My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

When I die I want to be buried in two coffins attached side by side.

That way I can comfortably turn over in my grave.

Have you heard about the coffin scavenger hunt?

Remains to be found

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

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The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car.

"We'll have to rehearse that", said the undertaker.

So two men are in coffins, one of them hears a sound, so he says to the other: “are you coffin in there?”

Fun fact: this is how they tested if my laughing gas was working at the dentist. I laughed my but off so they knew it was working.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

If a musician is decomposing inside his coffin..

Does it mean his songs are now to be played backwards?

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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.

Remains to be seen.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.

Will Glass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"

What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

When the guy who wrote the hokey pokey died, they couldn’t close his coffin.

They’d put his right foot in.
He’d put his left foot out.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are ...

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

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What's the difference between a Condom and a Coffin

You cum in one and go in the other

What's common between a coffin and a depressed person?

Both have dead inside

Halloween Dinner

\[True Story\]

My wife decided to make something new this Halloween. She made a meat loaf in the shape of a small coffin. She then placed it on a plate in a bed of fresh peas.



She called the dish "Rest in Peas."

How did one vampire give COVID to the other?

By coffin on him!

When the inventor of Tetris, Alexey Pajitnov, died, his coffin was put into the ground.

Then the entire cemetery disappeared.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I o...

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,

When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin?

De-composing

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What do you call XXXTentacions coffin?

An Xbox

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

A man and his wife go on a vacation

Days pass until unfortunately, the wife dies.


At the funeral parlor, the undertaker approaches the man and after offering his condolences, says

'We have a wide range of services. We can bury your wife in a coffin like Christians, we can have a cremation like indians, mummification ...

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

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What do you call a loud hearse?

A car-coffin-y

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My friend died of an overdose of Viagra.

Took them 2 days to shut the coffin lid..

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

The Casket

A man floored it in his car because he was being chased by a casket, rolling down the road at Godspeed. He drove and drove until his car ran out of gas.

The casket still chasing him and his house being a half a mile away, he ran down the street and into his house, shutting the door behind hi...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Coffin maker's new slogan

If you're coughin' you need a coffin

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

A man was walking home one night.

A young man was walking home one night. The street was pitch black. As he passed the gates of a small cemetery, he felt as if he was being followed. Suddenly, he heard a bump behind him. Afraid to look back, he increased his pace.

Bump, bump, bump.

The bumping behind him continued, ge...

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

Three rich guys bury a friend.

First guy throws a $1000 bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws $5000 behind it.
All of them look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check for over 100 grand, throws it in the co...

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A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store f...

A new undertaker firm has started using glass coffins. Will they be accepted?

Remains to be seen

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

What would Elvis be doing if he was alive today?

Probably banging on the lid of his coffin

Bob, Fred and Joe are at the funeral of one of their friends and it gets them thinking about what they'd like people to say about the three of them at their funerals

Bob: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was caring, he was kind, he was compassionate, he always had time for people, he made everyone feel welcome.'

Fred: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was a devo...

The inventor of Halls Cough Drops died last night.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

"Cut a Man in Half" Trick

I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

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A hearse is traveling up an icy hill when the back doors fly open.

The coffin drops on the street. It slides down the hill, and goes through a house. It keeps going through a school, then a church, then a grocery store, and then through a gas station. It busts through an arcade, and then through an office building. It breaks through the front door of a pharmacy...

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I’d love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Bec...

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

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