My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

When the inventor of Tetris, Alexey Pajitnov, died, his coffin was put into the ground.

Then the entire cemetery disappeared.

I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

I watched 4 guys carry a coffin around a cemetery for an hour

Thought to myself, "well they've lost the plot"

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

What happened when the mortician dropped the coffin?

He made a grave mistake.











Heheheh....... sorry

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,

When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

If he's coffin.

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

The guy who invented the USB died the other day

When the coffin was lowered they realized that it was the other way around, so they took it up, turned it and inserted it correctly

What are the similarities and differences between a coffin and a condom?

They both hold a stiff.

One is for coming one is for going.

What’s Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?

De-composing

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A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store f...

*At the hospital*

“What’s your height, sir?”

“183 cm, doctor.”

“I’m no doctor, sir. I’m the coffin maker...”

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

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What do you call XXXTentacions coffin?

An Xbox

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

What do you get an anti-vax kid for their 5th birthday?

A whooping-coffin

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

Why are graveyards noisy?

Because of all of the coffin!

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Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?

One you cum in the other you go in.

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

When the inventor of the USB dies...

they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm a gynecologist.

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave

So that they can let me down one last time

Bloke walking down the road with a coffin on his shoulder.

Stops at a house and knocks on the door. “Hello,” he says to the bloke opening the door, “Is this the wife swapping party?”

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both hold stiffs.

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

A Coffin

There was an old town with a haunted graveyard. Every night at midnight, a coffin would rise out of the ground. A man moves into the town and everyone warns him not to go through the graveyard at night. One night he was on a jog late in the evening. It soon started to pour down rain. The man wanted ...

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

Paul died. Six of his friends carried his coffin.

Paulbearers

I farted on my mother-in-law and everyone around us could smell it but her.

That's one upside of being in a coffin.

My local funeral service is offering a 2-for-1 deal on coffins...

... but only to short people.

I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"

I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."

What do you call an overpriced coffin?

A R.I.P off.

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

A magician was asked about the magic trick where someone is put into a coffin and cut in two.

"What can you tell me about that famous trick where you cut someone in two?"

"I obviously can't tell you the secret of how it works, but it failed once. The cutting in two was easy, but I didn't manage to put the poor girl back together..."

"My gosh... how is she doing now?

I've...

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As I looked down at my son in his coffin,

I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I on...

I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.

My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".

I recently attended a funeral

And the procession was going up a steep hill on Main Street. Well all of a sudden the door of the hearst flew open and the coffin fell out. Since the road was so steep it flew back down Main street and into a pharmacy where it crashed into the counter. The lids popped open and the deceased says to t...

why couldn't they get the inventor of the hokey pokey into his coffin when he died?

they put his right foot in, they put the right foot out

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up last night and there was an enormous black coffin at the end of my bed.

So I gave him a cough-drop and told him to fuck off.

Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral.

I couldn't bereave it!

A security guard for the king notices a mummy in a coffin walking into the building in the security camera...

He quickly alerts the king, telling him to go to the top floor of the building to stay away from it. While the king is escorted, his guards quickly order men to deal with the mummy, who headed towards the elevator. His guards spend a good while shooting at the mummy, but after a minute, it becomes a...

My friends still haunt me with this one my dad told us back in the day.

A coffin is chasing a man down the street. The man runs into his house, closes his door and locks it, but the coffin breaks through, he hides in the kitchen, but the coffin finds him and keeps chasing after. The man runs upstairs into his room, locks the door and barricades it, it isn't safe there e...

Definition: Coffin

What they carry you offin.

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I ...

It's crazy they couldn't shut bob marleys coffin when he died

It kept jammin

[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...

I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

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What do you call Nightwing in a coffin?

Dick in a box.

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