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Coffin Jokes

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

At my boss's funeral kneeling and whispering at the coffin

"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

My glass coffin company "Remains to be Seen" isn't doing very well.

It's an original idea, isn't it?

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and leave in the other, but you need to be stiff to go in both

Have you heard about the coffin scavenger hunt?

Remains to be found

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

Selling coffins must be a hard job.

It's the last thing any of us need.

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

why did schrodinger want a closed coffin?

So he could have equal chance of being alive or dead

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

The inventor of the USB stick has died

At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.

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What do you call XXXTentacions coffin?

An Xbox

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died...

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving wo...

How do you change gears in a coffin car?

You have to work the graveyard shift.

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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

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The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car.

"We'll have to rehearse that", said the undertaker.

If a musician is decomposing inside his coffin..

Does it mean his songs are now to be played backwards?

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

Just saw an ad for a coffin

Thought to myself. Well that’s the last thing I need.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin?

De-composing

I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery

I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.

My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,

When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

Coffin maker's new slogan

If you're coughin' you need a coffin

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

Definition: Coffin

What they carry you offin.

Wanna buy a coffin?!

So a guy comes up to me the other day and asked if I wanted to buy a coffin and I said "That's the last thing I'll ever need."

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

Will plexiglass coffins become popular?

I'm going to miss the Apollo app, it made Reddit worthwhile.

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries a...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

When the inventor of Tetris, Alexey Pajitnov, died, his coffin was put into the ground.

Then the entire cemetery disappeared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store f...

Three rich guys bury a friend

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin a...

What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

What do you call an overpriced coffin?

A R.I.P off.

Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

What are the similarities and differences between a coffin and a condom?

They both hold a stiff.

One is for coming one is for going.

Paul died. Six of his friends carried his coffin.

Paulbearers

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both hold stiffs.

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

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