Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.

I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.

Remains to be seen.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

Have you heard about the coffin scavenger hunt?

Remains to be found

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said "That's the last thing I need!"

An old carpenter was carrying a coffin on his head

An old man was carrying a coffin on his head in his bicycle during midnight. He saw a cop standing near a check post who stopped him. The cop asked him why he was carrying coffin on his head. Fearing he might have to bribe the cop he said “It was so hot wherever I was buried. I am trying to move to ...

What's common between a coffin and a depressed person?

Both have dead inside

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I o...

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin?

De-composing

Coffin maker's new slogan

If you're coughin' you need a coffin

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Just saw an ad for a coffin

Thought to myself. Well that’s the last thing I need.

A new undertaker firm has started using glass coffins. Will they be accepted?

Remains to be seen

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,

When she turns 71, she asks "why havent you got me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

Man with Alzheimers tries to sell family a coffin

Man asks the son first : "I can tell you're a man of a refined taste. I'll sell you a coffin for 20% less".

Son anwsers : "I'm in mid 20's,i don't need it"

(Man realizes his mistake in asking the youngest, he changes strategies and asks about the oldest person in the family)

Man...

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket st...

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

When the inventor of Tetris, Alexey Pajitnov, died, his coffin was put into the ground.

Then the entire cemetery disappeared.

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

A Father's Promise to his Three Sons

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”...

Ghosted

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn'...

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[OC] It's a big performance for a car to carry a coffin

So you need lots of re-hearse-als.

A man is walking home one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries al...

How do you know if a vampire has COVID?

He's coffin

The man who invented USB died recently.

At the funeral they lowered his coffin down, brought it back up, turned it over and lowered it again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call XXXTentacions coffin?

An Xbox

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

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A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store f...

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

What happened when the mortician dropped the coffin?

He made a grave mistake.











Heheheh....... sorry

Moving On (Original joke)

It's been tough with my wife gone. It took me a while but I decided it was time to give her a proper burial, and move on. She put up on hell of a fight but eventually I got her in the coffin.

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

What are the similarities and differences between a coffin and a condom?

They both hold a stiff.

One is for coming one is for going.

Stubborn in life and in death

A man known for being very stubborn was found brutally beaten and killed. After a thorough police investigation there was no clue to who the killer was.

When it came time for the funeral. Friends and family were all gathered around. His body was put in a coffin and was ready to be buried.
...

Do you find it uncomfortable wearing a mask?

Well guess what, coffin would be worse

As long as it’s organic

The cannibal is dragging two coffins to home for his children. Kids see their dad and start screaming joyfully

Yaaay, daddy brought us canned food!!!

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

I just found out the man who wrote the song The Hokey Pokey passed away

When they put him in his coffin, they put the left leg in, they took the left leg out...

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A wife who was a bit of a nag died suddenly after 25 years Of marriage. . .

On the day of the funeral the pall bearers were carrying the coffin followed by the grieving husband. They were leaving the church after the service when one of them slipped a bit knocking the coffin into the corner of a wall and jarring it rather suddenly. A moment after they did so, they began to...

The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

My family always thought I was a necrophile...

When they found me in my cousin's casket, that was really the nail in the coffin.

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

A poem for our times...

It's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in.

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

Why do vampires seem sick?

They’re always coffin!

If you see it you don't want it, if you buy it it's not for yourself,and if you use it you don't know it what is it ?

A coffin

Whats the difference in between a coffin and a condom?

One you go in and the other you come in.

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin?

Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box

Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

Bloke walking down the road with a coffin on his shoulder.

Stops at a house and knocks on the door. “Hello,” he says to the bloke opening the door, “Is this the wife swapping party?”

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

A joke my mom told me today

One day Donald Trumps assistant told him, he had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in Washington, where he (Trump) was celebrated. Millions lined the parade route and cheered when the president came by. Bands played, children threw confetti in the air, there were balloons everyw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Granddad always lived in poverty and only ever owned one black suit,

he always used to tell my Mum that when he died he would like to be buried in a ‘blue suit’
Of course money was tight so that was never going to happen, anyway when he did finally pass away and he was resting in the funeral home wearing his ‘black suit’ my Mum told the funeral director the sad ...

Paul died. Six of his friends carried his coffin.

Paulbearers

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both hold stiffs.

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

What do you call an overpriced coffin?

A R.I.P off.

I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"

I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I looked down at my son in his coffin,

I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse was driving down the road...

When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.

Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says “Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughi...

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

A magician was asked about the magic trick where someone is put into a coffin and cut in two.

"What can you tell me about that famous trick where you cut someone in two?"

"I obviously can't tell you the secret of how it works, but it failed once. The cutting in two was easy, but I didn't manage to put the poor girl back together..."

"My gosh... how is she doing now?

I've...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

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