Choir Jokes - 75 Hilarious Choir Jokes

My son is in the church choir

I didn’t think he had it in hymn

Did you hear about the bass vocalist who decided to leave the choir?

He wanted to see how well he would do as a SO LOW singer

“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?"

“Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

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What do you call an afterschool choir cooked in butter?

A Ghee Club.

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

The Vienna Boys Choir is having a special New Year’s Eve concert. At midnight there will be a ball drop and…

…all the Sopranos will become Altos.

Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday...

They met one week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sisters, I'll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?"

Miss Bertha piped up, "I Shall Not Be Moved!"

They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sister...

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Equine Choir

I went to see the Equine Choir perform last night, they sounded amazing! Well, except for the Shetland Pony, he was a little hoarse.

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

What is the difference between a terrorist and a church choir?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Why should we hire the chickpeas to be part of our choir?

They could hummus a song!

(I was really proud of this one.)

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns

Ba dump

Choir School

Do you know why choir school is hiring?

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

I don't like talking about my childhood as a church choir boy

it is a touchy subject

A Northern Irishman joins a handbell choir...

They decide to play a fast-paced complex piece. Soon, they realize no one can play the fastest part of the song. They go around and ask all the performers if they can play. Everyone they ask, unfortunately, can not perform the segment. Finally, they ask the Irishman is he can perform the segment. He...

A gospel choir leader with a lisp embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from his church.

But eventually he got caught and had to faith the music.

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

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What did the pimp say when he found out one of the girls in his prostitute choir couldn't sing?

Ho hum!

I recently got into choir singing after I broke my knee

Or more specifically, apatella.

In honor of, and with apologies to, Tony Bennett

Two close friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, pass away on the same day. Frank Sam, having led a good life, went to heaven and played a harp in the celestial choir. Sam Frank, having led a somewhat less noble life, wound up in hell running a disco. Frank Sam really missed his old friend and asked perm...

I made my bookshelves listen to the Red Army Choir...

Now they're booksheviks

One of the soprano girls in my choir class says she can't sing her part.

She says she descant.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

When I joined the Botswana Men's Choir, at first I was shy around everyone

But then we all just clicked.

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

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Did hear about the choir singer with augmented breasts?

She had a great falsetto!

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

What's every priest's favorite choir song?

"His Coming" in A minor

Y'know man... In choir class,

We always get the pitches.

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies " the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

Sunday service

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning.

The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church ...

A guy asks his friend "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

The friend replies with "You mean a choir?"

To which the man says "Sorry, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

There once was a choir which entirely consisted of people named Dan

Every year on Christmas Eve the choir goes to church where they have the tradition to go outside when it's dark to sing songs under the night sky.

It is such a big event that many people who are also named Dan come to town just to join the choir and they would also bring their families to wat...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a ?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a ?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a that i...

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Heaven is celebrating

A man was waiting at the Pearly Gates, when he noticed a commotion, suddenly a choir of angels start singing and the whole place is rejoicing.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“Soon a man whose deeds and actions were greatly admired by God, will be joining us and we’re anticipating the arr...

A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him “why the long face?”

I didn’t make it into the men’s choir.

Well, you are a little horse.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

Did you know if you leave a group you’re singing with and then come back, they have to give you an Altoid?

It’s a re-choir mint

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."

They were singing it beautifully.

But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor...

At a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening.

I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity, so I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison choir," he said, "they're behind a few bars and always looking...

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

A man goes to his church to ask the priest a question.

"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.

The priest replies, "Do you mean a choir?"

"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to *acquire* a church-singing group?"

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

Why are singers so curious?

Because they are in-choir-ing.

I wanted to hire a singing group for a wedding

So I called an event planning company (EPC) and asked them about the rates.

Me - How much to hire a singing group?
EPC - Oh, you mean a choir?
Me - Uhhhhh fine, how much to acquire a singing group ?

My apologies to the LDS community.

What do you call a group of singing idiots who only consume diet soda and Granny Smiths?

The Tab and Apple Choir.

Two Englishman, Irishmen, Welshmen and Scotsmen were stranded on an island.

The Scotsmen got together and started a bank

The Welshmen got together and started a choir

The Irishmen got together and started a fight

Whereas, the two Englishmen didn't even speak to each other.

They hadn't been introduced!

My daughter came up to me and said

"Daddy, I'm in Choir..."

.....

....

"Well, what are you inquiring about?"

.

.

I'll let myself out.

Was tuning the piano with my sister and I said...

This reminds me of the Soprano section in our school choir.

To which she responds, "How do you know if a Soprano is at the door?"

("IDK, How")

"She doesn't have the key and doesn't know when to come in."

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A priest owns poultry

A is missing.
He runs around looking for it and reaches the sunday mass, where he asks - anyone has a ? All men say yes.
No, no he says, I mean has anyone seen a , rephrasing? All women say yes.
No no he says, now agitated, has anyone seen my ! All the nuns raise t...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

Upon arriving at the pearly gates he sees a great crowd of welcomers and well wishers. It’s a huge party, all for him, with welcome banners, a choir, the whole shebang.

St Peter claps him in the shoulders and says “welcome home at last my long awaited child.”

“I don’t understand, why a...

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Dill Bread Recipe

This old recipe was handed down to us from Aunt Gladys. The secret is her great dill dough. All the ladies in the Church Choir always rave about Aunt Gladys great dill dough.

Ingredients
1 package (1/4 ounce) active dry yeast ...

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

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