oppressed and deserved retirement in Heaven. He arrived at the gates.

"Who's there?"

"Vladimir Ilyich Lenin."

"Okay, okay! Last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here..."

God checked Lenin's dossier and decided...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married

As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."

"How would you know?" Asks Jim

"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his husband walk into a local church...

A man and his husband walk into a local church, holding hands and being affectionate during the entire ceremony, to the ire of one of the elderly choir women.

Once it has finished, she approaches the two men and quotes from the bible:

>"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inher...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New priest

There was a new priest that was going to take over for a retiring priest. As the old priest was showing the young priest around, they came up to the confessional booth. The young priest said:

"You know, I'm quite nervous about talking to people about their sins."

The old priest respon...

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

Best friends in heaven

Two friends die at about the same time. One goes to heaven and one goes to hell. The one that went to heaven is getting a tour by St Peter. He is admiring the streets of gold, the beautiful harp music and choir and the peaceful ambiance. At one point though he looks down into hell and sees his best ...

During World War II, four men are captured by the German forces...

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to app...

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...

A politician dies and goes to heaven...

He is greeted by St. Peter who tells him there is a new system in the afterlife. You can spend one day in heaven and one day in hell, and afterwords you can decide where you want to spend eternity.

The politician say, "ok, let's try this out."

So he spends the day in heaven, praying ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The priest lost his cockerel one day

At mass, he asks
"Does anyone have a cock?" to which all the men stand up.
"No, that's not what I mean! Has anyone seen a cock?" to which all the women stand up.
"No no no! Gosh, has anyone seen a cock that isn't theirs?" and half the women stand up.
"God dammit! Alright, has anyone see...

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

Priest is about to give confession...has to make an emergency trip to the bathroom...

He opens the back door and looks for anyone to help him as the line up is getting long. All he finds is the custodian.

He signals to him and asks to cover for him. The custodian says he has no idea what to do.

"That's easy. Just listen to the confession, look on the wall inside th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a church...

And sees a nun so beautiful, he cant resist the opportunity to have sex with her.

So before the nuns get on their church bus, the man asks the bus driver what he can do. The bus driver replied "Dress as a priest and take her to a dark room. Tell her the lord told you to have sex with her." <...

A limerick, There once was a bishop from kings...

There once was a bishop from Kings,

Who talked about god and such things,

But his real desire,

was a boy in the choir,

with a bottom like jello on springs.

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister are talking in a bar.

They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm an...

Was tuning the piano with my sister and I said...

This reminds me of the Soprano section in our school choir.


To which she responds, "How do you know if a Soprano is at the door?"

("IDK, How")

"She doesn't have the key and doesn't know when to come in."

At a choral concert...

...you may see a choir director with a pitch pipe or a tuning fork, but you'll rarely see one with a pitch fork.

Automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car t...

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while th...

Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

Jack

A husband rushes into the emergency room from work to greet his wife who is giving birth to their first born. He helps all he can; he holds his wife's hand and breathes with her through the pain. The doctor claims to see the head. The husband runs around and watches as this bloody, mess of a human b...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."


They were singing it beautifully.


But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor...

When do Catholics allow the use of condoms?

When the choir boys have diarrhea.