Mama and Papa did not let me listen to classical or jazz music as a kid.

Too much sax and violins, apparently.

So I have this chicken that listens to nothing but classical music...

All she wants is “Bach Bach Bach”.


That is all.

What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite classical piece?

QAnon in D.

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

What do you call a poor classical pianist?

Baroque

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a classical music connoisseur enjoy sex more

Because they appreciate Debussy

What is Donald Trump's favorite classical piece?

*Grabem* by Claude Debussy.

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

Who's a lumberjack's favorite classical composer?

Chopin.

What did Arnold Schwartzenegger’s son say when auditioning for the play about classical musicians?

“I’ll be Bach”

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

I went back in time to meet a great classical composer of the 18th century but I couldn't meet him

He was out choping

What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries?

A Chopin cart

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

My pet chicken loves classical music. He always asks by name for his favorite

Bach.

My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore...

“If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

They say classical music was written to speak through the ages

Bach to the future.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a briefcase

He asks the bartender
“If I showed you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen would you give me a free drink?”
The bartender replies “yeah, why not, but it has to be pretty amazing.”
The man takes out his briefcase and opens it for the bartender. Inside is a 9 inch tall man with a miniatur...

I had an on-again, off-again relationship with a classical conductor.

It didn't work out though, we could never get the timing right.

Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music!

Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of Verdigo.

I don’t think wind turbines like classical music.

I hear they’re big metal fans, though.

Classical joke

I remember once in pre-virus times, I was standing in a fairly long line for a classical music concert. A dude on a skateboard rode up to me and asked “what’s all the excitement about? Who’s playing?” I told him “Yo-Yo Ma.” And he punched me in the face!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

What do you call a classical writer with Parkinson's and a drinking problem?

Shakesbeer.

Why does Star Wars have a classical music score?

Because the Empire likes Bach!

I heard you lost your classical music CD.

But don’t worry. I got your Bach.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he found out his school was organizing a show and tell about classical music ?

I'll be Bach.

I've been trying to get my girlfriend into classical music but she just isn't interested.

I'm Baching up the wrong tree.

If classical composers of old were alive and listened to some of the music that's popular today, they'd all complain....

Except Beethoven

Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

Classical music jokes are easy to come up with

I could write you a long Liszt

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

Aliens and Western Classical Music

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space. The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2. It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to...

I've been trained to apply something to my head after shampoo...

It's classical conditioning.

Why do the Greeks play classical music by volcanoes?

because of all the Bach lava.

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

Suddenly I hear classical music coming from a grave, sounds like its being played backwards?

“Oh, that’s just Beethoven decomposing”.

My friends and I created a boysband of classical music.

We are the Bach Street Boys

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

Why does Donald Trump want classical music at his inauguration?

He wants to grab them by Debussy.

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

Classical music is such a scam...

You pay hundreds of dollars to go see Mozart live and in concert, and every time it's just a cover band

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