My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

Have you heard about the coffin scavenger hunt?

Remains to be found

What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.

Remains to be seen.

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Condom and a Coffin

You cum in one and go in the other

Three rich guys bury a friend

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin a...

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I o...

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,

When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin?

De-composing

Coffin maker's new slogan

If you're coughin' you need a coffin

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

Just saw an ad for a coffin

Thought to myself. Well that’s the last thing I need.

They always say „it’s not the cough that carries you off“

It’s the coffin they Carrie you off in.

A boy is coming home from a party ...

On the way home , he has to go past a graveyard .But since he didn't want to miss the game on the TV , he goes through the graveyard which has a shortcut to his house .

The graveyard was covered with thick fog which was so much that he couldn't see the ground in front of him . Eventually, it...

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

When the inventor of Tetris, Alexey Pajitnov, died, his coffin was put into the ground.

Then the entire cemetery disappeared.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Did you hear about the casket who got sick?

I heard it was coffin all day long.

THE COFFIN

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call XXXTentacions coffin?

An Xbox

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store f...

A new undertaker firm has started using glass coffins. Will they be accepted?

Remains to be seen

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

What happened when the mortician dropped the coffin?

He made a grave mistake.











Heheheh....... sorry

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

Why did the graveyard get a COVID test?

Because of all the coffin.

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

What are the similarities and differences between a coffin and a condom?

They both hold a stiff.

One is for coming one is for going.

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

Why did dracula get tested for covid-19?

Because of his coffin

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

What's going to be the scariest Halloween decoration this year?

Coffin

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Bloke walking down the road with a coffin on his shoulder.

Stops at a house and knocks on the door. “Hello,” he says to the bloke opening the door, “Is this the wife swapping party?”

A Coffin

There was an old town with a haunted graveyard. Every night at midnight, a coffin would rise out of the ground. A man moves into the town and everyone warns him not to go through the graveyard at night. One night he was on a jog late in the evening. It soon started to pour down rain. The man wanted ...

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both hold stiffs.

Paul died. Six of his friends carried his coffin.

Paulbearers

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

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