Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

My friends and I created a boysband of classical music.

We are the Bach Street Boys

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

I've been trying to get my girlfriend into classical music but she just isn't interested.

I'm Baching up the wrong tree.

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford ...

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

Suddenly I hear classical music coming from a grave, sounds like its being played backwards?

“Oh, that’s just Beethoven decomposing”.

Classical music is such a scam...

You pay hundreds of dollars to go see Mozart live and in concert, and every time it's just a cover band

What do you call a microorganism that listens to Classical music?

Bach-teria

The classical elements are five. Earth, fire, wind, water

And the element of surprise.

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

Why did Karl Marx hate classical music?

Because of the violins inherent in the system.


(In true r/Jokes spirit this one's not originally mine but I'm not sure where it came from. It's definitely one of my favourites though)

What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship?

They baroque up

The three orders of classical columns are Doric, Ionic, and Corinthian. Sometimes Ionic is called Ionian.

I guess it's a less charged word.

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ...

I’ve been listening to classical music too loud and now my ears hurt.

I’m having some pretty bad Bach pains.

In the late 90s, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone auditioned for a film about classical musicians.

The producers brought the two of them into their office to go over potential roles for them.

Before they could even get a word out, Stallone says “I wanna be that Amadeus guy.”

The producers exchange looks, nod and say, “You got it Sly.” They turn to Arnold, “And what about you.”
...

I had to pay for everything when I went out with a couple classical musicians

they were completely baroque.

I don't want to hear any more classical Christmas music

I seriously can't handel it.

What do you call someone lathering in the shower and singing along to Classical Music?

A soap opera

Why does Donald Trump want classical music at his inauguration?

He wants to grab them by Debussy.

My wife dragged me to a classical concert.

Me: I hope this concert has a lot of ado.

Her: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: F*ck.

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I hate when people incorrectly categorize Mozart as a classical composer...

Even though he lived during the Classical Era, he was Baroque as fuck.

I'm pretty sure chickens love classical music

All I hear from them is "bach bach bach bach bach"

How do you threaten a fan of classical music?

You tell him to watch his bach.

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Why do black people not like Classical music?

Because they have to sit in the Bach of the concert hall.

I went to buy some classical music today...

But I forgot my Chopin Liszt.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

what did the terminator say after deciding to learn classical music?

"I'll be bach"

I used to only listen to classical music...

...but now I think outside of the Bachs.

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.

Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."

Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."

And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

What do you call a President who likes classical music?

Baroque Obama

What is a pedophile's favorite type of classical music?

Anything in A Minor

My wife wants to have the baby listen to classical music while in the womb.

Would an ipod nano or shuffle be easier to get up there?

What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.

(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

Killer Whales like classical music so much...

That they form Orcastras.

A German boy band that plays some insane classical stuff.

Bachstreet Boys

I brought a classical musician back from the past to prove that my time-machine works, but I can't find him.

He must be Haydn.

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.

"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.

"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.

"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

Did you hear about the chicken who liked classical music?

I swear it was all he talked about. He would go on and on. "Bach, Bach, Bach"!

What appears when you ask a genie for a classical composer?

A wish Liszt.

How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer?

Buble wrap

Sorry 😜

Did you hear the new classical piece of music commissioned by the church?

It's called "I slipped and fell in A minor".

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

Which classical composer is best at playing hide and seek?

Haydn. [OC]

I kinda stole this

The worst part about liking classical music is when you forget the name of a piece and you can't google the lyrics because there are none

⚠️ No Results For "there was a really good bit with a flute"

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Classical conditioning

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:

'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their ...

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.

(I hope the name rings a bell)

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Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday. He has already paid £800 for flights and accommodation. However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.

Would anyone be in...

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a call from his agent...

Who tells him that an up-and-coming director is looking for German- and Austrian-born actors for a movie.

"It's a little different than the stuff you're known for," the agent says, "It's a period piece about classical music composers. Should I arrange an audition?"

"There is no need," ...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

How to get a PhD in Music

In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking h...

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Dolph Lundgren were sitting around a a table

when they came up with the idea for a movie series based on the lives of classical musicians. They had all the details nailed down: the plot, the characters, the music, and so on. However, they couldn't decide which one of them was to play each classical composer in the film series. Eventually they ...

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Music Jokes

Sharing some music related jokes :-

1. Q. What did George Michale sing at Elton John's wedding?
A. Don't let your son go down on me.

2. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. The lead guitarist holds the light, & the world revolves ar...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

So a middle school is putting on a musical

The musical is about classical composers and they need three boys to play the leads.

The first boy comes in and says he wants the part of Beethoven. His name is marked down and he leaves.

The second boy comes in and says he wants the part of Mozart. His name is marked down and he leave...

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The pianist

A restaurateur needs to do something to get his business to pick up a bit, so he decides to open a piano bar. He puts an ad in the paper for a piano player and holds an audition. Unfortunately most of the applicants really aren't that good and just as he is about to give up and go home, a young man ...

My Favorite Joke

I have no idea who originally wrote it and since I am rarely on this sub I have no idea if it has already been posted.

Guy walks into a bar, sets a big bag down on the floor and orders a drink. No one else is there so the bartender asks the guy what's in the bag. The guy shrugs, reaches int...

Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween...

when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".

 


Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".

 


Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".

A man walks into a record store...

A man walks into a record store, looking confused. The owner approaches him:
"Hey, you seem a little lost. Can I show you where anything is?"
"Uh yes, actually.", the man replies, "I'm looking for some classical music, as I've never listened to it before."
"Oh, well we have a vast var...

Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.

"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."

I was stunned.

"Why?

What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well," he said, "ever since...

Some Arnie jokes

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She'll be back.

__

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

__

A movie production company desperately needs a new idea. They decide to ma...

The day after Beethoven's funeral

The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a winged magical fairy visits Rome ....

The fairy flies around a bit among the tourists before stopping in front of two classical and gorgeous greek statues placed beside each other - one being a scantily clad and muscled Apollo and the other beautiful and busty Aphrodite, the goddess of love and sex.

The fairy looks on these two b...

Arnold schwarzenegger recently decided to go back into the movie business...

But being fed up with his trademark macho image he chose to do something different and went to a casting for a movie based on the life and story of famous classical composers.
****
****
When asked what role he was going for, Arnie leaned forward, looked right into the producers eyes and sa...

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