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Collected Jokes

Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected?

Because he used eye-pads before sleep

A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.

Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.

"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.

"Surprise me," said the mohel.

A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.

"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

Why do geologist keep some of the rocks they collected?

Because it has sedimentary value

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

I always collected my old farts in a jar

and took them with me whenever I had an exam. It‘s how I passed my classes.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

I once dated a girl that collected magazines.

We had to break up because she had too many issues.

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a prop...

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...

Now it’s wholly water

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring

It was one ring to rule the mall.

Did you hear about a guy who collected memorabilia of Rosa Parks, Florence Nightingale, Joan of Arc, and Wonder Woman?

Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes?

Putin: "Yes"

Me: And how many have you collected so far?

Putin:
“Three and a half prisons”

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